Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World [Kindle Edition]

Rosalind Wiseman (Author)

Book Description

“My daughter used to be so wonderful. Now I can barely stand her and she won’t tell me anything. How can I find out what’s going on?”

“There’s a clique in my daughter’s grade that’s making her life miserable. She doesn’t want to go to school anymore. Her own supposed friends are turning on her, and she’s too afraid to do anything. What can I do?”

Welcome to the wonderful world of your daughter’s adolescence. A world in which she comes to school one day to find that her friends have suddenly decided that she no longer belongs. Or she’s teased mercilessly for wearing the wrong outfit or having the wrong friend. Or branded with a reputation she can’t shake. Or pressured into conforming so she won’t be kicked out of the group. For better or worse, your daughter’s friendships are the key to enduring adolescence—as well as the biggest threat to her well-being.

In her groundbreaking book, Queen Bees and Wannabes, Empower cofounder Rosalind Wiseman takes you inside the secret world of girls’ friendships. Wiseman has spent more than a decade listening to thousands of girls talk about the powerful role cliques play in shaping what they wear and say, how they respond to boys, and how they feel about themselves. In this candid, insightful book, she dissects each role in the clique: Queen Bees, Wannabes, Messengers, Bankers, Targets, Torn Bystanders, and more. She discusses girls’ power plays, from birthday invitations to cafeteria seating arrangements and illicit parties. She takes readers into “Girl World” to analyze teasing, gossip, and reputations; beauty and fashion; alcohol and drugs; boys and sex; and more, and how cliques play a role in every situation.

Each chapter includes “Check Your Baggage” sections to help you identify how your own background and biases affect how you see your daughter. “What You Can Do to Help” sections offer extensive sample scripts, bulleted lists, and other easy-to-use advice to get you inside your daughter’s world and help you
help her.

It’s not just about helping your daughter make it alive out of junior high. This book will help you understand how your daughter’s relationship with friends and cliques sets the stage for other intimate relationships as she grows and guides her when she has tougher choices to make about intimacy, drinking and drugs, and other hazards. With its revealing look into the secret world of teenage girls and cliques, enlivened with the voices of dozens of girls and a much-needed sense of humor, Queen Bees and Wannabes will equip you with all the tools you need to build the right foundation to help your daughter make smarter choices and empower her during this baffling, tumultuous time of life.


From the Hardcover edition.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Wiseman (Defending Ourselves: Prevention, Self-Defense, and Recovery from Rape), offers parents a guide to navigating the adolescent landscape. Acting as a liaison between "Girl World" and "Planet Parent," Wiseman helps parents understand their daughters' friendships, the power of cliques and the roles of girls within them (including Queen Bee, Sidekick, Torn Bystander, Messenger and Target). She outlines parenting styles (from "The Lock-Her-in-a-Closet Parent" to "The Loving-Hard-Ass Parent") and offers tips on talking to teens ("Don't use the slang your daughter uses"). The second half concentrates on boys, sex and drugs as well as what to do if your daughter needs professional help. Within each chapter, "Check Your Baggage" sections challenge parents to recognize their own biases and remember what it was like when they were teens; as well, Wiseman offers scripts for discussing difficult issues and advice on how to deal with them. The author also forthrightly addresses the issue of homosexuality. To wit, a "Homophobic Questionnaire" that turns the tables on parents with questions such as "What do you think caused your heterosexuality?" Wiseman's straightforward humor, sound advice and practical approach make this a must-read for anyone involved in the lives of teenage girls. Back matter offers extensive resource listings including fiction and nonfiction titles, movies and helpful organizations and their Web sites.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

Forget the stereotypes of sugar and spice. Girls are mean, and as this book and a recent New York Times Magazine cover story indicate, their subtle, insidious style of bullying is rapidly garnering attention and concern. Wiseman, who founded a nonprofit company dedicated to empowering teens, calls on her extensive face-to-face research with teens in this book that exposes the social minefields of female adolescence and the deep scarring that can result. Wiseman also gives an excellent overview of the common patterns of aggressive teen girl behavior with an increased focus on a parent-teacher audience, offering valuable practical advice, including how to talk about hard issues like sexual harassment. She also offers admirable, groundbreaking insight into an all-too-common issue and will be invaluable to any adult struggling to help a girl get through her teens. Also suggest Sharon Lamb's revealing title The Secret Lives of Girls . Gillian Engberg
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• File Size: 1093 KB
• Print Length: 448 pages
• Publisher: Three Rivers Press; 2 Original edition (October 13, 2009)
• Sold by: Random House Digital, Inc.
• Language: English
• ASIN: B002RLBKMM
• Text-to-Speech: Enabled
• X-Ray: Enabled
• Lending: Not Enabled
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #16,299 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
  • #6 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Nonfiction > Parenting & Relationships > Parenting > Teenagers

