Customer Reviews

Peace Between the Sheets: Healing with Sexual Relationships

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I rated this book a 4 because I think it has many good features and a message that a lot of people might need to hear. In reality, I think it merits a 3.5 because although the author has a good background, I found she made some leaps in logic that may not apply to everyone.

The book starts off by explaining that old evolutionary hardwired responses often undermine love relationships. So far, she is on solid ground. Most evolutionary biologists agree that we often unconsciously act on hidden mating agendas and various statistic support that many times these behaviors are not in our best interests. David Buss has written a lot about this and you can see what he has to say in the excellent book, The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating.

The author continues on to explain how certain neurochemicals associated with orgasm and the pleasure/reward part of the limbic system affect our perception of our partner, bonding and mating behavior. A lot of what the author says is true and you can get more detail on this in the book, The Female Brain or other books.

The primary premise seems to get off track, however, when the author makes the assertion that having orgasms during sex leads to dysfunctional behavior. While I think it may be true that this could be the case, I don't buy that it is ALWAYS the case or true universally.

I think the problem here is that the author makes a biological argument and then bring in some psychology to back up her argument. For example, she mentions that many people feel they will be engulfed or annhilated after orgasm and this leads to fear which causes separation. While this may be true, it is most likely to be true when there have been developmental failures along the way, the self is weak, etc. She doesn't include this part of the picture and seems to overgeneralize. I could imagine that for many people the challenge of one of these two reactions with the right support from the Self structure would lead to healthy risk and vulnerability, which would in reality increase intimacy and closeness. This argument isn't given any weight at all. I will return to this point later.

In the next part of the book, there is guidance for fostering deeper intimacy by depriving oneself of orgasm as a routine matter of course. While I agree this practice can be useful to appreciate and nurture other aspects of the relationship such as affection, intimate conversation, etc., I don't agree that this is necessary or even desirable for many people.

I am a 45 year old male and have graduate degrees in biochemistry and psychology. As an undergraduate I majored in Biological Research and I have been studying comparative religion for over 20 years. My personal experience is that regular sexual intercourse with orgasm brings me closer to my partner, makes me want to be with my partner even more and is quite bonding. In general, I don't experience the fear of merging that the author talks about or being annhilated. From my experience in personal growth coaching and from the literature on love, I think it is safe to say this is the case for many other people. This seems to be another flaw in logic. However, I do advocate if those feelings come up in a strong way, one ought to consider the level of trust vs. the level of commitment. Some of what Ms. Robinson labels as normal reactions may actually be tendencies that don't consider factors such as personal development, conditioning, the influence of culture, the presence of shame or guilt from the family of origin, etc. In short, sexual behavior is complicated, I think this book takes an overly simplistic view of the true situation.

Another argument the author makes is that compatability is not a key point in dysfunctional patterns, but rather it is all biology. I disagree with this point as well. As Sam Hamburg says in another excellent book, Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map, compatability seems to cause commitment rather than vice versa. In the same book, he points out that marriage is a PUBLIC affair, while love is often private. This often leads to third parties having a lot of input into marital decisions, which may in part account for the rate of divorce, infidelity, etc. In his many years of counseling, he has seen that people who are compatible on three dimensions which he terms practical, wavelength and chemistry DON'T find it difficult to keep their commitments and that sex is bonding. The famous book A General Theory of Love elaborates on some of the biological and psychological reasons why this may be so.

Perhaps by now you are wondering why I am rating this book a four if I have a lot of critical things to say about it. The answer is that there is so much focus on communication, sexual technique and the importance of sex in relationship literature that this book offers a good alternative viewpoint. While I don't agree with the extreme view that is presented in this book, I do agree that hidden mating agendas CAN undermine relationships and that couple's often take each other for granted. If more couples focused on affection, conversation and a heart-centered connection, I suspect we would have more happy couples. Practicing abstaining orgasm could be a useful practice along these lines, but I don't believe it is necessary or the only practice that could enhance people's appreciation for each other and ward off sexual boredom.

