Customer Reviews

Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child

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This is an astoundingly good book. There is more common sense and sound advice between its covers than I have seen in 40 years of reading on child psychology and parenting strategies. (I am a retired school Headmaster, teacher, and coach of world-class athletes). Positive Pushing has special relevance to parents of 'high achievers', but it is equally valuable for all parents who simply want to help their children be the best they can be. Dr. Taylor focuses on developing value systems, a strong work ethic, self-confidence, ownership, responsibility, self-respect, etc. But this is no 'feel good book.' Dr. Taylor insists that kids must DO POSITIVE THINGS in order to feel good about themselves and to become constructive and successful adults. There is no 'psycho babble' in this book. It is all plain English and common sense. Parents are coached on how to teach their kids that one of the true joys in life is experiencing the process of achieving. Here are some quotes that should whet a reader's appetite: 'A funny thing happens when you raise the bar. People find a way to get over it, once they realize it is expected. Human beings can do amazing things -- if they're asked to.' 'Positive pushing emphasizes creating options for children from which they can choose a direction, and stressing that doing nothing is not an option.' 'You need to strike a balance between giving your child the first push toward achievement in terms of direction, opportunities and resources, and then stepping back and enabling her to to find her own personal connection with the activity. Your involvement must shift from direction and guidance to encouragement and freedom.' This is good stuff. Dr. Taylor draws on many years of experience working with athletes and parents from little league moms to olympic team members -- and also dancers, artists and musicians. The author does a good job of integrating basic principles with real-life examples. I think this book should be read by children age 13 or older as well as by their parents. I have encouraged Headmaster friends to make POSITIVE PUSHING required summer reading for all of their teachers and coaches, and to strongly urge all of their parents to read it as well. In short, this is MUST READING for anyone who is interested in raising successful and happy children. Learn more about his book at its web site.

Jim Taylor is pushing too hard in trying to resolve various parenting and parenting/adult issues in one book. He probable knows a lot about achievement but he couldn't convince me about how positive pushing/control can be with kids--he starts with a promising argument but feters out in his style of discussion. He cites good research but his own ideas/interpretations are unoriginal and unconvincing. He is also inconsistent in his opinions (i.e., unconditional love does not exist then in next sentence he says that parents are to love their kids without condition). He also talks about achieving "balance" without real-life solutions. He does have lists of behavioral solutions in the end of the chapters but they seem disjointed and almost exhaustive, making me feel more like my kids and I would be more exhausted than "balanced". The tone of his book was bland and too distancing--I found myself skimming his chapter intros. He sounds more like a motivational speaker or academician than an experienced parent (he cites kids/families he's worked with but no personal stories about his own family). For a more "balanced" approach in parenting and easier read, I recommend Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.

I read a fair amount of parenting books and, sad to say, many of them are little more than either "psycho-babble" or books on how to manipulate your child.

Positive Pushing is a wonderfully balanced look at this little discussed aspect of childhood; raising your children to be successful.

Dr. Taylor does a very thorough job of defining what true success is. He also does a very thorough job of delineating what the parental responsibilities are. I love the way he makes clear (throughout the book)how the parents themselves need to engage in defining their own values as well as resolving their own issues. This "parenting from the inside out" approach ensures that the parent does not work out his/her unresolved parental issues through their child, which, sadly, describes many, many parents. One of the main themes that underpines his work is "what is in the best interests of the child." If we, as a society, had our child(ren)'s best interest in the forefront of our thinking, how different our world would look!

Parents would do well to read this book together, especially as their children approach school age. Yet, this book can be read and appreciated by parents who have children in the later grades.

Caution: This is not a book one can just breeze through and "get." Dr. Taylor has buttressed his contention that children need to be positively pushed with a plethora of research, some longitudinal. He's done is homework, obviously, and the net result is this masterpiece that is destined to be an all-time classic in parenting literature.

A book I will continue to consult, both as a parent and as a (one day) counselor. As solid a book as you will ever read on child rearing.

In today's world of overscheduling kids and trying to help them achieve success and compete, parents finally have a clear set of guidelines about when to push kids and when to back off. Dr. Taylor writes with a wonderful combination of expertise and common sense. He doesn't "tell" parents how to structure their kids' lives. He offers practical and proven information that makes the choices of how and when to "push" kids easier to make.
He addresses the issues of self esteem, time management, and helping a child maintain a sense of ownership over his or her own life and accomplishments. This is a book every parent should have who wants to help their child succeed not only in the eyes of the world, but in their own eyes, which is what makes the difference.

