Peace Between the Sheets: Healing with Sexual Relationships [Paperback]

Marnia Robinson (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 17, 2003

Peace Between the Sheets offers a simple but revolutionary analysis: modern relationships often founder because of dysfunctional sexual habits. But when couples shift away from "heat-centered" toward "heart-centered" sexual interactions, they gain a mutual satisfaction that transcends physical gratification. Robinson advocates teaching the body a different response to sexual arousal that is driven by love over biology. The benefits include reducing stress, rejuvenating the body, helping overcome addictions, and developing a positive outlook. Over two parts, "Why" and "How," the book devotes twelve chapters to topics like "Why do We Fall Out of Love?," "Outwitting Biology," "Want to Try It?," and "The Ecstatic Exchanges." Peace Between the Sheets tackles a delicate issue with sound reasoning, solid research, and a healthy dose of humor.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"I experienced one 'Aha' after another as I read Peace Between the Sheets. Marnia Robinson's book is entertaining, enlightening, and timely. The hypothesis that orgasm fosters separation fascinated me both personally and professionally. The Ecstatic Exchanges would seem to benefit most relationships, and be particularly helpful for those recovering from sexual addiction and the trauma of sexual abuse."
-A.J. Reid Finlayson, M.D., Division of Addiction Medicine, Department of Psychiatry, Vanderbilt University School of Medicine

"As a matchmaker who runs several dating agencies I only wish I could make Peace Between the Sheets compulsory reading for all people seeking a new relationship."
-Mary Balfour, author of Smart Dating

About the Author

Marnia Robinson earned her B.A. in History at Brown University and her law degree from Yale University. She practiced law for ten years, most recently as Director of Legal Services-Europe at Campbell's Soup. Currently she writes and speaks on relationships and lives in Ashland, Oregon with her husband, Gary Wilson. She invites the reader to contribute insights and experiences on her website, www.reuniting.info.

Product Details

• Paperback: 296 pages
• Publisher: Frog Books (November 17, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1583940871
• ISBN-13: 978-1583940877
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.7 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (18 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #420,652 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

As a former corporate lawyer (with degrees from Brown and Yale), Marnia Robinson never expected to find herself writing books about sex. She delved into the subject in part because she was a bride or bridesmaid in four weddings and nearly everyone who reached the altar (including Marnia) has since divorced and remarried. What was going on?

The more she learned about both ancient sacred sex traditions and the science of mating and bonding, the more she recognized the need for a cross-disciplinary perspective that also incorporates the experiences of actual lovers struggling with the tension between fiery biological urges and the desire for long-term harmonious relationships. Psychologists, neuroscientists, evolutionary biologists, anthropologists and ancient sages all have essential clues for coping with this challenge--and yet each profession alone is somewhat hampered by its codified assumptions. Marnia's work highlights key insights (both recent and long-forgotten) by weaving them together with practical suggestions. Her book has been endorsed by two psychiatrists, a UCLA biology professor and author of "Mean Genes," and others.

Her husband Gary Wilson, a neuroscience enthusiast, generously takes time from his teaching career to help her collect and analyze the material in her posts and books. He also hosts the porn recovery website www.yourbrainonporn.com. Together Gary and Marnia blog on "Psychology Today" (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow) and "The Good Men Project," among other places. Their article "The Great Porn Experiment" recently appeared in "The Evolutionary Review." They reside in Ashland, Oregon.

Watch Marnia on San Francisco's "The View from the Bay" show (http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=view_from_the_bay/sex_relationships&id=6982144). (6 mins.)

"Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" has also been published in German as "Das Gift an Amors Pfeil."

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

75 of 79 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Interesting, but some odd leaps in logic...., April 28, 2007

By 

Patrick D. Goonan "see profile for URL" (Livermore, CA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Peace Between the Sheets: Healing with Sexual Relationships (Paperback)

I rated this book a 4 because I think it has many good features and a message that a lot of people might need to hear. In reality, I think it merits a 3.5 because although the author has a good background, I found she made some leaps in logic that may not apply to everyone.

The book starts off by explaining that old evolutionary hardwired responses often undermine love relationships. So far, she is on solid ground. Most evolutionary biologists agree that we often unconsciously act on hidden mating agendas and various statistic support that many times these behaviors are not in our best interests. David Buss has written a lot about this and you can see what he has to say in the excellent book, The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating.

The author continues on to explain how certain neurochemicals associated with orgasm and the pleasure/reward part of the limbic system affect our perception of our partner, bonding and mating behavior. A lot of what the author says is true and you can get more detail on this in the book, The Female Brain or other books.

The primary premise seems to get off track, however, when the author makes the assertion that having orgasms during sex leads to dysfunctional behavior. While I think it may be true that this could be the case, I don't buy that it is ALWAYS the case or true universally.

I think the problem here is that the author makes a biological argument and then bring in some psychology to back up her argument. For example, she mentions that many people feel they will be engulfed or annhilated after orgasm and this leads to fear which causes separation. While this may be true, it is most likely to be true when there have been developmental failures along the way, the self is weak, etc. She doesn't include this part of the picture and seems to overgeneralize. I could imagine that for many people the challenge of one of these two reactions with the right support from the Self structure would lead to healthy risk and vulnerability, which would in reality increase intimacy and closeness. This argument isn't given any weight at all. I will return to this point later.

In the next part of the book, there is guidance for fostering deeper intimacy by depriving oneself of orgasm as a routine matter of course. While I agree this practice can be useful to appreciate and nurture other aspects of the relationship such as affection, intimate conversation, etc., I don't agree that this is necessary or even desirable for many people.