The emphasis in the media, magazines and in popular culture in general seems to err on the other side to me. In other words, this cultural mileau seems to promote unrealistic expectations, many of which are handed down from the period of courtly love. In other words, we are conditioned to have high expectations, magical thinking and do a lot of projection in positive and negative ways. I think this is at least as important as what is going on with neurochemicals in the brain after orgasm. However, this book is useful in that it emphasizes that focusing more on love and less on sexual release would allow one to see their partner from a loving space. I wholeheartedly agree with this in moderation, but the extreme version presented here does offset a culture bias.

This is basically a good book with a lot of excellent information. I think the author has many worthwhile observations, but I don't think this is THE answer... it is AN answer of many to a very complicated and paradoxical area. I think a broader approach would have served most people better and I feel the author relied too much on her own opinion more than ALL of the AVAILABLE data. I suspect her research in this area took place once her opinion was already established and this may have biased her results and conclusions. I think it would be useful to apply something such as Ken Wilber's Integral Model to this complex problem because I think this book just leaves out to much. You can read about Wilber's model in the very accessible A Brief History of Everything. If your interest in some of the deeper psychological issues and considerations is strong, I would also consider reading Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power as well as The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.

Again, my overall rating is a 3.5 and I found the book worthwhile to read. I believe it could help a lot of couples to be more appreciative of each other and have a better sex life. However, I would take some of the information with a grain of salt or at least balance it with other more complex perspectives that consider other aspects of the issues.

My wife and I have been practicing the ideas in "Peace" for two months now, and this is the closest, and most consistently-loving that we have been in 11 years of marriage. The thought of giving up orgasm altogether is unsettling, but the potential in this idea merits exploration.

I was interested to read Satyr's review. I did not see Peace Between the Sheets as a polemic against any sexual practices. Rather, the author's point is that the over-stimulation (at a brain chemistry level) of orgasm creates a desire for separation between partners of any sexual persuasion. As she points out, this wisdom has been around for thousands of years. We just never hear about it.

For me, it was interesting to contemplate, as Robinson does, whether this built-in separation trigger may be behind all forms of alienation between the sexes. It seemed to me that she was no more against masturbation or homosexuality than she was against celibacy or churning in heterosexual relationships. Her views are, in fact, quite inclusive.

I find the book very sex positive, very pro-intimacy, and refreshingly clear in defining the benefits to be gained from lasting relationships. It works for us.

Reading "Peace Between The Sheets.." has had a profound impact on my outlook regarding sexual expression and intimate relationship. My life has been filled with endlessly unsatisfactory interludes interspersed with long "dry spells" when I was "not getting any. I have often "been on the prowl" looking for my next relationship.

In clear, concise language; Marnia Robinson weaves together pieces of solid neuroscience and ancient tantric knowledge to create a new path towards harmonious and loving intimacy. She explains the "how" and "why" of cupid's poisoned arrow. The culprit is the neurochemical "dopamine" which is released with the BIG O; and which also has the nasty side effect of causing emotional crashes. The cure is to create more oxytocin in the body through nurturing intimacy. This is a must read for anyone who is seriously looking for a new paradigm of relationships.

I first heard about this book when Marnia gave a talk at a local bookstore and was immediately impressed. I read the book and have begun to make deep changes in my own life.

Marnia Robinson has researched the split and tension in modern relationships between men and women. Her solution-a return to the ancient ways of intimacy. Rather than devouring each other and leaving each other empty and feeling a depressing sense of lack, Robinson offers us not just theory but the how-to of healing with sexual relationships. The healing is not just
physical and mental but spiritual. The final chapter of Section I, before the how-to of the Ecstatic Exchanges in Section II, describes a Divine connection-one which the ancient Taoists and Tibetan Buddhists have always known. You cannot be selfish and generous at the same time; you cannot be hungry and nourished at the same time. Therefore, with the sexual energy transmuted through the heart center to nourish each other, the flow of abundance in life balances with the life force and merges us not just with our partners but with the Source from whence we came.
Review first published in Innerchange Magazine by Kathryn Lanier.

