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Portrait of a Marriage: Vita Sackville-West and Harold Nicolson

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Both those unfamiliar with the extraordinary life of British aristocrat Victoria (Vita) Sackville - West and those who have read Victoria Glendinning's compelling Vita (1983), Virginia Woolf's Orlando (1928), or Sackville -West's own multiple published works of fiction, poetry, or nature and travel writing will thoroughly enjoy Portrait Of A Marriage (1973). Composed around a posthumously discovered confessional manuscript Sackville - West wrote and hid away in 1920, the book's chapters alternate between portions of Vita's nuanced, forthright manuscript and son Nigel Nicholson's more objective recounting of the facts in the lives of his parents, Sackville - West and her spouse, author and diplomat Harold Nicholson.

Chiefly remembered today for her garden at Sissinghurst Castle in Kent and for being the romantic ("Better to gloriously fail than dingily succeed"), daring, and bisexual inspiration for Woolf's historical, gender-addressing novel Orlando, Sackville - West was a temperamental, multifaceted, and deeply emotional woman who followed the dictates of her heart and defied the conventions of her era to what many would think an alarming degree. As her manuscript clearly reveals, Sackville - West was a very human, self - honest individual who was conscious of her moral and ethical weaknesses and who continually struggled with her wayward nature and its debilitating affects on her husband, children, and extended family. Today a hero to some and a somewhat ridiculous figure to others, readers of Portrait Of A Marriage are likely to come away with more than a modicum of sympathy for the not - entirely enigmatic Vita; throughout her life she managed to straddle a great number of seeming paradoxes and today remains potent proof that many Western conventions concerning love, marriage, parenthood, sexuality, and friendship are as not as tightly mapped out as most would generally like to believe. Unlike fellow writers and contemporaries Hilda Doolittle, Djuna Barnes, or Jean Rhys, her excesses, dependencies, and emotional vacillations did not ultimately undo Vita, either psychically, artistically, or socially. Admittedly, Sackville - West was a child of privilege and remained financially comfortable most of her life. However, her managerial skill, expert monetary planning, and her own hard work as an author, radio broadcaster, lecturer, and internationally acclaimed gardener went a long way towards securing that position.

Portrait Of A Marriage and the story of Sackville - West's life may be the ultimate romantic tale of the twentieth century, though one in which the glamour of wealth, palatial family estates (365 - room Knole), creative talent, international fame, and steadfast love were offset by dark episodes of betrayal, spousal abuse, transvestitism, emotional violence, and apparent child abandonment. Remarkably, Vita's story was ultimately a happy one, and the end of her life, relatively serene. Increasingly a loner with age, Sackville - West sequestered herself in her private tower at Sissinghurst, where she continued to write novels and other literature. But men and women continued to fall in love with her and she with them; as Victoria Glendinning wrote, "For Vita the great adventure was never over."

I ordered this book by chance. I did not know it was a true story until they mentioned Virginia Woolf and the book she was writing called Orlando(inspired by Vita). Reading this book took on a whole different meaning because I had seen the movie in 1993 called Orlando. I thought that was interesting how things connect years later. The movie was fictional and is worth watching.
I loved the book because I liked Vita and I loved Harold. Neither was perfect but who is. I like her candor in the book and I am glad I read the book. Marriages these days should take a page from this book and hold it close.

Despite the fact that Vita Sackville-West was the subject of Virginia Woolf's Orlando as well as her lover, the author of numerous books, and a world famous gardener, she still manages to be a somewhat enigmatic character. This unusual and engrossing portrait, written by her son, contributes a great deal to bring substantial light on Vita's very interesting life and loves. Nicolson is generous in quoting her verbatim from her diaries, the most compelling of which recounts her wild affair with Violet Trefusis, during which the two women fled to Paris pursued by their husbands, where Vita passed as a man by dressing as a wounded soldier. This is one of the most passionate accounts of any love affair I have read.

