Customer Reviews

Ophelia's Mom: Women Speak Out About Loving and Letting Go of Their Adolescent Daughters

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Our youngest child of four is now a 15 year-old sophomore in high school. I am enjoying seeing her blossom and go through the teenage struggle. She is clearly doing well, and is finding her footing.

At the same time, I can see that my wife finds all of this much more distressing than she did with the older children. Clearly, letting go is proving to be hard. How concerned should I be? I wasn't sure.

Having read Ophelia's Mom, I can now see that my wife's reactions are very typical. I also see that there's more to feel good about with our younger daughter than I would have realized on my own. These wise, witty, wonderful women have given me a great gift by sharing their deepest fears and concerns.

Whether you are a mom or a dad of a teenage girl, I think you will love this book. Dr. Shandler is very open in describing how her professional objectivity is overwhelmed by her maternal instincts. And she obviously raised two amazing daughters. Equally, her professional knowledge allows her to frame the material from the other moms to best advantage so it is easily to understand.

I particularly liked the parts of Ophelia's Mom where she addressed the rest of the family. How does one's own mom affect parenting? What is a helpful role for husbands?

The book has only two weaknesses. It could have used submissions from more people. Apparently, Ophelia's mom is shy about her experiences (or perhaps just too crazed while being in them). Dr. Shandler certainly put a lot of effort in this direction. Second, it would have been stronger if the Ophelia's had shared their thoughts with their moms so that the reader could see both perspectives more clearly. In the case of Dr. Shandler, she could clearly have asked her own daughters for help since Ms. Sara Shandler has gone public already in Ophelia Speaks about her experiences as a teen. Books like this often stimulate an outpouring of letters, so perhaps we will see Echoes of Ophelia's Mom in the future.

Go give your mom and your daughter a hug!

"Sometimes,ofttimes, women had to keep silent, have not spoken or named the unspeakable. With their men, they have seen with clear vision, and yet they have not spoken. Wisely, unwisely,they have kept their own counsel and held their tongues.
"With each other, women have also kept silent, and if they have spoken to eachother, their men never knew. All these centuries, the vast underground murmur of women confiding to each other,consoling, grieving, laughing in a separate world,apart from men."
I wrote these words for a juried art exhibit (Collaboration Between Writers and Artists) at The Washington Women's Art Center in 1981. An artist friend had created a quilt of a woman's head. The woman had no mouth.
I also added brief versions of the tales of Procne and Philomel and Maiden Bright-Eye...(both stories address the forbidden territory and dangers of women who speak or put words to the unspeakable...)
Shandler's anthology breaks the silence of women who are mothers in a new way-revealing that when it comes to their experiences with their daughters- women rarely have shared the truth or depth of their feelings with each other --until now.
Anyone who lives near The Women's Museum of the Arts in D.C. should take the time to visit and delight in the exhibit of around the world writers' and artists' versions of the story of Rampunzel.(til late Jan.20002) --"Loving and Letting Go" ..as Shandler says is the task we must all face... as mothers of daughters, there are many pitfalls and pleasures along the way..

What a comfort to read this book, If you are struggling with an adolescent daughter, do yourself a favor, take the time and read this. It will validate how you are feeling, and also help you to recognize that things are going to be ok......

This book is an obvious sequel/franchise to Dr. Shandler's daughter's "Ophelia speaks", a collection of stories by adolescent girls. Clearly, it's an effort to continue milking whatever has been successful before. I have picked this book at a local library, looking for advice, research and reflexion on teenage issues for girls and their mothers, as it is a territory my family and I are about to cross. Instead, this book is a one-sided biased collection of stories that is being presented as typical and representative. The bias is due to two factors: the "chicken-soup" format and Dr. Shandler's personal interpretation of the material she collected.

In general I am not a fan of the "chicken soup"-type essay collections. I consider them to be easy and quick money-makers for the author, who is essentially no more than an editor, and a short-change for the contributors who basically provide the material for a reward of seeing their story in print. Additionally, this format leaves little room for truly profound reflexion, which is why all such collection end up centering on the same plain "love & woes" theme.

So ask yourself -- who would contribute to such a book? A truly accomplished writer who could weave a great story out of her experience, wouldn't work for free. A profound thinker who can pull together trends, research, insights to augment her personal experience and its interpretation, wouldn't find room to do it within the simple format that is given. On the other hand, a poorly educated non-proficient writer, with challenges above and beyond the common mother/teen woes may not be able to contribute because she can't write well enough for the format, and, in addition, frankly because she has neither time nor energy for it. And last but not least -- a mother who has no obvious and typical problems with her teenage daughter has no incentive whatsoever to unburden herself in writing to a person she doesn't know.

