Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy [Paperback]

Frank Pittman (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 17, 1990

Why do half the people in marriages have affairs? What problems are they trying to solve?

Using actual case studies, as well as examples from music, literature, and film, Dr. Pittman identifies four basic patterns of infidelity—the accidental encounter, habitual philandering, marital arrangements, and romance—discussed how to limit the damage that affairs do, and offers practical suggestions on how to make a marriage work.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

For people who suspect their spouses are having a secret romantic affair, or are coping with the aftermath of one, this primer offers sensible counsel, albeit in pedestrian, chatty prose. From case studies of 100 adulterous couples whom he has treated, Pittman, a psychiatrist in Atlanta, draws profiles of four basic patterns of betrayal: accidental flings which "just happen"; habitual philandering, which he believes to be motivated by insecurity and fear of the opposite sex; crazy, in-love romantic states that cloud one's judgment; and marital arrangements ranging from sexual supplements to flamboyant revenge affairs. His deflation of "popular myths" about affairs is less than startling. More helpful are sections on what to look for in a marriage partner, dealing with jealousy, remarriage (unions between a divorcing partner and the "affairee" have a low success rate) and the traumatic effects of secret affairs on children. First serial to Self.
Copyright 1988 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

Dr. Pittman takes us on a remarkably informative foray into the unknown territory of marital infidelity. Private Lies manages to be delightfully readable, compassionate and awfully funny at the same time. (Maggie Scarf )

Private Lies is the Reconstruction, the National Recovery Act, and the Marshall Plan for families devastated by the flakiness and fluff of the Me Decade. It is a funny, personable, anecdotal yet clearly resounding, fundamental, visionary call for nothing so American as marriage and family. Pittman's program is an appeal through the last few centuries for those old American verities: truth, fidelity, and loyalty. The missiles that destroy the American family, the bombs dropped on the American home, the grenades that split us apart were the neurotic weapons of lies and deceptions. Truth, he tells us, and fidelity are the true and powerful weapons of peace, hope, and unity in the American family. A timely, courageous, necessary message. (Pat Conroy )

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Product Details

• Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company (November 17, 1990)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0393307077
• ISBN-13: 978-0393307078
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (38 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #134,713 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

51 of 52 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book probably saved my marriage., August 8, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy (Paperback)

After my marriage suffered from a devastating infidelity this book was the first and only trully helpful source of facts that helped me understand adultery. It talks about the 4 types of adultery and the reasons they may occur. The book provides information on potential for repairing the marriage (ie, is your unfaithful spouse a hopeless philanderer or a lost soul that might be saved with help.) Had I not found this book I certainly would not have the understanding of what happened in my marriage that I feel I now have. It helped me to find some peace and begin the healing process. Other books I read and the counselors I talked to were not able to help in this way. I feel Dr. Pittman is a leading expert who is much more knowledgeable regarding infidelity than the average marriage counselor out there. I strongly recommend it for anyone who has a marriage that has suffered from infidelity.

41 of 41 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Saving your sanity as you make sense of adultery, February 23, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy (Paperback)

This is the only book about betrayal that I recommend to therapists whole heartedly. Pittmans common sense views of the etiology, progression and healing of betrayal are absolutely refreshing. A key point that seems unique is Pittmans emphasis that the betrayed partner did not bring this on themselves. Currently, many authors and therapists insist that the faithful partner contributed to the others unfaithfulness in some significant way or it would never have happened. Unfortunately the battered soul of the offended partner is not only contending with terrible rejection, they are given the crushing judgement that some defect of theirs contributed to the betrayal. We wouldn't ask the victim of a mugging how they could have been more sensitive to the assailents needs to have prevented the crime. Pittmans book is a humane, reasonable and a common sense approach which helps allieviate much pain and calls the straying partner to account for his actions. Another insightful observation Pittman reveals is the re-writing of history that often goes on in the rationalization process of the adulterer. The common phrases, "Our marriage was over a long time before, we always had problems, she/he never loved me" may or may not be true. But generally in the presence of an affair, those statements make cheating a whole lot easier to do. Pittman asks, How trustworthy is the memory of a cheating partner. A sanity saving thought for the faithful partner who begins to suspect he was either living in another house, or lost his mind.For those who have been wounded the book offers great comfort, for those who cheated it offers an opportunity for accountability. Most of all it offers hope for many that marriages can be saved even after adultery. Pittmans book is a great tool to do precisely that. At this point I have found no better resource for those grappling with the aftermath of adultery.

46 of 47 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Probably the best available book on the subject, April 6, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy (Paperback)

Of the dozen or so books I've read on infidelity, this is by far the soundest--intellectually, morally, and practically. As a psychotherapist, a writer on psychology well-thought-of in some good circles, and a cuckold (hence my not giving my name), I think I can say that with some authority.

I'm not quite sure why therapists get utterly goofy when they start writing about infidelity, manufacturing nonsense about its always being a function of the marriage, or both parties having contributed. We wouldn't say those things about, say, wife beating, would we? Why say it about other egregious disrespect, damage, and betrayal of the entire marriage contract?

Pittman, with refreshing good sense, shoots down six common "myths about infidelity" and provides very sound analysis and advice. Frankly, I would rank this as one of the better pop books by anyone, on any subject, in matters of mental health. His comments on guilt and jealousy are among the best I've ever heard from a mental health type.

I have only two complaints:

First, Pittman feels compelled to give his own "typology" of affairs, and while it's better than any other I've seen, it's still artificial and doesn't encompass all the sorts of affairs that occur. You might not do well to fit yourself into his pigeonholes.

Second, like other Americans, Pittman for some reason feels the irrational need to deny that sex is at the heart of the damage done by infidelity. True, the lies and so forth are horrible. But let's face facts: We don't get nearly so hurt or angry about lies that have nothing to do with sexual betrayal. I guess Americans don't like talking about the elemental emotions that go with sex, even when we're talking about sex.

Maybe I'll have to write a book saying that monogamy is about sex, and what that means, and what it means that sexual betrayal is sexual. Until then, read Pittman's book. It's very sound.