Nicolson's act of documenting his parents' intimate passions is a great contribution to literary history. He did us a great service by writing this book and in quoting liberally from their own writings, in many ways lets his parents speak for themselves. Any one interested in Bloomsbury, women of the left bank, passing women, feminism, gay/lesbian/bisexual history should make this part of their library.

After the death of his mother Vita Sackville-West in 1962, author Nigel Nicolson stumbled upon her private notebook containing details of her tumultuous love affair with Violet Trefusis. Using this diary as a springboard, Nicolson boldly endeavored to unearth and lay bare the facts of his mother's life.

Sackville-West was a fiercely independent woman, raised in the lap of lavish luxury. The author takes pains to illustrate not only his mother's life, but that of her own mother. Sackville-West grew up at Knole, the largest privately owned estate in England. Her every whim indulged, at yet she perceived herself the proverbial "poor little rich girl." Vita was a crossing-dressing lesbian. However, society demanded a marriage. Thus it was that she married Harold Nicolson, a homosexual friend working in Her Majesty's Foreign Service.

The marriage was based on a mutual genuine affection, and not without romantic love (they did produce two sons); Vita and Harold were indeed the very portrait of the "a happy couple" - when they were together. The Foreign Service often demanded that Harold be away from home and country for great stretches of time, and during such times each engaged in extramarital affairs with members of their own sex. While Harold's assignations tended toward discreet one night stands, Vita entered into an emotionally volatile affair with Violet - a relationship which nearly brought her marriage to a scandalous end.

Nicolson paints Trefusis as a grasping, emotionally desperate villain, indeed this reader wanted to reach through the pages of history and strangle her. Not that Vita, or Harold were without fault, but Violet is drawn as a manipulative neurotic bitch and would-be home wrecker. The Nicolson's not only survive, they endure; flourishing at their great estate called Sissinghurst, though they continue to have their affairs (Vita most notably with Virginia Woolf) for the remainder of their lives.

"The Portrait of a Marriage" was hailed as a classic of biography and self-examination from the moment it was published. No fiction is quite as rich as well documented reality, and this volume proves that a hundred times over.

Written as a sort of posthumous confession, Portrait Of A Marriage is the TRUE story of a forty-nine year marriage that survived constant bouts of reciprocal infidelity. To throw another stick into the blaze, both (at times) loved people of their own sex, and yet their marriage not only survived these bouts of unorthodoxy, sexual incompatibility, and long absences, but became stronger and finer as a result. As stated in the Foreword, "each came to give the other full liberty without inquiry or reproach. Honour was rooted in dishonour. Their marriage succeeded because each found permanent and undiluted happiness only in the company of the other. If their marriage is seen as a harbour, their love-affairs were mere ports-of-call. It was to the harbour that each returned; it was there that both were based." Interesting, to say the least!

The story is told in five parts; two by the protagonist Vita Sackville-West, and three by her son, Nigel Nicolson. After his mother's death in 1962, Nigel discovered among her personal items a travel bag containing a large notebook. It was a manuscript, an autobiography written by his mother when she was 28 years old. For a decade Nigel held on to this manuscript, and in 1973 (his father having passed away in 1968) it was published here in Portrait Of A Marriage. Parts 1 and 3 consist of Vita's autobiography verbatim; parts 2 and 4 are Nigel's commentary, each prefaced by a very useful chronological timeline. Part 5 summarizes the remaining years of the marriage, showing how they "made out of a non-marriage a marriage which succeeded beyond their dreams." The basis of this certainly unconventional marriage was what they called a "common sense of values." Total frankness. There were certain things that were wrong absolutely, and as long as they agreed on what those things were, it did not matter much if in other ways they behaved outrageously. For them, marriage as an institution was actually "unnatural" and only tolerable for people of strong character and independent minds if it were regarded as a lifetime association between intimate friends. Understood and experienced as such, a successful marriage then became "the greatest of human benefits" and therefore, husband and wife should strive hard to achieve it! "Each must be subtle enough to mould their characters and behaviour to fit the other's, facet to facet, convex to concave. The husband must develop the feminine side of his nature, the wife her masculine side. He must cultivate the qualities of sympathy and intuition; she those of detachment, reason, and decision. He must respond to tears; she must not miss trains."

