Customer Reviews

The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids

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I picked this book up almost by accident. But boy, am I glad I did. In "The Price of Privilege" (246 pages), author Madeline Levine, an accomplished psychologist who excels in dealing with troubled teenagers, examines the dangers and effects of teenagers growing up in an affluent environment. ("Affluent" is defined as a household earning $120,000 and more.)

I have to say that I was blown away by the observations in this book, even if, thankfully, I certainly have not experienced the worst-case scenarios described in this book with my own kids, who are now 19 and 16. Among many other things, Levine explains how "rewarding" kids by promising material things ("if you get an "A" on your test, I will buy you X or Y") has a long-term negative effect on kids. Levine also goes into depth about internal vs. external motivation, and why praise is often "bad" warmth for kids. As to "chasing perfection", Levine observes that "the pursuit of perfection is a diversion from the messiness of real life". So true! The main proposition made by the author is that, while of course it is important that we put our kids in a position to get good grades, even more important is that we help our kids with building their inner "self", which will prepare them for the long term. Reason why overinvolvement in our kids' lives is actually counterproductive.

I cannot emphasize enough what a wonderful job Levine does in describing the dangers of putting too much pressure on our kids. Which does not mean that she endorses a "slacker" attitude either. This book is about how we can best prepare our affluent kids for the long term. And it's not like the author is making a hypothetical or theoretical or academic case, giving ample real life evidence from her own practice and from studies around the country. I certainly recognized mistakes I have made, which I now wish I could've avoided, making me wonder wishfully, where was this book when I really needed it 5 or 10 years ago...

This is an excellent book about how the affluent have adopted undermining values (perfectionism, materialism) and how it negatively affects parenting style and causes psychological neurosis among teens. I am the parent of a teenage daughter who goes to a public high school in Marin County. Thus, we live in the social milieu described by Dr. Levine. The book content was both shocking and revealing to me. When I shared some of Dr. Levine's findings that I could not believe I would ask my daughter about them. Invariably, she confirmed that Dr. Levine was correct. That's how I found out that one of my daughter's acquaintances did cut herself frequently. That's also when I knew that Dr. Levine was onto something and not just sensationalizing another marketable myth about Marin County. Also, this book really is not about Marin County as it depicts a nationwide prevalent phenomenon of teenage psychological dysfunction among the affluent.

The book's main thesis is that teenagers from affluent families suffer more intense psychological problems than anyone thought. Her findings reflects her 25 years of experience as a psychologist working with children in Marin County and her reviewing related clinical studies on the subject. Dr. Levine has extensively referenced the material of the book. Thus, her thesis and arguments are well supported by contemporary psychological research.

The book includes four parts. The first part diagnoses the psychological problems affecting teenagers from affluent families. The second part reviews how our material culture contributes to undermining the development of the inner self. The third part provides recommendation on how to parent to overcome cultural hurdles and develop healthy children. The fourth part reflects on how you have to develop your own strength and independence before you can impart those qualities to your kids. The first three sections overlap a lot as diagnostics of affluent teenagers problems, criticism of our materialistic society, and advice on parenting are peppered throughout the book regardless of the section. Somehow, the liquidity in categorization of the topic does not detract in the book's readability.

Dr. Levine mentions two key factors leading to dysfunctional teen among the affluent: The first is achievement pressure. The second is emotional isolation from parents. She observed that parents are over involved as far as grades and performance are involved but they are often too busy for down to earth conversation with their teens that would help their inner self growth.

The parents' focus on performance leads to the kids' perfectionism that leads to serious problems. Dr. Levine observed that studies uncovered a strong relationship between perfectionism and suicide among teens that are gifted. It is not the parents' high expectations that are the culprit, but when parental love becomes conditional to the child's achievement.

Within the third chapter of this section, Dr. Levine studies the counterintuitive disconnect between money and happiness. Once basic needs are met, apparently surplus money does not make people happier. Dr. Levine has reviewed cross lateral and longitudinal scientific studies that confirm that. For example, the Irish apparently are happier than the Germans and the Japanese. Yet, the Irish GDP per capita is about less than half the Germans or Japanese. Americans are not happier today than they were a generation ago even though their GDP per capita (adjusted for inflation) has nearly doubled.

In the third part of the book, Dr. Levine analyzes parenting by referring to the seminal research of Dr. Baumrind who established the foundation of psychological studies on parenting. Dr. Baumrind differentiates between three parenting style: 1) authoritarian, 2) permissive, and 3) authoritative.

