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Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence [Hardcover]

Gail Sheehy
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (67 customer reviews)

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Book Description

May 4, 2010

“One of those rare books that can drastically lighten even the heaviest of loads.”
—Rosalynn Carter

 

“Trust me: there is no better guide to caregiving.”
 —Bill Moyers

 

Gail Sheehy, author of the groundbreaking Passages—which was a New York Times bestseller for more than three years—now brings us Passages in Caregiving. In this essential guide, the acclaimed expert on the now aging Baby Boomer generation outlines nine crucial steps for effective, successful family caregiving, turning chaos into confidence during this most crucial of life stages.

 


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Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence + When the Man You Love Is Ill: Doing Your Best for Your Partner Without Losing Yourself + Self-Care for Caregivers: A Twelve Step Approach
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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Starred Review. Like the 44 million other Americans caring for an ill or elderly person in their homes, prolific writer Sheehy looked after her late husband Clay Felker while he battled cancer for more than a decade. Having already chronicled almost every stage in baby boomer life (most notably in 1976's Passages), Sheehy offers an empathetic, well-researched guide to an unfamiliar, often scary role to which boomers are being initiated, outlining eight stages of caregiving from "Shock and Mobilization" to "The Long Good-Bye." Along with doctors and nurses, home caregivers have become the backbone of the (admittedly broken) U.S. health-care system, and an increasingly important part of a patient's decision-making team. As such, Sheehy contends, caregivers are in desperate need of knowledge and support, and this resourceful manifesto provides it, including practical steps to take, strategies for each point of care, likely obstacles for both patient and caregiver, and a lucid explanation of what's to come: "My intention is to illuminate the challenges and rewards inherent in the caregiving passage-to identify universal patterns in the chaos and give the journey a form that makes sense." Sheehy achieves her goal ably, providing a steady beacon during a time of great sadness and overwhelming responsibility.

From Booklist

Thrust into the daunting and unexpected role of caregiver when her husband, editor Clay Felker, was diagnosed with cancer, Sheehy was dismayed to find herself lost in the labyrinthine, illogical, and often contradictory world of health care. When second opinions gave way to thirds, and innumerable insurance forms were completed only to have the claims rejected, Sheehy realized she needed answers, assistance, and attitude. For a tenacious reporter like Sheehy, getting answers was second nature but finding competent help and learning how to put things into perspective weren’t as easy. Sheehy reports on her interviews with professionals in traditional and alternative medicine, registered nurses and home health aides, and diverse individuals who also found themselves overwhelmed by caring for an ailing loved one, and she distills the process into eight stages, from the shock of the first diagnosis to the delicacy of saying good-bye, bringing her inimitable, analytical approach to a situation no one wants to face. Supportive and reassuring, Sheehy provides encouraging and practical information for both patient and caregiver in one of the most comprehensive and trustworthy resources a family can ask for when facing one of life’s most disheartening challenges. --Carol Haggas

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 416 pages
  • Publisher: William Morrow; 1 edition (May 4, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0061661201
  • ISBN-13: 978-0061661204
  • Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.4 x 1.4 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (67 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #387,143 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Gail Sheehy is the world-renowned author of fifteen books, including Passages, which remained on the New York Times bestseller list for more than three years and has been reprinted in twenty-eight languages.

As a literary journalist, Sheehy was one of the original contributors to New York magazine. A contributing editor to Vanity Fair since 1984, she won the Washington Journalism Review Award for Best Magazine Writer in America for her in-depth character portraits of national and world leaders, including both President Bushes, Bill and Hillary Clinton, former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich, former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher, former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, and Mikhail Gorbachev. Sheehy is a seven-time recipient of the New York Newswomen's Club Front Page Award for distinguished journalism. She currently resides in New York City.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
87 of 87 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Disappointed, Discouraged, Depressed October 1, 2010
Format:Hardcover
Review of Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence by Gail Sheehy

Gail Sheehy is a writer who became well-known with her books Passages and Hillary's Choice, a biography of Hillary Clinton. Sheehy built her career as a literary journalist.

In Passages in Caregiving, Sheehy uses her journalistic style to report on eight stages of caregiving, which she calls "Turnings." The stages range from "shock and mobilization" to "the long goodbye." Sheehy offers strategies for solving the problems associated with each turning.

