Customer Reviews

PAST: PERFECT! PRESENT: TENSE!: Insights From One Woman's Journey As The Wife Of A Widower

5 star:		(53)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(12)

 

 

If you are a new GOW or WOW and looking for help with the subject of dating a widower...this book can be dangerous!! In the begining you have such confusion and look for solutions desparetly...Julie Donner Anderesen gives these "solutions" when she is not qualified to do so. I was very disapointed in the book. I considered it a flight of fantasy. She writes as if HER way is the only way. This book is written in such a way that if you follow her "suggestions" ( and do not doubt it...they are only "suggestions"), you will become a "door matt" for a widower.You will learn to put the LW first at all costs. You will learn that it is okay to let people treat you like dirt because "they" are grieving. The cover of the book say's " the journey of a woman married to a widower"....the inside cover say's basically " this is fiction and the people are made up for the most part". It teaches WOW's and GOW's to be weak and not stand up for the right to feel the MOST IMPORTANT woman in her boyfriend or husbands life. It say's "it is a relationship of three hearts" sadly though the beating heart of the wife or girlfriend still alive comes out the least important...while it is obviously the one that can still be broken.

As a health care provider I am constantly searching for information to share with my patients. I often suggest specific books they might read, in order to enlighten them on subjects they are currently dealing with in thier lifes. This particular subject is near and dear to my heart as I am also the WOW (we are nearing our 6th anniversary). It is my opinion that we need more written on this subject....there are way to many women searching for answers and not finding them. Unfortunetly, they will not find them in this book. I believe this book to be outdated in many of it's notions and "solutions" ( if not in all of them!). This particular subject I believe, is currently moving in a new direction...the opposite direction in fact, that Julie Donner Andersen is traveling. For way to many years WOW's and GOW's were told that they had a certain "place" and a certain" attitude" they had to uphold. Todays woman does not take lightly, to being told how to think and feel.
This book in many ways pushes the new woman in a widowers life back in time. To a time where she was "second". To a time when a woman was silent. This book would have a new WOW or GOW doing "grave visits" with the new man in her life. By the time you are done reading, you find yourself asking....who is more in love with the LW...the widower or the new wife??
The book has a sweet, yet antique notion of three hearts involved in the relationship when indeed that is not possible. It is two hearts and one past relationship, with lingering bittersweet memories for only ONE of the other two hearts.
The whole idea behind being involved with a widower is to love him...move forward into the future, and hope that one day soon the LW is a non-issue in the relationship. By the end of this book you realize if you follow the suggestions....the LW will exist forever. I believe Juilie Donner Andersen had good intentions, but then again, I also love the scenes in a Norman Rockwell painting, and the scenes depicted are alas also scenes from the past. It is a new world, new times and women are changing.

While I do appreciate this book being available I really wish there was something else more realistically written. I found the book in the midst of a second wife emergency. I read it half way through and was totally depressed and felt like I would always be the sad replacement, not the one he wanted and that I would just have to accept that. A week later when I could finish the book I found the tiny ray of sunshine in the final chapters. So, if you get this book be sure to read the whole thing before you get too bummed out. The book did validate some of my fears but also perpetuates the Hollywood, romantic movie myth that your former widower will always be looking back to someone else and will never be able to love you completely or be completely happy in the future. The myth that your entire role is to "stand by your man" while he unknowingly hurts you with his words and actions and you should for the most part take it.

It's my personal opinion that you need to take the crumbs of truth for your situation from this book and ignore the rest.
If I was not already married when I read it I may have given up on a wonderful man due to the extra fears this book created that I had not considered and the depressing way the first few chapters were written.

As a wife of a widower I had searched unsuccessfully for reference material to help me understand our relationship. Julie's book is the only book out there and I am thankful I found it. Being the wife of a widower can be a very humbling experience and unless you have been there you don't have a clue. Julie's book will help you through the "dark thoughts" that sometimes come unexpectantly. Julie's monthly newsletter is helpful too.

I am a young widow and I was deeply offended by this book. One suggestion written was to "accidentally" break the Christmas decorations belonging to the deceased wife, so that the widower could no longer use them. I am so glad that I borrowed this book from the library instead of putting money into this "author's" pocket. She's no author. All she did was combine stories written by other widow/ers that were posted on online chat groups. Did you receive permission for all those excerpts Ms. Andersen? This women has also been sending emails asking everyone to write a favorable review for her book, especially since her feedback on eBay has turned sour. Can you say "trolling for feedback"? This book is nonsense and Ms. Andersen simply doesn't have a clue about understanding widows or widowers.

