Customer Reviews

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World

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Two paragraphs of disclosure will make my review more meaningful. I was a happy, well-adjusted 5th and 6th grader. New to my elementary school in the 5th grade, I quickly and easily found a best friend + nice group of friends. Then the following year in junior high, two "queen bees" came along and decided they wanted the same group of friends, best friend and all--without me in it. They invited the other girls to a sleepover party right in front of me, and suddenly I was friendless. Devastated, I came home that day sobbing, to parents who had no idea what to do except to send me to a psychiatrist, which did no good at all.

My "lunch tray moments" consisted of going from table to table, trying to sit down, and kids telling me I wasn't welcome to sit with them, and then eating by myself in the detention room, the only place that would have me. My "gym class moments" consisted of being the girl left over when the last team captain chose the second-to-last girl, and then the other team captain declaring she never picked me and that I was not on her team. I adapted first making friends with the neighborhood dogs who all accepted me with love and dignity, and then by getting involved with out-of-school activities and making lots of friends outside of school. By 10th grade, I had friends at school again.

It is with this background that I read "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees"--the book I wish had been around in the 1970s when I suffered the trauma of being a target. I am appalled that these dynamics continue to this day, and that targets have it WORSE than I did. When I got home, the bullying stopped, and I was free to do my homework, not to be bullied until bright and early the next day. Now the bullying of targets is CONSTANT, via Facebook, email, text message, etc. Mothers and Dads, PLEASE take the plight of the targets seriously--it's not just a bit of girl drama--it's BRUTAL to experience.

I am relieved an adult finally took notice of these dynamics, understands them, and not only explains them to parents, she them what to do about it and how to PREVENT it. Wiseman advises parents to create a code of family behavior where family members treat people with dignity, outside the family as well as with. An example is the first chapter on technology, new to this revised edition. Parents are advised when they allow adolescents and teens to have email accounts, Facebook accounts, cell phones, etc. that they sign a family contract which explains they will not use these technologies to embarrass people, humiliate them, spread lies, disseminate naked- or half-naked photos, etc. And the contract specifies punishments for first, second, and third offenses. I think this entire chapter shows brilliance, and is worth the price of the book alone.

It's not just the parents of the target who need this book, but the parents of the queen bee bullies and people users, and the bystanders who stand there silently, not taking a stand on behalf of the targets, and rewarding the queen bees with their allegiance and friendship. For example, there's an example in the book of how to talk to your daughter after she paid a popular boy $5.00 to ask out a target and then dump her the next day. The hypothetical mom marches her daughter over to apologize to the target, and tells her daughter, "If you apologize with a fake or mean tone in your voice or the content of your words comes across as giving a fake apology, then I will apologize on your behalf. And since you did it at school, you are also going to apologize to your teacher and principal for going against the school's rules of treating people with dignity."

Another important concept of the book is to realize that girls within cliques deal with the straightjacket of conformity--hair, clothes, hobbies, behavior, etc, and often put up with verbal abuse from the queen bees. These girls internalize that it's better to put up with abuse than be ostracized from the group. This sets the stage for them to become women who put up with abusive relationships rather than leave.

As much as I don't like to deduct a star from this must-read book, the presentation is uneven. Parts of the book are totally brilliant, while other parts appear scant and hastily written. For example, Wiseman describes different types of parents. Some of these types just have a few sentences written about them and no concrete examples. Plus she misses a lot of types. Or there will be teasers, "If She Says `You Don't Trust Me!'" but no follow up on how to handle this comment.

My main grievance with the book is that I think Wiseman is way too overpermissive in letting a girl wear whatever she wants. I can understand Wiseman's arguments for letting a girl wear green hair, or be Goth if she wants to be. But going out of the house looking too sexy at too young an age? Wiseman says to discuss it with her, but then let her do what she wants. No way! Wiseman wants parents to put their foot down when it comes to the appropriate use of technology, but she becomes meek and overpermissive when it comes to inappropriate wardrobe. Also, when your daughter says she "needs" the latest greatest expensive shoes or purse, parents are supposed to understand how crucial this is for her and to not always say no to these request. IMO, when parents give into this high fashion nonsense, they're training their daughters to be materialistic, manipulative, and spendy. So many parents are afraid to say "no" to their child beginning at age 2, they create these entitled fashion snobs we see today.

