Customer Reviews

The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Thank God for this insightful, life-transforming book by Ms. Engel! Reading this book was like
receiving rain in the desert in the heat of summer! While embroiled in a troublesome situation,
after reading this book, I finally understood why asking for an apology is mandatory in certain
situations, and why receiving a bitter, insincere apology feels insulting and annoying and serves
only to escalate the problem, creating more ill-will and distancing. I also learned what the

elements of an effective apology are, and why not receiving a sincere, heart-felt apology makes
one increasingly angry, resentful and frustrated. Thanks to Ms. Engel, I now understand why
simply "glossing over" or "pretending it never happened" isn't a healthy, viable option when one
has been grossly insulted or mistreated, as well as why apologizing enhances, rather than
diminishes, the one who apologizes. For anyone who wants to understand the inner-workings
and dynamics of healthy relationships, and desires to understand when, where and how a sincere
apology fits into all of this, thereby improving the quality of his/her own relationships, this is a
must-read book!

Review Summary: This book will greatly expand your understanding of the uses and benefits of apologies, and how to give, receive, and ask for apologies. The Power of Apology is filled with exercises that will focus you attention on where you need to improve, and practical advice for how to accomplish those needed adjustments.

Review: The book's topic is based on Ms. Engel's powerful experience with receiving an apology from her mother for having emotionally abused Ms. Engel. This relationship had gotten so bad that Ms. Engel had written a book about how she had divorced her mother. As a result of the apology, the two women enjoyed a warm relationship for the remaining three years of her mother's life.

Ms. Engel is a psychotherapist who often deals with the problems experienced by victims of child abuse and their families. In many cases the victims were girls and are now women, and the abusers are their fathers. Needless to say, these are very strained relationships and the book is filled with examples of how apologies have helped overcome some pretty awful family experiences.

Although she likes apologies a lot, Ms. Engel requires that the apologies be geniune. She also doesn't think that every wrong can be righted by an apology. But she does point out in a way that impressed me that while most religions teach forgiveness, they don't give enough specifics on how to perform that forgiveness. There are seven obstacles to overcome: anger, fear, pride, black-and-white thinking, unreasonable expectations of others, sitting in judgment, and lack of empathy.

I was especially pleased to see that the book also took the time to talk about how to teach children about apologizing, and the special issues involved in apologies in business situations.

What I most learned from the book was what my good and bad apology patterns are. I especially found the advice helpful about separating "being right" in your mind from noticing when an apology is called for.

The book is filled with lists, principles, and academic studies showing the emotional, physical, and relationship benefits of apologies.

Since most of us need some help with apologies, each step (including preparation) is broken into tiny elements to make progress easier to understand and emotionally easier to do.

After you have finished enjoying and applying this book, I suggest that you think about who else would enjoy this book, and share what you learned from the book with them.

Get it off your chest!

Beverly Engel is a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the fields of relationships, women's issues, and abuse. In her previous book, "Divorcing A Parent", she describes her own painful decision to divorce her mother because of continual abuse. After she wrote that book, her mother bought it and read it. Her mother then apologized to the author and changed her behavior, and they have since reconciled. This book, The Power of Apology, was then written, to encourage others to heal themselves and those they have hurt by apologizing, and to encourage the victim to try to accept the apology.

I frequently recommend this book in my ministry, Luke 17:3 Ministries, for adult children of abusive or controlling birth-families. It is very useful in teaching us to recognize a GENUINE apology which may open the door for a reconciliation and loving relationship, as opposed to a "fake" apology, which will usually only set us up for more hurt down the road.

The author explores some reasons why people won't apologize, such as pride, fear of giving up power, thinking an apology is a sign of weakness, etc. She teaches you how to ask for an apology.

She discusses the right way and wrong ways to apologize, meaningless or fake apologies, apologies without remorse, apologies delivered through clenched teeth and bumbled apologies like the conditional apology ("I'm sorry, but...") , the half-apology ("I'm sorry you feel bad), and the apology in which the wrongdoer trivializes the damage he caused.

We are told the necessary ingredients in a meaningful apology are regret, responsibility, and remedy, and that the offender should make no excuses.

We are helped to accept apologies with forgiveness and some obstacles to forgiveness are discussed, such as anger, pain, fear of being hurt again, and pride.

The author distinguishes between spiritual forgiveness and human forgiveness, and makes the point that reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same. She includes "When Sorry Isn't Good Enough", "When Expecting Forgiveness Can Be an Insult"," and "When Forgiveness Is Unhealthy."

The book talks about making amends, and healing your family when there has been an estrangement. The Power of Apology teaches healing steps to transform all your relationships, and hopefully bring your family back together.

I'm so happy to have read this book - I was able to put the tools to use almost immediately to improve some of my past relationships that had ended on a bad note (either because of an argument or misunderstanding). This book motivated me to offer apologies to those I had hurt in the past, and the author is right - it's amazing how years of pent-up anger and frustration can melt away with a sincere, meaningful apology.

Having issues with someone who won't apologize? Give them this book, and read it yourself. It may resolve your issues.

Thank God for this insightful, life-transforming book by Ms. Engel! Reading this book was like
receiving rain in the desert in the heat of summer! While embroiled in a troublesome situation,
after reading this book, I finally understood why asking for an apology is mandatory in certain
situations, and why receiving a bitter, insincere apology feels insulting and annoying and serves
only to escalate the problem, creating more ill-will and distancing. I also learned what the

elements of an effective apology are, and why not receiving a sincere, heart-felt apology makes
one increasingly angry, resentful and frustrated. Thanks to Ms. Engel, I now understand why
simply "glossing over" or "pretending it never happened" isn't a healthy, viable option when one
has been grossly insulted or mistreated, as well as why apologizing enhances, rather than
diminishes, the one who apologizes. For anyone who wants to understand the inner-workings
and dynamics of healthy relationships, and desires to understand when, where and how a sincere
apology fits into all of this, thereby improving the quality of his/her own relationships, this is a
must-read book!

Kate Reading narrates this classic account of discovering the healing power of apology. This outlines healing steps which may be taken to transform relationships, outlining common barriers to healing and how to overcome them. Reading's voice keeps the simple lessons easy.

I was disappointed in this book. It doesn't say anything most of us don't know. It could have been summed up in five pages or less, too. The sort of people who don't apologize or who give insincere apologies or who demand instant forgiveness also know this stuff and would not read a book like this even if they didn't. I'm surprised this one found a publisher.

Beverly Engel has written many other books that are indispensable. Try The Emotionally Abused Woman or Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman instead. Divorcing a Parent is also very good.

I was hugely disappointed that the author seemed to repudiate much of what she wrote in Divorcing a Parent in this book, because her own abusive parent finally apologized to her. Whatever she believes about that turn of events or is tempted to believe, I don't think it should have generated another book. It almost seems like a betrayal of her readers, most of whom will not be receiving any such apologies and who may struggle for years to find the strength to cut ties with abusive parents - using her books to shore them up in ways society doesn't.