The Passion Paradox: Patterns of Love and Power in Intimate Relationships [Hardcover]

Dean C. Delis (Author), Cassandra Phillips (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: July 1, 1990

Who Gets Caught in the Passion Trap?

It's the catch-22 or romantic relationships: The more deeply one partner falls in love, the more distant the other becomes. This is the passion trap, an emotional dynamic that results in increasing desire and desperation in the "one-down" lover, and dissatisfaction, often mingled with guilt and withdrawal, in the "one-up."

Now, Dr. Dean Delis, a renowned psychologist who believes the passion trap is both common and curable, shows you how to change the patterns that threaten your relationship. Drawing from his counseling work with individuals and couples, he offers fresh insights and powerful, proven techniques—from Trial Closeness to Healthy Distance—to help you and your partner rekindle romance and discover a new equilibrium of love and desire for a lifetime of happiness.

--This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

THE PASSION TRAP is among the best books I've ever read--technical or popular--on relationships. It is extraordinarily insightful … practical and full of suggestions people can use to improve their relationships…. I am recommending it to everyone I know who is interested in this area.

--Robert J. Sternberg. Ph.D., IBM Professor of Psychology and Education, Yale University; President, American Psychological Association; editor of THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LOVE

I had planned to skim through THE PASSION TRAP, but ended up reading every page and taking notes. It captures the essence of today's complicated relationships. Not to be missed!

--Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz, M.A., M.F.C.C., author of THE SUPERWOMAN SYNDROME

It is impossible to have been in love and not find yourself in this book.

--Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of WHY MEN ARE THE WAY THEY ARE --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

About the Author

Dr. Dean C. Delis is a clinical psychologist, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego, School of Medicine, and a staff psychologist at the San Diego V.A. Medical Center. He has more than 100 professional publications and has served on the editorial boards of several scientific journals. He is a diplomate of the American Board of Professional Psychology and American Board of Clinical Neuropsychology. Raised on his family's farm in the central valley of California, he lives near San Diego with his wife, Meg, and three boys, Patrick, Drew and Miles.

Cassandra Phillips' background includes literary criticism, newspaper reporting, and film industry script development. Currently she lives in Hawaii, pursues free-lance writing, and works with her husband Bob Burkey in their commercial orchid nursery. They have two children, Billy and Keely. --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 310 pages
• Publisher: Bantam (July 1, 1990)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 055305788X
• ISBN-13: 978-0553057881
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.4 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (22 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #792,650 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

19 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A million times better than "Relationship Rescue", June 29, 2001

By 

Traveler (New England) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: The Passion Paradox: Patterns of Love and Power in Intimate Relationships (Hardcover)

I just came across this book by accident at a thrift shop. It's unebelievable that it's out of print! This book, in very simple terms, offers an explanation for just about every romantic trouble -- the imbalance between partners. I looked at "Relationship Rescue," yet another new psychobabble book on the block and there's no comparison. Where McGraw gives you "men are this way, women are that way, deal with it," Delis offers real insights on what and how power imbalances occur and even points out that those in gender stereotyped relationships are actually prone to more problems! I'm divorced and have had my share of breakups -- this book nails every single one of my previous relationships. As one previous reviewer wrote, this should be mandatory reading in high school.

Bring this book back into print!

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I would give this book TEN stars if I could!, December 6, 2006

By 

B. A. Scott (Boyce VA, USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going? (Paperback)

As a Relationship Coach, I suggest that all my clients purchase this book and keep reading it over and over until it truly sinks in. Whether you are happily married, in a troubled relationship, or single looking for a mate, reading this book is a MUST! I agree with another customer's review that you can throw away the rest of the relationship books in your library and keep this one close at hand. The Passion Trap is the genesis, IMO, where all relationships start failing. Other books (and I've read many) on relationships may hone in on this or that issue and offer advice for remedies, but this book starts at the bedrock level of troubled relationships.

It is almost spooky how this dynamic works in all relationships. One of the partners is always more invested than the other which keeps the relationship out of balance . . . one wanting more, one wanting to run.

Read The Passion Trap, and begin to recognize how this dynamic is working in your relationship . . . before it's too late. :)

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant book, March 12, 2006

By 

Night Owl (Boston, Mass.) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going? (Paperback)

In my library, I have about 400 books on psychology of relationships. I didn't expect this book to add much more to what I already had, or knew. Was I wrong!

This book is the best analysis of the self-defeating dynamics that destroy love relationships -- and delivered in such an accessible, well-written mannner that one cannot put it down. I stayed up two nights in a row reading it until 4 a.m., and wished I didn't have to go to sleep at all.

How I wish I came across this book a long time ago. As earlier reviewers stated, this should be required reading in high school (though this book is for all ages) -- it would save people so much heart-ache, depression, and divorces, if they understood ahead of time what undermines relationships between love partners.

The book is at its best when it descibes power imbalances that occur between people; it gets a little weaker later on when the authour tries to categorize people by giving them labels (e,g, "Loner", "Punisher", etc.) Real life can be a little more complicated than that (i.e., some people combine many characteristics, and are too complex to fit in just one category). But that didn't diminish my total admiration for this book.

I may get rid of some of my other books in the future to make room for new ones, but the Passion Trap will stay with me forever. I will be sharing it with my grandchildren if I have any...