The Authoritarian parent adopts a military style. They think of the child strictly as a subordinate. The parents order, the child obeys. And, that's it. This typically leads to terrible problems during the teen years. Either the teen violently explode out of rebellion or he breaks down. Such teens have often low self esteem, poor social skills, and a high rate of depression. Such child often lacks curiosity and creativity and is unable to explore and develop his inner self.

The Permissive parent is very loving and caring but short on discipline. They think of the child as a friend. The resulting teen is often likable and has high self-esteem. But, they tend to be impulsive, immature, and lack awareness of the responsibility of their own action. They also have lower rates of academic achievement and higher rates of substance abuse.

The Authoritative parent is warm and accepting, but they set clear expectations and limits. They place a high value on cooperation, responsibility, and self-regulation. They value achievement and self-motivation but do not emphasize competition. Authoritative parents promote autonomy by encouraging children to figure it out on their own whenever they can. Such parents support the child's growing autonomy by focusing both on independence and connection. As expected, such household foster better overall child development with lower rate of depression and substance abuse than either of the other two parenting styles. Autonomy, not dependency, is always the goal of such parenting style.

If you have a daughter, I also strongly recommend Louann Brizendine "The Female Brain." She dedicates an excellent chapter to the "Teen Brain." This book informs that female teen behaviors are not only a function of the social milieu but are strongly influenced by an abrupt change in hormonal levels. We all know that. But, Brizendine really educates one in detail about the process and how to deal with it. Some of us need all the help we can get, right!?

Am writing this review for my wife who won't take the time to put this book down since picking it up yesterday. She's shown me enough bits and pieces that I'll do the writing.
When I first saw the title, I sighed. Another book on poor, spoiled rich kids.
We don't think of ourselves as "affluent" but our children certainly are privileged and Dr. Levine gets right to the point. The issue isn't money, but what we do and what we neglect to do for our kids. More time, the wonderful phrase "inviting, listening presence" and less time sticking our noses into every bit of our kids lives. I particualry liked the clear suggestions about how to handle the inevitable problems of adolesence and the difficulties of being parent whether one has a few extra bucks or is just making ends meet.

A good book not only for the "affluent" but for anyone who has paid enough attention to know that all is not right with our culture, values and parenting skills.
Highly recommended.

I am neither an educator nor in the mental health field, I'm simply a parent who tries to read widely. I think the premise of this book is quite interesting, it's certainly an easy read, and the book does articulate a set of problems that privileged kids are faced with. But as is typical with social psychology books, it's overburdened by too many anecdotal stories that describe similar problems without explaining the underlying issues. The parents are universally painted as self-centered and too busy yet expecting the best for and of their progeny; is this really the cause, or are there other downsides of privilege tied to larger social phenomena?

This should have stayed a magazine-length article but has been padded to be book-length, with the price tag adjusted accordingly. Borrow it from a friend.

This is one of the the few parenting books I've actually read cover to cover. As the father of three young children, I find that most authors are in love with their words and give too many examples, when I have too little time to read. Dr. Levine's slim volume doesn't skimp on the facts or on the suggestions, but never dallies. Certainly, she knows, that for the most part, her audience is busy and often overwhelmed.
I found this book useful for two reasons in particular. First, Dr. Levine does an outstanding job of presenting the facts. While everyone seems to have an opinion about what's wrong with the current generation _- too spoiled, too lazy, too indulged- Dr. Levine sticks to what we actually do know about the adjustment of affluent kids, and that is that they are often unhappy. And that their unhappiness stems from having too much of the wrong things (pressure and material goods) and too little of the things that kids really need (acceptance, limits, challenge). I suspect that to many of us this is not entirely a surprise
Which brings me to the second thing I really liked about this book. In spite of bringing foward a host of rather disturbing realities, The Price of Privilege never feels depressing or makes you feel like you really screwed up. On the contrary, Dr. Levine's generous sharing of family incidents, as well as her empathy and humor, keep us feeling that with just a few adjustments we can do a much better job.
Truthfully, I believe her.

While most of the reviews have focused on Dr. Levine's acumen in dealing with teens, I have to say that this book was most helpful to me because of the way it deals with the problems of moms. I have two daughters, one troubled, one not. I've always been made to feel that my troubled daughter is somehow the result of awful parenting decisions I've made. Dr. Levine has helped me sort out the mistakes I've made, both with my daughter and myself, while maintaing perspective about the fact that not all things are in my control. Her warmth comes through on every page (not incidentally, she considers warmth "the silver bullet" of healthy relationships). But also her ability to stand in the shoes of often beleagured moms, without being critical or condescending, makes it easy to take her advice.
Makes me wish she wish she lived down the street. Great and useful and ultimately optimistic book.

