Customer Reviews

People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

5 star:		(37)
4 star:		(16)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

"People Skills" is a primer on interacting with others. Bolton's premise is that our communication patterns are inherently faulty and he urges the reader adopt his framework to remedy. He presents - in order - listening skills, assertion skills, conflict-resolution skills, and collaborative problem solving skills, with each building upon the others. He blends keen insight into human nature, concepts of psychology and basic Judeo-Christian values into what appears to be a very effective methodology. The skills seem obvious, but in practice are rarely used, and in fact are rather uncomfortable when trying to start using.

I found Bolton's framework very valuable and thus far see its application can profoundly improve my own people skills in both a business and parental setting. Unfortunately, like most books of this type, the text is extremely verbose. Bolton possesses a style that is much less dry and wordy than many of his peers - in fact, I find it difficult to finish most of these types of books - but the ideas plus examples could have been distilled down to one-half the length of the 300 pages. The text is also very well referenced and footnoted, but - as a lay reader - I think the constant crediting other psychologists and philosophers confuse and muddy the message. This could be a book that one could return to periodically to refresh their skills, but its length will prevent the less diligent. I found myself taking detailed notes on each chapter for later referral; while a testament to the material, I wish the author had made it easier to digest.

I have gone through the other reviews and I disagree with the criticism a few of them show. I have so far read over 30 books on people-communications skills and relationships, and I believe this is one of the best. It is unique in its approach, ethical, very easy to read and, more importantly, it works. It absolutely works. I was pleasantly surprised for the results when applying the techniques. It is one of those books you read and re-read. Interacting with others successfully is one of the most difficult, yet rewarding aspects of life. I honestly think this book, if taken seriously, can dramatically improve that interaction. I have only endorsed five books in Amazon.com (Being an avid reader, I have bought and read about 120 during the last three years), and this is one of them.

Most books give you 2-3 really good nuggets of insight, hidden in a dry prairie of "heard-it-all-before." Such is the case with People Skills. Most of the content is obvious - have a pleasant demeanor when listening, reflect what you've heard, and so on. Not very insightful.

However I did walk away with a few insights. For instance, as you're reading this review, you may be thinking "Do I agree with this reviewer?" That's the first barrier to effective communication. We all have biases, we all filter what we hear to fit our biases, and we need to learn to turn off that filter - at least momentarily - and truly listen to what others are saying, without judging it too quickly. That insight alone made this book a worthwhile read.

There are other insights, supported by interesting research, especially in the early parts of the book. Later parts of the book begin to feel cumbersome, especially the entire section on negotiating conflict, which is based on a multi-step process that can easily be capsized if the person you're confronting is uncooperative.

Overall - good book, a couple good insights, but over-long and toward the end becomes less practical.

I have more books than I can count on all of my appendages regarding communication & relationships. I use them all, but this one book has pulled it all togther for me showing me that my problem really boils down to my not being 'assertive.' I grew up in a religous family and was taught that I must always take care of others before myself...that anger was bad, etc. I now 'see' it clearly for what it is and health is now coming back to my being. I've purchased two of these books and use one to loan out to others. If I thought it would do any good, I'd get one for each member of my family, but the saying holds true, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink." Too bad.

If the skills described in the book were truly applied in life, the world would be a much better place to live! What amazes me the most, is the author's ability to convey techniques as to how to handle difficult people and manage difficult situations: no manipulations are implied; only an earnest approach to ascertain the other person's feelings in order to overcome differencies and difficulties while establishing a positive relationship.

This book should be in every high school in America. The skills discussed in this book are invaluable tools to interacting with anyone. Communication is the key to every relationship- business or personal- and this book provides concrete and understandable techniques for better listening, talking and exchanging. PEOPLE SKILLS is for anyone who is having chronic problems in relationships.

People Skills is a book that I wish I had read as a young person starting out in life. The concepts and skills that are taught in this book have made a big difference in my life, even though I did not learn the skills until later in my career. (People Skills is the basis for a wonderful workshop - Leadership Communication Skills - that I attended as a mid-career adult.) I highly recommend this excellent book to anyone who is interested in improving relationships and increasing job performance.

