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...and then I was asked to join the Avengers
on February 21, 2012
Ok, so I saw this online for only a dollar. I figured I'd give it a try, I mean, professional baseball players and NFL athletes were endorsing it, so clearly it wasn't just a silicone band with a hologram sticker, right? Well, upon arrival and trying it out, I was sadly disappointed. I tried lifting my car, but it wouldn't budge. I tried jumping over my garage, instead I just looked like an idiot (in front of my cute neighbor) by slamming into the garage door. I was sadly disappointed, but figured it looked cool anyway, so I left it on when I went to sleep. This is when things got serious.
That night I was restless and woke up with the sweats. Upon glancing down, the Power Balance band was glowing and emitting this entrancing sound. Upon gazing into the hologram I saw a very odd looking creature holding a Power Balance band identical to the one I was wearing. Upon looking closer, I realized I was actually being sucked into the hologram! At first I resisted, but a soothing voice told me that everything would be okay, and that I had passed the initial test and that I was one of the chosen. I was trained in the hologram for what felt like years and given special abilities to take back home. After being commissioned into the Power Balance band League of the Chosen, I was sent back to my bed. The crazy thing was, no time had passed between when I was sucked into the band and when I was released. I though it all a dream and went back to sleep.
Upon awaking the next day, I found that I wasn't hungry. So I decided to go for a jog. That's when my entire world was flipped upside down. As I drove to the metropark's jogging trail, I saw a police car speed by me. Being the curious natured individual I am, I decided to follow him. He ended up pulling up to a bank surrounded by about 15 police officers and a S.W.A.T. truck. Apparently four heavily armed individuals had taken hostages at the local Chase bank and were going to execute one every hour if the police didn't give in to their demands. Suddenly, my Power Balance Band started humming. A bright light engulfed my body and I found myself wearing a Superman like outfit, except instead of red and blue, it was white on white, just like my Power Balance band! Everyone was astounded as I walked up to the door and flung it open. I hardly knew what I was doing, but my instincts had set it! Immediately, I saw one of the gunmen holding my cute neighbor hostage with a gun to the back of her head. She looked into my eyes and I saw a mixture of bewilderment and raging sexual passion. I then heard her whisper "David...is that you?" Before I could do anything, the bank robber pulled the trigger. In the time it took for the bullet to leave the chamber, under a thousandth of a second, I had made my way across the room and spun the gun around, facing the gunman. The police chalked it up as a suicide.
After flying away and stopping a terrorist attack on the Eiffel Tower, I returned home to figure out how to revert back to my usual self. Upon landing in my back yard, the White on White Power Balance suit disappeared. So there I was, locked outside my house, and the kicker, I was naked. Then I heard a voice. It was my neighbor. She was on her porch staring at me in awe. Apparently, the Power Balance band also...what's the proper word?..."adds" to pre-existing bodily extensions. Needless to say, we got it on. Hard. After hours and hours of lovemaking, we decided to start dating. I bought her a Power Balance band the next day, and now we avert world disasters and terrorist acts together. And the sex...PHENOMENAL.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is the greatest dollar I've ever invested in anything. Seriously, try it out for yourself.
(Upon reading this out loud to myself, I realize it sounds like a crock full of horse crap, but I'm super serious. This all happened. You want proof? You remember that fire that happened at your school last week, killing 16 students? Oh, you don't? Yea, you're welcome.)
In all reality, it's a fashion statement, not much else.