As someone who has studied motherhood intensively for four years (and lived it for seven!) I wish I had a 10-star review in my back pocket to award to "The Price of Privilege." Dr. Madeline Levine provides a compelling body of work to fill in a missing piece of the current round of discussions about modern parenting among privileged families. Through my own work and life experience, I have come to the realization that highly educated, professional women face a specific set of challenges when they make the transition to motherhood. Our culture makes it very difficult to stay authentic to our selves and avoid the traps of perfectionism. Dr. Levine does women a real service by taking these challenges seriously rather than dismissing them. Contrary to much popular wisdom, she describes a generation of upper-middle-class kids as a new type of "at risk" child who is particularly prone to emotional disorders. (In a radio interview she said that these kids had previously been used as a control group in studies of low-income "at risk" kids, until the researchers astutely observed that the privileged kids had challenges of their own.) "The Price of Privilege" will be appreciated by readers in different ways. Levine draws upon her 25 years of clinical work with teens to provide perspective and developmentally appropriate parenting strategies. For readers with teenagers, the focus on the kids may be most appropriate. For parents of younger children, I highly recommend the book for the chapter on mothering, "Having Everything Except What We Need Most: The Isolation of Affluent Moms." In the media, the concerns of affluent women are often dismissed as whining and complaining from a group of women who "have it all." Dr. Levine gives these concerns her compassionate attention. She skillfully negotiates the boundary between bringing these concerns to light while doing her best to avoid blaming women for all that is wrong in families. Levine says that "My hope is that every mother who reads this chapter feels the sense of relief that comes when what we intuitively know to be true is recognized and validated." Thank you, Madeline Levine, for putting new life and gravitas into the old saying, "When Mama ain't happy, nobody ain't happy."

I bought this book after hearing about it on the Diane Rehm show on NPR. The book is a mix of research summaries, case studies, and the author's insights.

As a parent who hates to discipline, the book was a good reminder of why discipline is necessary and also why it is so difficult. The book made me reflect on many other issues - including the difference between spending time with my kids and connecting with them. The book also did a great job in describing why providing an environment where a child can work on his/her inner self is very important, and that pressuring a child to excel in various areas may be counterproductive.

As mentioned in other reviews, this book is written with compassion rather than criticism for parents, particularly with sensitivity to issues of mothers in today's world.

Don't judge this book by its title. Parents at every income level will find it helpful. Although the book focuses somewhat on the emotional problems of priveleged youth, The Price of Privelege is a goldmine of valuable information and advice on parenting that we ALL could use. As a child psychologist, I have worked with children and families from all walks for life for the last 12 years. I have seen parents at all income levels make the same mis-steps that Levine talks about. Levine lays out, very clearly, why so much of what parents currently believe to be "good" parenting is at best unhelpful, and at worst destructive (news flash: controlling your child's behavior will help him/her be a happier person and do better in college; praise undermines confidence and effort; self-esteem is not as important as you think it is; chores are good for children).

Dr. Levine wants all children to grow up to be happy, self-actualized, creative, independent people, having satisfying relationships and doing creative work that they love. She lays out very cogently why parenting that is warm and loving, but not controlling, leeds to poor outcomes for children; why allowing children to make mistakes and suffer the consequences is good for their self-confidence; and why "encouraging" children can leed them to feel turned off, burnt out, and empty.

This may be the only parenting book you wil need.

I was fortunate enough to be given an advance copy of Madeline Levine's new book, The Price of Privilege. While her careful research certainly gave this book more credibility than similar books which are more about a single author's perspective, it is her practical advice that I found most helpful. Does a sixteen year old still need a curfew, do you have to confront your kid when you find a bottle of vodka or a joint in her room? Her ability to answer questions like these and to present a framework for answering the hundreds of other questions that come up when you're trying to parent a sometimes rebellious teen were invaluable. All this in a readable, empathic tone that makes you feel like she live next door.
As for the "culture of affluence," my husband and I decided quite a while ago that we did not want our kids immersed in materialism at the expense of family and community involvment. Dr. Levine has made it even clearer why kids need love, limits and involvement, not indulgence and pressure.