If more parents had and enforced a code of behavior, not only how to treat people in the household, but out of the house, our schools and our world would be a better place. Likewise, I'd like to see school teachers and administrators read this book, and come up with codes of anti-bullying behavior where everyone at the school treats everyone else with dignity. If and when more adults get on board with anti-bullying, school will not only be physically and emotionally a safer place, but students more able to learn and compete academically with students from other nations.

P.S. My personal story has a happy ending. In addition to being happily married to the best husband in the world and having lots of friends, I've reconnected with my former best friend, and am now friends with one of the queen bees. It doesn't pay to hold grudges. :-)

As a recently retired middle school and Jr Hi educator with a masters degree plus and a grandmother of 2 girls, 12 and 7, I devoured this book and sent it on to my son (the father of the girls) and sister who has an 11 year old. This book tackles the technology issues that coexist with just "growing up" from a knowledgable and uncomplicated references to the damage that cell phones and computer websites can have on young women and girls. I wish I had had access to this in the early 2000's so I could have been more helpful for the students I worked with. Not only does this author bring to life these issues, but she gives many ways to help girls get through this in a more ego friendly, less damaging way. The book cannot just be read by parents as an easy read for themselves, but needs to be read with the child and teach them the techniques that author has provided to help girls "walk away from" gossip and mean peers with a sense of pride, success and understanding of her place in her social world.

I started reading this book and my only thought was, "holy crap, this kind of stuff cannot really be happening in middle school!" But I sat down my 14-year-old daughter, and sure enough, this book is right on. Which is scary. If you thought middle school was bad before, you can't believe it now.

This book is rather terrifying. But unlike a lot of parenting books (especially those that are more like studies of all the things that are going wrong with kids nowadays), this book has tons of practical help. There are great ideas to help your daughter navigate the shark-infested waters of teenager-hood. (I wish I'd had this book a few years ago when we were enduring a particularly nasty fifth grade year.)

This book will definitely help me to help my three daughters survive and thrive during their pre-teen and teenage years. I have recommended it to everyone I know with daughters. If you buy one book this year, make it this one!

I purchased this book because my oldest daughter entered junior high this past year and has been experiencing bullying and general meanness from other girls. The author is obviously qualified to write this book, but she assumes things that just aren't relevant in my own daughter's case. First of all, she assumes that all girls are in cliques. My daughter isn't and never has been in a clique. She also assumes that all girls are gossips. I found the examples that she gives on how my daughter should react/what she should say when she's being bullied, too adult. They aren't realistic. I'm sure the bullies would have a field day with those responses.

I also don't agree that you can't control what your daughter wears. Not all girls want to look "sexy". If you start when they are born, and teach them modesty and how to dress properly, the chances are that they will follow that. Also, who is buying their clothing? You are in most cases. Therefore you have a say in what your daughter wears.

She basicially tells you how to "tip-toe" around your daughter and her feelings so that you can stay close to her and she will confide in you. What not to say, what to say. Some of it is good but other parts aren't that great.

I did, however, agree with her about how to keep your daughter safe with technology (cell phones, computers, Facebook, etc.). I think that she's right on there.

Depending on your situation I think this book could be of enormous benefit, but it wasn't for us.

First off, I liked reading this book. It was interesting and made sense. However, on deeper inspection, this is not a research based book. Ms. Wiseman does a service by explaining what goes on with relational aggression, especially within cliques, but her descriptions of various girl "roles" are speculative at best.

I think people who have experienced these types of people in school identify with these roles, and therefore like the book, but it's more confirmation bias rather than a genuine explanation of why girls behave in this way. It creates static categories of girl roles rather than explain the real-life dynamic changes that occur as girls mature and develop. I'm sure we can all identify a "queen bee" right now. But does this categorization help or hurt? Does it allow us to see someone like this in a different light next week or next year?

