Parents Under Siege: Why You Are the Solution, Not the Problem, in Your Child's Life [Hardcover]

Claire Bedard (Author), James Garbarino (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 28, 2001

"In this powerful and practical book, Dr. James Garbarino, renowned author of Lost Boys, "and child advocate Claire Bedard offer both a tough-minded, compassionate vision of why "bad things happen to good parents" and solutions for mothers and fathers who are ready to become stronger forces in their children's lives.

A handful of children make headlines by waging war against their schools and peers, but there are millions of troubled boys and girls who don't go to such extremes. All the same they make life hell for their families, not always intentionally and not because they are rebelling against parents who are neglectful or abusive. Why? Because parents are imperfect and some kids simply are hard to raise. Confidential surveys reveal that 20 percent of American parents say they have a child at home who is so difficult it is nearly impossible to lead a normal life.

Working hard and raising the kids in a good community aren't enough anymore; there are too many other influences. To regain control, parents must first see clearly the many forces at work both around their families and within themselves. "Parents Under Siege advises parents how to become better observers of their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors -- a key to becoming more astute observers of their children's public and secret lives. The authors help parents to take a step back and examine their child-rearing practices. Do they teach confidence rather than fear? Do they create structure and authority within the family and align positively with outside authorities? Do they harness their greatest strength -- the capacity for connection and spiritual growth?

Drawing upon their twenty-five years ofexperience in research with children of all ages and their families, and dozens of interviews with parents from across the country conducted specifically for this book -- including the only face-to-face conversations with the parents of Columbine school shooter Dylan Klebold -- the authors provide a realistic and sympathetic look at parenting in today's world. "Parents Under Siege offers an imaginative "parenting toolbox" -- deeply grounded and effective strategies that will help parents deal with difficult, even "impossible" children, find positive paths for development in face of the toughest challenges, provide alternate views to media violence and the Internet, and raise spiritually grounded children.

A must-read for all parents, "Parents Under Siege offers practical, inspirational advice for cultivating the mindfulness and observational skills that great parenting demands.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Whether it's shocking TV coverage of a violent teen's lethal rampage or an encounter with a screaming toddler at the supermarket, most onlookers naturally wonder, "What kind of parents raised this kid?" Parents Under Siege politely volleys that question right back over the net with a community-wide call for compassion and accountability. In bold defense of the accused, child psychologist James Garbarino and child advocate Claire Bedard declare that parents are responsible--but not to blame--for the actions and behaviors of their offspring. They demonstrate that the road to empowered parenting begins with a critical look at each child's temperament and surrounding social environment. Garbarino and Bedard equip readers for this important task with a "conceptual toolbox": 10 fundamental strategies to analyze, jimmy, prop, or repair an array of developmental leaks, squeaks, sags, and clogs. With clear, real-life examples, they demonstrate each tool's role in bolstering the parent's abilities to understand deeply, cultivate mindfulness, and adjust their own behaviors as needed. This compassionate work--grounded in a strong religious foundation--blends research studies, parental testimony, and insights from spiritual leaders including the Dalai Lama. It stands out as a practical and empathic guide to parenting responsibly. --Liane Thomas

From Publishers Weekly

Stories about violence perpetrated by children and adolescents make the front pages with disturbing regularity. What is less well known is that 10 percent of young people who commit homicides come from sound homes with functioning families. Garbarino and Bedard (coauthors, Lost Boys) probe the so-called "impossible" children those who go awry despite loving, supportive parents ranging from those who make daily life difficult to those who tragically commit murder. The authors combine research and interviews (including interviews with the parents of Dylan Klebold, the Columbine school shooter perhaps the most famous and tragic example of a "difficult" child from a stable home) with statistical analysis to present a startling picture of the changing culture of parenting in America. They offer the consolation that parents are not to blame when things go wrong, and provide some advice on how to intervene early enough to make a difference. Reaching no easy answers, the authors show how the interplay of personal temperament, family involvement and social pressures can create a recipe for children to become unhinged, secretive, disengaged and possibly violent. Though repetitive, dense and hard to follow at points, this book offers a sound theoretical starting point for parents grappling with a difficult child. It also lists many helpful resources, Web sites and groups, along with suggested further reading.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Free Press; 1ST edition (August 28, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0743201345
• ISBN-13: 978-0743201346
• Product Dimensions: 9.4 x 6.1 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,291,893 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

35 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars What To Do When Being a Good Parent Isn�t Enough, September 10, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 110,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 100 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: Parents Under Siege: Why You Are the Solution, Not the Problem, in Your Child's Life (Hardcover)

The authors also wrote the acclaimed book, The Lost Boys. That book came out the day that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold created the massacre at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Later meeting with Dylans family after Mr. and Mrs. Klebold contacted them, the authors became convinced that Dylan had had good parents. ...