Of course there will be readers who feel that these two developed these other sides of their "nature" to an extreme perhaps? Detractors however, should be sure to validate their criticism with a marriage of 50 years plus... for here was one that lasted 49, and was inexorably defeated only by physical death itself. Truly bizarre? Yes indeed. These two individuals were so extraordinary and UNIQUE that I think it important to note that their story should not be viewed as a "how-should-we" story... but a "how-did-they" story. In this, it is magnificent as it stands.

The author did a tremendous editorial job of putting it all together. Anyone interested in V. Sackville-West's writing will find this work to be indispensable. A great read.

The centre of the book and its raison d'etre is Vita Sackville-West's own extraordinary memoire about her life so far including her catalytic 3 year affair with Violet Trefusis. The affair came very close to wrecking her life with her husband, Harold Nicolson, who she loved deeply but no longer felt sexual passion for. Harold threatened to leave Vita and it was only under such pressure - on both sides of the affair - that it was ended. The memoire, written in 1920-21, and discovered by Nigel in 1962 begged a narrative and an afterword; Nigel provided this and presented an eloquent, classic book which has never been out of print since it was published in 1973.

Whether this marriage is to be admired as much as Vita, Harold and Nigel felt it should be admired is for the reader to judge. What makes it most extraordinary is the homosexuality of Vita and Harold and the fact that their once discreet open marriage is now in the public domain. They would each be getting on for 120 years old today but they still seem so fresh that readers, whatever their sexual preferences are, might learn lessons (positive and negative) from them even today.

Towards the end of her life in 1961, Vita wrote (in a letter to Harold not included in 'Portrait') that she had been 'madly in love' with Violet but the affair was now 'passion completely spent'; she wrote 'the true love that has survived is mine for you, and yours for me.' She also gently rebuked Harold for not explaining his own homosexuality in the first place. 'It would have saved us a lot of trouble and misunderstanding. But I simply didn't know.' Harold's reply, if there was one, is not published.

The intimacy of Vita and Harold's relationship is contained in their voluminous correspondence. Harold's diary, Violet's letters and Vita's mother's diary are also key sources for this book. All these were at Sissinghurst in the early 1970's. Nigel separates Vita's memoire into two chapters, draws from the other sources and adds his own voice and, to a lesser extent, that of his brother Benedict. Vita's relationship with Virginia Woolf is affectionately documented. The book created the legend of Vita and Harold who led compartmentalised lives, had multiple relationships, multiple careers and remained devoted to one another. It is a well written and well crafted tribute.

`Portrait' is, as it would be, slanted in favour of Vita and Harold. This book could not be the whole truth or a detailed portrait of the marriage but it is a portrait of two fascinating and productive people. Because of the scandal it caused, Nigel was excoriated by some for publishing this book and in essays written afterwards he would defend his decision and fill in some of the gaps. But the gaps are justified in this labour of love because it is written from such a personal stand-point. This is a wonderful read and is well recommended.

I recently re-read this book for research on the novel I was working on (having not looked at it in many years). Unlike many things read in youth, it was even more searing and electrifying this time than the first go-round. Perhaps that's because the subject matter has become routine (there are even web sites devoted to polyamory, lesbianism, bisexuality, open marriage, etc.), while the emotions that Vita Sackville-West's affair with Violet Trefusis have not been dealt with by this explosion of sexual variety.

This book is not for the faint-hearted. It's not great writing, as it was meant to be a personal diary of Vita's passage through fire, and is not literary in that sense. But given the weakness of Vita's professional writing (most of which has been forgotten), it's perhaps a good thing she couldn't re-write and mar the freshness and raw emotion of this tale.

