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The Perfect Sister: What Draws Us Together, What Drives Us Apart [Hardcover]

Marcia Millman (Author)
4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)


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Book Description

June 7, 2004
Sisterhood is one of the most complicated relationships anyone can have. Throughout their lives, sisters are confidantes, competitors, touchstones for shared memories, and, sometimes, each other's harshest critics. Our siblings are our first peers and often our last link to our families. But, sisters who grow up under the same roof actually experience very different families; they inhabit distinct positions, express unique talents, and elicit different responses from their parents.

Marcia Millman has spent hundreds of hours interviewing sisters to examine how these complex bonds are formed and how they keep changing throughout life, for better and for worse. Millman has discovered that adult sisters who are close are those able to fully appreciate the different realities they experienced as children. In this book there are sisters who were always close and sisters who became friends later; there are sisters who shared their childhoods but developed painful rifts as adults. But even those who are at odds often feel deeply attached - perhaps because, as Millman finds, the sister bond is inseparable from a woman's connection to her mother. Still, all of us can transform our relationships, as long as we relate to the sister in the present, and not just to the sister of the past.

Here we learn about our sisters, our families, and ourselves. And the moving stories in this book offer the key to understanding, appreciating, and enriching this lifelong, incomparable bond.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In this gentle and engaging study, social psychologist Millman explores adult sisterhood's difficulties and joys. She proposes that the words "what drives us apart" in the book's subtitle refer to "failing to see the person who is actually there," relating to an "Imagined Sister... the sister we wish for." "What draws us together" pertains to acknowledging "our Real Sister," who "might be a wonderful person or a terrible one." Millman divides her book into three sections: sisters who nurture each other, sisters who have troubled relationships and sisters who have found a way to heal their difficult relationships late in life. She interviewed women from various locations and socio-economic classes, and, when possible, several sisters from one family, revealing how sisters who grew up together may have completely different perceptions of their family. Although Millman's premise is simple, her conclusions are nuanced and unique to each family. She intimately shares her musings, her style more like a friendly conversation than a sociological study. Women trying to resolve problems with their sisters will glean insights from this study, and, as sisterly relations turn out inevitably to be entwined with mothers, fathers, brothers, aunts and grandparents, the book will also interest women who are trying to understand and come to terms with their entire families, not just sisters. Emphasizing the unique value of sisterly love, Millman warmly encourages both her subjects and readers who may have family difficulties to "make amends."
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

PRAISE FOR SUCH A PRETTY FACE

“Fascinating. Fatness in our society is not just a condition but a
metaphor. Anyone who’s ever tried to lose five pounds should read this
book.”—MARGARET ATWOOD

“An examination of the mythology of fat . . . [It] dissects the reality,
the psychology, the politics and the mythology of a massive and
weighty world. I recommend it to all those fighting real or imaginary
obesity and those curious and concerned about what ‘Being Fat in
America’is like.”—THE WASHINGTON POST



"Cultivates a deeper understanding and appreciation of the unique bond of sisterhood."
(Arkansas Democrat-Gazette )

"Combining research and readability, THE PERFECT SISTER will help countless siblings understand and improve their relationships."
(Marilyn Yalom, author of HISTORY OF THE WIFE )

Marcia Millman is one of our most talented observers of intimate life. Sisters will and should devour this book
(Pepper Schwartz, author of Everything You Know about Love and Sex is Wrong )

"Absolutely riveting and fascinating."
(Washington Post )

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt (June 7, 2004)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0151008957
  • ISBN-13: 978-0151008957
  • Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 1.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,120,196 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

4 Reviews
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4 star:
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3 star:
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Average Customer Review
4.2 out of 5 stars (4 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars The Complex Relationships of Sisters, December 11, 2007
This review is from: The Perfect Sister: What Draws Us Together, What Drives Us Apart (Hardcover)
Marcia Millman tackles a emotionally fraught bond- that of sisters. I found her approach intriguing-using oral history, interviewing the sisters separately. The wake-up call for me was seeing how differently the sisters viewed their roles, family, relationships, and even basic details of their family history. This really struck a nerve in my own sister relationship, which I value greatly but has not been without challenges. Her advice to accept your sister's history and to move on from there was valuable. There is no need to set ledgers straight; accept her right to have a different perspective. After reading so many stories, the thread came across- the sister relationship is important in how we view ourselves and our family. It's not just about jealousy and sibling rivalry-at some time it may be one of your only connections to your family, so it's important to study and pay attention to this often-dismissed relationship. Marcia Millman has let her subjects speak, and provided important insight without being overbearing.
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6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars We All Wish...., April 10, 2006
This review is from: The Perfect Sister: What Draws Us Together, What Drives Us Apart (Hardcover)
Millman doesn't believe "the perfect sister" exists, although she does describe a few who come very close. I found this book a curious mix of discussions about types of sisters (The Outsider Sister, The Wishful Sister)and lengthy biographies of families, rather than siblings. I wanted to read more about the sisters and less about the mothers and fathers who created them because, as the author admits, "sisters play a huge role in our childhood and identities."
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars The Perfect Sister - also great mothers / daughter insights, December 12, 2008
I was given this book by my sister (both of us in our fifties and "close"). It had great insights / suggestions to assure a gret relationship such as to recongize that I am NOT my sister and had very different experiences and feelings about growing up in the same family. I bought a copy for each of my aduly daughters who each have two daughters - so they could be aware of how their mothering impacts the curent and future relationship of thier girls.
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Inside This Book (learn more)
First Sentence:
NOW THAT SHE'S in her sixties and starting to think about mortality, Ellie told me she worries about who will die first, her identical twin sister, Emma, or herself: "I'd rather go together." Read the first page
Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
perfect sister, sister bond, real sister
Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
New York, United States, Coach Ryan, Guyanese Indian, North Carolina, Christmas Day, Long Island, Laura Mathis, Maureen Ryan
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