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Pleasing People: How not to be an "approval junkie"

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Are you an approval junkie? Are you a person who depends too heavily, in spirit, conscience or morale, on the approval of others? How would you even know? These are the questions Lou Priolo tackles in his book Pleasing People. This is a book I read weeks ago and, for some reason, decided not to review. Yet over the weeks I've seen the fruit of reading this book in my life and in my walk with the Lord. I've seen shadows of the desire to please people not only in my life but in the lives of others. I felt it would be best for me to share the book with others.

Priolo is the Director of the Center for Biblical Counseling at Eastwood Presbyterian Church in Montgomery, Alabama and has been a counselor and instructor for almost twenty years. As such he has had ample opportunity to see the ramifications of depending too heavily on the approval of others. He has seen the negative consequences of attempting to find meaning and purpose in the approval of other people. His experience brings value to this book.

The book is divided into two sections: Our Problem and God's Solution. In the first half Priolo takes on the difficult but loving task of attempting to convict the reader of sin by bringing to bear the testimony of Scripture. He is not unaware of the difficulty and responsibility this brings. "The though of my trying to convict you of your sin may seem like a rather severe (if not unsympathetic) approach to encourage you to change, but it is actually a very loving approach. The truth is, what we will be discussing in this book is not a sickness (or a psychological disorder) for which there is no cure; it is not a genetic predisposition that you as a Christian will be forced to live with for the rest of your life. It is simply a sin. And Jesus Christ came to do away with our sin." And this is where the gospel comes in and where we come to the second half of the book. Having shown people pleasing to be what it is, Priolo allows the Word of God to show how we can please God instead of men.

Like all books that seek to bring a person into conformity to God's requirements, there is a danger of legalism intruding, of trying to change apart from the work of Christ and the power of the Spirit. Priolo carefully guards against this and warns of its attraction. "In some places [in this book], the righteous requirement of the law is emphasized; in other places, the grace of God is clearly the predominant theme. In some places, faith apart from works is taught; elsewhere, faith is tied to one's works. When you put it all together, you understand that we are saved by faith alone, but not the kind of faith that is alone."

And so he wades into the discussion. Like I expect most readers to feel, I began reading quite convinced that, though interesting, the book had little to offer me. But I was wrong. As I began to read the descriptions of a person who depends too heavily on the approval of others, and as I began to inventory my heart through the criteria presented, I was soon pierced and began to see how this sin exists in my life. And best of all I was able to see how it can be made right through the power of the Spirit in my life. And, though it is always easier to see sin in the lives of other people, this book equipped me to see how other people I know can depend too much on the approval of others and ways I can gently reach out to them to see this sin.

Written in a very logical fashion (which reminds me a great deal of the Matthias Media books I have read), Priolo's argument and biblical remedy are easy to follow and easy to understand. He is clear in the diagnosis, clear in the scope of the problem, and clear in the remedy. He relies on the Bible to point the way and simply relates the truth of Scripture. As we would expect based on the author's source, the book is convicting to be sure, but it also brings hope. I'm glad to recommend it, especially to those who are sure it has nothing to offer them.

If you are a person who feels constant guilt for 'not returning a phone call', for overcommiting outside of your home *even at church...(when your family clearly needs you), for spending a good part of your day thinking of 'friends who are frustrated with you for dissapointing them' ......THEN THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!
Lou has written what we all need to hear!
This book is extrememly 'user friendly' and after only a chapter, I was walking through my days with a completely different outlook....and continue to.
This book sinks in and changes your perspective of who it is we strive to please everday. There is much freedom in this book and it is one that I have continued to go buy more and more copies to give out!
A message we all need to hear!!!! You will not be sorry for reading this one....a wealth of practical help!

I read this book in one sitting. For biblical counselors, this is a must-read on the topic of fear of man and people addiction!

Very good book. I found myself needing to re-read several sections to really absorb the information. I ended up journaling several pages worth of content. This book really works and is very biblical.

