Empower Yourself Through Profiling
PROFILING IS THE ONLY WAY to date. Nothing else is more empowering. Nothing else is more effective. Nothing else is more fun. Profiling Your Date is how I have dated; it's how I live; and it's how I found the love of my life. Even though men frustrated me at times, I loved them and couldn't stay away. I never gave up.
Profiling my dates has been a joy because it has allowed me to get to know the testosterone - ridden human being next to me. In writing this book, I wanted to provide a mix of fun and entertainment together with serious relationship information for serious relationship decisions. Date profiling is a unique and effective way of learning about a man in-depth and, if you choose, establishing an intimate connection with him.
I am a psychotherapist (P.C.C.), an educator (Ed.D.), and someone who knows dating. Through my personal and professional experience I have developed an approach to dating that will help you gain quick and easy insight into each of your dates to determine if he's the one for you.
Aside from the sources cited throughout Profiling Your Date, you'll also notice hypotheses based on experiences, as well as examplesthat highlight these experiences. The examples I use in this book are based on real-world themes but not on real people. In many cases, you'll find that either you or someone you know has gone through situations similar to the ones presented in this book.
Of course, every woman who dates tries to understand the man she's with. It's natural. People habitually perceive, judge, analyze, classify, and sometimes criticize. However, it's possible to create a more objective picture by using the tools and techniques of psychology and counseling theory. Now we can call on expert advice and research to add to our understanding of a man. By psychologically profiling the men we date, our perceptions become crisper, our judgments more accurate, our analyses wiser, and our classifications increasingly well defined.
Think Like a Therapist
THIS BOOK IS FOR all the smart women out there who want to draw on psychological information and are tired of silly dating strategies. Profiling Your Date gives you the kind of information you'd get if you were listening to a group of off-the-clock single psychotherapists chatting with their coworkers about last night's dates. This book gives you the information we in the field have, so that you can apply it to your own dating experiences.
I will give you a combination of clinical experience, personal experience, psychological theory and method, and research study results.
What Is Profiling?
PROFILING A MAN is a two-part process: The first part is getting to know the guy, and the second part is seeing if he's right for you. Asyou'll notice, the first part of profiling--getting to know him--is more objective than the second part, which is very subjective and personal.
GETTING TO KNOW THE GUY
Profiling a man means developing a breadth and depth of knowledge of his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It allows you to understand him and be able to grasp his perspective of the world and of relationships in particular. It's finding out what makes him tick.
You have the exciting task of sketching out a meaningful personality profile that accurately reflects the chosen man and shows your understanding of him. How many times have you woken out of a dead sleep with burning questions about someone you're seeing? Don't you just want to know--know why he's treating you this way, what he's thinking, and where he's coming from?
Profiling is a systematic process that allows you to develop the understanding that you crave. In this book, you'll discover explicit techniques to get him to open up, specific things to watch for in conversation and behavior, and what these things might mean.
You'll learn systematic ways to profile for:
• his degree of commitment readiness
• his aptitude for intimacy
• his likelihood of being a stalker, rapist, or abusive partner
• his chance of lying, being unfaithful, or carrying an STD
• his tendency toward big, bad personality problems like narcissism, paranoia, and sociopathy
• his moods
• his level of anxiety
• his wonderful qualities like warmth, authenticity, and openness
• his potential for fulfilling his potential
DETERMININE IF HE'S RIGHT FOR YOU
As you begin to have some sense of who he is, you are also figuring out if he's right for you. You're profiling to see if you fit together well.
At different points in the relationship, the question "Is he right for me?" can take on different meanings. The following relationship dilemmas are liable to kick your profiling skills into high gear:
• Do I want to go on a first date with him?
• What about the chemistry? Is there enough spark potential between us?
• How many dates should I give this before I cut it off?
• Should we break up or make up?
• Should I live with him?
• Should we get married?
As you learn new and more intimate things about this man over time, you'll go through the process of evaluating and reevaluating his rightness for you.
WHAT PROFILING CAN'T DO
Profiling Your Date is intended to be a down-and-dirty overview, not a comprehensive diagnostic or treatment guide. For that, you need to check into other sources. The list of references in the Notes section at the conclusion of this book should be a help to you. If you are looking for diagnosis and treatment, there is no substitute for you or your date consulting with a mental-health professional.
How Can Profiling Benefit Me?
THERE ARE SPECIFIC WAYS you can benefit from the profiling process.
PROFILING GIVES YOU AN INTENSITY OF UNDERSTANDING THAT WILL IMPRESS HIM
Profiling gives you depth of insight into his beliefs and behaviors that will blow him away. With incisive understanding, you'll break through his social veneer and get in touch with who he really is. And he will love it!
He will love it because he'll sense your interest in getting to know him and your growing awareness of who he is. As discussed in Chapter 2, "Getting into His Head and into His Heart," one of a man's greatest desires is to be understood by a woman. A feeling of empathy and warmth will wash over him as you gain understanding of him though profiling.
While profiling may sound as if it is intrusive, abrasive, and lacking in emotion, it is not. When you do it right, profiling is subtle and insinuating. There's delicacy in listening to and interpreting a man's words. There's grace in reading his body language. There's beauty in psychological awareness of another human being. You are not becoming an amateur therapist and analyzing every thought, word, or deed. You are fine-tuning your awareness of him so you can connect beyond a superficial level.
You have the opportunity to establish a connection between yourself and the man you choose. You can distinguish yourself by connecting with him at a deeper level. This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to talk to him about "deep" topics like life and death on the first date. The connection can start small--acknowledging that you get certain things about him. Over time, he'll notice not onlythat you're getting the small stuff but that you're perceptive enough to develop the big picture about him as well.
Where the connection you develop will lead is hard to say. For a romance to develop, there has to be more than understanding. You may find that you get him and can't stand what he's about. He also may not be making the attempt to understand you; however, this won't happen often.
In many cases you'll find that the connection you've established leads to a fantastic friendship or a wonderful relationship. As your relationship develops, don't stop the profiling, because it played some part in getting you to your current situation and can help maintain the understanding in your relationship.
PROFILING GIVES YOU COURAGE
Profiling gives you the courage to say, "Next!" which is not always easy. It can be an extremely gut-wrenching decision to pass on a guy, particularly if he's interested in you. There are pressures to couple up, and we have to deal with our feelings of loneliness and the very natural desire to share a life with someone.
Because profiling makes dating much clearer, you'll become more and more confident in your decision-making skills. When the unpleasant truth is staring you down, you'll rise to the challenge and muster the courage to make the appropriate decision. Being miserable with a man isn't an option, whether it's the first date or the first-year anniversary. Profiling brings clarity to your situation so you have to deal with it. Rather than settling for less than what you want, you will have the confidence to try again with someone else.
Happily, profiling also highlights goodness and can give you the courage to take a chance on a man. Due to bad experiences in the past, you may be overlooking some men with wonderful qualities. Or you may be just plain scared to grow the relationship beyond acertain point. Profiling sheds light on both of you so that you can move forward in a positive direction. It takes a lot of courage to take a chance on someone.
Last but not least, profiling builds your confidence so that you are less intimidated and more apt to try today's new dating venues.
Along with the old standbys like pubs and clubs, there are Internet...
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.