Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---a Guide to Beating Up Anything [Paperback]

Kevin Seccia (Author)

Book Description

Release date: June 7, 2011

The world around you is a dangerous place. It’s teeming with savages, thugs, angry toddlers, and disgruntled clowns. And every one of them is secretly mulling a scenario that ends with them kicking you square in the junk.  What do you do if you want to take on The Batman and live to brag about it to your kids?  What do you do if a rabid alligator picks a fight with your little sister?  What do you do if the beloved star of “Forrest Gump” tells you to “shut the hell up” in front of a huge crowd?

You read this book.  It offers simple, effective instructions for beating up zombies, robots, co-workers—anything. The only limits are your imagination... and your habit of not following through on things, and possibly your uncoordinated, at times comically frail body.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"If you have a healthy thirst for knowledge and the rage of a man packed to the gills with 'roids, then this book is for you!" —Sarah Silverman, author of THE BEDWETTER

"I had doubts about this book, but Kevin beat those doubts up.   That's right, he's able to beat up the CONCEPT OF DOUBT." —Patton Oswalt, star of Pixar’s “Ratatouille”

"Kevin Seccia's beat-down of a book is the perfect cure for the pummeling you've been taking from life. Funny, smart, and twisted. I give it five fists to the eye socket." —Greg Behrendt, coauthor of the bestselling He's Just Not That Into You

"The title is sure to get this book some attention. It’s quite funny, too, a light-hearted guide to, well, beating up people (animals, too). For example, here’s how to beat up a man carrying a baguette: first, make like you’re going for his bread, then 'drill the man with a hard shot, right between the eyes,' then a left hook, then eat some of the bread. If you’re interested in how to beat up a T. Rex, a time-traveling caveman, a guy helping to get a kitten out of a tree, an old-timey pirate, the author of this book, someone from Delaware, Death, a minotaur, or Zombie Abe Lincoln, this is definitely the book for you. As for Tom Hanks, well, he’s a famously big-hearted man, so that right there is his weakness ('and may God have mercy on your soul for punching Tom Hanks'). Stand-up comic and television writer Seccia maintains a jaunty tone throughout, and it’s impossible to read the book without cracking a smile and maybe even emitting a few guffaws." — David Pitt, Booklist

About the Author

KEVIN SECCIA is a writer and stand-up comedian who has appeared on CBS’s “The Late Late Show” and Comedy Central’s “Premium Blend.”  He has written for Ellen Degeneres, numerous live-action and animated shows, and was a staff writer on G4’s “Attack of the Show.”

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin; Original edition (June 7, 2011)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312643748
• ISBN-13: 978-0312643744
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,044,740 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Kevin Seccia is a writer and stand-up comedian hailing from the great state of New Jersey. He has performed at HBO's US Comedy Art's Festival and on TV shows like Comedy Central's Premium Blend and The Late, Late Show on CBS. He's written for Ellen Degeneres, G4's "Attack of the Show," NBC, MTV, Fox, Disney, Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon.

Nearly all that he likes and all that interests him in this world can be found in the following summary for the 1963 Twilight Zone episode, "Steel."

"A promoter (Lee Marvin) takes his boxing robot's place."

He also enjoys scotch, reading, western films, and casually executing backflips while acting nonchalant.

twitter.com/kevinseccia

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome August 16, 2011

By Ariel Schrag

Format:Paperback

Have you ever wondered how to beat up a robot wearing a long, flowing, luxurious blond wig? I myself haven't - yet when I started reading this entry in Kevin Seccia's book Punching Tom Hanks I became positively riveted, realizing I've needed to know this my entire life.
In Punching Tom Hanks, Seccia details, chapter by chapter, how to beat up various things - animals, celebrities, historical figures, etc - all while hilariously mocking everything he despises and exposing the brazen egoist in us all.
My favorite sections are: How to Beat Up the Guy You're Trapped With on a Bamboo Raft (which includes a lengthy reverie into the therapeutic quality of washing dishes), How to Beat Up a Guy Named Lefty (this entry mainly consists of Seccia pointing out how pathetic it is to be nicknamed Lefty - what, your only defining characteristic is being left-handed?), How to Beat up Jon Hamm (a rapturous ode to Hamm's handsomeness), How To Beat Up Rocky Balboa from Rocky IV (which begins with the line: "I think about the movie Rocky IV more than a grown man should, which is to say, I think about the movie Rocky IV") and How To Beat Up a Wacky Uncle (here Seccia gets surprisingly dark and you almost start crying before laughing again, one page later).
In one entry, How To Beat Up a Bully, the normally cocksure and ridiculously delusional narrator is replaced by Seccia himself as he tells the story of how he actually beat up his high school bully. Even though the tone of this entry is more grounded than the rest, it's just as funny, while also being relatable in the way good personal stories are. I'd love to see more like this from Seccia - maybe a novel or memoir.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Some sparks of brilliance, some duds. May 12, 2012

By Disciple of Poseidon VINE™ VOICE

Format:Paperback

In a nutshell I did enjoy most of this book. Mr. Seccia hit homeruns with some and struck out with others. It might have to do with my sense of humor because I usually prefer more anger filled tirades of the likes of Jim Norton, Jim Florentine, Louis C.K. or just about any of the friends of O and A. I guess you have to take it on a section by section basis. There was some very funny stuff like the glimmeron, beating up a vegan wearing meat gloves, fighting a robot with a luxurious blonde wig, fighting Clint Eastwood or fighting Batman. Then there were serious duds like fighting Tom Hanks, George Clooney or a Tarantino character. I recommend this to fans of You Might Be a Zombie, 5 Reasons to Punch a Dolphin or any other twisted humor books. I look forward to a sequel to this, hopefully with a guide to beating Kardashians, Chris Brown, Drake, Axel Rose, The White Stripes, Barney Frank, Chelsea Handler, Tucker Max, White Spotted Owls, Sookie Stackhouse, karma, catholic priests, Greek yogurt, guys named Todd and so on.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars I have never laughed so hard December 13, 2012

By Andrew Patrick Cordonnier

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I took this book on a trip to Europe where it was passed around many times on the plane though I would always know where it was from the outbursts of laughter by different groups of people. I still haven't gotten it back so I presume that it is still being passed around. My dream is that I will walk into a restaurant some day and see the guy reading my copy of this book and beat him up--which I will be prepared for because I have finished it and he has not. Win!