EXCELLENT BOOK-EXCELLENT TOPIC !! Being an approval junkie has made more messes in my life than I could ever count. Life cannot turn out right by avoiding conflict and being a people pleaser. Settling issues must take place. Weakness only leads to unhappiness. Fear leads to loss. All of these are traits of a people pleaser. This book helped me sort out the difference between a "peace lover" and a "peace maker". A "peace lover" avoids life and runs from all issues and that only compounds their life circumstances. A "peace maker" always sits down in love to solve daily problems as they arise so that mountains don't form out of those little grains of sand that constantly blow our way on the winds of life. I want to be a "peace maker" !!!!!!!!! I no longer want to be a people pleaser and look at that trait at a very, very negative trait.

It is rare to read such a Scripturally well written book on a highly important topic. Very refreshing, very convicting. Lou's warning is in place: the first part of the book contains some of the most convicting material you may have ever read. Keep in mind, that this is for a very good purpose, as the author further elaborates: "most of us would never change the things in our lives that are out of sync with God's Word apart from being convicted of our sin." While it may sound unsympathetic to some, it is actually a very loving approach, Lou explains. This reminds me of Jesus' words in Rev 3:19 ("Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent."), but also can see Proverbs 9:8, and 27:5.

I used to think that emotional and behavioral problems are sicknesses, but upon further study and reflection, I realize now that they are simply sin. Actually, it is quite hopeless to have a sickness or disorder, as typically there is no cure for such things (many are genetic and beyond cure). But, when the problem is sin, that is the most hopeful of a situation, as "there is a powerful cure for this type of problem - the gospel of Jesus Christ" (pg. 10). The change occurs when we let the Spirit of God apply the Word of God in our lives.

Lou helps us diagnose our problem in the first part of the book. You have heard a lot about this problem, terms like codependency, people pleaser, caving in to peer pressure, and others come to mind. But, to fully understand it, we must diagnose people's problems with God's Words (1 Cor 2:13, 1 John 12:42-43). The problem consists of two sides: desire for approval, and fear of rejection. One way to see it: "He fears the displeasure of man more than the displeasure of God" (pg. 23). Or, the other side of the coin: "He desires the praise of man above the praise of God" (pg. 25) (see: Matt 23:5-7, 6:1-5). What really got me thinking was some of the further diagnosis questions/ statements, such as: "He studies what it takes to please man as much as (if not more than) what it takes to please God". Or, "He is oversensitive to correction, reproof, and other allusions of dissatisfaction or disapproval on the part of the others." (pg. 31). Now, you got my attention!

The book is filled with excellent insights by a teacher and a counselor with many years of experience in applying God's Word to problems (sins) like these. After diagnosing the problem, explaining the dangers of the problem, clearing up any "fine-print" of when it may be fine to please people, then dealing with pride, next Lou focuses in the 2nd part of the book on the solution. Topics such as the characteristics of a God-pleaser, what it takes to please God, issues of pride, and more are covered. The book is sure to challenge all who read it, help many grow in their faith and obedience to God's Word, and save numbers of the snares of this problem (sin), potentially save their life and soul. I highly recommend it for you and your loved ones.

WOW, are you kidding me? Lou Priolo has written a masterpiece. "Pleasing People" nailed ME right between the headlights. Every word leaped off the page and deeply convicted me. It's as though Lou Priolo was reading my thoughts. This book has profoundly changed my life. It is a must read for every preacher/pastor. This book probably saved my ministry and added years to my life! Do yourself a favor and buy a copy for you and a friend. You will not be disappointed. Thank you, Lou Priolo!

This book is right on the money. This books helps to analyze the motivation behind the desire to please people above pleasing God.

If you are interested in deepening your relationship with Christ, this book is an excellent stepping stone in that direction. I had purchased this book for my self a year ago, knowing that I struggle with seeking the approval of others. Wow! was I in for a great deal of soul searching. Priolo lays out a very clear definition of what it means to seek the approval of man rather than the approval of God. I faced (and still do as it is a process) great conviction regarding the pride in my heart. Thank God for Christ's finished work on Calvary that enables us forgiveness from and victory over sin. A word of warning...this book is not light reading but definitely worth the journey!
I have purchased another copy to give as a gift to an interested brother. Highly recommended for those desiring to pursue Jesus.