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

183 of 187 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Former Target explains why this book is a MUST-READ January 30, 2010

By Groovy Vegan VINE™ VOICE

Format:Paperback

Two paragraphs of disclosure will make my review more meaningful. I was a happy, well-adjusted 5th and 6th grader. New to my elementary school in the 5th grade, I quickly and easily found a best friend + nice group of friends. Then the following year in junior high, two "queen bees" came along and decided they wanted the same group of friends, best friend and all--without me in it. They invited the other girls to a sleepover party right in front of me, and suddenly I was friendless. Devastated, I came home that day sobbing, to parents who had no idea what to do except to send me to a psychiatrist, which did no good at all.

My "lunch tray moments" consisted of going from table to table, trying to sit down, and kids telling me I wasn't welcome to sit with them, and then eating by myself in the detention room, the only place that would have me. My "gym class moments" consisted of being the girl left over when the last team captain chose the second-to-last girl, and then the other team captain declaring she never picked me and that I was not on her team. I adapted first making friends with the neighborhood dogs who all accepted me with love and dignity, and then by getting involved with out-of-school activities and making lots of friends outside of school. By 10th grade, I had friends at school again.

It is with this background that I read "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees"--the book I wish had been around in the 1970s when I suffered the trauma of being a target. I am appalled that these dynamics continue to this day, and that targets have it WORSE than I did. When I got home, the bullying stopped, and I was free to do my homework, not to be bullied until bright and early the next day. Now the bullying of targets is CONSTANT, via Facebook, email, text message, etc. Mothers and Dads, PLEASE take the plight of the targets seriously--it's not just a bit of girl drama--it's BRUTAL to experience.

I am relieved an adult finally took notice of these dynamics, understands them, and not only explains them to parents, she them what to do about it and how to PREVENT it. Wiseman advises parents to create a code of family behavior where family members treat people with dignity, outside the family as well as with. An example is the first chapter on technology, new to this revised edition. Parents are advised when they allow adolescents and teens to have email accounts, Facebook accounts, cell phones, etc. that they sign a family contract which explains they will not use these technologies to embarrass people, humiliate them, spread lies, disseminate naked- or half-naked photos, etc. And the contract specifies punishments for first, second, and third offenses. I think this entire chapter shows brilliance, and is worth the price of the book alone.

It's not just the parents of the target who need this book, but the parents of the queen bee bullies and people users, and the bystanders who stand there silently, not taking a stand on behalf of the targets, and rewarding the queen bees with their allegiance and friendship. For example, there's an example in the book of how to talk to your daughter after she paid a popular boy $5.00 to ask out a target and then dump her the next day. The hypothetical mom marches her daughter over to apologize to the target, and tells her daughter, "If you apologize with a fake or mean tone in your voice or the content of your words comes across as giving a fake apology, then I will apologize on your behalf. And since you did it at school, you are also going to apologize to your teacher and principal for going against the school's rules of treating people with dignity."

Another important concept of the book is to realize that girls within cliques deal with the straightjacket of conformity--hair, clothes, hobbies, behavior, etc, and often put up with verbal abuse from the queen bees. These girls internalize that it's better to put up with abuse than be ostracized from the group. This sets the stage for them to become women who put up with abusive relationships rather than leave.

As much as I don't like to deduct a star from this must-read book, the presentation is uneven. Parts of the book are totally brilliant, while other parts appear scant and hastily written. For example, Wiseman describes different types of parents. Some of these types just have a few sentences written about them and no concrete examples. Plus she misses a lot of types. Or there will be teasers, "If She Says `You Don't Trust Me!'" but no follow up on how to handle this comment.

My main grievance with the book is that I think Wiseman is way too overpermissive in letting a girl wear whatever she wants. I can understand Wiseman's arguments for letting a girl wear green hair, or be Goth if she wants to be. But going out of the house looking too sexy at too young an age? Wiseman says to discuss it with her, but then let her do what she wants. No way! Wiseman wants parents to put their foot down when it comes to the appropriate use of technology, but she becomes meek and overpermissive when it comes to inappropriate wardrobe. Also, when your daughter says she "needs" the latest greatest expensive shoes or purse, parents are supposed to understand how crucial this is for her and to not always say no to these request. IMO, when parents give into this high fashion nonsense, they're training their daughters to be materialistic, manipulative, and spendy. So many parents are afraid to say "no" to their child beginning at age 2, they create these entitled fashion snobs we see today.