Bolton does a good job of teaching communication strategies. He identifies "high risk" responses -- words that put up barriers between people and lead to resentment and anger. He also discusses the art of reflective listening, reading body language, and, finally, assertiveness. He correctly states that being assertive will, on occasion, bring you into conflict with others. The book instructs you on how to deftly handle conflict and defensiveness. This is where the tough skills of listening and communicating come into play.

Bolton's writing style is steady and clear, but not especially lively. That makes the book somewhat of a chore to read, despite the good information contained therein. I would give it 5 stars for content alone, but 3 stars for presentation. Odd, in fact, that a book on communication fails to maintain an interesting tone.

From the time you are born until you reach the ultimate age, there is always some new form of communication that is used. From cooing at 2 months to blinking your eyes as an Alzheimer's patient, there is a deliverance of a speech unspoken at any age. Understanding the semantics behind verbal and non-verbal communication is a learned sentience that is observed as a universal response, whether accepted or not.

This book would be great to hand out to supervisors who think they know how to handle people but lack the skills to understand them. I believe this book is an excellent source to outlining and deepening skills to conspire the understanding of socialistic values. From grunting to expelling thoughts, there is a more constructive way to relaying thoughts or intentions. I really like how the book deals with the psychological aspects of communicating: knowing when, how, where, and what is said/done. How emotions do take the lead in situations, where the actual facts take a back seat. We are led by our emotions which do effect our productivity in relationships, work, the ability to listen, our health, our mentality, etc.

Some people may think it is a bit unrealistic to approach people the way Robert Bolton suggests; however, you have to get creative on using his techiques towards your own approach with issues. It is ideally a very informative review of learned behavior with a twist. It is not generalized or complicated to understand. Lack of communication effects many facets of our lives which can lead to different emotions that in turn lead to unhealthy minds and bodies. This would be a great book for a course study beginning in the 7th grade, where minds and bodies begin to ruminate. Remember, communication is a social behavior, not an inherited trait. It can be altered and changed.

Robert Bolton is the president of a company that teaches other business professionals how to communicate more effectively--specifically how to listen more effectively, how to be assertive, and how to do conflict management.

Bolton's communication skills stem from a basic premise: that people lead with their emotions and that facts are secondary. I think he hit the nail on the head with that hypothesis. When people are angry, sad, frustrated, happy, (you name it) and come to tell you about the event that made them feel that way, what they really want first is for you to understand the emotion. Then (and only then) can you start working on the facts.

The skills and models Bolton presents throughout the book, therefore, focus on helping the reader gain an emotinal understanding of others, then (once the other believes you understand his emotion) does Bolton give skills that deal with facts and figures.

His three main topics are reflective listening (saying back to the speaker what he just said so he knows you understand), assertiveness techniques (which lead with the emotion you're feeling), and skills to manage emotional conflicts.

In all, each of these skills is broken down and communicated effectively by the author. This reader especially appreciated the fact that Bolton broke each skill down into simple "bite-sized" formulas, encourages the reader to master the forumula, then encourages him to break away from the formula. Both the skills and the rationale are explained well.

This book present some concerns, though. Bolton readily admits that applying these skills will be awkward for both the reader and his speaking partners because people just don't tend to speak placing the focus on emotions. Second, Boltons does subscribe to an "I'm OK, You're OK" sort of worldview. While he wants his children to have a clean room and respectul appearance, he says that he never asserts himself to communicate these things because he doesn't want to impose his values on others. While I understand many subscribe to this idea, where is the line drawn? If it's immoral to express his distaste for a sloppy bedroom, is it similarly immoral to repremand an employee for a sloppy cubicle? When is it OK to have opinions and worldviews and when is it against the book's philosophy?

This book, although imperfect, is highly recommended. I've already employed some of the techniques and am seeing favorable results.