Anything can happen is the candid warning of this book. ...

In the 10 percent of the cases where abuse and neglect are not involved in youth crime, the root causes are found in fragile kids (who are susceptible to negative influences), excess reliance on secret lives not perceived by parents and friends, and a peer who has taken the same path (youth violence almost always occurs in at least pairs). Certainly, part of the problem is the toxic culture that encourages youth violence.

The book provides a toolkit of 10 things to employ with your children.

(1) You can never do just one thing to make the situation better.

(2) See the world through their eyes.

(3) Spiritual parenting helps.

(4) Evaluate the cumulative risk your children are subject to.

(5) Understand that resilience varies by child.

(6) Create a map of your childs perceptions of the world.

(7) Detect and measure how much social poisons are influencing your childs perception of the future.

(8) Provide a social compass of character.

(9) Provide social support.

(10) Learn from other cultures. The book has a marvelous example of how Buddhists carefully extracted earthworms before building a new structure so that they would not be harmed.

Perhaps the most brilliant part of the book is the section on how to deal with an impossible child. You are cautioned not to create an impossible child out of a manipulative one by giving in to manipulative anger.

I was fascinated by the sections in the book where polls showed that almost all teenagers thought that they could prepare an arsenal to hold a massacre at school without their parents knowing, and that 60 percent of male and 30 percent of female teenagers have had specific fantasies about killing someone by the time they are 19.

As parents, we have to deal with the dangers that are children face, either from their neighborhoods or from abusive people. The book is filled with frightening examples of youngsters being stalked or abused for months before either the child, the childs friends, or the school let the parents know. When these real risks are not handled, the risk of depression is very high. The risk of violence grows too, as the child comes to feel that their own life may be at risk.

The book goes on to help you use empathy in intelligent ways when the child has a difficult temperament, be a good role model, reduce the emphasis on materialism in your family, and limit access to the violent sides of television, video games, and the Internet.

The end of the book contains a fine list of resources you can draw upon to help you.

No one can inoculate us from more episodes of school violence, but following the advice in this book can help us deal with troubled teenagers with more understanding and compassion. Thats the least we can do.

Support those you love in as many ways as you can!

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Go-To Mom Gives "Parents Under Siege" a 5 Gold Stars, November 16, 2008

By 

Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT "The Go-To Mom" (California) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Parents Under Siege: Why You Are the Solution, Not the Problem, in Your Child's Life (Hardcover)

My biggest question is why is this book not a best seller? If there is any information out there that parents need most, this is it. Garbarino and Bedard are amazing and eloquent writers, considering how tough it is to write indepth and researched data, they sure did a lovely job. I was highly impressed by reading the preface. Powerful, meaningful and jolt to the soul. As a mother of two boys and as a licensed child therapist, I hold this book out to be one of the best educational pieces with regards to how we save and support the positive social climate that all children deserve.


Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT
Licensed Child Therapist
[..]
Author: Mommy Confidence: 8 Easy Steps to Reclaiming Balance, Motivation, and Your Inner Diva

23 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Good, But Blinded By Political Correctness, September 8, 2001

By 

Helen Smith "drhelen" (Knoxville, TN USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Parents Under Siege: Why You Are the Solution, Not the Problem, in Your Child's Life (Hardcover)

James Garbarino is one of the leading experts in this area, and he has written a book that is in many ways very useful. Unfortunately, his embrace of politically correct formulas limits both the usefulness and the appeal of this book.
For example, Garbarino suggests that parents show their "strength" by getting their children involved in lobbying efforts on behalf of gun control. This recommendation is unlikely to go over well with the more-than-half of all American households who own guns, and don't appreciate Garbarino's labelling them as aberrant. Many Americans are also unlikely to feel that abandoning the means of protecting their families constitutes a persuasive demonstration of "strength." Garbarino's position on guns flies in the face of a great deal of research, by scholars such as John Lott of Yale and Gary Kleck of Florida State, but he does not even attempt to engage that research, much less refute it.
Similarly, Garbarino apears to have taken Warren Farrell's sardonic advice to authors (pander to women at all costs) thoroughly to heart. He repeatedly gives mothers all possible benefit of the doubt, while coming down hard on fathers. Garbarino also fails to pay sufficient attention to the role that public schools' pathologies play in causing problems among children.
Having said that, this is a useful book with many important insights. What is unfortunate is that Garbarino's embrace of PC culture-war slogans will alienate many people who might benefit from other parts of his work.