Customer Reviews

I Promise: How 5 Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage

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"For richer, for poorer; for better, for worse; in sickness and in health; `til death do us part," are the common promises that most of us make when we wed. However, in I Promise, Dr. Gary Smalley asserts that spouses need to make five more promises in marriage.

In the first third of the book, Dr. Smalley lays the foundation for his promises by explaining how these promises build security for both partners. Then he describes how to successfully change yourself so that you can fulfill the promises by changing your beliefs. He emphasizes how the power of what we believe about ourselves, our spouses, God, and life influences our actions and reactions.

The rest of the book discusses the five promises that will revolutionize marriage. These promises are radically tied to our Christian walk: the promise to conform our beliefs to God's truths; to be filled by God; to look at each trial as an instrument of growth from God; to communicate with love; and to serve the spouse throughout our lives.

Though many of us might think, "All right, Smalley, that's easy for you to say," he maintains that in most cases, changes in belief and behavior in one spouse will bring about changes in the other. Anecdotes from his practice and his life confirm his position.

Dr. Smalley writes in a down-to-earth, easy-to-read style with lots of stories supporting his principles. It's a very practical and useful book. This would be a helpful book for marriage counseling or pre-wedding counseling, for a married couple to read together, even for one spouse to read. It would be helpful for a Sunday school class, though it is not heavy on the Scripture. - Debbie W. Wilson, Christian Book Previews.com

What's more important in a marriage than learning a partner's love language, being proficient in conflict resolution or having great sex? According to popular author and speaker Dr. Gary Smalley in I PROMISE: How 5 Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage, the answer may be "security."

"Do you feel secure enough to open up and share who you really are, including your deepest thoughts, hopes and dreams without those uneasy feelings creeping in --- feelings that maybe you'll be blamed, criticized, condemned, judged, or ridiculed?" This is the sort of intimacy Smalley believes is necessary for the best marriages.

Security, he says, means keeping your promise to love your husband or your wife no matter what. "It doesn't matter if either of you loses your attractiveness, turns grumpy, sour, or uncommunicative, gets a debilitating illness, or falls into deep depression. You will love him. You will cherish her. You promised. And that promise gives your marriage security." The more secure each partner feels, the more their feelings of affection toward each other grow, Smalley writes. But if partners don't feel emotionally safe with each other, he believes it will put the marriage in jeopardy.

Smalley, the author of more than 40 marriage and parenting books (MAKING LOVE LAST FOREVER, THE BLESSING) makes his points with a winning combination of personal, sometimes vulnerable, anecdotes about his own marriage of 41 years. Particularly impressive is his willingness to share his own serious marital mistakes in the early years of his marriage, and a sweet testimonial to his wife Norma toward the end of the book. Smalley's anecdotes are often delivered with a good helping of humor and an ability to poke fun at his own marital misdeeds. He includes practical take-aways ("Becoming a student of your mate," "List your mate's positive qualities") so that his ideas can be easily understood and applied.

Some of his advice will feel familiar: "Make eye contact when you talk. Don't try and change your spouse, change yourself. Men need to be good communicators with their wives." Other ideas might be new to the reader: "Quit being a victim. Take responsibility for your own happiness." Each chapter ends with a teaser that gives the reader a taste of the next chapter.

Five of the chapters unpack five promises that Smalley says create security in marriage. Conform your beliefs to God's truths. Be filled with God. Find God's best in every trial. Listen and communicate with love. Serve your spouse. At the end of the book is an "I Promise Constitution," which both spouses are invited to sign.

Readers will find some stereotypes ("Women want to be attractive, men want to be strong" or "Girls, he loves it when you send out his clothes for cleaning, cook his favorite steak, or watch a ball game with him"). When talking about sticking by a spouse and letting difficult circumstances become "God's hammer strokes" to form in you the character of Christ, Smalley sidesteps the issues of what happens when a spouse is abused or repeatedly cheated on. Sometimes the tone becomes a little over the top: "The principle in the next chapter...offers a promise of fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams!" And far too much research cited ("Intimate talk increases a man's chances of staying healthy 500 percent") is not footnoted or part of the skimpy endnotes, so the reader has no idea specifically where the statistics or information came from.