I, for one, am not in the least surprised that Dr. Shandler has gotten so few responses for her queries for contributions. Perhaps she expected the same outpour of emotions as her daughter has received for her collection of stories. But obviously, average adults are more mature, had already worked on their difficulties, are less dependent on commiseration from their social nerworks, and overall are, well, more private and busy.

What did surprised me is that Dr. Shandler interpreted it as an evidence of some great conspiracy of silence, and made it a central theme in her book. That also makes me wonder which criteria she used for selecting the 100 essays for her book out of the 230 that she received. There is a clear molding of data into a preconceived notion going on in here.

As a result, the book showcases the relationship in just one type of mother-teen daughter couples. Almost all situations profiled in a book follow the scenario, "my girl was so good, sweet and loving, and then, boom, overnight she went feral and pulled away from me, wah-wah". The mothers in the book are educated middle class professionals and generally good and competent parents. Their common feature is that they are very enmeshed with their daughters, and are reluctant to set limits while leaving too many open choices, and try to be more like friends with their children. In such situation, the way for a good, sweet, loving girl to grow up and separate is to rebel actively, which is exactly what happens.

Does this really happen in life? Of course it does. Is that typical, as the book is making us believe? I do not think so. Female adolescence in modern world is a much more complicated business, and its challenges are as diverse as people out there. Same goes for the mothers' experience. I was hoping that the book would give a more representative selection of what's possible.

This book is a good uplifting read if you recognize yourself in the typical mother profiled there, as I described above. Otherwise, it's not worth reading. Despite being the target audience, I couldn't relate to it at all, and my science training rebelled at the biases that I outlined above.

sorry- the follwoing is a correction: the title of the exhibit at National Museum of Women in the Arts is "Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let Down Your Hair." thru Jan.27. (don't know how to retrieve the original so hope this will do. kmg

As a counsellor and mother who has raised three daughters from childhood to adulthood, I was very moved and touched by this endearing book. From bruised knees, typical childhood diseases, teen pressure, insecurity, and fears of rejection, drugs, and sex, we as Moms have stood by our daughters and silently prayed that everything would turn out alright with their world. The wonderful thing about this book is that parents everywhere realize they are not alone.

"Ophelia's Mom" covers a variety of issues and is not just a book for Moms but Dads, too. As a parent, part of us wants to hold on, love and protect our precious daughters from all the hurts, fears and rejections of the world. On the other hand, the greatest gifts we can give our daughters are "wings" to fly on their own and the courage to try. They will make mistakes, they will be hurt, but they, like us, will become wiser, more understanding, compassionate and stronger adults for the lessons learned.

This book is not just about letting go; it is about love in the face of all obstacles. "Ophelia's Mom" will touch your heart, and make you want to hug your daughter just one more time...simply, because you love her. This book is a five star plus and highly recommended.

I read this book and looked at my seven year old thinking "will this happen to you?
A fascinating, truthful, touching and sometimes painful look at the mother's point of view. I was amazed by the strength of many of these women and grew to see myself as a mother differently. Definitey a good book for a mom like me who realizes that letting go is not as easy as it sounds.

As a contributing author to Ophelia's Mom I feel this book shares a message of hope, inspiration, and courage. During signings of this book, I have spoken about the personal growth I went through while struggling with with the ups and downs of my daughter. I feel all the moms who contributed showed courage in finding their voice. Many moms did not answer the call to contribute and half of us who did, wrote under assumed names. Personally, I would not have minded going public, however, I chose to protect my daughter's privacy. My daughter was not in a frame of mind to understand this project, therefore, I did not seek her permission to write about her. Yet, I felt immensely compelled to get my message of hope out to the public - so we changed the names. Other moms had their own reasons and I think that's what makes the book so special. As a life coach, I use Ophelia's Mom as a resource for my clients who are struggling with teen issues and who are trying to 'let go' and find themselves.

<h3>just wondering why i was never contacted to contribute to this book. my daughter, jasmine [pen name HONEY], wrote the powerful entry in "ophelia speaks" about feeling like killing a girl her ex-boyfriend was going with.

i'm dissapointed to say that sara never kept in contact with jasmine, nor did she even send her a copy of her book when it came out.

it might be nice to support the girl authors by getting them together in a chat sometime!</h3>