Customer Reviews

A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce

5 star:		(47)
4 star:		(10)
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2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Speaking from experience and as a woman, Mr. Baldwin is right when he relates to the CA courts as a woman's court. Fathers are treated as second class citizens and then mothers and children complain when the father's no longer stay in contact. Trust me, at some point you just want to ask the judge, "How much to not see the kid at all?" Wealth or not Alec Baldwin has got this one right.

The previous reviewer needs to READ THE BOOK instead of watching interviews and judging Mr. Baldwin's political beliefs. I doubt if he understands the California Family Court system all the way from Sweden.

And it's not easy to speak of these matters in contemporary America, but Baldwin's line about being pulled into the American family law system is akin to being tied to a truck and then dragged down a gravel road late is excellent. As he put it, no one can hear your cries, and it is not over until they say it is. I'm sorry that Mr. Baldwin had to go through what he did but hope that this memoir/analytical work sways minds and adds to the preponderance of the evidence concerning the lack of justice men now find in our courts of law. Protecting women is fine but the juridical operationalization of this notion has resulted in the persecution of the opposite sex. People need to be aware about what's going on so I'm appreciative that Baldwin is using his fame for the worthy and noble purpose of generating awareness. The great thing about this book is that the author does more than tell his own story. He includes the narratives of several men who experienced the same horrors he did. In conclusion, I'm very grateful Mr. Baldwin has graced us with this publication.

I couldn't put the book down! It's well written and reads like a novel page turner, filled with suspense, intensity of emotions, and drama.

Having just completed a divorce myself as a mother of two where I kept not only the welfare of my girls' future emotional and psychological well-being primary, I also considered with utmost care the feelings of their father that I could no longer stay married to. So this meant that we took our time with mediation, we personally served our papers to one another, and shared in 50/50 joint custody. We agreed to all this and more not only for our children but for our own individual futures. This has kept our family emotionally whole and now a year later are thriving as a new kind of family! Unfortunately, as just one example in the book, this was not the same for Kim Basinger who had Alec Baldwin served with their Separation Papers, which is more a punch to the gut than most women (and men when reversed) realize. How can anyone respond without retaliation, swords drawn and ready for battle? And then, of course, how can one not eventually lose control of one's anger when legal minefields release destruction and anguish at every step along the way. Sure Alec was wrong to hurl such words and accusations at his daughter on the phone, but I can see the path to that call more clearly now. So sad. Oh yes, and BTW, "leaking" that call to the public had to have been horribly painful for their daughter--and all for what? To show Alec as a bad man? Surely there was no consideration whatsoever for the child!

And then the climax of using and abusing the legal system to inflict the parental alienation tactics I think is reprehensible. Unless the target parent is abusive in some way or involved in drugs or crime, I can't think of any justifiable reason to inflict such pain on both the parent and child! To me then what this book represents is more than a legal system where fathers' rights take back seat, and quite obviously that's painfully true, it represents more a world where many mothers (and fathers too) fail to fully comprehend the possible permanent damage they do to their children through their intentional or unintentional Parental Alienation (Syndrome). Sure it's painful and frightening facing a future alone, but our children are NOT our emotional keepers and it's up to us to teach them resilience, strength, and compassion, not manipulation and hate. In the meantime though, I advocate changes to our legal system where children aren't abused in this way!

And so I wonder why we've become so self-absorbed or damaged to not see the obvious manipulations of the divorce legal system that helps to escalate these types of damaging scenarios. I could see it when I visited my first referred barracuda divorce attorney. It was then and there that I decided that a loving divorce was the only ethical and moral journey for all of us. Thank God!

