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44 of 47 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Book To Read With Your Significant Other
"We love each other, but... we could use some expert advice so that we can keep on loving." If you have ever thought about your relationship in these terms, then this is a must-read book for you and your partner. Dr. Wachtel knows about the perils of co-navigating a marriage, both from her professional experience as a researcher and family therapist (she...
Published on March 9, 2000 by Gabriella Ibieta

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16 of 24 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars a good read if using caution
As an interpersonal and relational scholar in the field of communication, I viewed this book through the eyes of someone educated on the topic of relationships. Ellen T. Wachtel has many good points in this book, but I would stress that it is a book aimed at marriages and long term relationships. This is not something that young couples just starting out would find very...
Published on December 21, 2007 by Kaitlyn Fenner


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44 of 47 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Book To Read With Your Significant Other, March 9, 2000
By 
This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
"We love each other, but... we could use some expert advice so that we can keep on loving." If you have ever thought about your relationship in these terms, then this is a must-read book for you and your partner. Dr. Wachtel knows about the perils of co-navigating a marriage, both from her professional experience as a researcher and family therapist (she has "worked with close to one thousand couples"), and from her own life (she has been married to the same man "for more than thirty years"). Her book is accessible and fun to read, integrating brief, illustrative case histories with keen (and also brief!) psychological analyses, followed by sensible suggestions for couples to work out their problems. Dr. Wachtel organizes her material into eight chapters on such topics as decision-making, arguing, raising children, and having a satisfactory sex life (while doing all of the above!). I particularly like how she addresses the reader, simply and directly, throughout her narrative; for example, in her discussion of "harmful words" during arguments, she tells us: "Even if you apologize and explain that you didn't mean what you said, your partner may still be hurt. . . . Your partner not only feels wounded by your words but by the fact that you wanted to be so hurtful." Occasional references to her personal experiences enrich the narrative, allowing the reader to envision the author as a real person, herself struggling with life's challenges, as when she discusses some minor and major differences between her and her husband: "Poking around in flea markets is a real treat for me, but he becomes restless. . . . We differ even on such fundamentals as child-rearing philosophies and religious convictions." The book's last chapter, titled "We Love Each Other and We Get Along Well, But... Is This It?", offers the author's view of relationships as ongoing, developing, fluid processes. It is not enough just to learn how to deal with conflict within a stable, friendly marriage. After all, don't we also want to have fun, to share life's joys with our partner? Dr. Wachtel knows the importance of passion and romance in relationships. "Continue to surprise yourself and your spouse," she tells us, "Have little adventures together and apart. . . . Start to tell jokes. Take up swing dancing. . . ." And enjoy reading this book with your significant other, I tell you--it is definitely worth it!
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16 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Saved our marriage, February 10, 2010
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This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
If there were six stars available, I'd give them to this book. Without a doubt, We Love Each Other But saved my marriage of 6 years. I was embarrassed to look at the chapter headings and realize how typical I was, having allowed my marriage to grow weeds through neglect:
* We Love Each Other But ... Every Decision is a Tug-of-War
* We Love Each Other But ... We Get into Really Bad Arguments
* We Love Each Other But ... We Don't Have Much of a Sex Life
* We Love Each Other But ... But I Have a Hard Time Dealing with my Partner's Emotional Hang-ups
* We Used to Love Each Other But ... Now I'm Not So Sure
* We Love Each Other But ... Life with Children Isn't Easy
* We Love Each Other But ... Is This It?

The author's style is easy-to-read, and she gives terse usable relationship rules that my husband and I have adopted in our day-to-day reactions. We went from discussing divorce to being the strongest couple we've ever been, and look forward to many more happy decades together.

For instance, Dr. Wachtel's advice has turned our frequent explosive arguments into productive discussions. We now walk away from the conversation when either one of us gets emotional or defensive, returning to it after 10 minutes or an hour. We know not to get upset when someone calls a time out. We focus on understanding the other's perspective instead of just getting our own across. We touch more often, and for the first time in a long time, I know my husband still loves me, and he knows I still love him.

