Customer Reviews

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

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"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes is one of the best books on sexual addiction. Carnes says sexaholism transcend personality, gender, and socio-economic status. He defines sexual addiction as having a pathological relationship with sex and using it as a mood-altering drug. His descriptions of the symptoms, the three levels of addictions, and the progression through the four-part cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, compulsive sexual behavior and despair are excellent.
Carnes also deals with the sex addicts underlying dynamics such as a faulty self-image, and believing that sex is their most important need. Carnes describes how some addicts appear grandiose and full of exaggerated self-importance to create a front of "normalcy," and hide their addiction and poor self-esteem. He says the addict's family and friends often become angry and frustrated with the addict's "egocentricity" and insensitivity to others. Since guilt and remorse cannot be expressed the addict may become progressively more isolated and unreachable as they close off their vulnerability.
Carnes states that since the addict feels unloved and unlovable they have little confidence in the love of others and become calculating, manipulative and ruthless. They are purposely unclear about their intentions in relationship and are seductive in their behavior. Addicts also have a high need to control all situations in an effort to guarantee their sexual supply and ensure all possible sexual opportunities.
To get help Carnes recommends SA's 12 Step Program. He says the Program helps the addict to, "separate themselves as individuals from their addiction which, as a powerful illness, is destroying their lives. By admitting the addictions power, hope emerges from connecting with others and Higher Power. The fellowship of the Program surrounds participants with people who have suffered in the same way. They no longer feel unique. They trust and are trusted with personal secrets."
Carnes says the Program teaches the addict that they do not need the addiction to survive, but will need the Program because of the addictions power. When the addict recognizes how powerless and unmanageable they are over their addiction, they start to live a life which focuses on human relationships as opposed to sex.
Carnes points out how members of the Program continue to learn about the process through teaching others. He says sex addicts can become responsive and responsible members of the human community.

When I needed to understand and learn more about sexual addiction, this book was there with quality information. It gave me the basics. I have since read three books on the subject of sexual addiction and Out of The Shadows is my favorite; the only one that helped me to better understand this addiction (which I previously did not know existed). The book is simple to read and is informative. I could not put it down as it kept my full attention - I read it in just a few hours. If you or your sex addict friend or family member is not big into religion and may have trouble with 12-Step programs, this book does not get "heavily" into that; rather it outlines the basics - what you need to know and understand. Thank you Dr. Carnes for this informative book.

Carnes has completely captured the mind of the sexual addict in minute detail. Disecting each and every action and thought explaining the reasons for and behind the behavior. For 22 years I lived and was married to a sexual addict and didn't know. I was in total denial. Finding out was the biggest shock and not knowing what to do. I was fortunate enough to be told about Patrick Carnes' book. I purchased the book online (so I wouldn't suffer the embarrassment of asking for it in a bookstore) and couldn't put it down. To be able to understand in a small way the "why" of my husbands behavior allows me to not feel so guilty or in some way responsible for his behavior. I never thought a book on this subject could be called fascinating--but it is just that. Each and every paragraph had something in it that hit home. He completely is able to analyze this behavior and explain the reasons without making the addict or co-addict feel less of a person. Although my husband and I are separated, I plan on passing this book on to him as he feels he can't beat this addiction. I am hoping this book will help him as it did me, to understand.

This is a good book for anyone who wants to understand the basic emotional and psychosexual dynamics of sexual addiction but the problem I did have with it was that it was written to understand the male addict. Although the dynamics from the human level are essentially the same there are some differences.

After a really harrowing relationship with a woman addict whose secretiveness and intense denial/shame of the problem translated to my being left in the dark as to it's nature I scoured the web for any information I could find. I was really confused how this woman's behavior really depressed her to the point of endless bouts of crying and yet it continued with more calculating deceit, mind games, rampant flirting with colleagues and promiscuity. Everyone involved becomes a powerless spectator in the painful ongoings. This was the most painful experience that I have gone through to date and it has really made me wary of my perception of how sex is used to sell just about everything in the US. Pity.

For guys who have been likewise involved understanding the "logic" ( if it can be called that) of the female sex/romance addict is better outlined in a book by Charlotte Davis Kasl called: "Women, Sex and Addiction - a search for love and power" a highly qualified therapist in the field. I was amazed at how every page seemed to be a prediction ( in hindsight ) of my ex's irrational and destructive behavior, motives, feelings etc., such that many of the statements made by sexually addicted women she interviewed for the book were made by my ex g.friend, verbatim. I was aware from her intense denial of there being an [obvious] problem ( by her asserting that it was "in my head" or that my finding that there was a problem to discuss was itself, THE problem) that she did not read these books ( and indignantly would not when I offered.)

