Customer Reviews

The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development

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Think Britney Spears, peer pressure, and Twitter are making modern kids sullen, detached, and generally rotten? Think again. Richard Weissbourd's book about modern parenting trends places the responsibility for kids' moral well-being squarely where it belongs -- on the parents. In his book, The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development, the lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education talks about popular parenting techniques such as being "positive parents," focusing on self-esteem, and praising our kids excessively.

And the shock is? He's against these things.

Weissbourd's countercultural parenting advice suggests that parents' intense focus on their children's happiness actually makes kids less happy, that excessive praise stunts character development, and that "over-parenting" can turn children into "fragile conformists. Additionally, he challenges the "self-esteem" craze -- the belief that if parents bolster their kids' sense of self, they'll invariably turn out to be good people. This is the first time in history that people have succumbed to this backwards idea about morality and explains that bullies, delinquents, and gang leaders often have the highest self-esteem.

I was fully prepared to read his book to figure out why other people's kids were throwing popcorn in the movie theater, but every chapter challenged my own parenting.

It's a meddlesome book, in other words. One you should definitely pick up.

It's easy to sum up this work as previous reviewers have; harder to delve into the details in "soundbite" format for this forum. I'll try to give a more comprehensive overview of each chapter to provide needed detail for readers to make up their minds about this book's relevance to their own moral challenges as encountered by parents, children, teachers, and coaches. Being a decent, respectful, compassionate person today seems harder than ever in a "big-box" culture demanding it all now.

Weissbourd surveyed students, and had students conduct surveys of their peers, and gathered what he finds is an alternative argument to those who demand tougher moral accountability without dismantling the self-esteem and self-important folderol that in the wake of the 1960s-70s pop psychology movement has invaded classrooms, Little League, parent-teacher conferences, and the insanely inflated competition for elite college admissions. Weissbourd advises a less strained, more balanced attitude that allows kids to fail more, to grow up without demanding parents, and to learn morality from how parents and other authority figures model it themselves-- no easy task.

Chapter 1 deals with "Helping Children Manage Destructive Emotions." Shame and self-hatred often emerge from over-coddling children to the extent they cannot form their own values. Chapter 2 "Promoting Happiness and Morality" urges parents that both can be attained, and that true satisfaction need not come from an Ivy League matriculation. Again, parents gain blame here for pushing kids to succeed despite the cost to their psyches at the degrees, possessions, and egotism that earlier generations never could have had, or failed to achieve.

"The Real Danger in the Achievement Craze," chapter 3 warns, is that depression, especially in adolescent girls, can result. Chapter 4 is self-explanatory, full of cases that demonstrate "When Being Close to Children Backfires." I found Chapter 5 my favorite, "Moral Adults, Moral Children," even if the attention paid to how middle-aged adults can find their morality eroding or increasing as time goes on was far too brief for such a valuable topic that could have merited a book in itself.

Chapter 6 examines how schools can assist children better in their moral cognition and demonstration of empathy; chapter 7 studies this in how parents can learn when to step up and when to hang back when it comes to sports, coaches, and their children's fellow teammates and opponents. Weissbourd's own experiences here enliven this chapter considerably, and I sense this may be an under-explored area for psychologists as well as parents and coaches themselves worthy of much more attention given the ratcheting-up of competition in much of America.

The last chapters cover "Cultivating Mature Idealism in Young People" that also recognizes the dangers of trying to change the world too much too soon for young people pushed into community service programs, and "Key Moral Strengths of Children Across Race and Culture" looks at immigrant children mainly from Asian and Latino backgrounds as well as a thoughtful look at African American expectations and child-raising techniques that differ, often in positive and affirming ways little appreciated, from the majority culture. While the decline with Americanization and assimilation in values, respect for authority, and scholastic achievement earn coverage in the chapter, again this topic deserved more concentration, given the impact of immigrants upon nearly every school district in urban and suburban areas today, as well as many rural areas formerly little exposed to such changes.

In conclusion, Weissbourd suggests three types of "moral communities": to bring in the often absent fathers, to help parents support each other, and to allow parenting to become more shared among peers to promote feedback and widen the availability of optional strategies for dealing with discipline, vulnerabilities, and to encourage openness while respecting the need for children as they grow to find their own way that may diverge from the parental expectations.

My wife found a "New Yorker" mention of Weissbourd's work and read it; she encouraged me to do the same. I review a lot of books for Amazon, but this is the first parenting one; this is outside my usual range or interests. Therefore, I found the contents intriguing, but often the points I wanted more depth on were raised, considered for a page or a paragraph, and then the author went on to other subjects. For instance, an observation on how many parents in a secular age lack therefore religious backup or accessible models in making or enforcing morality for themselves and their families deserved elaboration.