I am a 45 year old male and have graduate degrees in biochemistry and psychology. As an undergraduate I majored in Biological Research and I have been studying comparative religion for over 20 years. My personal experience is that regular sexual intercourse with orgasm brings me closer to my partner, makes me want to be with my partner even more and is quite bonding. In general, I don't experience the fear of merging that the author talks about or being annhilated. From my experience in personal growth coaching and from the literature on love, I think it is safe to say this is the case for many other people. This seems to be another flaw in logic. However, I do advocate if those feelings come up in a strong way, one ought to consider the level of trust vs. the level of commitment. Some of what Ms. Robinson labels as normal reactions may actually be tendencies that don't consider factors such as personal development, conditioning, the influence of culture, the presence of shame or guilt from the family of origin, etc. In short, sexual behavior is complicated, I think this book takes an overly simplistic view of the true situation.

Another argument the author makes is that compatability is not a key point in dysfunctional patterns, but rather it is all biology. I disagree with this point as well. As Sam Hamburg says in another excellent book, Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map, compatability seems to cause commitment rather than vice versa. In the same book, he points out that marriage is a PUBLIC affair, while love is often private. This often leads to third parties having a lot of input into marital decisions, which may in part account for the rate of divorce, infidelity, etc. In his many years of counseling, he has seen that people who are compatible on three dimensions which he terms practical, wavelength and chemistry DON'T find it difficult to keep their commitments and that sex is bonding. The famous book A General Theory of Love elaborates on some of the biological and psychological reasons why this may be so.

Perhaps by now you are wondering why I am rating this book a four if I have a lot of critical things to say about it. The answer is that there is so much focus on communication, sexual technique and the importance of sex in relationship literature that this book offers a good alternative viewpoint. While I don't agree with the extreme view that is presented in this book, I do agree that hidden mating agendas CAN undermine relationships and that couple's often take each other for granted. If more couples focused on affection, conversation and a heart-centered connection, I suspect we would have more happy couples. Practicing abstaining orgasm could be a useful practice along these lines, but I don't believe it is necessary or the only practice that could enhance people's appreciation for each other and ward off sexual boredom.

The emphasis in the media, magazines and in popular culture in general seems to err on the other side to me. In other words, this cultural mileau seems to promote unrealistic expectations, many of which are handed down from the period of courtly love. In other words, we are conditioned to have high expectations, magical thinking and do a lot of projection in positive and negative ways. I think this is at least as important as what is going on with neurochemicals in the brain after orgasm. However, this book is useful in that it emphasizes that focusing more on love and less on sexual release would allow one to see their partner from a loving space. I wholeheartedly agree with this in moderation, but the extreme version presented here does offset a culture bias.

This is basically a good book with a lot of excellent information. I think the author has many worthwhile observations, but I don't think this is THE answer... it is AN answer of many to a very complicated and paradoxical area. I think a broader approach would have served most people better and I feel the author relied too much on her own opinion more than ALL of the AVAILABLE data. I suspect her research in this area took place once her opinion was already established and this may have biased her results and conclusions. I think it would be useful to apply something such as Ken Wilber's Integral Model to this complex problem because I think this book just leaves out to much. You can read about Wilber's model in the very accessible A Brief History of Everything. If your interest in some of the deeper psychological issues and considerations is strong, I would also consider reading Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power as well as The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.

Again, my overall rating is a 3.5 and I found the book worthwhile to read. I believe it could help a lot of couples to be more appreciative of each other and have a better sex life. However, I would take some of the information with a grain of salt or at least balance it with other more complex perspectives that consider other aspects of the issues.

36 of 38 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Works for us, November 15, 2004

By 

Steve Green "Steve" (Michigan) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Peace Between the Sheets: Healing with Sexual Relationships (Paperback)

My wife and I have been practicing the ideas in "Peace" for two months now, and this is the closest, and most consistently-loving that we have been in 11 years of marriage. The thought of giving up orgasm altogether is unsettling, but the potential in this idea merits exploration.

I was interested to read Satyr's review. I did not see Peace Between the Sheets as a polemic against any sexual practices. Rather, the author's point is that the over-stimulation (at a brain chemistry level) of orgasm creates a desire for separation between partners of any sexual persuasion. As she points out, this wisdom has been around for thousands of years. We just never hear about it.

For me, it was interesting to contemplate, as Robinson does, whether this built-in separation trigger may be behind all forms of alienation between the sexes. It seemed to me that she was no more against masturbation or homosexuality than she was against celibacy or churning in heterosexual relationships. Her views are, in fact, quite inclusive.

I find the book very sex positive, very pro-intimacy, and refreshingly clear in defining the benefits to be gained from lasting relationships. It works for us.

21 of 21 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Creating Love, Harmony, Groundedness In Sexual Relationship, April 8, 2004

By 

William Cerf (Brooklyn, NY) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Peace Between the Sheets: Healing with Sexual Relationships (Paperback)

Reading "Peace Between The Sheets.." has had a profound impact on my outlook regarding sexual expression and intimate relationship. My life has been filled with endlessly unsatisfactory interludes interspersed with long "dry spells" when I was "not getting any. I have often "been on the prowl" looking for my next relationship.

In clear, concise language; Marnia Robinson weaves together pieces of solid neuroscience and ancient tantric knowledge to create a new path towards harmonious and loving intimacy. She explains the "how" and "why" of cupid's poisoned arrow. The culprit is the neurochemical "dopamine" which is released with the BIG O; and which also has the nasty side effect of causing emotional crashes. The cure is to create more oxytocin in the body through nurturing intimacy. This is a must read for anyone who is seriously looking for a new paradigm of relationships.

I first heard about this book when Marnia gave a talk at a local bookstore and was immediately impressed. I read the book and have begun to make deep changes in my own life.