Parenting From the Inside Out [Paperback]

Daniel Siegel (Author), Mary Hartzell (Author)

Book Description

Release date: April 22, 2004

How many parents have found themselves thinking: I can't believe I just said to my child the very thing my parents used to say to me! Am I just destined to repeat the mistakes of my parents? In Parenting from the Inside Out, child psychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and early childhood expert Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., explore the extent to which our childhood experiences actually do shape the way we parent. Drawing upon stunning new findings in neurobiology and attachment research, they explain how interpersonal relationships directly impact the development of the brain, and offer parents a step-by-step approach to forming a deeper understanding of their own life stories, which will help them raise compassionate and resilient children.

Born out of a series of parents' workshops that combined Siegel's cutting-edge research on how communication impacts brain development with Hartzell's thirty years of experience as a child-development specialist and parent educator, Parenting from the Inside Out guides parents through creating the necessary foundations for loving and secure relationships with their children.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Mary Hartzell has helped me immeasurably in my quest to be the best possible parent I can be (I often fail). Her research and hands-on practice both as a teacher, and as the director of First Presbyterian Nursery School in Santa Monica, have enabled her to write and create some of the most invaluable resources for parents. Her book, Parenting from the Inside Out, is a must-have for any parent...I gave a friend of mine a copy of Parenting... and she said, "This book is changing my life. I like my kids again."
-Gweneth Paltrow, Goop.com

About the Author

Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., received his medical degree from Harvard University and completed his postgraduate medical education at the University of California, Los Angeles. The author of The Developing Mind, a pioneering book on neurobiology and attachment, he is currently an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine.
Mary Hartzell, M. Ed., is a child-development specialist and parent educator. She has taught children, parents, and teachers for more than thirty years and is the director of the renowned First Presbyterian Preschool of Santa Monica, California.

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Tarcher; Reprint edition (April 22, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1585422959
• ISBN-13: 978-1585422951
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.8 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.6 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (63 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,519 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #14 in Books > Crafts, Hobbies & Home > Home Improvement & Design > How-to & Home Improvements

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

127 of 128 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Parenting from Inside the Parent Brain September 29, 2006

By Ann Douglas VINE™ VOICE

Format:Paperback

While other authors have focused their attention on the brain of the developing child (What's Going on in There by Lise Eliot, Ph.D. and The Scientist in the Crib by Alison Gopnik, PhD, Andrew N. Meltzoff, Ph.D., and Patricia K. Kuhl, Ph.D.), in their book Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help you Raise Children Who Thrive, Siegel and Hartzell zero in on what's going on inside the parent's brain -- specifically how new research in the areas of neurobiology and attachment theory can help parents to understand why they parent the way they do and what they can do to use that knowledge to become better parents.

The authors stress the importance of making peace with your past so that you can avoid repeating any negative patterns of family interaction with your own kids: "In the absence of reflection, history often repeats itself and parents are vulnerable to passing on to their children unhealthy patterns from the past. Understanding our lives can free us from the otherwise predictable situation in which we recreate the damage to our children that was done to us in our own childhoods....By making sense of our lives we can deepen a capacity for self-understanding and bring coherence to our emotional experience, our views of the world, and our interactions with our children."

The book's content is excellent, but it's pretty heavy-going at times. The authors offer the reader a mix of straight narrative, introspective journaling exercises, and lessons in neurobiology. It's all fascinating stuff, but it requires a lot of focus and attention. Definitely not to be attempted with a child in the room!

55 of 56 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars Vague! September 25, 2011

By aty

Format:Paperback

Being an avid reader, I'm appreciative of good writing for writing itself, which I appreciated reading this book, but for practical purposes, being a new parent, this book was very vague. The basic message during the first 3/4 of the book was, "Treat your own depression and get therapy so you can be a better parent." OK, nothing new there. It was not until the last 1/4 of the book that the author gave a few concrete examples of how to "parent from the inside out." Therefore, this book may be more appropriate for a college psychology course than a practical parenting book.

I made a few notes of key paragraphs for me to review as my daughter grows up:

"Every day we miss opportunities for making true connections because instead of listening and responding appropriately to our children we respond only from our own point of view and fail to make a connection to their experience. When our children tell us what they think or how they feel, it is important to respect their experience, whether or not it's the same as our own. Parents can listen to and understand their children's experience rather than tell them that what they think and feel isn't valid.

The following examples may help to illustrate these ideas. Imagine that your child is riding his tricycle and falls off. It looks to you more like a a surprise than an injury, but he starts crying, to which you respond, `You're not hurt. You shouldn't cry. You're a big boy.' Your child feels hurt, whether it is his body or his pride, and yet you tell him that his experience isn't a valid one. Now consider how the child might feel if you gave a contingent response: 'It surprised you when you went over that bump and you fell off onto the grass. Are you hurt?'
Or let's imagine that your child enthusiastically expresses a desire for a particular toy that she has seen advertised and you respond with, 'Oh, no, you don't really want that--it's just a piece of junk.' Your child just told you that she does want it, which doesn't mean that you have to get it for her, but you can acknowledge her desires. 'That toy really looks like it would be fun to play with. Tell me what you like about it.' If she continues to insist on getting the toy right away, you can say, 'I see that is is hard to wait when you like it so much. Maybe you want me to write it down so when it is time to get a present, I'll know what you might like to have.' When parents understand that they can let their children have and express their desires without having to fulfill them, it frees the parent to make a connection to the children's experience without having to deny their feelings.
If verbal and nonverbal signals communicate different messages--are not congruent--the overall message will be unclear and confusing. We are getting two different and conflicting messages at once. Suppose a mother is sad and her daughter, picking up the nonverbal signals, asks, 'Mommy, what's wrong? Did I do something to make you sad?' and with a forced smile, her mother replies, 'Oh no, honey, I'm not sad, everything is just fine.' The child will feel confused because of the double message. Her experience is informing her of one thing while the words of her mother are giving a contradictory message. If there is a mismatch between the verbal and the nonverbal, it can be quite disorienting for a child trying to sort out the confusion and the inconherence of the communication.
Our children benefit when we express our feelings directly, simply, and in nonthreatening ways. A child wants to know not only what his parents think but also how they feel.

It may be useful to recall that the belief that the self is defective is a child's conclusion, arising from noncontingent connections with parents. Realizing that 'I am lovable' is important."

I would also recommend going over pages 88, 186-192, 205.

For a more practical parenting book, I would recommend, "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline." The title of the book is actually not reflective of the fact that the book's purpose is really to encourage parents to understand themselves better in order to "discipline" children lovingly, respectfully, with appropriate boundaries. The book gives concrete examples that parents can use every day.

59 of 61 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Parenting from the Inside Out November 18, 2004

By T. Allender

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

This parenting book is far more than a "how-to". It examines the importance of the parent child relationship from the perspective of the child's neurological and social development. It challenges parents to examine their own upbringing and to evaluate how their experiences as a child now influence their functioning as a parent. The premises exlpained in the book are supported by recent breakthroughs in brain research. As a psychotherapist who works with children and famlies, this is the book I recommend the most to my clients. At times the writing in the book is somewhat techinical in nature, but there are many stories and exercies for parents that are beneficial even if the reader doesn't understand all of the language.