Throughout the book, Sheehy offers a memoir about caring for her ailing husband for seventeen years. He'd been a foremost pioneer in the editing and magazine industry, as well as a professor. She takes the reader on their journey in personal narrative. There is no guidebook for such an individual path, so Sheehy shows the reader how she literally took one day at a time. She says she attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for support and stability.

Sheehy also includes the narratives of others who are caregiving. These stories were obtained when Sheehy had the opportunity to interview them at crucial turning points. Additionally, there is an extensive index for ease of reference to any topic, ranging from objective needs (finding a hospice) to subjective feelings (such as guilt). Resources are included in the book, but some of them are not available to the typical American caregiver. For example, Sheehy suggests hiring a research guide to navigate the internet for you, summarize the findings, and report the results to you.

In his late seventies, my stepfather is the primary caregiver for my mother, who has terminal cancer and Alzheimer's. Their story is one millions making due within the confines of Social Security and Medicare.

Herein lies my inability to relate to Gail Sheehy's journey. Yes, she writes about universal emotions like anger, anxiety, and enduring love. However, I was rankled by her assumption that there is financial equality when coping with challenges. For example, she flew her husband to France to luxuriate in Monet's gardens (Dad will be fortunate to purchase a calendar of Monet's images for Mom). Sheehy went on a daylong retreat for caregivers to walk a labyrinth. (Thanks to state-aid respite, Dad gets Monday mornings off to get groceries). When Sheehy's husband Clay decides he wants to work, they buy another house in Berkley. (Dad will be lucky not to lose his one house due to medical bills). I felt as though Sheehy's inclusion of the minimal resources for low-income citizens was perfunctory and patronizing.

Sheehy says, "To avoid high cost, low competence, and maddening bureaucracy, many care seekers find home aides through word of mouth, commonly referred to the `gray market.' . . . "The going rate for gray-market health aides is $20/hour plus overtime." Who can afford that?

Another area of disconnect was in Gail Sheehy's presumption that families can overcome their conflicts to come together for caregiving. That leaves out families with felons who cannot face each other, or where it would be deleterious to do so. Her position is overly optimistic (or mine is too pessimistic).

As always, Gail Sheehy's writing is topnotch. How can a reader find fault with this award winning author who adeptly wove the narrative style with journalism? I appreciate the choices she made to be a responsible caregiver, and the generosity of her sharing. Passages in Caregiving will be on my shelf for reference on some challenges that apply to both the haves and the have-nots.
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52 of 53 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars A Disjointed Book July 2, 2010
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)
Gail Sheehy's "Passages" is really three different books. One part of the book is a memoir of her experience caring for her husband Clay Felker during his long physical decline. As another reviewer Sheila wrote, "Passages is written by someone with the money and resources to do whatever needs to be done." Sheehy's personal narrative is set in delicate italic type and is the story of how she used the privilege and celebrity of both her and her husband to get him decent care. They had access to famous doctors eager to be associated with them, along with hypnotists, nutritionists, acupuncturists, personal yoga instructors, psychotherapists and a full time housekeeper. When things got too stressful for her, Sheehy would go to a spa for rejuvenation. Sheehy is telling the truth about her own life, but she treats her privilege as a norm.

Interspersed with Sheehy's memoir, is a section set apart (at least in my review copy) called "Strategies." This part of the book uses a drab san serif font and is set into an even drabber gray box on the page. It consists of plainly written suggestions (which are easily available elsewhere) for us non-famous, non-rich, non-celebrity folks, like taking up gardening or an old hobby to reduce stress (no spa time for us!). The third part of the book consists of case histories, where Sheehy dutifully went around the country and interviewed couples and families who care for for ill and aging relatives. Again, it's the kind of information that's available elsewhere and the writing feels like Sheehy wasn't particularly engaged with her subjects. I haven't read any of Sheehy's other books which may have the same format, but I found this book oddly organized. The abrupt change of tone between Sheehy's description of her own experience and rest of the book makes it editorially jarring.
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34 of 34 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)
everyone's experience will be different in so many respects.

I've been a caregiver for my wife for over 30 years, and many of Sheehy's suggestions and resources were helpful (or would have been helpful) to both of us over the years. And, it's always interesting to learn about other people's experiences -- sometimes they are extraordinarily helpful.

