Customer Reviews

Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits : Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

Love Without Limits is a solid introduction to polyamory. Polyamory is the practice of having multiple ethical, honest, non-monogamous relationships.

Making polyamorous relationships work can be difficult for many people... they bring up issues not always faced in monogamous relationships, and poly families often have few role models and friends who can provide experienced advice. This makes books like this one extremely important.

Topics covered include ethics, how to tell if polyamory is right for you, skills for successfully managing polyamorous relationships, jealousy, managing transitions from monogamy to non-monogamy, coming out, and many more.

While this book is clearly aimed at people in or considering polyamorous relationships, I would also recommend its section on relationship skills (the chapter "Eight Steps to Successful Polaymory") to people in or considering monogamous relationships.

Highly recommended. In addition, people who enjoy this book may also want to look at a book which approaches some of these topics from a similar but not identical viewpoint: "The Ethical Slut: A guide to infinite sexual possiblities" by Easton, Dossie and Liszt, Catherine A., Greenery Press, 1997.

I work as personal and professional development coach and have a graduate education in both a hard science and psychology. In my role as a coach, I have seen with my own eyes the devastation that infidelity, sexual addiction, sexual deceit causes in many lives. I have also written articles on infidelity and have done some deep studies in human sexuality from various perspectives. It is from this place that I am evaluating this book with a very open mind that is concerned with dealing with the modern culture landscape as it relates to sexual morals.

As a biologist/biochemist, I have read extensively on evolutionary biology and it is clear to me from the literature that we are hard-wired to pursue two mating strategies (long and short term) and that like other primates we have a strong tendency toward being promiscuous. This is complicated by a lot of ignorance, guilt, shame and hurt that is often not communicated about and sometimes not healed. (For more information on different mating strategies see The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating.

The modern dilemma seems to be what does sexual ethics look like in contemporary society where people often wait until their mid-thirties to marry and life is much more complicated. Given that it is also a post-modern world where for many people old paradigms don't seem to apply, what can one use as a yardstick for evaluating behavior. This book attempts to address these issues head-on.

At the same time, social institutions such as marriage seem less relevant to many people and there seems to be a crisis of meaning. While everyone seeks intimacy, many people feel out of alignment or can't make peace with the cultural instituitions and beliefs we have inherited from the past and our respective religious backgrounds. I think this is underscored in the alarming statistics of the infidelity rate -- the sad reality is that in any given marriage, there is an 80% chance that at least one of the partners will cheat at some time often with devastating life consequences.

Polyamory or non-monagamy is one possible solution that is proposed to this dilemma. This book is a sensitive exploration of this topic and asserts that honest non-monagamy is more authentic, less hurtful and often workable for people who struggle with monogamy. It even goes so far as to say that serial monogamy is a form of non-monogamy and it is what people are really practicing in general as evidenced by the high divorce rate and dating behavior of most people.

I think Deborah Anapol presents a strong argument for the validity of honest non-monogamy that respects other people's rights, dignity and trust. Certainly, I see this as a more healthy alternative to secret agendas, sexual deceit and furtive relationships that engender shame, guilt and anger. On the other hand, I think the book underplays that we are also wired to bond and that for many people this is a perfectly comfortable arrangement. In reality, I thihk there is a range of sexual styles and I see all of them as legitimate depending upon how they are practiced.

The author makes it clear who her audience is in the introduction, "This book is addressed to the millions of men and women who are failing at traditional relationships who feel guilty, isolated, and ashamed." She goes on to say that "Our culture desperately needs a new set of sexual ethics. We need a middlge ground between the free love doctrine of the Sexual Revolution and outmoded lifelong monogamy." While I think saying that lifelong monogamy is outmoded is an assumption rather than a fact, I do think there is much value in Deborah's message and well-written book.

What this book proposes as a potential solution is RESPONSIBLE NON-MONOGAMY. This is a non-monogamy based on honest communication, keeping the heart open and suberb communication skills. In reality, I think it is very difficult for most people to do one relationship well. This is a reality that author acknowledges and doesn't see nonmonogamy as a panacea for marital or sexual discontent. However, she believes that "poly" arrangements are workable and based on my experience, I have seen that a small percentage of the population can live this way and do it successfully. On the other hand, I believe it exponentially more complicated than making a single relationship work, which is also something to consider.

If you are considering a polyamorous lifestyle, this book gives you a good model and roadmap for implementing this lifestyle in an open, honest and productive way. This book is written from a vulnerable place, is well-organized by topic and covers every dimension of moving into this arena including "coming out."

