The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships [Paperback]

Beverly Engel (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: July 19, 2002

"Fresh and useful . . . excellent practical advice . . . thorough and lucid . . . will be welcomed by many who have struggled to ask forgiveness and to forgive."
-Publishers Weekly

A finalist in the Books for a Better Life Awards competition!

Discover the healing power of apology and put its magic to work in your life

Do you have a difficult time apologizing or are you involved with someone who does?
Do you tend to overapologize and appear weak in others' eyes?
Do you want to reconcile with someone but feel they owe you an apology first?
Do you need to apologize or make amends to someone but don't know how to go about it?

In this inspiring book from internationally acclaimed therapist and self-improvement author Beverly Engel, you will learn why some people have difficulty apologizing while others tend to overapologize. You'll learn how to give a meaningful apology, how to ask for one, and how to receive one. From making amends with those you have hurt to dealing with someone who refuses to apologize to teaching children responsibility and empathy, this life-changing book shows you how to bring a healing new element of renewal into every relationship in your life.

"Beverly Engel has eloquently explained the power of apology in a remarkably insightful and perceptive manner. No one has been better able to explain what an apology means and its role in reconciliation."
-Rabbi Charles A. Klein, author of How to Forgive When You Can't Forget: Healing Our Personal Relationships

"Readers of this wise and lucid guide to the neglected art of authentic apology will acquire a powerful tool to help repair relationships with others and with themselves."
-Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., author of Forgiving and Not Forgiving: A New Approach to Resolving Intimate Betrayal

"An engaging and in-depth book on a subject that has rarely been addressed so intelligently and thoroughly. Ms. Engel offers the reader specific suggestions that can help you improve all your relationships."
-Steven Farmer, M.F.T., author of Adult Children of Abusive Parents

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

While forgiveness has become a ubiquitous theme in spirituality, recovery and New Age philosophy, the element of apology has been conspicuously absent. Engel (The Emotionally Abused Woman), a longtime therapist, takes it up as "a cause," claiming that this healing practice can prevent divorces, family estrangements, lawsuits and even atrocities like school shootings. Giving and receiving apologies for mistakes, oversights or offenses which many people avoid, sometimes for legal reasons are "crucial to our mental and physical health and well-being," she asserts. Failing to admit error and express regret "adds insult to injury" and "is one of the most blatant ways of showing disrespect," she says. Engel provides detailed information on how to make "meaningful apologies... that will be heard and believed," made up of the "three R's: regret, responsibility, and remedy." She is also unusually conscious of the gray areas, where apologizing or forgiving may be inappropriate or impossible, and where "overapologizing" may reflect low self-esteem. A particularly fresh and useful chapter on the workplace offers excellent practical advice for responding to unhappy clients, customers, co-workers, employers and employees. Unfortunately, Engel devotes little attention to the difficult task of asking for apologies, after declaring that "it is your responsibility" to do so when feeling injured. Her otherwise thorough and lucid guide to "this important but neglected aspect of forgiveness" will be welcomed by many who have struggled to ask forgiveness and to forgive.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

While forgiveness has become a ubiquitous theme in spirituality, recovery and New Age philosophy, the element of apology has become conspicuously absent. Engel (The Emotionally Abused Woman), a longtime therapist, takes it up as "a cause," claiming that this healing practice can prevent divorces, family estrangements, lawsuits, and even atrocities like school shooting. Giving and receiving apologies for mistakes, oversights or offenses-which many people avoid, sometimes for legal reasons-are "crucial to our mental and physical health and well-being," she asserts. Failing to admit error and express regret "adds insult to injury" and "is one of the most blatant ways of showing disrespect," she says. Engel provides detailed information on how to make "meaningful apologies that will be heard and believed," made up of the "three R's: regret, responsibility, and remedy." She is also unusually conscious of the gray areas, where apologizing or forgiving may be inappropriate or impossible, and where "overapologizing" may reflect low self-esteem. A particularly fresh and useful chapter on the workplace offers excellent practical advice for responding to unhappy clients, customers, co-workers, employers and employees. Unfortunately, Engel devotes little attention to the difficult task of asking for apologies, after declaring that "it is your responsibility" to do so when feeling injured. Her otherwise thoughtful and lucid guide to "this important but neglected aspect of forgiveness" will be welcomed by many who have struggled to ask forgiveness and to forgive. (Aug. 24) (Publishers Weekly--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Wiley; 1 edition (July 19, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0471218928
• ISBN-13: 978-0471218920
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.8 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #431,997 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars FABULOUS BOOK--A MUST-READ!, November 4, 2001

By 

Sharon O'Shea, MS (Las Vegas, NV USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships (Hardcover)

