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5 Paths to the Love of Your Life: Defining Your Dating Style

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I believe it was in a Tom Clancy book I read many, many years ago where I found a statement that daughters are given by God to punish men for what they did, said and thought when they were young men. Obviously I know that is purely the imagined theology of a writer, yet I do think that having a daughter causes a man to take a look deep within himself. Every man instinctively feels the need to protect his daughters. For some reason men do not feel as deep a desire to protect their sons. Just yesterday I received a Christmas Newsletter from a family friend. He wrote about a young man who has shown interest in his daughter and will soon be coming to spend time with the family. "[He] is quite a gentleman but just in case, when he comes I intend to be cleaning my .45-caliber pistol. I also told him that if he ever touches my daughter I have no problem at all with going back to prison."

Sure he is writing tongue-in-cheek but there is a definite truth behind the humor: men desire to protect their daughters and are probably far more protective of the purity of their daughters than they were of women with whom they related in their younger days.

As with all parents, Aileen and I have sometimes paused to think about our daughter's future. We truly hope that in due time she meets a godly young man who will treat her like the princess she is. When we consider her future we simply cannot picture her, at age sixteen, heading off for an evening out with a young gentleman caller and just expecting him to bring her back sometime long after we have gone to bed. How could I let her out of my sight with a guy who, well, may just have motives for her that are consistent with the motives of most young men? At the same time, I don't feel that every good dad involves the parents!

And so, when I gaze into the future, I wonder how my children will begin a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. In Christian circles there is no end of controversy about the best way of doing this. While most believers agree on the necessity of maintaining sexual purity and of every young person submitting his or her life to the Lord, opinions differ on whether kids should date, court or even be betrothed. 5 Paths To The Love Of Your Life, edited by Alex Chediak, addresses five of these philosophies. Five authors contribute a chapter outlining what they feel is a biblical method of finding a potential spouse.

Chapter 1 - The Countercultural Path: Lauren Winner begins by tracing the evolution of dating and relationships in American culture. She shows how dating changed from being centered around the woman's home and family to heading outside the home to theatres and restaurants. In this transition the "power" in relationships passed from the woman to the man. In modern times dating has returned to the home in the form of casual sexual encounters. She proposes that Christians adopt a countercultural path which emphasizes chastity, love and marriage. She emphasizes the importance of community in relationships. She feels that dating should be done with a view to marriage but that breaking up is not necessarily improper.

Chapter 2 - The Courtship Path: Douglas Wilson, in a very funny essay, proposes that courtship is the most biblical solution. He stresses the importance of parental responsibility and guidance and defines courtship as "the active, involved authority of the young woman's father (or head of the household) in the formation of her romantic attachments leading to marriage." When parents are unavailable or unsuited for the task, the couple should appeal to the church authorities for guidance. During the early stages of a relationship there should be no physical contact and contact after engagement should be limited to minor physical contact. Wilson emphasizes the importance of a lifelong committment of a father to his daughter so that he has credibility in her eyes when he has to make difficult decisions regarding her potential marriage partner. He distances his model from the type espoused by fathers who are overbearing and care more for rules and control than for the well-being of their daughters. It seemed to me that this view presents courtship at its best and at its least-offensive.

Chapter 3 - The Guided Path: Rick Holland suggests a guided path in which couples are guided by ten principles of a God-centered relationship. He feels that young couples should be guided by their parents and ultimately by the Scriptures as they seek to honor God in their relationships. The principles he lays out are more important than the methodology a couple adopts. While this allows either courtship or dating, he is sure to emphasize that casual dating is not acceptable, and neither is dating done before a couple is old enough to actually think about marriage.

Chapter 4 - The Betrothal Path: - Jonathan Lindvall proposes what is easily the least-familiar path. Betrothal, he feels, is a biblical mandate given by God and mirrored in Christ's relationship to the church. He feels that an irrevocable covenant union must be established that defines the process between singleness and marriage. I found that his method relies quite heavily on the leading, guiding and confirming of the Lord wherein we have to ask direction from the Lord and so on. Most people will immediately reject his proposal and perhaps for good reason as I am not sure he proves that the betrothal's of biblical times were more than a cultural mandate. Having said that, it does provide some valuable fruit for thought.

Chapter 5 - The Purposeful Path: - Jeramy and Jerusha Clark argue for a purposeful path which is far less-structured than any of the others. They refer often to other books they have written on this subject and propose that young couples ensure that, while they are not turning down opportunities to enjoy the company of the opposite sex, they are also not engaging in practices that Scripture forbids. As with the other authors, they emphasize the important of parental involvement and support.

