Customer Reviews

Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only

5 star:		(22)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(8)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

I expected this book to be about PARENTING an only child per its title and was disappointed. Susan Newman did touch on some important issues such as teaching sharing and respectfulness and avoiding loneliness, although there wasn't a lot of meat to the chapters on these subjects. She also discussed being careful not to have excessive expectations of an only child, which I found interesting. However, a great deal of this book was devoted to justifying the decision to have an only child. If you're struggling with your family planning choices and would like someone to tell you repeatedly you're doing the right thing, you may enjoy this book. At this point, I don't need justification, I need information on addressing relevant issues so that I can be the best possible parent to my child. I also do not need reasons why my decision to have an only child is "superior" to the paths other families choose and was a little disturbed by the author's tone. Bottom line: this book effectively identifies some concerns of parents of only children, but I will be looking elsewhere for more substantial parenting support.

My husband and I had pretty much decided not to have anymore children but still had some reservations. However after reading this book I can say that I am much more at ease with the decision. Dr. Newman did so much research and includes quotes and other examples directly not only from educators and doctors, but from real people who are the parents of only children and, most importantly, only children themselves. The reader gets a broad spectrum of input from many different people yet the author ensures that the most important point remain clear--that only children are not deprived, spoiled, overly dependent or social recluses. Dr. Newman, along with her myriad of real-life interviewees, truly takes a stand against the ideas that society has implanted into the minds of parents, making them believe that their child will grow up "missing something" or be maladjusted simply because they do not have a sibling. Dr. Newman also makes sure to include what "not" to do as the parent of an only...some common traps and other unintentional mistakes parents of onlies can make. My son is only three, so this book gave me tremendous insight, advice and suggestions on how to not treat him like an "only child," but simply how to love him as an individual person, regardless of anything else. This book is really about common sense. ALL children go through stages of clinginess, hitting or other beahvioral problems, difficulty with sharing, etc. Yet only children tend to get singled out when these things occur because ignorant people assume they don't have the social skills like a child with a sibling. A child can also prefer to play alone or enjoy solitary activities, siblings or not. Children have innate qualities from birth that don't have anything to do with the number of siblings they have and the reader is reminded of this throughout. She also gives suggestions on how to respond to those who can pressure you into having more. I found that very helpful because pressures to have the typical 2.2 children are very strong.

The only thing I found a little disappointing about the book is the way the author portrays the scenario of what life could be like with additional children. I myself am one of five children and growing up I didn't experience any of the "turmoil" that Dr. Newman mentions in her examples. Although I am of course viewing my own childhood from a child's perspective and not that of my parents. However I always felt loved and nurtured despite having a chaotic house full of kids. I'm quite certain my parents had their moments but any problems they had did not stem from the number of children they had. They enjoyed having a large family, in fact they wanted more than they got! I also have an excellent relationship with all my siblings. Dr. Newman suggests the idea that parents may consider having one simply so their kids don't fight. She also brings up reasons like diaper changes and midnight feedings as reasons to not have anymore. I think things like that are pretty ridiculous reasons. I don't think you can base not having another child on a temporary stage of life that they will grow out of. Reasons need to run deeper than that. So I do have to disagree with Dr. Newman's theories on this topic only, because I don't think they apply universally yet she writes as if they do. I understand her thinking behind them, yet I think if she had left these kinds of things out of the book it would have sounded a little less negative. She does an excellent job of portraying the positives of having one but should have done it without "scare tactics" and silly reasoning.

I still give the book 5 stars however, because I am taking from it what I want and discarding the above-mentioned issues. I'm sure this book will become an important reference tool as well as a reminder to me in the future that I am not doing my son a disservice by not giving him a sibling, which I think is one of the key elements in the book. It's the first book I've read on the subject and I think it will be the only one I'll need.

This is the best book I have read on deciding to stop with one child. My husband and I wanted our first born to be an only, but struggled with all the stereotypical concerns. This book addressed EVERY one of our concerns and helped us feel better about our decision. Although the book did talk about women's careers as an impetus for this decision (I am a stay at home mom), I still found the book very applicable and informative. I would recommend this book to anyone thinking about having an only child. The second half of the book deals with parenting an only child and is a very good resource for those who have already made the decision.

After taking parenting classes, listening to audio tapes and reading any book on parenting I finally found a book, and author, that really answered all of my questions. Parenting an Only Child by Dr. Susan Newman has been the first book I've highlighted sections of since college and my co-worders love to borrow. Here is just a little of a teaser:

If you are even thinking about having only one child, and haven't made your decision yet, you MUST read this book. It will remove any guilt and pressure.

Attempting to shield your only child is perhaps the easiest trap into which you can fall. As soon as you start interfering, tears will flow and dependence will begin to blossom.

Don't focus on oneness. (This was Dr Newman's answer to my e-mail query, "Should I start an only child play group?")

Involve your child as much as possible in activities that do not center on him, such as team sports, summer trips or camp programs.