A well-written, slyly humorous book that recommends an entirely unconventional approach to atrengthening intimate relationships. Although the book's suggestion to achieve sexual satisfaction by avoiding instead of pursuing orgasm is in opposition to the daily messages we receive in American culture, the author, Marnia Robinson, makes a compelling case -- via both psychological and scientific arguments -- to give it a try. The book is definitely worth a try too.

Peace Between The Sheets: Healing With Sexual Relationships by Marnia Robinson is a candid guide to improving and sustaining the quality of one's sex life. Practical advice concerning the profound and sometimes negative impact biology has on sexual and love lives; straight talk about female orgasms; practical wisdom concerning the importance of seeking balance; user friendly checklists and activities for fourteen "ecstatic exchanges" to rejuvenate oneself and one's passion; and so much more fill the pages of this practical, common-sense, informative, and strongly recommended resource.

I liked his book a lot, though a better title might be one of its chapter titles: The Ecstatic Exchanges and a subtitle perhaps: Loving your way to enlightenment.
If you sense there can be more to sexual union than O's, then this book might be for you. It describes why you might want to retain your sexual energy and how to do so, beginning in a four week program. It sounds like a wonderful way to establish a deep connection with a lover, but I can't say how it works in practice. I have spoken with several friends who have tried this sort of thing, and they swear by it.
The book avoids technical tantric techniques and instead suggests a new way of loving that is easy and natural, though very intimate.
It's time for a new way of loving, I'd say, and this book offers some wonderful suggestions about how to do that and reasons why it would be beneficial for everyone involved.

Part I of PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS poses several important & unsettling questions among which are:
Why do we fall out of love & our relationships fail?
When our "perfect" match leaves, why are we so crazy?
Why are women & men at such odds with each other?
Having gotten rid of our sexual hang-ups, why do we suffer sexual hangovers?
How can we make enduring love as well as sustainable relationships?
How can we break the spell of biology?
How can we exercise saner sex?

With scientific research, wisdom from the Ancients of the East, personal stories, & healthy doses of humor in the form of aphorisms from the trenches of the battlefield between the sexes, PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS is an accessible guide for all Readers who know there is something unhealthy, unsatisfying & unexplained in their failing sexual relationships.

Remember, 50% of all American marriages end in divorce, & no one knows the % of relationships which never make it to the ring stage.

Part II of PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS is the How of healing what has tied the best of us up in knots for most of our sexual life. Offering ancient, tried & true exercises in a joyful, stressless way.

... recommends PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS as an earnest & hopeful, intelligent & amusing adventure in re-discovering our sexuality. It then shows us how to open our hearts & re-train our bodies & minds to re-create healthy sexual relationships.

I was thrilled to discover this book! It provides a compelling neurobiological explanation for what I had already been sensing to be psychologically, emotionally and spiritually true. As certified sexologists and teachers of "Intimacy Retreats," my husband and I teach couples to explore a more peaceful approach to their sexual activity. Peace Between the Sheets helps validate our teachings.

Intimacy is definitely enhanced through the program of the "ecstatic exchanges" offered in this book.

When a couple makes love in a way that fulfills their deep-seated need for connection and authentic presence, they share a truly joyous and peaceful experience that can continue beyond the bedroom. Congratulations to Marnia for daring to look outside the box of conventional sex and shifting the focus from lust to love.

This book is easy and enjoyable to read, and a major contribution to current thinking about sex and relationships.

Marnia's book offers a unique and engaging discussion of orgasm addiction and the destructive patterns that develop from greedy sexual behevior in relationships, as well as a curriculum for partners seeking to break this cycle. This book is an excellent starting place for people seeking to develop a practice involving sexual qi gong, sexual tantra, or sexual magick. Keep in mind, however, that while Robinson's take on orgasm addiction and the damage to relationships is spot-on, her solution is markedly missing vital componants of energy cultivation and circulation that are the cornerstone of the sexual-spiritual practices mentioned above!