Having read these five approaches I feel that my preference for my children would lie somewhere in the first three chapters. I am already seeking to build a strong, vibrant relationship with my children so that I will have some measure of credibility in their eyes if and when I am forced to make difficult decisions on their behalf. I don't know that there is a "one size fits all" approach to relationships that will work with every couple and I am open to allowing and even encouraging flexibility in how they engage in romantic relationships.

I was surprised to discover how much I enjoyed reading this book. It is too late for me to apply the collective wisdom in this book to my own life, but I trust it will give me much material for reflection as my children get to the age where they begin to believe the opposite sex to be something a little less than yucky. Just the other day my daughter confided in me that she would like to get married some day, but doesn't feel she can because she would have to kiss a boy on the lips. I know that, before too long, she will have a change of heart.

I recommend this book to parents and young people alike and trust that it will benefit all who read it.

This book is a great way to learn quickly about 5 different approaches to relationships, ranging from betrothal to courtship to dating. The authors write well, and the range of styles makes it a fun read.

The book raises important issues: guy/girl friendships, emotional vs. physical intimacy, guarding your heart, how to view singleness, what to look for in a potential spouse, physical attraction, parental involvement, etc. When I finished I didn't have a clear sense which path I want to follow, but I felt that I got a lot of solid, Biblical teaching about how to think about marriage and relationships.

I appreciated the way Chediak asked each author to address three different scenarios: teenagers in youth group, college students, and a single 30-something woman. I'm a college student myself, but hearing the authors' advice to other age groups made me think more about parental involvement and long-term singleness.

All in all, a great read!

Good dating books are hard to find. But in a domain that's often narrow-minded, Chediak and company have teamed up to strike a beautiful balance, uncompromisingly affirming clear biblical truths and yet leaving healthy, open-minded wiggle room for wisely selecting your path for your own unique context and particulars. This book shows that there's not only ONE WAY to do the dating thing. There are five ways - indeed, five's just the beginning - there are perhaps as many valid ways as there are single Christians looking to get married! Don't try to fit somebody else's mold or put yourself in somebody else's story. Write your own story. Blaze your own trail. Be biblically-informed and hear from five different voices, and then live in light of truth and follow the Spirit's leading. This book helps get you going. Of special note: Chediak's intro and conclusion are superb - worth the price of the book.

General editor Alex Chediak has compiled a thorough and exceptionally thoughtful collection of essays on the hot and ever-debated topic of dating within a profoundly Christian framework. Chediak, who has been involved in lay ministry with singles and has delivered pastoral messages on the topics of singleness, romance and biblical wisdom, has brought together a weighty group of Christian authors and writers who all offer somewhat similar (because each are based on Christian principles) yet simultaneously diverse opinions on the hows and how-not-tos of dating.

Lauren Winner opens the text with her treatise on dating according to the "counter-cultural path," which suggests that dating can be healthy if certain guidelines are imposed and carried out. Winner believes that Christians must date "against the grain of American standards," meaning each relationship should confine itself within a context of community, chastity and love, with an orientation toward marriage.

Author and editor Douglas Wilson, who purports that guidelines and methods can only be so effective and that a principle of courtship fills the bill, presents the "courtship path." Under this system, the head of the household will hold authority over a couple's relationship. Couples following this course are seriously committed to pursuing marriage, yet a breakup is acceptable under special circumstances, though this is not the norm within the general courtship model.

Pastor and college instructor Rick Holland presents the third dating pattern, the "guided path," most notable for its ten principles that he believes helps set a standard for discovering a life partner. Holland includes such insightful guidelines as understanding the necessity of developing godly character, seeking confirmation from parents, friends and church, living a life of current contentment, having common ground and being companionable, while effective communication and chastity also play a key part in biblical dating according to Holland's method.

Perhaps the most challenging to understand and relate to in modern society is Jonathan Lindvall's "betrothal path." Lindvall, president of Bold Christian Living, believes that dating defrauds the other person by potentially offering either emotional or physical intimacy that cannot rightfully be given prior to marriage. When adhering to the betrothal mode, couples are essentially engaged at the very onset of their relationship and breaking up is never acceptable. As with the courtship model, the father of the woman holds authority over the entire relational proceeding.

Married authors and speakers Jeramy and Jerusha Clark discuss the "purposeful path," which asserts that dating doesn't necessarily have to be serious; it can be fun yet needs to be taken seriously. The Clarks believe that dating in and of itself can encourage character refinement and help prepare couples for marriage if done both responsibly and purposefully.

Each of these models includes key definitions and distinctives, personal reasons for the authors believing as they do, scriptural and spiritual principles, benefits/weaknesses, an overview, and several real-life scenarios that aid readers in seeing how the model looks and is worked out in life.