Playdates, playdates, playdates! The more your child shares his toys, his meals, and even his bedtime rituals at sleepovers the more she will learn how to get along with others. Onlies have to search these out daily as they don't have the built-in play available with a sibling. In effect, create sibling relationships so he gets noncontrolling behavior modeling from other sources.

Advance reminders help an only child to your going out without him. Rebellion against your going out is one of the most obvious indications that your child is seeking control.

So that about sums up my favorite parts but not the entire value of the book. So either try and get your hands on my highlighted well worn copy if you dare or spend the $13 for your own. I guarantee it's cheaper than counseling! And one last thing, thank you Dr. Newman for the best parenting book I've ever read!

This book helped me a lot. It seemed as though every time I turned around people told me that my son would "suffer" being an only child. Since I am unable to make him a brother or a sister, it seemed like an unusually cruel thing for people to say. However, I still worried about it. This book showed me all the wonderful things about having an only child. I needed to see those reasons and I agreed with them. It would be great to have the world work in the perfect way, but it doesn't and it was nice to have a book to remind me to see the good in a situation.

My husband and I have decided that we want to keep our only an only, but not really for the reasons in this book. I was disappointed that the author spoke a lot of somewhat selfish reasons, perhaps suggesting that having another child would not fit the parents' "lifestyle." It just seemed negative to me. There were some parts of the book that were helpful, though...I liked when the author asked if the parent was really ready to end the love affair with the first child. No, we are not! But our reasons were not mentioned: we struggled with IF and a horrible pregnancy. I'm not sure that I could be an effective parent to my daughter now if I were to become pregnant again. None of those health-related issues were addressed. Also, regarding the advice in the book that is offered so that you do not *spoil* your only...must of it applies to ALL children...not just singletons. I appreciated what the author was trying to accomplish, but I just didn't care so much for this book. I'll keep looking.

This book strongly emphasizes the 90's Career Woman, and undervalues the stay-at-home Mom. It comes dangerously close to insulting the stay-at-home Mom and labeling her as an antiquated species. While there are a few good tidbits of wisdom in this book, overall it fails to offer strong advice and helpful guidelines for raising the only child. After extensive research on this topic, I can strongly recommend the books: "You and Your Only Child: The Joys, Myths, and Challenges of Raising an Only Child" by Patricia Nachman, Ph.D. and Andrea Thompson, and "Keys to Parenting the Only Child" by Carl E. Pickhardt.

You'd think, in a society that has come to accept one-parent families, one-child families would also be considered "normal," but, it turns out, that's not quite the case. In "Parenting An Only Child," Susan Newman, a social pyschologist displaying extraordinary common sense, goes one-on-one with the prejudice and supplies any parent of "an Only" with enough ammunition to shut up anyone who dares look askance at singular offspring. First off, she tackles all the cliches - that "Onlies" are spoiled, socialize poorly, blahblahblah - and makes mincemeat of them. Then she lists all the advantages of having an "Only," including having enough money to feed, clothe, and educate them without resorting to robbery as a second-career. And throughout the book, which, I've just learned, is an amplification and expansion of an earlier edition, she acknowledges "Only" pitfalls (such as the tendency to create the "state-of-the-art child") and devises pretty foolproof schemes to avoid them. If you have 1 kid, are thinking about limiting your family-size to 1 kid, reading Newman will make you a better parent - and your kid a nicer kid.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. My husband and I recently decided to make our daughter our "only". He, being an only, of course is confident that all will be fine but I needed some reassurance and data to make me feel more comfortable. This book not only made me feel very comfortable and happy about our decision but also made me aware of the different pitfalls that may occur in the one child family - very avoidable pitfalls if aware of them before they occur. I highly recommend this book to any parents of only children or those contemplating the decision.

Half of this book is devoted to justifying the decision to have an only child. If you aren't deeply committed to having had one and that's just how it is, the repetitive superiority argument gets tiresome. If you do hold deep convictions that this is the right and only decision for you, I doubt that you need this kind of validation... there are bettter arguments than she offers. Newman spends a lot of time arguing against the myths of how an only child will turn out...selfish, spoiled, dependent, etc. But the second half of the book, supposedly devoted to the unique issues of parenting an only, droans on about these same issues and paints the picture of the over-zealous pressuring super-mom/dad. There is very little new or useful information presented, especially if you've ever read, another, better parenting book. She provides few citations of actual research to back up her assertions and relies simply on naming indiviuals who are onlies or parents of onlies and citing their experiences in support of her "conclusions" it was easy to doubt their authenticity. By then end of the book she sounded like a park bench parent who assumed her way was the best/only way. I also found her penchant for bashing the relationships of siblings and parents/children in multi-child families distressing and her arguments quite flawed. I forced myself to finish this book hoping to come away with some useful information about the truly unique and complex issues that arise with an only child. You need not waste your time doing the same... there is little here other than oversimplified generalitites, unsubstantiated opinions, and streotyping.