As a psychologist who often works with parents, a parent of two school-age children, and a soccer coach, I found this book extremely helpful both personally and in my work. I would happily recommend it to parents without reservation, something I can't say about that many parenting books! It is unusually clear and well-written (something I can't say about the writing of that many psychologists!), relatively jargon-free, and organized well. The ideas are well-integrated with research findings as well as reflecting Dr. Taylor's own considerable clinical experience. His discussion of perfectionism, fear of failure, and defining of success in terms of effort and setting realistic goals were particularly useful and applicable not just to children. This book is bigger than its title in that it also addresses emotional maturity in general, and how to build and foster maturity in our children so that they can be both successful achievers and happier people. The definition of achievement in terms of one's efforts and perseverence in pursuit of personally meaningful goals could make a huge difference in the lives of many adults as well as children. I see too many adults in my practice who were crippled by low self-esteem and grandiose expectations of themselves that I can't help but appreciate this book. I was particularly struck by Dr. Taylor's discussion of the child who is objectively successful but can't appreciate his or her success; this seems a common and heartbreaking problem that does not get enough attention.
If this book has any faults, it is only that in his efforts to be clear and to hold parents accountable, Dr. Taylor does not emphasize other important influences on children's difficulties with achievement such as temperament (some children naturally push themselves harder than others, some are more focused than others, etc.), significant differences in ability, comparing themselves with peers and siblings, and the degree to which the larger school and community culture emphasize competition, etc. Sometimes our job as parents is to temper those other influences, and we can succeed or fail in that capacity as well. Some of the complexity of parent-child dynamics is lost when the emphasis is only on how parents influence their children and not on how different children elicit very different responses around achievement issues, and so present different challenges for parents. Nevertheless, this book makes a valuable contribution to a complex issue that is compelling and often confusing for most parents but is not often discussed so thoughtfully and at such length. In the end, Dr. Taylor manages to "push" (i.e. inspire, encourage, challenge) parents in a positive way to do a better job.

Dr. Taylor's book will guide parents of children from infancy to adulthood in establishing a healthy, nourishing, intelligent relationship with their children. Positive Pushing clearly defines the art of parenting that makes it possible for children to discover their best selves and thrive. It may be too early to declare that this is the best guide for parents ever written, but I know of none better. I am the father of four boys and a friend of Dr. Taylor's, and his wisdom has been of tremendous value to me and my family.

This book has the wrong title: Positive Pushing. It is not about "pushing;" it is about encouraging, inspiring and guiding children. Most importantly this is a book that teaches parents how to pay attention, how to respect, and how to respond to their children in ways that will contribute to their becoming satisfied and fulfilled in childhood and beyond.

As a psychotherapist I spend a significant amount of my time helping people to break free from all or none, black and white thinking learned --- you guessed it --- in childhood. Dr. Taylor's emphasis on an expanded definition for success lays a solid foundation for teaching children how to experience themselves outside the box of such limited thinking, setting the stage for us to offer the next generation legitimate alternatives to double-binding, self-defeating concepts of success that have nothing to do with genuine happiness.

Best selling author Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child, Breaking Down the Walls of Silence, etc) reminds us that if we are serious about changing the world, it can only begin with caring for our children. Positive Pushing will help you be a better parent --- definitely. But the book's own potential is bigger than that. Whether or not you have children, I suggest that you read this one.

- Thom Rutledge, author of Embracing Fear (HarperSanFrancisco)

I found this challenging book a perscription for the parent of any child that is capable of setting goals and working toward emotional mastery. For us as parent, it is a clear cut guide that will empower and elevate our own beliefs about what is possible to help our god-given children excel and become all that they can. The author has a keen sense of application in his writing that makes the reader dig deep within their own psyche to divide and conquer self limitations that are inevitably affecting kids. There are so many hurting kids. Are we as parents aiding and ebbedding these children or are we doing everything we can to push them positively? My favorite piece toward the end of the book speaks to parents as emotional coaches. Is this not the most important role we have as parents? Many of the authors insights seem to reflect so much wisdom, I found myslef comparing the insights relative to emotional control, dilligence and perseverance to the BOOK OF PROVERBS. I loved it for it's ability to motivate and confirm me in my role s mother, teacher, supporter, nurturer, and model for my two precious children.

Jim Taylor has illuminated the common sense middle ground between controlling parents who exert unhealthy pressure on their children to achieve and laissez-faire parents who make no demands out of fear of harming their children's "self-esteem." He does not gloss over subtleties and distinctions in parent-child interactions, and he supports his positions with copious references to research. At the same time, Positive Pushing is a readable, practical guide, full of helpful, specific suggestions. As a parent, I found this the most balanced, relevant and useful book on child-rearing to appear in a long time.

As someone who works with children, and who is the aunt of a 5 year old, I'm always looking for good books on how to support children to be the best they can be. This one really hits the mark. The author has a sound grasp of the subject of achievement, which he demonstrates through the use of solid references, research, and personal examples via his clinical practice. He writes in a way that is clear and easy for readers to apply to their own life. As someone who coaches floor hockey, I've already begun to use some of his techniques in supporting some of the parents who take their pushing too far. The author strikes a nice balance between encouraging parents to ensure that children take opportunities to try different things, and forcing too many activities on to children. The use of lists at the end of each chapter to summarize key concepts and ideas is really useful.

I would caution readers that the author's skewering of the self esteem movement is simplistic, at best. He does seem to be moralizing here, and I found myself tuning out at times. I would also disagree with his statements on unconditional love. The problem is he is actually mislabelling 'approval' as love. Parents should love their children no matter what. Love is not a weapon to be used to ensure certain behaviour from a child. I always love my niece, which she knows. She also knows, however, that I don't always approve of her behaviour and/or choices, and what the consequences are if she crosses certain boundaries. The author sends really mixed messages, because for all his talk about the 'dangers of unconditional love', at other times he does seem to understand the need to separate one's feelings about a child's behavior and choices from one's feelings about the person as a whole.

Lastly, I confess to finding some of the chapters to be a bit long. I found I took breaks from the book because it felt like overload at times. But the author uses alot of subheadings, so there are numerous logical spots to 'take a break', so this this problem wasn't as annoying as some other books with long chapters.

This book has many useful ideas, and the subject is very worthwhile. Highly reccommended to all!