Weissbourd's efficiently summarizing his previous research and that of his colleagues, as the well-documented endnotes demonstrate. But, there may have been a reliance on assembling material already published into book form that may account for the uneven concentration given what were for me essential topics deserving more coverage than the two-hundred pages of readable if brisk text can offer.

He tallies up the problems of cheating, selfishness, and abdication by many parents and children of moral responsibilities in a misguided push to succeed at all costs. Growing wealth allows many to indulge themselves more. "The pursuit of happiness" expectation promised in the Declaration of Independence mixes toxically with our self-interest directed in the wrong direction as far as others' welfare is concerned. Too many of us obsess over our satisfactions and avoid any involvement in what dissatisfies us or what cannot live up to our unrealistic, bull-headed, and selfish expectations. Weissbourd provides a way out of a culture of excess and envy; perhaps few parents will read this, but it's a valuable, if often underelaborated, handbook of observations that offer constructive criticism of how parenting, acquisition, and trophies have all spoiled this generation of incessant wannabee overachievers young and not-so-young.

This book is a wise and compassionate guide to raising moral, happy, and competent children. No parent should be without it. In a calm, reassuring manner, Weissbourd, an experienced psychologist, shows us all how to love our children effectively and well, even if that means, at times, holding back. As a parent of two, a lifetime educator, and a former administrator at a demanding independent school (one of the several kinds of schools where Weissbourd did his research), I recommend this book most enthusiastically. It will give you valuable insights into both yourself and your children. It will help you make growing up together the rich, rewarding experience it should and can be.
--Eugene Pool

I caught Weissbourd's NPR interview with Terry Gross and was intrigued enough to get the book. Although Weissbourd hooked me with his sage advice to parents, he gave me an unexpected insight into my own childhood. He says, "It's less the severity or duration of parents' destructive moods than how children understand them" that is the problem. Among the destructive moods discussed is depression, and he tells Matt's story: "I used to think my mother just hated being my mother, that she wanted to be doing something else. Now I'm looking back over all those years and seeing them differently and I'm feeling a lot better. I'm seeing that all that anger was coming from something inside of her head. She was depressed. It was about HER. It didn't have anything to do with me." As can be typical of hurting children, both Matt and I told stories that reflected poorly on ourselves and reflected even more poorly on the truth.
Get the book for more than a mini psychoanalysis, however. Weissbourd knows how to turn a phrase. Here are a couple: ...the million paper cuts an adolescent can inflict...and wading into the muck of ourselves. He's got his finger on a contemporary problem. Parents are trying too hard to be their kids' friends and don't think often enough of how they can influence their kids to be moral human beings. They may be morally underdeveloped themselves. Parents can emphasize their kids' happiness and self esteem over against their kids' ability to empathize with others and contribute within the greater community. Parents can pile on the pressure by giving global praise (you're terrific, that's great, etc). But who better than a kid can spot hypocrisy in a parent? (No, I'm not putting any pressure on you to go to Yale, but here's the tutor's phone number and I expect you to meet with her every day this week.)
Have you run into this term yet? dimpie (doting indulgent modern parents) Or this? Krispie or teacup: fragile dependent student who unravels away from home. Get the book. It's highly readable and insightful.

Richard Weissbourd's new book continues the challenging and incisive inquiry into child development he began in his first book, The Vulnerable Child. Thoughtfully and persuasively, he sheds a prismatic look into the ways parents and other adults can facilitate the development of a moral curiosity and integrity in children and adolescents. His view is far ranging and at the same time close to the bone. With a keen and fresh observational eye buttressed by elegant and discerning prose, Weissbourd pulls the reader into the compelling story of how children construct a moral compass through their everyday interactions with the adults in their lives. And in doing so, he reminds us that we all have a major stake in the outcome. This is a wonderful book, and would be well suited to both an academic and general audience.

In this inspiring, compelling book, Richard Weissbourd provides deep insights into the ongoing work of promoting moral and happy children. There are a lot of parenting books that give parents strategies and tips, but this book does something far more in the end. With great empathy, Weissbourd asks us to troll in the waters of ourselves, helping us understand both how we can regress and grow as moral mentors for our children. He also provides concrete information about how we can handle our kids' achievements in constructive ways, promote their happiness, and be effective in our interactions with their teachers and sports coaches. Five stars for The Parents We Mean to Be.

The book gave me enough food for thought on the topic of morality and children. I've just become a father and I also happen to see many kids from various ages in my extended family. My thoughts and feelings after observing the younger ones and teens, how they react to their peers, elders and to the world in general is neither very optimistic nor really pessimistic but I must confess that I generally tend to be a little pessimist. Sometimes I feel like I will not have much say when my son will be a teenager, all that peer pressure and other parameters that will be more or less out of my control. But on the other hand, I also observe the parents and see how their behavioral patterns affect the children, e.g. their attitude towards sports activities, how they value sports and what kind of ethical standards they adhere to.