Readers young and old will find much to contemplate and consider with this text. Perhaps after studying each model, young men and women will piece together their own individual style for dating based on these authors' exceptional presentations.

--- Reviewed by Michele Howe

5 Paths to the Love of Your Life: Defining Your Dating Style says, "Our goal is not to proselytize you to any particular position but instead to provide the big picture: the logic behind five of the most widespread perspectives on relationships held by Christians today (some more controversial than others, depending upon your personal point of view). That way, you can make your own biblically informed decisions, being fully educated and, Lord willing, more mature and intentional about the way you approach relationships."

I cannot extol the chapter written by Lauren F. Winner enough! Readers should purchase her book Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity as a complement to Defining Your Dating Style. Winners' perspective on dating, which has been dubbed the Countercultural Path, is the viewpoint that most readers will probably find best attuned to the realities of the current dating scene without being so contemporary as to be barely Christian.

The Betrothal Path, advocated by Jonathan Lindvall, might be better termed as The Arranged Marriage Path because that is exactly what he is advocating: arranged marriage. Lindvall is in favor of a dating style that is unworkable in all but a few situations and even he seems to be a bit hazy on all of the details concerning how the Betrothal Path would work under all circumstances.

All 5 paths are clearly defined and at the end of each chapter a section is highlighted that clearly defines the "path" that was just covered, what makes the path distinctive from the others, key verses of scripture that seem to lend biblical credence to the dating style, and finally, the benefits and pitfalls that one is likely to encounter in putting the dating style into practice.

When I read the introduction to this book, I found myself wanting to read on and discover what each of the five contributors had to say. Chediak sets up the contents nicely and in an engaging way. He puts forth three scenarios that help bring the various principles and methods espoused by each contributor more sharply into focus.

I'm guessing most readers, like me, will find themselves aligning closely with one or more contributors, while finding others less convincing. I noticed that some of the user reviews were critical of what they saw to be "weaker" vs. "stronger" essays. But to me, that is the point of this book. It forces the reader to think through his opinions and presuppositions. For me, reading this book was much like being invited to facilitate a panel discussion with five people who have much experience in counseling others on this topic. I get the privilege of hearing opposing views and being able to compare and contrast them in a concise format. Chediak also helps to bring this comparison together nicely in the concluding chapter.

For the Christian reader, the book aids in some healthy examination of potentially unexamined ideas. I am forced to ask myself whether my ideas about dating, courtship, etc. are based on biblical principles or not. I found this a healthy process, and as a father of four, I think it will be a valuable resource in guiding my children through their eventual close relationships with potential spouses. I found the book a worthwhile read that lends itself easily to good discussions.

1) The book was very informative, and opened up a lot of Scripture and possibility in my mind. It really helped me get a much bigger grasp of the different terms (and I was surprised at some of the stances that people took on things!) It really challenged me to think biblically about what relationships were actually about (which is a very good thing).

2) The title/cover were... interesting. I received a lot of
interesting glances because I was reading that book, thankfully it opened up the opportunity to share a little bit about what I was reading, but it just felt weird to be reading a book about "5 paths to the love of your life" when all the authors agree that the love of our life is and should be God. =) Just a thought.

3) Your summary chapters were excellent. They distilled down a lot of the differences and agreements and differences. If your purpose was in not demonstrating a bias towards one or another, I think you accomplished that beautifully (though I think some of the authors had much more compelling arguments than others =p)

All in all, it was an excellent read. I'll be sure to share it with friends.

In a Christian dating world marked equally by "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "I Gave Dating a Chance", Chediak does an outstanding job clearly articulating the key distinctives of these and three other approaches to Christian dating. His approach is thorough, fair, illuminating, and practical: Chediak selects a noteworthy proponent of five of the most common viewpoints on how best to find the love of your life, and gives each a forum (entire chapter) to champion their views.

In those chapters, he includes definition, rationale, benefits and potential weaknesses, scriptural/spiritual implications, and helpful suggestions for putting that view into practice. He also ties the book together well by providing a personal introduction and summary, and by asking each author to provide an overview of how their approach applies to three common dating "case studies": churchgoing juniors in high school with Christian parents; Christian college students in a state university with non-Christian parents; and a 30-year old business professional active in her local church, but living across the country from her parents.

As an elder/pastor in my church and father of two teenagers (19 and 17) who are very interested in friendships with the opposite sex, I find this book very valuable in providing a framework to help them think about dating biblically. Chediak not only highlights differences among contributing authors; he also emphasizes the common ground that they share (commitment to Scripture, holiness, families) and in doing so paints a helpful picture on how differing viewpoints can serve the common good and provide a "both/and" view of life much richer and more accurate than an "either/or" approach that sees only one way to date.

I highly recommend this book!