I am a wife of a widower, and this book has been a lifesaver. My husband and I read it together, and our marriage has improved 100%! Mrs. Andersen writes with compassion and intelligence, and proves once again that the best advice you can heed is from someone who has "been there and done that". I recommend this book highly.

Make sure you buy the iUniverse reprinted copy, since it has 5 more chapters than the Weyant Press published copy, and a nicer cover as well. Also, ordering from Weyant Press, Inc. was a nightmare, and I never did receive my copy (I borrowed it from a friend last year) after waiting almost 6 months.

As a widower of four years, who read this book in an attempt to better understand what my girlfriend must experience in dating me, I have to say that I was truly touched. The author's words, while not always eloquent, rang true to the experiences of both of us. After my girlfriend read the book, she asked me to read it too, because it had touched on so many of her conflicting feelings, fears, and insecurities.

I'm very glad I did.

By reading this book, and then going back through the more important chapters *together*, we were able to open up an honest dialog, and I was able to alleviate some of my sweetheart's fears -- I was also able to explain my own feelings to her. While the author is not a wonderful writer in the scholarly sense (her grammar leaves much to be desired, for one,) it is obvious that she has been down the road of marrying a widower, and has come to terms with many of the difficulties that lie therein.

Her honesty and openness in explaining how it feels to love someone who has already "loved and lost," allowed me to better sympathize with the difficulties my own girlfriend experiences, and that in turn has led to a warmer, and more loving relationship for us both.

The beginning of the book, wherein the author describes the experiences of a soon-to-be widower as he labors to take care of his dying wife, left me in tears, for it echoed my own experiences so closely.

Honestly, the handful of negative reviews that appear here on Amazon rather mystify me... I'm not sure the reviewers even read the same book as I. A few of the reviews suggest that the author treats the widower as a "broken pet."

I can tell you that as a widower, I never once felt as if I were being patronized by the author. Indeed, my experience was the opposite -- I felt, and still feel, that through the author's words my girlfriend was able to better understand what it truly feels like to be me: to have loved another, and to be ready to love yet again.

I was so happy to find a book dealing with this subject as I have recently married a widower and had many questions and no one to ask. I was so let down with this book. To me it read as outdated in it's suggestions and notions. I was looking for a book that gives helpful hints on how to make a life with the widower and while respecting the late wife..putting her where she belongs in his past. Not that I would ever ask he "stop loving her", but I wanted to know how you go about starting life without her. According to Julie Donner...you dont. She stays a large part of your life and even goes as far as to say there are "three hearts" involved..wich is JUST NOT SO. The new wife taking the LW flowers is creepy to say the least. Talking to her, writing her letters...THANKING HER??!! I want my marriage to be one of complete equality and I will never take a back seat to another woman...alive or deceased. If he is not ready to let go of the LW...he is not ready to marry. I am hoping soon to find a newer more up to date book on this subject soon. This one belongs in the garage in a box withother outdated bric-a-brac.

If you want to truly understand grief and are in a relationship with a widow/er, please seek advice from a professional, which this author is NOT.

This book and author are both disappointing. I felt that author describes how to pick up a widower before he is ready, and then whip him into shape to create the man you always wanted. It is a bit disturbing. Not everyone is cut out to be with a widow or widower, and as a widow myself, I can't say that the author has any business describing grief, as she has not experienced it herself. It is unacceptable to describe widow/ers to be broken pets, that can be reconstructed as you desire and then force them to delete their past. It seems that not only the skills to build a healthy and respectful relationship are missing from this book, but also a actual understanding of what it is like to experience a devastating loss. Perhaps co-authoring with a widow/er would be a good idea in the future if one was to produce a similar book.

One more tip to add to this book, if you read it and believe it, don't tell the widow/er that you are dating.....because if they have read it or heard of this author (who is quite notorious) they will not be impressed.

I searched the Internet and found very little regarding dating a widower and how the loss of his late wife would impact our relationship. I wondered if my feelings and emotions were "normal" as to the things of the late wife's in the home, the fact that it was "their home" and everything that goes along with "the house" and her "presence" in the house. Also, his frequent references to his late wife and the long history he and she had together, as compared to our "brief history."

This book was extremely helpful in putting things into perspective and emphasizes that it is something that you work thru and not just something that happens overnight. Some give and take has to happen with both partners as well as a great deal of understanding from each.