Richard Weissbourd draws a pretty broad and sincere picture about the current situation of parenting in USA, as well as major problems and attitudes towards children. Some parts of the book may run the risk of sounding a little alien to the people outside of USA, but in this highly-connected world of ours I don't think we can deny the influence of culture from the other side of Atlantic. One of the striking points of the book is how Weissbourd describes the changes of attitude in immigrant children: in the beginning they are very nice, polite, hard-working and respectful (according to their teachers) but after a few years of interacting with their peers in USA they undergo a dramatic change of attitude towards their teachers, school life, and moral values; which is generally perceived as very negative by the very same teachers.

One of the main themes of the book, and maybe the most important lesson of all, is that actually trying to be 'friends' with your children does not work the way you expect. There are many examples from real world cases in which children lose their strongest moral compass, their parents because, well, parents became more like friends than parents. Another important point is the attitude of parents towards success, morality and the tension between these two when there are situations where those notions seem to contradict each other. There are fabulous examples in which you see how children understand and interpret the hypocrisy of their parents when it comes to academic achievement and how it relates to "success is not everything, you should be a good and honest person in life" kind of thinking. Taking into account the overly competitive social life of USA and how it erodes the psychology of people, I'm reluctant to accuse parents but then I ask myself "to whom will the children turn to for an example, if not their parents?" There doesn't seem to be easy and simple answers.

One of my favorite chapters of the book has got to do about the relationship among sports, coaching, moral values and parenting. Some parts of the chapter are real gems on the philosophy of sports. Weissbourd does not hesitate to bust the myths of coaching spread by popular Hollywood movies such as Remember the Titans, Hoosiers and others. I found it very important and valuable to reflect upon why we value sports, why we take our children to sports activities and what success means to us and our children in the context of those activities. Is having fun the most important thing that should eschew hard competition? Is winning the game, by doing whatever it takes, something to be worshiped? What would our children really lose had they not been in that sports activity? Is it really for us or for them? Should the coach be a dictator or should the parents be let to interfere all the time?

I would suggest this book to parents of little children or teenagers if they have concerns about raising moral children in today's world. A world in which they'll face unprecedented amounts of cultural influence, peer pressure and competition in various settings, starting with school. The book does not give simple and ready-to-use recipes but the questions it arises by using concrete examples and the principles it discusses are worth reading and re-reading indeed.

While principally a collection of broad recommendations, personal reflections and generalizations, I thank Dr. Weissbourd for bringing up an important issue: the need to consider moral development a lifelong task for which we all (especially parents) play a vital role. I agree with the broad solutions offered by Dr. Weissbourd at the end of the book: expect more of America's fathers; create stronger ties among parents; and give each other (and accept) feedback. Hopefully, by daring to bring up the issue, this book might spark further research and debate. And perhaps it will also inspire someone (perhaps even Dr. Weissbourd) to write an even more rigorous, evidence-based analysis of the moral development research literature relevant to (and written for) parents.

Mr. Murphy's review is on target. Weissbourd provides a real service by deftly sketching parenting as the work of navigating personal compulsions, social anxiety, and moral calling. He focuses on how the determination of modern parents to love their children can lead them away from taking their children seriously as moral agents. He is a font of wisdom and telling anecdote. BUT this book reads like it was written in workman-like 5 hours stints over a semester's sabbatical. Paragraphs accumulate, crucial issues are discussed in overview, others pop up in snippets, anecdotes come and go. I am not at all surprised that other reviewers were sent here by Fresh Air, that sanctum sanctorum of liberal high culture -- the dust jacket encomiums make it clear that Mr. Weissbourd is an outstanding professional networker. If he were merely another hack on the make I wouldn't waste my time with a review. He's not -- he has wisdom to dispense on an important topic -- even better, it's a rare topic in which those in need of advice actually seek it out. It feels like there's a work of enduring value here, but that he wasn't willing to take the time to bring it to fruition. Perhaps The Vulnerable Child was that book, or perhaps he is too busy with his non-writing efforts. In any event, there are certainly insights of enduring value here. I'd like to thank Mr. Weissbourd for "The Parents We Mean to Be", which is well worth reading as-is, and to encourage him to consider distilling his wisdom on parenting into a text he crafts over time and publishes only when it is finished.

Timely and up to date, this book is important and worthwhile for all parents. Mr. Weissbourd presents both good scholarship and a personal honesty, a combination that is not easy to pull off, but it gives great credibility to his voice. While he views critically the major aspects of our culture that influence the growth of children, he gives space for understanding. If the reader feels scolded, he or she will also feel encouraged.
'The Parents We Mean to Be' is not just a tiresome "how to do it book", but it articulates well-reasoned suggestions. Any parent will find items for self-reflection. I have recommended this book to all my teacher and preacher friends as a resource, and I believe any young child, say in twenty years, would be gratified to know that his Mom or Dad had read it.