One example: about 27 years ago I saw a public television documentary about a young couple with a small child, the husband with an incurable form of cancer and with a life expectancy in months. The young wife was poorly educated but very articulate: she worried about how well she was able to care for her husband, whether she was caring for her child properly, what she would do once her husband was gone to care for herself and her child.

On the purely human level, she confessed that she wished her husband were dead -- her life and her child's life would be much better, and neither of them were able to do anyting really important for their husband and father. A few moments later she was very angry at herself for her betrayal of her husband, and guilty, wondering if she was an evil person in the sight of God. The human agony she expressed was heart breaking -- and instructive for me.

Many times over the past several years I've worried whether I've done all I could, or as well as I could, to help my wife. Every time, though, that I started to feel guilty about those failures, I remembered that young woman and the extra self induced agony she was adding to her own life. She's inspired me many times to simply acknowledge that I could have done something better ... inspired me to resolve to do better in the future ... and simply prevent myself from feeling the guilt attendant to my failings.

Sheehy's honesty portrayal of her own experiences, and her excellent researches on how and why people react in different ways in a caregiving experience can provide the same help to others in her (and my) situation.

At the same time, it is worth mentioning that Sheehy approaches caregiving from the perspective of a wife caring for a husband. Experience shows that husbands are generally less able to handle the responsibilities. A recent study (citation in the first Comment) showed that women with serious diseases were seven times as likely to be divorced as men with the same condition. The study was the subject of an intense discussion on the Well column on "The New York Times" website, with a great deal of male bashing in evidence -- "how pathetic is that?", "men are evil", "Let's face it: women are superior creatures - caring, sympathetic, giving, self-sacrificing. Men are selfish pigs." etc. etc.

It's unclear to me whether men are less able to cope with the challenges or whether the challenges are actually harder for men than for women (in my case, for example, I clearly lack a nurturing personality).

It may be instructive that Sheehy does not address the changes in sexual roles as the result of a major illness, not only loss of the great intimacies, but small intimacies -- the touch of a hand once meant "I love you" may now mean "I'm falling!" -- or nothing at all. A friend once described his sense of great loss: "I reached over to her one night, and there was no one there." I'm a little surprised that an author comfortable writing Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life didn't at least allude to this loss and suggest resources for dealing with the issue.

Perhaps mine is a masculine perspective, after all, and at the end of the day men as well as women need help in this challenging role, and perhaps men more than women. Sheehy's book is a great resource for anyone facing the challenges.

Robert C. Ross 2010
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Helpful Guide
Passages in Caregiving is a well-stocked practical guide as well as a thoughtful philosophical guide for caregivers. Read more
Published 29 days ago by Patty01
5.0 out of 5 stars caregivers don't miss this one
Excellent work and resource from one who has lived it. I bought one for a friend also a caregiver person
Published 2 months ago by Genie L. Wessel
5.0 out of 5 stars Lots of info and well written
Not only does this book provide a lot of good information and resources, but there is also a back story to it all that makes it very readable.
Published 2 months ago by Twinkle Toes
5.0 out of 5 stars Everyone is a caregiver at some point.
As we age, our bodies will change. Sometimes its physical, sometimes mental. This can happen at any time too...one need not be old to have some debilitating thing occur. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Michael P. McCabe
5.0 out of 5 stars review
Ms. Sheehy's wonderful, concise book is a must for anyone taking care of a spouse, aging parent, or anyone else! Read more
Published 3 months ago by Karen
3.0 out of 5 stars Caregiving Advice
I found it to be very subjective. Really only told the ways other wives have coped with their spouses illness.
Published 4 months ago by Mothersuperior
5.0 out of 5 stars Passages in Caregiving by Gail Sheehy
I was in a bookstore when Gail Sheehy was reviewing her book and the audience each received a free copy. I read it and realized how important this book was. Read more
Published 4 months ago by mac's back
5.0 out of 5 stars Have bought copies for my family members.
My family is looking after my 99 year old mother and we had had some of the difficulties mentioned in the book. Read more
Published 5 months ago by Cecile C. Farmer
5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent reference book for Caregivers.
This is a wonderful book about giving care to terminally ill people inter laced with Gale's personal 17 year experience caring for her husband. Read more
Published 6 months ago by J. Hankins
5.0 out of 5 stars Passages
I am enjoying this. I have always loved Gail Sheehy, since the days of Passages. As always, service was excellent.
Published 7 months ago by Gail
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