While I personally feel that committed monogamy is the highest expression of love, I do see this approach as a valid and ethical lifestyle choice. I regard relationship to be a crucible where safety and trust is nurtured and allows a relationship to flourish. I think it is possible to set up a similar safe container in nonmonogamous relationships, but like I said earlier it would seem to require very mature people who are suberb communicators. The point I'm making here is that while polyamory could be a valid life choice, there is also a danger that one can use it to escape from real intimacy, avoid problems, etc. The author does a good job of making this point too.

In short, this is a very worthwhile read that does a very fine exploration of a sensitive and controversial topic. I highly recommend it to anyone considering this lifestyle or that has an interest in sexual ethics in a modern context. Some other books of interest in this area can be found on my listmania lists, but I particularly recommend the following Ethics for the New Millennium, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power and A General Theory of Love.

If you are looking for a way to contextualize the complexities of this arena and other aspects of the postmodern era, you may also enjoy A Brief History of Everything, Kosmic Consciousness or Guide for the Perplexed. These address the often missing meaning dimension of modern life, as does Forgotten Truth: The Common Vision of the World's Religions.

In summary, this is the best book that I am aware of on this topic and I probably own or have read at least 300 books on human sexuality. I think it is an important area where most people look for their primary meaning in relationship to another human being. Indeed, relationship seems to have taken the place of traditional religion in some areas. Given this fact, I think it is important to explore all of the questions we have around sexuality and use all of the tools and disciplines we have to explore solutions to the dilemmas facing modern people in world that is increasingly fast-paced, atomized and often impersonal.

author of DREAMING YOUR REAL SELF: A PERSONAL APPROACH TO DREAM INTERPRETATION and DREAM BACK YOUR LIFE

Monogamy isn't the only way to be in loving relationships. We don't expect to have exclusive or closed relationships with friends, and many people are able to love more than one person intimately. Responsible non-monogamay doesn't mean you are unable to be in a committed relationship or that you are sleeping around, cheating, or risking STDs. If you have considered polyamory in any form (and there are many ways to be polyamorous) this book will help you examine the pitfalls and promises. The suggestions for honesty, compassionate understanding, and dealing with jealousy in relationships will be informative even for those who decide poly isn't for them. Conscious adults will appreciate being reminded that they can design their relationships as they see fit.

I borrowed this book from my poly girlfriend because I am in a marriage that is leaning toward poly, but we are still not perfect at it. Learning from books seems like a long shot, but it gave me some interesting views. There were things I liked and didn't like about this book.
I liked that it gets more in-depth about jealousy. It helps to deconstruct jealousy to figure out exactly what is bothering you. There is insecurity, fear of being replaced, and even competition. The author believes that jealousy can be overcome. I believe this to a certain extent. If you limit your life because of jealousy (for example not doing something because someone could get jealous), it might just make it worse (finding something else to get jealous about and limit). I was working through jealousy at the same time I was working through being afraid to fly across the sea and it's not that different. Though I think for me it would have to be overcome with each situation.
She brings up a new concept in the subject of jealousy: it has an opposite. "Compersion" is when a person is happy that two people like each other. In a society like ours, this word is not well known, but I have felt compersion before, and it can be the result of getting past jealousy. I thought this was interesting, because I've heard that people are happy for their lover, but not in this term, which made it seem more like they are generally happy and not just trying to accept it.
Another thing I found mind-expanding was her description of 3 or more people in primary relationships together. She describes the beneficial ways that these groups could interact. She also says that relationships like that aren't harmful to children; on the contrary, there are more people to support the children. Interesting theory, and she could have a point, but I think having extra parents also means extra arguments, theories on child rearing, etc, but I don't necessarily think it is intrinsically traumatic just because there are more than two parents. Other living arrangements include more than two adults in the house that help raise a kid, the only difference here is that more than two adults are sexually involved.
She also mentions other cultures that had a more polyamorous lifestyle, and talks about archetypes from other cultures. It is interesting how different the whole subject can look from another perspective. Really, I just never thought of that way. Certain specific things she said are what stuck in my mind.
Her writing style was kind of boring in a lot of ways. She's very idealistic in this book- really most people couldn't handle it and probably if polyamory became really mainstream it would just be about getting laid. I think she seemed too new age and pretentious too. She suggests starting a poly group in your area, but she has so much criteria that it comes off as elitist- for instance, don't include someone who is inexperienced, which is something people can't exactly help. She makes it seem like people have to be psychologically perfect in order to be polyamorous, or even to be monogamous. Sorry, but people just aren't perfect, and rejecting them for their imperfections will just make them feel worse.
Some things annoyed me about this book, but overall it was worthwhile and it may make you think of things in a different way.