If more parents had and enforced a code of behavior, not only how to treat people in the household, but out of the house, our schools and our world would be a better place. Likewise, I'd like to see school teachers and administrators read this book, and come up with codes of anti-bullying behavior where everyone at the school treats everyone else with dignity. If and when more adults get on board with anti-bullying, school will not only be physically and emotionally a safer place, but students more able to learn and compete academically with students from other nations.

P.S. My personal story has a happy ending. In addition to being happily married to the best husband in the world and having lots of friends, I've reconnected with my former best friend, and am now friends with one of the queen bees. It doesn't pay to hold grudges. :-)

126 of 130 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars From a guidance counselor January 12, 2003

By A Customer

Format:Hardcover

I am a middle school guidance counselor and this is the best, most honest look at the world of our children I have ever read. Not only is it a VERY accurate portrayal of what "girl world" is all about, but Ms. Wiseman offers parents practical advice on how to handle delicate situations. I have purchased a couple of copies and have lent all of them out to parents who come to my office seeking help and advice. Readers who think this book is over the top are in denial. This book truly tells it like it is -- I witness this everyday at work and as a parent of two teenagers.

149 of 159 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars You need this! Practical and inspirational! September 30, 2002

By bensmomma VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

This is a truly remarkable book, extremely well-organized, inspirational, and full of real practical advice. Wiseman first details the different social roles girls play in adolescent 'societey' - what she calls "Girl World" - such as the Queen Bee, the Banker, the Target. Then she describes the different kind of social dilemmas these roles can cause. But - most importantly -she tells readers (presumably parents) WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

This is not just proscriptive advice, although there is a lot of that too (e.g., "how to tell if she's had a party while you were away"). One thing that really impressed me about Wiseman's approach is that she gives parents an entire way of approaching problems that they can share with their daughters.

In other words, she doesn't tell you what your rules should be (she leaves that to YOU, thank goodness), but she does tell you how to get your daughter to think about why you as a parent have created them and your family's values should mean to her.

A second thing that really impressed me about this book is that it is wholly non-judgmental: it does not divide girls into Good and Bad/Mean. If your daughter is a Queen Bee, Wiseman knows she has problems too, and she helps you figure out how to solve them.

For more conservative parents, it's worth mentioning that this non-judgmental approach extends to issues of sexual orientation, including homophobia and same-sex attraction. Other reviewers have been rather upset by this, but keep the problem in perspective: out of 288 pages, I counted 4-5 that discussed homophobia in boys and another 4-5 around issues of same-sex attraction. That doesn't seem out-of-proportion in a 200+ page book if something like 5-10% of our daughters are gay. Wiseman's opinion on the subject is clear, but fundamentally she is arguing in favor of parents' right --and NEED--to communicate their own family values to their daughters.

My daughter is only 3, but I can already see the social structure that girls impose on each other -- when she comes home saying "So-and-so says she is not my friend anymore." I am very grateful to Wiseman for giving me a headstart toward providing her with a healthy adolescence.

More About the Author

Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized expert on children, teens, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership.

Wiseman is the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence (Crown, 2002). Twice a New York Times Bestseller, Queen Bees & Wannabes was the basis for the 2004 movie Mean Girls. In fall 2009, an updated edition of Queen Bees & Wannabes will be republished with a chapter on younger girls, insights on how technology has impacted kids' social landscapes, and new commentary from girls and boys. Her follow???up book Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads was released in 2006, and she is a monthly columnist for Family Circle magazine.

Additional publications include the Owning Up Curriculum, a comprehensive social justice program for grades 6???12, and a forthcoming young adult novel, Boys, Girls, and Other Hazardous Materials, in stores in January 2010.

Since founding the Empower Program, a national violence???prevention program, in 1992, Wiseman has gone on to work with tens of thousands of students, educators, parents, counselors, coaches, and administrators to create communities based on the belief that each person has a responsibility to treat themselves and others with dignity. Audiences have included the American School Counselors Association, Capital One, National Education Association, Girl Scouts, Neutrogena, Young Presidents Association, Independent School Associations and the International Chiefs of Police, as well as countless schools throughout the U.S. and abroad.

National media regularly depends on Wiseman as the expert on ethical leadership, media literacy, bullying prevention, and school violence. She is a frequent guest on the Today Show and been profiled in The New York Times, People, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, USA Today, Oprah, Nightline, CNN, Good Morning America, and National Public Radio affiliates throughout the country.

Wiseman holds a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from Occidental College. She lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and two sons.

For more information visit rosalindwiseman.com.