Customer Reviews

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child

5 star:		(76)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(14)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(16)

 

 

As an adoptee, I could not have written this book better myself. It is an extremely insightful book which opened up a world of understanding to myself and also to my loved ones. It helped me understand why I am the way that I am, why I do some of the things that I do, why I struggle with love in my life, and why I have this subconscious fear of abandonment and trust.

This book is a definite "must read" for all parents of adopted children. I know that as a parent you will resist believing in the Primal Wound but you must for the benefit of your children. You will learn to understand your adopted children and will be able to help them throughout their lives - sometimes even in the smallest way, i.e. the simple reassurance that you WILL return home after work.

I met my birth family at 30 years old. Then I read this book a few years later. This book made a difference in my life. It will make a difference in your life, too. Enjoy!

Thank you Nancy Newton Verrier!!

I have read many books on adoption. This is my favorite. Upfront, smart, insightful work. I admire this book for not being afraid of the criticism it may receive for being too acurate, too honest, too exposing of our society's slow pulling up of it's socks with regards to acknowledging adoption as a period of trauma for the infant and not simply a time of celebration for infertile couples wanting children.

It felt as though Verrier took the hand of my young adopted self and walked me through my entire life. My copy is severely highlighted with "yes", "yes" written at least once in each margin. If that weren't enough, Verrier then guides us through the search and reunion process, which was the area I had been looking for help with. It seemed as though she had witnessed the intricacies of my own reunion process...for there it was spelled out on the page. The book also provides some great insight into the delicacies of the triad relationships (adoptee/birth parents/adoptive parents) during the reunion process, suggesting ways to move toward solid relationships. Finally, Verrier offers the adoptee real usable tools for mourning his/her deep loss so that he/she can slowly remove adoption related roadblocks in his/her adult life.

To the non-adopted eye, the book may seem repetitive in places, but this book was built for the adoptee. The repetition is reassuring and appropriate. If Verrier hadn't so accurately described my experience as an adoptee: my difficulty with my own birthday parties, my inability to react to the news of my grandmother's death, my terror of being separated from my adoptive mother on the first day of nursury school and my inexplicable deep childhood sadness(to name a few), I may not have believed that she knew what she was talking about. It's all there. See for yourself. This book is a friend; the boyscout handbook for the adopted. To anyone adopted: I recommend keeping a copy in your back pocket.

Thank you Nancy Newton Verrier. We have been waiting for this.

I am an adoptee, who as an adult has searched for and found my birth family. I am also an adoptive father, my son being a teenage adoptee. I found this book to be the most insightful book on adoption that I have ever read. This book, like fine art, speaks to the essence of our being. It speaks to the adoptee primarily, but also to the adoptive parent and birth parent. The truths found in this book are basic and undeniable on the primal level. However, triad members often do attempt to deny them on an intellectual (conscience) level all the time. This denial sets up the basic tension or unspoken problems of adoption. The answer is in speaking about them and adressing them head on. Difficult at best. Nancy Verrier's premise of the primal wound may be difficult for the triad members to accept, but for the adoptee it hits home. I am not completely convinced of the "primal wound" concept, but I am convinced that the problems and struggles that Nancy describes are real. The thoughts and feelings of adoptees are accurately described by Nancy. All adoptees know in their "heart of hearts" that these feelings and thoughts are real. How each adoptee deals with this reality is unique to each individual. Critics may call this book pop psychology, however, the Nancy has accurately described the problems that adoptees experience, this is reality not pop psychology. The symptoms and problems are real and must be acknowledged and dealt with if adoptees are to heal. I would recommend this book to all adoptees. The courageous will use this information to improve their lives and those of their fellow triad members. I wish all who read this book the best as they search for truth in their own adoption issues. Thank you Nancy for your insightful and beatiful work of courage and love.

I purchased this book during a very emotional time of my life which included seeking out my birth mother. I am ADD and normally read a book about three pages then fall asleep. This book, however, had me nodding my head, saying yes and feeling validated for those things I had felt through most of my life and finished within 24 hours.

Verrier has a good thought on this whole adoption thing. For those of us that were adopted during the dark ages of secrecy and the idea that adoption should be kept secret, this is a good book for those of us with conflicting feelings.

While this may not apply to all adoptees, and it certainly doesn't, it does ring true for many of us left with many unanswered questions as to why we are the way we are, who we are and why we may act out in ways our adoptive siblings and parents don't.