But this book's core message about affirming commitment and establishing a secure marriage is a welcome one. Engaged couples, newlyweds and longtime married spouses will find ideas for creating deeper intimacy in this accessible book; pastors and marriage counselors will also pick up some tips to pass along to their parishioners and clients.

--- Reviewed by Cindy Crosby

This book was recommended on the website for the movie, "Fireproof" (www.fireproofthemovie.com). For anyone who's read Fireproof and would like a step-by-step example to work on your marriage ~ this is it! This book is equally useful for a couple that is newly engaged or married, in the "middle" of their married life, or seasoned pros. It has wonderful information and principles regardless if your marriage is strong or floundering, if both mates are equally yoked or imbalanced. Parts of this book stress our personal relationship with Christ and how it affects our relationship with our mate. I like that Dr. Smalley writes to both husbands and wives (with particular portions for each). This was inspiring!

If you are looking for a book on marriage, look no further. I have read this book over and over again. It has changed my thinking when it comes to how I treat my husband and how I want him to treat me. This book was given to us as a wedding present and I can say with confidence it is the best gift we received. I recommend this book to anyone who is getting married, or knows anyone who is getting married, married for 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years. Wonderful!

This book is great! I have read lots of relationship books looking for help with my relationship and none of them really helped. The Five Love Languages just made me want to tell my boyfriend everything he was doing wrong. And all other relationship books just seem to have this list of things that will be a miracle cure for problems in a relationship, but they never are! I worried about that with this book but it definitely proved me wrong!

I absolutely loved this book! It points out five basic ways that help you fix things. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and had been going through a tough last year constantly talking about breaking up. Finally it came to the point where it was going to be totally over. We took some time apart and I bought this book. It made a huge differnce for me! I realized all the things that I was doing wrong to hurt the relationship. I was always focusing on the negative and pointing out things that my boyfriend would do wrong. I love how the book really reminds you to look at yourself and fix your faults before going and trying to fix your significant others. All of the points are brought back to God, and I love that! It just makes it so much easier to follow than advice from some person. When your focus is brought to God and what God wants for you it makes it so much easier to fix your relationship or keep it going strong! There is not much scripture reference, but it is definitely God centered!

I absolutely loved this book and it definitely saved our relationship. If you are the person in a relationship having doubts and always looking at the negative and complaining, I would highly recommend this book. Chances are the relationship isn't as negative as you think and your significant other is not as bad as you make them seem! Read this book! Or if you are the one in the relationship opposite the complainer, this book is also great because it is really written from that person's point of view I felt. I think girls can tend to be the complainers and the book is written by a man so I think that is why. But all the points can help someone whose significant other is complaining and finding fault. It helps them remember to give them respect and understand where they are coming from. Don't waste your time with other relationship books! They never got me anywhere! This one did! Or if your relationship is fine, buy this book over other relationship books too! It keeps you focused on God and with that your relationship will always be great!

My husband and I went to the "I Promise" seminar because we were struggling. We bought this book there and took it home and we both devoured it. This seminar and book completely turned our life around. We have BOTH been actively using these principles from the book for about 9 months now and are truly changed for life. We've never been closer to God or eachother because of this. We have since bought the DVD as well. We've also bought 9 more books since we bought our first one, just to hand out to friends and family that were struggling. Everyone we've given the book to have had similar experiences. This is the BEST marriage book I have ever read!

This book is excellent and would be good for any couple to read whether they are preparing for marriage or have been married for a while. It is one of the most helpful and practical books I have read. I highly recommend it for any couple who wants to have a good marriage or improve the one they are in.

This is a wonderful book on CD for any couple or single person who wants to lead a Christ like relationship. It makes you think about how you can better yourself as you go through your relationships.

I have read this book with the soul purpopse of furthering my knowledge of relationships, and Dr. Gary Smalley is the "Guru" when defining and directing anyone interested in improving, or salvaging a relationship. It written in the simplest of chapters, with some very personal and poignant dialogue straight from his own marriage.

This book is about real marital love. It is very direct and to the point about loving and caring in a marriage. This should be required reading before couples get married and then again every five years. After 40 years of marriage we found this book still has much to add to a loving relationship.