I believe that if we'd read this book earlier, and been open to Dr. Wachtel's ideas, we would have never reached the crisis point we came to. I've since bought 4 additional copies of this book (my husband and I each have one) to give as wedding gifts. If you're in a relationship, or think you may be in one some day, give this book a glance. The few hours it takes to read are well worth it.

The fact that Dr. Wachtel uses both same-sex and heterosexual couples in her examples is just icing on the cake.
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16 of 17 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic, August 17, 2001
By A Customer
This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
Here's a relationship book that doesn't blab, it's good info, great solutions and well written. Many relationship books babble on and on and promise many solutions yet don't deliver. This book delivers. The solutions are extremely helpful and easy to apply. My boyfriend, who is not into relationship books loved this book. It tapped into his way of thinking. I definitely recommend this book!
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26 of 30 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars IF YOU WANT A BETTER MARRIAGE, READ THIS!, September 25, 1999
By A Customer
This is an absolute gem of a book. The author writes clearly and simply, and if you follow her good advice your marriage or relationship will take one huge leap forward. This is a quick read and terrifically helpful, espeically if one or both people in the relationship feels angry, criticized, unapprecated,r ignored, or hopeless..
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25 of 31 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Reading Even for Lawyers (Smile), September 2, 2002
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This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
Yes, I have all the stereotypes that are attached to my profession...critical, type A personality, sometimes ridiculously high standards, structured, can obsess over a situation/concern, loyal, and extremely limited with ways to use my time. When I discovered that my marriage was suffering because I just "couldn't find the time" to be a superwoman in bed..and beyond. After looking at my husbands frustration, and hearing him say one time too often.."I've become immune to the lack of sex" "can't miss whatI don't get.." I became concerned. I guess I thought that he SHOULD be attracted to me, even if we don't have sex as often as he wants. (Heck) I think 3 to 4 times a week is OUTRAGEOUS. It was great for dating, but who has the time anymore.

BUT....then I read this book. It is GREAT!!! I went on line after I identified that the real problem could actually be me, and ordered over 20...yes 20.. books on love, sex, and marriage. I set out to FIX this problem. Well This book is giving me the foundation from which to build. The chapter on your "We don't have too much Sex life" was excellent. To follow up "Dealing With..Emotional Hang-ups," helped me as well. I must acknowledge that some of those hang-ups came about due to the lack of sex. To my female peers, I am sure that you will agree that men are so much more pleasant after you've made love. While reading I would run to my husband and say..."hey read this..let's get those tapes.." I discovered that the hard porn was okay, but it was too synthetic for me, and those women were dumb as an ox. Who actually comes in and says..."oh I want you to ... me" to an absolute stranger?
Plus Dr. Ellen Wachtel didn't speak to me as if I was a patient. I couldn't comfortably read a book that sounds like the author has not had sex themselves in over a decade. Some books analyzed it from a medical point of view. Who cares about how one's testosterone level may effect one's Sex drive. I just want to please my husband and thereby please myself. I took my book everywhere! So, not to run on..which is another trait (smile) I just want to say---DO IT!! BUY THIS BOOK, and try out some of the suggestions Dr. Ellen Wachtel makes.
SIDEBAR: please overlook the typos, I am just so excited about the book, I just finished it--I wanted to scribble off a note to share this discovery.
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Down to earth book with excellent observations and action items, January 20, 2010
By 
Peeter Joot "Peeter Joot" (Markham, Ontario, Canada) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
As I read many parts of this book, I was amazed. Hey, that's us!

I wasn't expecting much from this sort of self help book, and was very surprised at how well the author understood many of the issues we have in our own relationship. For a relationship that has trouble, it is at least comforting to know that others have exactly the same problems. Reading about them from an outsider point of view helps develop understanding that is harder to get looking at ones own relationship in the midst of possible trouble.

There is no talking down or lecturing to be found in this book. It is packed with practical seeming advice for dealing with problems. I was left feeling I understood my wife much better, knowing better some things that she wants, knowing why (or at least understanding the triggers for) she behaves in certain ways, and especially, my own contributions to the problems. Many ways are presented that I believe could help us both become happier.

