270 of 275 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
The menace of the herd, November 11, 2003
As a dyed-in-the-wool (and unrepentant) introvert, I wished, at first, that Anneli Rufus hadn't chosen the word "loner" for her title, linked as it is with inevitable prefix "crazed" in so many news stories of murderers on the loose. But that's exactly her point: Rufus is determined to rescue the word -- and more importantly, the reputation of the people the word accurately describes -- from the misinterpretations and calumnies heaped upon it, and us, for so long.
It's an uphill fight, but it's definitely worth the effort. This book isn't one of the many attempts to offer introverts "coping skills" or networking tips for surviving with our sanity in an extroverted world. Instead, it's more of a call to extroverts out there to understand whom you're dealing with ... or more correctly, whom they're not dealing with ... and what we're all about.
To do this, Rufus covers a wide range of history and popular culture, showing how introverts have carved out places for themselves and learned to live with at least some degree of peace, despite the constant tug of "caring" people crying, "Come out of your shell and live a little!" It may seem paradoxical for a loner to tell other loners "We're not alone," but in this instance, it's a surprisingly comforting message.
Rufus's chapter on crime may be the most important, and the one with the widest implications outside the introvert community (so to speak), because it's here that she tackles the myth of the murderous loner and attempts to salvage the word from those who, she argues, misuse it so terribly.
Loners, she says, are people who *want* to be alone. Who enjoy their solitude. But many of the criminals who have been tagged as "loners" don't fit that description at all. Many of them have been marginalized from society, and want to strike back at it. They want to impress others, and be accepted by those whose approval they crave. Or, like Mark David Chapman, the "pseudoloner" who killed John Lennon, they simply crave attention. There's no such thing as an "attention-seeking loner."
There are other criminals, she argues, for whom the "loner" label doesn't even remotely fit, and she roundly criticizes the police profilers and news reporters who use the term so sloppily. Timothy McVeigh, the Oklahoma City bomber, for example, wasn't a loner at all, though he's often described that way. Neither were the Columbine High School shooters, or Ted Bundy, or John Wayne Gacy, though all of them have been called "loners."
Her point is an important one, if one many may dismiss as mere semantics. And it ties into her other important chapter, on raising loner children. If parents believe -- as many apparently do -- that any child who prefers to play by himself is liable to grow up to become a mass murderer, and therefore needs to be "cured," or "trained" out, of his introvert personality, life for that child is simply going to be hell. Though my situation growing up was hardly as extreme as some of the stories told here, I nevertheless sympathized completely with children made to act more extroverted than was comfortable for them. Loner children recognize they're different, Rufus writes, but don't know why, or what about them needs defending. If their parents are convinced there's something "wrong" with the introverted child, and try to "fix" it, they will create wounds that may never close.
This book struck close to home for me, and I really enjoyed it. I'm comfortable enough in my introversion ... my "lonerism" ... not to need a defense for it. But I'm glad this book exists -- not just for my loner brothers and sisters, but for the great mass of extroverts who can't understand why we're so "shy," and why we seem to enjoy -- how sick! -- our time alone. In a world which seems convinced, as the author puts it, that the only things worth doing are things done with other people, her proud declaration that we're perfectly well adjusted, "just not to their frequency," is a deeply welcome one.
Loners of the World, don't unite! There's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone!
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
125 of 129 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Read it Alone and Rejoice!, June 1, 2004
Finally an answer to a loner's prayers! We are not as strange as the world wants to make us out to be afterall.
Anneli Rufus has done a magnificent job telling about life from a loner's perspective and making it all sound capable and NORMAL. She writes chapters on the loner in community, popular culture, films, advertising, friendships, love & sex, technology, art, literature, religion, sanity, crime, eccentricity, clothes, environment, solo adventures and at last childhood. The words are a true manifesto for a loner's hungry soul, finally another person who understands.
In a world where loners are thought to be strange, crazy serial killers who cannot conform to society, Rufus encourages the idea that most loners in truth are the great creators and contemplators of the world. Issac Newton, Michaelangelo, writers, artists and philosophers become necessary human beings within all of their secretiveness. Instead of being arrogant attention getting hounds most loners create from the heart and give without a need for recognition, the truly unselfish can be found only in those selfish enough to enjoy being alone.
I would have loved to have given this book to a teacher who I had as a child. I remember sitting in a room with my parents while they were told by the "teacher" that she felt I was somehow autistic and withdrawn and might need "special" education. Despite my A's, my ability to pay attention and my athletic ability I was labeled and marked as a failure in her eyes. I wonder how many children today are pegged as something they are not and guided in a wrong direction. It took me 40 years to figure out how unique and completely normal I really am but I would hope after reading this book many others could celebrate the adventure alot sooner. A must read for those of you with quiet, withdrawn children who would rather day dream than stand around with all the other cattle.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
69 of 72 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Reaction from a "Loner", January 4, 2006
Reading through the other reviews, it seems that the low-scores are given by people who personally disagree with the author's stance (rather than how well the book was written and the information was presented).
If you are an extrovert, if you think of loners as nerdy (I assure you we aren't), or if you just don't like books that enlighten a different facet of humanity, then I'm not sure you're going to "get anything" from reading this book.
If you are a loner (or think you might be, or aren't really sure), then this book is helpful. I found the author's writing agreeing closely with what I've felt all of my life but never discussed with others (loners rarely get together to discuss such things). It was reassuring to know that others out there think, feel, and have the same preferences as I do.
However, Rufus unfairly misrepresents the general public's attitudes about loners. The fact is, in my (adult) experiences, the vast majority of people are impartial to loners. I don't get the notion that most people hate, crucify, belittle, disrespect, or rebuke loners. In fact, I receive as much (or likely more) respect from friends, family, and coworkers because I am somewhat of a loner. I believe true loners are well-adjusted, quietly confident people who have excellent social skills balanced with the ability to find meaning to life during time spent alone. The author seems to be screaming at the world "Look at me! I'm alone and I'm happy and you'd better respect me for it!" Wrong approach.
That having been said, the book is still worth reading for those folks who consider themselves loners. There's enough information in the book to make it worthwhile, and the language and writing skills of the author make it very readable. However, you'll have to "filter" out the author's bile from what appears to be a hint of paranoia.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you? Yes
No