In all it's a good book to consider for the adoptee seeking answers, the adoptive parent who may need some insight, the sibling not connecting with their adoptive brother/sister, the spouse of an adoptee, etc....

Again, it doesn't fit everyone, no book like this does but for many of us this book explains a lot to our mental outlook. I don't think in life you can find any book that really can put people (whatever the classification) into one-size-fits all but this book fit me to a "T". Others may or may not be able to relate but worth the read if you are a member of the adoption triad.

This book has truly been a life saver! My adopted daughter is 27 and at her request, I found her birth mother. When I told her the news, she became quite defensive and we did not speak for two weeks..... that has NEVER happened. This book was recommended to me by an adopted adult and although I was convinced nothing would help - every word was an eye opener! My daughter's entire life was described in this book and my new revelation into her soul has enabled me to understand 27 years of questions within me that, although never posed an outward problem, needed to be answered. Now, because I understand what caused her reaction and have a new perspective on who she is, our relationship has been enhanced. Everything in this book fits! It opened so many doors and closed others! I recommend it to every family who is thinking about adopting... and every family who has adopted, no matter how long it has been.

As the mother of a 16 year old adopted daughter, I can vouch for the accuracy of much that this author writes of. I felt I was reading about our experience, and my child throughout most of this book.

This is not the pretty picture that most adoptive parents want to get of the dynamics set in place when we decide to build our families through adoption. Our sincere wish is that we will be good parents who raise healthy, well-adjusted children. I too thought that loving my daughter would be enough. I had no idea that it could never be enough.

I am grateful to have found this information at a time when my family is struggling through some very challenging times. And though I didn't like to hear all that Verrier had to say, I was relieved to finally begin to understand my child's behavior, and hopefully seek the right help for us all. I recommend this book to all adoptive parents, and anyone working with them.

I am a adopted adult that grew up troubled all my life when I read this book it validated all my feelings about being adopted.Nancy talks about why when two children are adopted how in almost all sitations one adoptee becomes a overachiever the other adoptee a rebel and under acheiver. most of what Nancy talks about most adoptees arent even aware they have a common characteristic with other adoptees until they read this book.I found the book to be very painful to read because I finally had my feelings validated, some adoptees will take this book with a grain of salt because they arent aware they have some issues and cannot recognize them.I find that the multi million dollar adoption industry in the US headed by Bill Pierce of the NCFA would not want anyone to read this book .but if you are an adoptee lost and dont know why you do the things you do read this book.you have to know whats wrong so you can fix it. this is the adult adoptees bible in my mind it changed my life.

Three words for this book-excellent,excellent and excellent. This book put all the pieces together for us and has help dramatically to understand and improve our relationship with our adopted son. To date, we have bought 11 books to give to friends and health care professionals. This book has saved our mental health and has changed our lives.

I am forever moved, forever enlightened, forever grateful, for this one written work. I am adopted; I am one in millions, who are adopted. I am also, one in 70% of us, who has never dealt with our identity crisis, our relationship issues, our demons. I am one, who finally wanted to find peace with my lack of identity. I am one, who after 45 years of testing every single person in my life, and their love, has said, I need to know why I am the way I am. This book, is like I was locked in a closet, and reading my deepest , darkest, secrets, the things I never could admit to myself....much less anyone else. This book, is "us" this book is a true, honest passage to a better way of life, for the adopted , and all the people who stand by us, no matter what , in their lives, by choice . We are loved, in great volume, but we never know it. This book makes us realize, and take notice, of the greatness we can be, and why we are not there yet. This book gives us freedom, from the guilt we feel, and it validates us, as a sub-culture, without identity. For the first time, in all my years, I understand my behavior....alone ..this is priceless. This
book, it is ... it is worth it.

I found this book to be very enlightening and would recommend it to all members of the triad - especially to adoptive parents and adoptees as it really offers a perspective that is seldom offered in other books on the subject of adoption. I am an adoptee who saw a great deal of myself and my adoptive brother described in the pages of that book. My birthmother and adoptive mother also found the book impactful. Too many books on adoption seem to me to be little more than psychodramas around reunions, or do not address what it must be like for a baby to be removed from the only world it knows, thrust into a new world where NOTHING familiar remains, and not able to process what is happening. I've seen this book both praised and criticized from those in adoption circles (newsgroups and the like). This "chosen baby" thanks Nancy Verrier for writing it and wishes she had written it years ago.