While the author asserts that many of the relationship problems, even severe ones, she has seen over the years can be fixed, the people she has seen at least have taken the forward moving step to agree to try to fix things (by seeking counseling, even if they didn't believe it would help). However, even for those relationships where the desire to attempt to fix is single sided, there is advice to help break deadlocks that can only lead things to worse places.

I'd recommend this book not only for those who have problems in their existing relationships, but as a informational read to those that do not. There are many tips that I'd like to have had pointed out to me before things went bad, that would have been helpful for keeping the relationship in good shape while it was still good. Of course, much of the value of the book is in how it speaks to problems that are real to the reader, so there's a good chance it wouldn't be as helpful when things are good (because you'd skip over troubles that you didn't have). I don't think one could go wrong with the exercise of reading this book, just to understand problems that can happen and their causes. Good relationships are things that are created actively. Some people may be able to do this instinctually, but for those who don't naturally have the right "common sense" to do that without help, here is some of the help you may need.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars easy to digest, January 9, 2007
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This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
This book is really about the basic characteristics of human relationships. Even though it is geared toward married couples, it can apply to any relationship (i.e. boyfriend- girlfriend, friends, families, business). It gives you very simple techniques on how to argue effecitively, and other everyday ideas on how to maintain a relationship. This boodk would work best if both partners are willing to try the methods.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars I'm Left Speechless!!, November 7, 2008
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This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
It took me a while to find this book. There are so many books out there about relationships...but when I came across..this title. It immdiately caught my eye.. I read the summary and customer reviews..and it sounded like a smart investment.

I in a committed relationship of three..years was going through some rough spots..and wanted to find a book that would not only help me improve myself, but my relationship with my loving Boyfriend josh. I was so excited when i got the book and flew through the first 50 pages..within hours.. It was so hard to put it down!

This book doesn't just ....waste your time on satistics...and crazy things, techniques etc you need to do...to improve your relationship but really... break it down in easy ..chapters.

The author givess...GOOD CONCRETE advice...and backs it up with real examples from couples she has encountered in counceling. There are so many examples in this book...you don't know what to do with yourself and each of them...the author suggests various solutions to improve yourself and your relationship.

It has been an absolute wonderful read! I am so glad I read it.
The author has such a way with words..that ...i have over half of the book hilighted.....because of the key points she made which hit right at the BULLS EYE.

I HIGHLY RECCOMMAND IT! it will defintely...renew, refresh, your relationship.
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4 of 5 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars from the perspective of an Interpersonal Communcations minor..., December 19, 2007
By 
This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
As a student who has spent a good amount of my college career delving into the subject of interpersonal relationships, I can appreciate this book. I have found Wachtel's concepts relevant and well put. Certainly her work is interdiscplinary, with references to theories in Social Psych. Her Basic Truths are fundamental to relationship building and maintenance. By addressing valid concerns of people who are in a relationship or who have ever been in one, Wachtel is able to offer realistic guidelines that can help individuals regain their sanity & help couples regain control over their seemingly downward spiral. Certainly others can benefit from her tips for how to manage commitment & autonomy, how to determine when to define self and when to agree, and how to pick and choose battles. The idea of collaboration rather than compromise is reinforced in this book. Not only is the book full of a wealth of information, it is also filled with ways to put the information to good use. Particularly useful sections/chapters were:
- "Guidelines for deciding whether there is enough good in the relationship to stay committed to one another." >> Discusses the idea of costs and rewards
- "We Love Each Other, but... we get into really bad arguments.
- "We Love Each Other, but... Now I'm not so Sure."

This book is not only for married couples... many can benefit from it!!
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7 of 9 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars torn between 4 and 5 stars, June 21, 2011
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This review is from: We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last (Paperback)
this book is a little on the dated side, but the information is really timeless. it was an easy read and has a chapter on almost any issue a couple could be having. since i gave it the full 5 stars, let me at least say what i didn't like about it.

this book may help to save your relationship, but it doesn't really help you decide if it should be saved. it may help you understand why your partner just bitched at you, but it doesn't go into your right to simply not be bitched at. that maybe if you are reading this chapter and too much relates to you, that you may be better off without.

but if you are in a relationship that you really want to keep, and are willing to do the exercises, you can make big improvements even if the cause of the problems aren't yours.
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We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last
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