And so we did it and not only is it possible (through hard work), it should be a new norm. I wish Alec and Kim could have enjoyed a loving divorce by doing what became some of our strict tenets which were all based upon the foundations of compassion and empathy: 1) Shun at all cost the temptation to litigate, unless there's no other option, through mediation! 2) Share equal custody with your ex-spouse, keeping ALL parent-child relationships intact, exceptions noted above. 3)And speak kindly of and civilly toward your ex-spouse to your children and others (even if you feel completely the opposite). Otherwise, we're all destined to break not only our promises to ourselves but everyone else in our lives and society. Our country may be falling apart financially because of greed, but let us at least cling to some sort of societal decency where our families aren't destined to a similar demise.

Alec Baldwin has written a great book that reveals the human side of divorce in a family court justice system that routinely condones and accomodates deceit, evidence withholding, and material misrepresentation - commonly known as PERJURY. Throughout civil, criminal, family, and probate courts in every county and state of the United States, the prosecution of perjury arising from witness testimony in any court DOES NOT HAPPEN!!! Check it out yourself: search for perjury prosecutions on county prosecutor bragsites or call and ask for perjury prosecution statistics. The information is not available because it would prove the REALITY of LAISSEZ-PERJURY.

What's even more surprising is that it is impossible (it has been intentionally designed that way) to even make an allegation to the county prosecutor's office of FELONY PERJURY. Call'em and try to find out how to. You will go nowhere. It is time that we acknowledge that the dirty little secret of the US justice system is its rampant, regular, and routine winking at PERJURY.

We have a LAISSEZ-PERJURY (in) justice system and consequently the false, intentionally incomplete, and misleading testimony in-court works to polarize and radicalize the proceedings and litigants. If both parties LIE, then it is a LYING CONTEST; if only one does, then the LIAR wins big.

And it is not only the LIAR that wins - but the attorneys, judges, and all of the other divorce parasites who then bill extra hours and/or plead for more tax dollars to support larger staffs of parasites. The county prosecutor/lawyer fails to prosecute PERJURY because it means big bucks for attorneys and allows judges the (false) facts to justify their arbitrary and one-sided decisions. And guess what profession typically makes the biggest campaign contributions to most office-bound county prosecutors? Of course, attorneys and lawyers.

It is quite easy to prove the reality of LAISSEZ-PERJURY - just try and get a judge, a prosecutor, or an attorney to talk about PERJURY prosecution arising from witness testimony. Just call their speaker's bureaus and invite one to your next civic group meeting. LAISSEZ-PERJURY is POLITICAL KRYPTONITE.

Alec Baldwin's book tells the very human story of the costs and great pain that arises from our LAISSEZ-PERJURY IN-JUSTICE SYSTEM. And it is time that the media and politicians begin to talk about its reality.

Be Positive. Lies enslave; the truth sets free.

I want to thank Mr. Baldwin for the excellent book! My husband went thru the very same thing with his former wife 20 years ago. Wish we would have had Mr. Baldwin's book then. Why do the courts not take into consideration the child's best intrest? My husbands daughter was left in the hands of a abusive mother, who was queen of "PAS." (Parental Alienation Syndrome.) The judge left her with the mother, because "a girl should be living with the mother." In the meantime the mother took off and we didn't see his daughter for over 5 years. Everytime we would go to court (she was in contempt of court) the judge basically shrugged her shoulders. Such a shame. This book should be a must read for all judges.

I am very sorry for the personal suffering that brought Alec Baldwin to the point where he felt compelled to write this book but I am very happy to see the increased attention and awareness of the widespread but little understood problem of parental alienation. My own research on adults who had this experience as children (Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind, WW Norton) reveals the extent to which being a child victim of PAS brings with it long-term negative consequences. It is time for society to recognize and address this problem before more parents and children become its victims. Alec Baldwin's book is well written and compelling and I think he will help people see that if someone with as many resources as he has can suffer the frustrations and indignities of being a targeted parent, it can happen to anyone. I am also glad that he makes the point that it can happen to mothers as well as fathers. My research consistently finds this to be true.

Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.
www.amyjlbaker.com

Alec Baldwin has written an important book showing the painful side of divorce in a court system that routinely strips fathers of their dignity and parental rights. His book shows the reality of experiences countless fathers in America experience while suffering in silence. But, Alec Baldwin has shown the strength to speak out about these injustices and parental alienation. Alec Baldwin's book seems to me to be an important and powerful philosophical sequel to fathers' rights by the famed fathers' rights attorney Jeffery Leving.

Well written and absorbing. Some very insightful comments and warnings for those who have entered the ugly world of custody proceedings. Not encouraging for fathers but lets you know you are not alone and the system is severely flawed.

While Alec Baldwin and I are diametrically opposed politically, we are unfortunately completely aligned in our experience of an outrageously expensive divorce and custody battle (both of us have spent well over a million dollars fighting for our "rights" to be a father) fraught with gutless participants, unwilling to recognize the true costs of parental alienation on the lives of the children to whom they claim to have the best interests in mind.

While I was attracted to the book by my own dismal experience with the Los Angeles "family courts judicial" system, I was expecting to read a whining, salacious text vetting out the bad behavior of Baldwin's unrepresented ex. Fortunately enough, whether through Baldwin's own good sense or because those dirty details were sealed by court transcripts, most of those were keep out of the book. Instead, Baldwin delivers enough of his own personal details to make the painful point of a father locked out of his daughter's childhood and he, more importantly, devotes a fair amount of the book to the insight he has gained about the realities of Parental Alienation, how it is identified, how it manifests itself and how you might approach marriage, divorce and co-parenting to mitigate it.

This book stands out in the limited, but growing body of material on this subject. Making the point that if a parent with the resources of Baldwin can't win the fight for equal custody, how can anybody else. What was his crime? What did he or his daughter do to deserve the punishment?

With some limited examples from other parents, Baldwin also attempts to round out his own experience. Frankly, I think he held back. Parental Alienation is worse than you can imagine. The best realization comes at the end of the book when Baldwin points out a parent has to hate their ex-mate more than they love their own child to perpetuate this behavior. Think about how sick that is. How much damage it does to a child.

Some idiots might try to argue that PAS doesn't exist, since it is not formally recognized as a psychological disease but I've never seen one of them even attempt to directly argue or refute any of the eight symptoms Gardner clearly describes in his material. All eight of which were clearly present in Baldwin's case, mine and countless others.

The "actors" in our judicial system are gutless. Baldwin rightfully points out that, wrongfully, time is on the side of the alienating/custodial parent since our judicial system doesn't act quickly to retain the God given right both parents have to be involved. Gardner pointed out the solution was to grant the targeted/non-custodial parent more time with their child whenever alienation occurs. But, as Baldwin points out, the deck is rigged, the "actors" have a system that works for them the way it is. It keeps them retained until every dime a caring parent has is spent to fight for their child. How screwed up is that with more than 50% of marriages ending in divorce? These children are our future and some of us care about that.

I believe the best work of material Baldwin could do is a film on the subject, but not one so transparent as this book to focus on his own story. The story I think needs to be told is the story of unadulterated tolerance for the alienating behavior that goes on all around every one of us. Obviously this behavior is not done in a vacuum. Alienators operate in a circle of friends who support their efforts to isolate their children from the target parent. Whether is be through the diatribe of bull crap reasons they hear as to why the other parent is not in their child's life or just because they don't care to become involved. Would they still be friends with the alienator if they saw them as a kleptomaniac who can't help but steal? Well then why do they find it acceptable to tolerate a parent who steals their child away from their counterpart? It's simple, if you're not co-parenting, you're probably the problem.

Our societal values have to change here. Not just those of the participants, the litigants or the judges, lawyers and evaluators. This mirror needs to be turned on all of us. We need to cherish the relationship a child has with BOTH of their parents. Anything less is a crime.