With so many books currently on the market on dating, some might ask themselves why we need another one. Perhaps the greatest attribute of this book is that it explains and advocates five different perspectives, so reading this one will eliminate the need to read many of the others. In 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life, Alex Chediak has brought together a select group of leading thinkers to make the case for their perspectives so that the reader can decide for them self.

The Counter-Cultural Approach is the first path proposed by Lauren Winner. She calls on couples to counter the culture by shifting the focus of dating away from themselves to Christ. Community also plays an important role in this approach for feedback and accountability. Despite Winner's excellent writing style (the best in the book in my opinion) and intriguing explanation of the history of dating, I was ultimately disappointed with the position she advocated. For instance, her standard for physical intimacy in a dating relationship is basically to only go as far as you're comfortable going in public. Unfortunately this principle would lead to sin for some couples.

Douglas Wilson advocates The Courtship Approach. Fundamental to this approach is the involvement of some sort of parental figure, either the actual parents or the headship of the church. Additionally fundamental is that the courting relationship be conducted with marriage in mind. Wilson also emphasizes the headship of the male in the relationship, which, while not necessary to a courting model, does reflect the biblical order. He does make some comments about platonic relationships being impossible without adequately substantiating the claim.

The third approach is the Principled Approach by Rick Holland. Distinctive to this path is that the rules of "dating" or "courting" aren't significant. What is significant are the general principles for relationships given by the Bible, such as each individual being a Christian, each of good character, and each finding contentment in God. Holland's argument against dating and courting is that the rules for each system distract from the biblical principles. This is a fallacious argument since it presumes that the rules aren't biblical principles, which is what the advocates of each position hope to convince us of. The pertinent question is whether the rules do reflect biblical principles or not.

Jonathan Lindvall puts forward the Betothal Approach. There is not dating or courting; when a guy is interested in a girl he seeks the advice and permission of his parents first, then her parents, then asks for her hand. The betrothal period is much like engagement, except that it is a committed covenant that cannot be broken (like marriage) and no physically intimacy whatsoever is allowed. While there are some good qualities to this approach, it an incredibly faulty application of a theological analogy- that Christ is betrothed to the church. The Bible does offer certain principles about how marriage relationships should persist, such as husbands loving their wives as much as Christ loved the church, but to apply these principles to pre-marital relationships is to step outside the indications of scripture and if followed to their logical extent would result in absurdities.
The final approach is offered by Jeramy and Jerusha Clark- the Purposed Approach. Contrary to most of what the others said, the Clarks are fine with dating for couples who are not likely to pursue marriage any time soon, such as high school students. The key factors are that romantic relationships are pursued within the guidelines of holiness, trustworthiness, and the support of family and friends. Heavily discussed in this approach is dependency on the Holy Spirit, especially by way of listening for his "still small voice." Aside from this unbiblical principle, this path seems to approach romantic relationships with too much frivolity.

Alex Chediak closes the book outlining the major agreements and disagreements between the approaches. Several of the points made in this section are helpful for better understanding the big picture of the book as well as the individual paths.

My one major disappointment with the book is that the contributors don't interact with each other, which is usually a feature of books advocating multiple perspectives. I would have really liked to see how Winner would respond to Holland saying that her standard for purity is too subjective, or how Lindvall would respond to Wilson citing the theological absurdities of his position. Defending one's view under criticism is one of the best tests for correctness.

Even without interaction between the authors, the book is generally helpful for mapping out the various perspectives with their strengths and weaknesses. For those who've been brought up considering only one or two of the perspectives, this will expand their knowledge to some relatively new ones, such as betrothal. I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in deciding upon a formal approach for their romantic relationships.

I don't know exactly how to assign this book a number of stars. The book is a collection of five essays about dating and each of the essays takes a very different stand. Lauren Winner's essay is brilliant, and I think people should buy this book just so they can read it -- she manages to both set out a beautiful view of marriage and remind readers that some people are called to singleness... (I also love how she uses literature in her essay! She describes a novel by Tova Mirvis that I now want to read!) Jerusha and Jeremy Clark's essay is also sane and balanced. But several of the other essays--honestly, they seem like they were written for a very small constituency of very, very, very conservative Chrisitans who live in an air-tight Christian bubble and have no contact with the wider world. I am a Christian myself, and I am glad that all of these essays affirm the authority of Scripture. But the perspective that some of the contibutors are taking just doesn't fit with the world most of us single/dating Christians live in. Many of us cannot, for example, have our parents deeply involved in our dating lives because we live nowhere near our parents, or our parents aren't believers and really have a very different view of marriage.

So, the book does what it advertises: it offers five very different perspectives. Some of the perspetives ring true, and others do not.