The bottom line for the addict is that because of the intense feelings of shame that perpetuate the problem and the need to cover up the problem from self and others, through paradoxically/ritualistically engaging in more of the same painful thing, such books are only helpful if the 'sufferer' is absolutely ready to face and rid oneself of it. However for those who are coaddicts and want to understand what they are going through they are helpful especially to recognize that there is nothing wrong with you and you ( nor your liaison) are to blame. If you love the addicted one then through these books one readily sees that the problem is not the person but the behavior which can be changed with time and effort. Painful stuff. Good luck to all..

This pioneering effort by Patrick Carnes describes a four stage cycle of addiction which builds the addictive patterns. These steps are: 1) preoccupation, 2) ritualization, 3) compulsive sexual behavior, and 4) despair. Carnes defines these levels of addiction. The benefit to the reader is that it is an easy read for self-evaluation and/or for evaluating another's behavior. These stages or levels are conceptualized in terms of behavior, cultural standards, legal consequences, the victim's and the public's opinion of the addiction.

The recovery process is connected to the diminishment of negative core beliefs with the replacement of positive core beliefs. The impact on and the recovery of the co-addict are defined with the starting point being that of acceptance of Step I --- being powerless.

I've been addicted to sex, masturbation, pornography, adultery, and so many other sexually compulsive acts while attempting to maintain a control and image in my life. This disease has no end; its levels of destruction are limitless. Dr. Carnes in this book completely lays out how this addiction originates, how it operates, and how it consumates. This is the most thorough book I have read on sexual addiction yet it falls severely short in assisting the addict with overcoming this problem. As far as recovery, you'll have to purchase another.

Sexual addiction has a profound impact on the partners and families of the addict. The road to recovery is a long hard journey as Dr. Carnes points out. For the partner of an addict, this book helps you understand that what you've been living with is NOT about you. You come to realize that this is a disease just as alcoholism is a disease. You learn what it's about, how it can progress if not treated and how recovery is a possibility. You also learn about co-addiction and the role you play in this insidious addiction. This book was a lifesaver for me and put me on the road to recovery from my own co-addiction.

Patrick Carnes is a recognized authority an sexual addiction and has a very clear, direct and writing style. He has a deep understanding of his topic and he conveys it in easy to understand language without any judgmental overtones.

This specific book is intended primarily for people who are addicts or suspect they have some problems in this area. As such, it contains a lot of case histories, first person quotes and a simple approach that describes the basics underlying sex addiction. The role of shame and guilt in the addictive cycle as experienced by the person caught in the cycle sexual addiction is covered in-depth. In addition, the role of sexual addiction as a maladaptive survival strategy in response to core wounds is developed at length.

In my opinion, this is an excellent resource for people in recovery. However, one of his other books CONTRARY TO LOVE seems to be more useful for helping professionals. While this book lacks some of the detailed accounts of OUT OF THE SHADOWS it goes into much greater detail on the systems dynamics i.e. role of family, culture, etc. It is more comprehensive, but a more difficult and less personal treatment of Carnes' ideas. However, this book will also be useful to people who are further along in recovery.

Patrick Carnes has written many excellent books in this area. However, Charlotte Kasl is also an author who I feel compliments Patrick Carnes' approach. The book WOMEN, SEX and ADDICTION is particularly good and even if you are not a woman, you will find it a useful resource for understaning sexual addiction and co-dependence in general.

Patrick Carnes is a fan of Twelve Step Programs and he argues convincingly for this approach in combination with therapy. Overall, he comes across as optimistic, encouraging, empathetic and practical. Much of his work has been with men, but based on my knowledge he has a deep understanding of sexual addiction and co-dependency in general.

Patrick Carnes has also written many other books on related topics such as pornography addiction, online sex addictions and breaking free from addictive or co-dependent relationships. The BETRAYAL BOND is an example of a book on this latter topic. All of his stuff is good, but various books have a different tone because of the different audiences addressed and where Carnes' was at in his thinking at the time that he wrote them. I honestly prefer CONTRARY TO LOVE to this book, but that is because I am a psychology professional and not someone looking for more detail from the inside.

I am a professional psychotherapist and have been treating sexual addiction for over 11 years. For all of this time, I have recommended this book as a starting point for understanding the addiction-for both the addict and co-addict. It is a good idea to read this book prior to starting therapy, or as an adjunct to a self-help recovery program. If you are unsure if you, or a loved one, suffers from this addiction, this book will help answer that question.

I used this book to help me formulate my approach in dealing with Sexual addiction with my clients. I run a group for men with sexual addiction and this book has been invaluable to me in not only the planning but the implementation of the group. The book gave me a starting place for treatment with a wide variety of issues all tied up in the sexual addicts life.