When I first heard that Alec Baldwin was writing a book about his divorce and the ruthless custody battle between him and his ex-wife Kim Basinger, I had to wonder in how many ways he would seek to slander her. I, like most of the ignorant public, considered Baldwin a volatile man, having seen his assault of a paparazzi on the news after the birth of his daughter Ireland and having heard the notorious and venomous voice mail he left for his daughter in 2006 (courtesy of the slimy celebrity news network TMZ). However, after reading an excerpt available online from the chapter entitled "Olives and Cheese", Baldwin's prose and outpouring of love for his daughter and the desperation to be a significant part of her life deeply swayed me to pick up a copy. I did so on November 1st, 2008 and once I began reading it, I could barely put it down.

This memoir is not only a recollection of family, marriage and divorce but also an incredibly articulate and sensible argument on the severely biased conditions of the family law system. Baldwin's diatribe specifically involves the Los Angeles County system because of his heavy involvement with it, having been victimized by the shrewd manipulation of lawyers and judges, the scrutiny of court-appointed therapists and the feminist slant in which the system views custody issues. Baldwin and others believe that the system unfairly awards custody to the mother a vast majority of the time and due to judiciary loopholes allows them and/or their legal representation to unfairly paint a poor portrait of genuinely loving and responsible fathers. He heavily concentrates this argument on an undocumented psychological phenomenon known as Parental Alienation Syndrome, a term introduced in 1985 (a time when divorce rates were especially high) by Richard A. Gardner MD, a clinical professor of child psychiatry at Columbia University. PAS is defined by a psychological disturbance in which a child or children unjustly and exaggeratedly criticize the noncustodial parent (typically the father in most cases) and heroize the other. This is usually accomplished by the alienating parent (typically the mother) through either words or actions having their child/children believe that the other parent is an inadequate or damaging presence or altogether an unnecessary part of their lives. Baldwin dedicates an entire chapter on the discussion of this condition, listing and describing PAS's telltale symptoms, the weight of its involvement in custody litigation and the validity of its diagnosis.

Of his legal battles, Alec talks about his compatibility as well as his scruples with the many lawyers he worked with and relays true stories of other divorced men and their own court battles (names changed for privacy reasons, of course). Baldwin also discusses his marriage briefly and his relationship with Ireland to a certain degree - he makes it a point in his introduction to say that "what follows will disappoint those who hoped to find a gossipy, salacious tale of a show business marriage gone bad". He also makes it a point to say that "as all divorce litigants should eventually realize, attacking the other party is not in anyone's interest, especially when children are involved". Although I am not going through a divorce (and I hope that I never have to, God willing), I felt Alec's pain, frustration and anger many times as he described his seven-year battle to be with his child, shelving career opportunities more than once, having his work schedule deferred and changing residences several times to appease the courts and his ex-wife. To be deprived of time with your child is to be slowly starved to death - the heart and soul painfully wither at the loss of a beautiful and significant relationship. Despite what the family law system thinks, a child needs both parents and Alec expresses this belief wholeheartedly, stating that most children of divorced couples who are deprived of a parent are more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol as well as practice unsafe sex.

In the end chapter of this illuminating memoir, Alec offers sound advice to couples who are either contemplating or currently undergoing a divorce. Throughout this entire memoir, he gives a respectful interpretation of the events that followed his separation and divorce beginning in 2000 and comes away from it with nary a blame on his ex-wife, stating in his Afterword that "she is a person, like many of us, doing the best she can with what she has. She is a litigant and, therefore, one who walks into a courtroom and is never offered anything than what is served there". He instead completely admonishes the lawyers, therapists, legislators and "most insidiously of all, the judges...they are the cogs in a closed system, one that they have allowed to evolve principally for their own enrichment, financial or otherwise".

Bottom line: Articulate, informative and eye-opening, "A Promise To Ourselves" is not just another celebrity biography that seeks to tell a self-serving story. It is an education and a wake-up call on the unfair practices of our judicial system and a cry for change. Alec and literary partner Mark Tabb are to be commended for sharing their stories and shedding light on a duplicitous syndrome (PAS) that only aids in blurring the vision of justice.