One of the two best books on polyamory and polyfidelity, with a focus on the latter. Though Anapol's work is beset with preachy "spirituality" discussion that really has very little to do with the subject of the book, and gets annoying at times, the advice and experience in it are priceless. However, it does focus very strongly on the group nature of polyamory - on responsibility, sharing, cooperation, etc. - and is missing much of the information relating to the more personal, hedonistic, and self-reliant side that one needs just as much as the group behavior and relationship partnering side. For that reason, I would strongly encourage anyone reading "Polyamory" to also read Easton & Liszt's "The Ethical Slut", which provides this other half of the picture.

When I fell into the idea of polyamory years ago, I just kind of made up the rules as I went along. If I had had this book, I wouldn't have made the mistakes that I did....but it was also reassuring to find that I'd gotten some things right by pure instinct.

This book is a fantastic primer for anyone just considering a polyamorous relationship, and yet still a great help for those of us already involved in the lifestyle. I know that my husband, Chris, and my wife Gena, and I, couldn't do without it, it really helps us get over the rough spots of poineering a new lovestyle. Especially helpful are the chapters about jealousy, and coming out of the closet to friends and family. I absolutlely, completely reccommend this book not only to polyamorous families, but their friends and birth families as well. It explains in detail all the things that one needs to know.

A must have!

This was the 4th book I read on alternative lifestyles. Much more theoretical than the others, I actually found this more inspiring. The theoretical approach helps one to arm oneself clearly with the potential benefits of choosing this alternative lifestyle. I find this very useful in explaining something that is very important to me, but that most people don't seem to be able to conceive.

The author seems to have much personal experience and a large network of others with their own experiences to draw on. A must read for anyone interested in expanding their horizons in this way and a useful read even for those who aren't interested in bringing the ideas into practice.

I bought this book so I can better understand the realationship that I am in. It gave me a better understanding of what this whole idea is, and to handle the day-to-day encounters that arise. I feel that anyone who is interested in this lifesytle, this is a must read, and for those who have family members who are in this to understand their choice of lifestyle. This book tackles the subjects from how and what to do with jealousy to making it work. Well written, and honest.

This book discusses non-traditional methods of defining and balancing love, intimacy, and relationships.

Dr. Anapol considers most people to be polyamorist at heart. I don't know if that is true. And I don't know if I concur with it personally. But the author also asserts "I still cared deeply for all my past lovers" and that for me is "irreducibly real" (See 'Angels in America' for quote reference).

I bought the book used, & after the author wrote "Sustainable intimacy absolutely requires total honesty," the previous book owner had written in the margin, "Ya Think!" But the author notes that most monogamous relationships require the partners to be dishonest about their love for 3rd parties. This is a type of dishonesty most people support.

Some people have difficulty "forsaking all others." I'm not a champion of forsaking anyone. Why is "forsaking" (synonymous with abandonment & inconsideration) others a necessary component of loving one? Or as the author puts it: "In polyamory, the well-being of all intimate friends must always be considered." Yet traditional monogamy sanctions and praises being inconsiderate of anyone who might want sexually intimacy with you. There are logical, moral, and ethical contradictions in that principle that are tough to reconcile.

Dr. Anapol does not suggest that polyamory is a cure for monogamy problems. She states the opposite, saying "you are in no position to practice polyamory if your primary partnership is weak."

She does not discuss in detail some of the major dangers of non-monogamy. There is probably increased risk of: violence against yourself and loved ones, loss of other familial and friendly relationships, loss of work, loss of child custody, etc. These are real risks that should be addressed more fully in any honest guide on these topics.

But these kinds of risks have existed for different minority groups, based on religion, ethnicity, mixed race couples, homosexuals, etc. And the question is not necessarily: Is polyamory a good solution for most people? This book addresses the more practical question of: If you are intimately in love with more than one person, what might work to healthfully sustain more than one relationship at a time?

The author writes: "Sometimes, what it comes down to is this: Who or what do you love more? Your partner or your concept of an ideal relationship?" Is your marriage definition your priority, or are the people you love your priority?

To borrow the frustration from Brokeback Mountain: "If you can't fix it Jack. You gotta stand it. There ain't no reigns on this one." But unlike Ennis Del Mar, who chooses not to take the dangerous path, Dr. Anapol tries to suggest methods for dealing with nearly impossible situations. She tries to fix it.

Some people honestly love more than one person. And this book asks: Should they feel guilty and punish their souls, or should they consider other definitions of love & loyalty, and other methods to meet their loved ones' interests?

This is the classic, definitive, somewhat intellectual book on Polyamory. However, if you want to know why polyamory is important for everyone to understand, read "The Future of Love", by Daphne Rose Kingma. She is a mainstream "relationship book" author who discovered that her own advice was lacking and gives the clearest explanation of why conventional monogamous relationships are now in upheaval and what the alternatives are.