The section on boyfriends is just plain biased. Again, confirmation bias. If you have a boy crazy girl, then yes, it seems to make sense. But there are plenty of girls who do not have an overwhelming urge to have a boyfriend, and this section is not entirely relevant to them or their parents. Same with cliques, too.

Overall, an interested read, but I would recommend taking it with a grain of salt and not mistaking the concepts here for genuine factual based tenets of how things in "girl world" work.

My daughter is having serious troubles -in 6th grade!- and was abandoned by her "best friend" who joined a group of Nasties. I purchased this book for myself, hoping to help Jess.

I loaned her this book to look thru, and after about an hour of reading she came to me, crying, and we had a several hours long talk about her problems, which she would not talk about before. (So far as I can tell, since my girl is athletic, pretty and smart, she was 'rejected' or chosen as a victim of these gangs because she wasn't interested in joining them. Strange).

Thank you, Ms. Wiseman.

As a result, we are working on many of the problems, and I have ordered several more books in this subject for us both to read.

Also- Jess took this book to school and showed it to some of her friends, and talked about it openly, telling some of the 'Gang Nasties' that they were Wannabees, or other categories named in the book. I gather she found it a very enjoyable -cough- put down of her tormentors.

Rosalind Wiseman is a wealth of helpful information. I love her approach - it's more than being nice, it's about social competence. She takes a serious, tough topic and belts out practical tips you can really use to help your children deal with the struggles they are bound to encounter at one time or another during their adolescence. Queen Bees and Wannabes makes me want to read ALL of her books. A must read for all parents of both boys and girls. From vickyandjencom

I admit it. I love the movie Mean Girls. I bought it. I watch it over and over. It cheers me up and makes me giggle.

I watched the extras and the movie is actually based in part on this book. So, even though I am and plan to remain sans children, I wanted to read it.

I think that this is a must-read for anyone with kids, not just those with daughters. And it can actually be applied toward adults as well. Cliques don't just stop in high school - they continue into college and even into our 30s and beyond.

Wiseman breaks down the hierarchy in the Queen Bee circle. I saw myself in different roles, including that of the Queen Bee. But I've also been the Sidekick, the Messenger, and the Banker. And, I've been the Target.

Growing up is hard, no matter what role you play. And what our parents tell us, even when we don't appear to be listening, can really impact our lives.

I know that my parents constantly told me to "act like it didn't matter, never show that you're hurt, etc." And so yes, I grew up withholding emotions and acting as though all was perfect, a la Bree van de Kamp. My nephew, who was about 11 at the time, told me that I thought I was perfect. A friend of mind told me, after witnessing me hold it together at my father's funeral, that I was a lot to live up to.

I have to say that after reading this book, I was even happier about not having children. When I think of what parents go through with their kids now, I shudder. I know how much I lied as a child, and we didn't have the internet or anything then. I can only imagine the art to which kids elevate it now.

Think that your kids only have one Facebook account? You're probably wrong. Think giving them a cell phone is keeping them safe? Not when they can fake being anywhere, since they can call you from anywhere. Think 8 is too young to teach your kids about sex? Not hardly.

If you're looking for the right way to communicate with your kids, Wiseman has tons of great suggestions. I think it's an excellent book for anyone to read, though, as it has such great lessons for all of us.

This is fabulous for all the reasons other reviewers have said - but it's a great read for parents of boys, too. Lots of practical advice and insight on boys, boy/girl relationships and behavior, and the technology advice is gender neutral. The girl clique sections are peppered with advice that can be adapted to boy world. I read it because my oldest is a girl, but I find that much of it applies to my son. It helped me be able to explain to my son why girls act the way they do and how to maintain his self respect and to respect girls. Outstanding resource for parents of boys - particularly for boys who don't have sisters!!!

I purchased this book for my daughter who has a 12 (almost 13) year old daughter. It's a wonderful book - full of valuable information when it comes to raising children in a society flanked by so many problems. The book is good in that it not only talks about the problems facing today's kids, but also offers solutions. The society I grew up in (1950's/1960's) and even the society my two daughters grew up in is far different than the one of today. Back then it was cool to be the smartest kid in the class or the best athlete or even the silliest kid in the class. It seemed we were just accepted for who we were.