The book has been a Bible for some, including the protagonist of my novel. It has that kind of "read me if you dare" emotional dynamite.

The Book Discussion group met at the LGBT Center in NYC and discussed this book in January 2011.

Everyone liked this book, some liked it a lot. It was a good book for discussion.

We found the second section of journal entries to be openly sexual, rather "purple" and very erotic, which is amazing considering when they were written. While most liked the structure of the book (Vita's journal entries; discussion by her son, Nigel; more of Vita's journal entries; more explanation by Nigel; and, finally, a summary by Nigel), others found it to be rather "block-like," especially compared to Vita's lively and passionate prose. It must be difficult for a son to read his mother's unsparing diaries, and Nigel often paints his parents in glowing terms.

Vita's struggle with her sexuality was richly explored, but we had to notice that her class and easy access to money must have contributed to the constant traveling and her ability to maintain lovers. (When the manipulative Violet fell ill, Vita dashed to France to feed her chicken and champagne.)

We were glad that Nigel dealt with the racism of the period. But we would have liked to have known more about Harold, who also had same-sex liaisons but apparently lacked the passion that drove Vita. Only a queer pair, such as Vita and Harold, could have forged such a bond and understood and encouraged each other's affairs in a largely open marriage.

I found it interesting to read these five books in close proximity (in time): Willa Cather's "My Antonia"; Edith Wharton's "Ethan Frome"; "A Backward Glance" by Edith Wharton; "Portrait of a Marriage" by Nigel and Vita; and, Daniel Defoe's "Robinson Crusoe."

Three are fiction but read like a non-fictional memoir or diary; and two are non-fiction but read like novels. If one did not know which was which, one would be hard pressed to sort them out.

The two memoirs were written by novelists and that's what makes them so enjoyable. The lifelong affair described by Edith and the unconventional marriage described by Vita are not for us to judge; we read them because we enjoy good writing.

Our circumstances are too unlike Edith's or Vita's to even think we could follow in their footsteps. In both cases one needs to be a) independently wealthy enough to strike out one's own; and, b) emotionally strong enough to challenge yourself and your partner, even at great risk of loss and greater risk of pain.

I am neither (wealthy enough to support the lifestyle nor emotionally strong enough to have more than one life-long love) but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy reading these autobiographies. If one enjoys these author's novels, or if one enjoys the novels of those in their writing circle, I think the reading experience is greatly improved when one knows as much as one can about the background of the novelist.

Virginia Woolf's novels are so much better when one knows her own life; in fact, it's almost imperative to know her life -- all her novels are autobiographical, and she admits that, saying that is the only world she knew -- her world -- and thus, that's all she could write about.

And therefore, if you enjoy modernist literature, especially literature that came out of the Bloomsbury group, it's almost imperative you read Nigel and Vita's book of a marriage that may or may not have been all that unconventional. Only because she dared to write the story, is the story unconventional. For all we know, their love affair is not outside the norm in rural America or downtown San Francisco.

Vita Sackville West and Sir Harold Nicolson's diaries explain their unique formula for their marriage which lasted until death. The couple both had sexual orientations towards their own gender but somehow managed to come together and have two sons before Vita rekindled an old flame, Violet Trefusis who wanted Vita to herself. This relationship of all the others including hers with Virginia Woolf theatened Vita and Harold's marriage. The book is about how one affair almost destroyed the marriage but strengthened and challenged it. For Vita and Harold, their marriage wasn't just about sexuality, it was about companionship and challenging each other. While Vita was sexually attracted to women, she found their flaws in the case of Violet to over-possessive, controlling, jealousy, envy, etc. With Harold, Vita found her sanctuary. I could only imagine them discussing their sexual conquests. Vita had fallen in love with another, Geoffrey Scott, and she never pidgeonholed herself into having just one lover but just one husband who allowed her to be herself. If you find somebody who allows you to be yourself, that's a keeper. For Vita and Harold, they're still together somewhere and maybe they have company.