Thank God for this insightful, life-transforming book by Ms. Engel! Reading this book was like
receiving rain in the desert in the heat of summer! While embroiled in a troublesome situation,
after reading this book, I finally understood why asking for an apology is mandatory in certain
situations, and why receiving a bitter, insincere apology feels insulting and annoying and serves
only to escalate the problem, creating more ill-will and distancing. I also learned what the

elements of an effective apology are, and why not receiving a sincere, heart-felt apology makes
one increasingly angry, resentful and frustrated. Thanks to Ms. Engel, I now understand why
simply "glossing over" or "pretending it never happened" isn't a healthy, viable option when one
has been grossly insulted or mistreated, as well as why apologizing enhances, rather than
diminishes, the one who apologizes. For anyone who wants to understand the inner-workings
and dynamics of healthy relationships, and desires to understand when, where and how a sincere
apology fits into all of this, thereby improving the quality of his/her own relationships, this is a
must-read book!

14 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Emotional, Relationship, and Physical Healing from Apologies, August 1, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 100 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships (Hardcover)

Review Summary: This book will greatly expand your understanding of the uses and benefits of apologies, and how to give, receive, and ask for apologies. The Power of Apology is filled with exercises that will focus you attention on where you need to improve, and practical advice for how to accomplish those needed adjustments.

Review: The book's topic is based on Ms. Engel's powerful experience with receiving an apology from her mother for having emotionally abused Ms. Engel. This relationship had gotten so bad that Ms. Engel had written a book about how she had divorced her mother. As a result of the apology, the two women enjoyed a warm relationship for the remaining three years of her mother's life.

Ms. Engel is a psychotherapist who often deals with the problems experienced by victims of child abuse and their families. In many cases the victims were girls and are now women, and the abusers are their fathers. Needless to say, these are very strained relationships and the book is filled with examples of how apologies have helped overcome some pretty awful family experiences.

Although she likes apologies a lot, Ms. Engel requires that the apologies be geniune. She also doesn't think that every wrong can be righted by an apology. But she does point out in a way that impressed me that while most religions teach forgiveness, they don't give enough specifics on how to perform that forgiveness. There are seven obstacles to overcome: anger, fear, pride, black-and-white thinking, unreasonable expectations of others, sitting in judgment, and lack of empathy.

I was especially pleased to see that the book also took the time to talk about how to teach children about apologizing, and the special issues involved in apologies in business situations.

What I most learned from the book was what my good and bad apology patterns are. I especially found the advice helpful about separating "being right" in your mind from noticing when an apology is called for.

The book is filled with lists, principles, and academic studies showing the emotional, physical, and relationship benefits of apologies.

Since most of us need some help with apologies, each step (including preparation) is broken into tiny elements to make progress easier to understand and emotionally easier to do.

After you have finished enjoying and applying this book, I suggest that you think about who else would enjoy this book, and share what you learned from the book with them.

Get it off your chest!

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars What a REAL apology looks like- giving and accepting one, December 16, 2004

By 

Sister Renee Pittelli "Author of Breaking the... (Gloryland, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships (Paperback)

Beverly Engel is a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the fields of relationships, women's issues, and abuse. In her previous book, "Divorcing A Parent", she describes her own painful decision to divorce her mother because of continual abuse. After she wrote that book, her mother bought it and read it. Her mother then apologized to the author and changed her behavior, and they have since reconciled. This book, The Power of Apology, was then written, to encourage others to heal themselves and those they have hurt by apologizing, and to encourage the victim to try to accept the apology.

I frequently recommend this book in my ministry, Luke 17:3 Ministries, for adult children of abusive or controlling birth-families. It is very useful in teaching us to recognize a GENUINE apology which may open the door for a reconciliation and loving relationship, as opposed to a "fake" apology, which will usually only set us up for more hurt down the road.

The author explores some reasons why people won't apologize, such as pride, fear of giving up power, thinking an apology is a sign of weakness, etc. She teaches you how to ask for an apology.

She discusses the right way and wrong ways to apologize, meaningless or fake apologies, apologies without remorse, apologies delivered through clenched teeth and bumbled apologies like the conditional apology ("I'm sorry, but...") , the half-apology ("I'm sorry you feel bad), and the apology in which the wrongdoer trivializes the damage he caused.

We are told the necessary ingredients in a meaningful apology are regret, responsibility, and remedy, and that the offender should make no excuses.

We are helped to accept apologies with forgiveness and some obstacles to forgiveness are discussed, such as anger, pain, fear of being hurt again, and pride.

The author distinguishes between spiritual forgiveness and human forgiveness, and makes the point that reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same. She includes "When Sorry Isn't Good Enough", "When Expecting Forgiveness Can Be an Insult"," and "When Forgiveness Is Unhealthy."

The book talks about making amends, and healing your family when there has been an estrangement. The Power of Apology teaches healing steps to transform all your relationships, and hopefully bring your family back together.