Customer Reviews

The Questions to Ask Before You Jump Into Bed

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Obviously, the phrase "jump into bed" can be interpreted literally but also used in reference to a hasty, often ill-advised decision to become involved with someone else. Presumably Seale means both. If I understand her objective (and I may not), she wants to provide advice to both males and females which will help them to determine whether or not to become involved in an intimate relationship which may or may not include sex.

By now, all of us are well aware of various infectious diseases (e.g. AIDS) and the severe psychological problems associated with them. Most of us have a family member or friend (if not several) who has been divorced. At least some of us personally know a battered spouse and realize that her or (yes) his broken bones and physical bruises heal far more quickly than does the emotional damage. All this suggests that there can be -- and often are-- quite serious consequences to a hasty, ill-advised decision to "jump" deeply into a personal relationship of one kind or another.

In this book, Seale offers what she claims to be a philosophy "contrary to the sexual media messages we receive every day, and it is also a way to interact with others that lets you emotionally engage, present your most authentic self, be grounded, centered, loving, and available to what life brings you, knowing when to engage further and then to extract yourself. And from all of these actions you receive freedom. Freedom to move and to live and to feel without feeling hurt, angry, dejected, or sad." This is essentially how Aristotle defines "the good life."

Seale much prefers long sentences which express broad, sweeping generalities. For example, in the Preface she observes that American singles "came of age at a time when premarital sex was expected and endorsed. At a time when society, our peers, and even our parents have come to expect us to be sexually involved if we're dating." Such statements are representative of her thinking and writing style throughout her book. They express Seale's personal opinions. Fair enough. But they certainly do not state facts, much less universal truths. My guess (only a guess) is that she wrote this book on behalf of her own generation, primarily to advise women in the 14-25 age range.

She comes at her reader with a barrage of questions. (The most important of which were first asked several thousand years ago. For example, "Who am I?") Most of the hundreds of questions are sensible enough but -- at least in my mind -- they raise other questions:

1. Given the abundance of research which indicates that most of the impact of face-to-face communication is based on body language and tone of voice with (at most) only 10-15% based on what is actually said, how reliable are the answers to such questions?

2. Also, if someone is inarticulate (i.e. unable to express what is thought and felt), how to evaluate that person's verbal responses?

3. Finally, many people hear only what they hope for or expect, whatever the response's intended meaning may be. How to overcome mental "filters"? Denial, for example, or viewing disagreement as disapproval, if not rejection?

Seale is obviously a very verbal person. She seems certain that obtaining honest answers to the questions she recommends will be beneficial. I agree while having serious doubts (a) that the person asked (i.e. the prospective "partner") is both willing and able to provide such answers, especially to someone only recently met and (b) that when asking such questions of themselves, most people possess sufficient self-knowledge to do so. Long ago I became convinced that behavior is the most reliable indicator of character. If that process of revelation requires an extended period of close observation, so be it.

What to make of this book? Presumably it will be of benefit to many readers who need help with obtaining insights -- about themselves and others -- that will guide and inform decisions about new relationships. To an extraordinary extent, Seale shares thoughts and feelings about herself and her own relationships. This is an intensely personal book. As indicated earlier, however, I have several reservations about many of her assumptions and several of her conclusions. Her support of them is almost entirely anecdotal and most of it based on her own experiences. Also, I do not share her confidence in conversation-as-interrogation unless conducted by highly trained professionals. Hence the importance, to me at least, of carefully observing patterns of human behavior, including one's own.

Seale has shared her own opinions and now I have shared mine. How other readers rate her book is, of course, for them to determine.

If you are a human being, BUY THIS BOOK. Ms. Seale writes with profound knowledge about a subject we must all master if we are to find the right mate and a fulfilling relationship. The insight Ms. Seale provides is born of experience and thorough research (plus a dash of yoga/Eastern discipline with the help of her friend Susan - see the dedication page). We are led gently through the "10 Questions," learning as we go about ourselves and that is the author's main point: We must know ourselves well, the good and the bad, before we can know others and most definitely before we choose a long-term mate. No matter what your age, whether you are dating, starting what may be a long relationship or wondering how to know for sure when the right person for you comes along, reading this book will guide you and help you.

I was drawn to this book because of the hundreds, perhaps thousands of great questions to ask my significant other. I stayed to read the perceptive comments by this author in between the questions too. Pop psychology it may be, but all in good fun and with serious enough and well thought out questions to keep any conversation going for hours on end. And I am pretty sure that you will learn a great deal about you and the person you want to go out with, or are going out with. This isn't a "pick up" guide, with lines -- but rather conversation starters that if asked and answered in earnest will reveal enough of one's personality to be thought provoking. You will have to take it from there. Enjoy.

Laurie Seale has written a book that, if followed, could alter the dating scene considerably. This book should also drastically reduce the number of "frogs" that one must kiss before finding a compatible mate.
Ms Seale suggests, very strongly, that we really get to know our potential mate before we jump into bed with him/her. She also suggests that we learn to know ourselves before we jump into bed. According to her, if we jump into bed with someone before we know them and what their goals are, then the chance of really getting to know that person and who they are is next to impossible.
I found the book to be an interesting, informative, and entertaining read. I think that it is a must read for adolescents, young single adults, divorced and other single adults, marriage counselors, and, yes, even for old curmudgeons Like me. I recommend this book very highly to anyone who is about to, or is planning to, enter the dating scene. As well as those people who are tired of being burned by the dating scene.
As an added bonus, asking oneself the questions in this book will go along way towards helping one get to know oneself more thoroughly. This has the added advantage of serving to raise one's self esteem.

Bick Eubanks

This is one of the best and most useful books I have ever read on how to truly, effectively find your mate. Laurie Seale's intelligent, sensible and self-esteem based use of questions to find out over time if you are truly compatible and your prospective partner sees life the way you do, values you, and values what you have to offer is thought-provoking and excellent.
This gave me confidence to believe that I am on the right track. I am not being too picky or delusional - I am right at the heart of what matters. Having to offer what you want in return - knowing the qualities that really matter to you in a possible mate; being aware of your deal-breakers; and not going to bed with someone before you know those answers/have those essential similarities in common, is a good predictor of success and an even better predictor or avoiding heartbreak.
This book ought to be read starting in High School when you are just beginning to date. It would save a lot of future misunderstandings between BOTH sexes.
I have a Master's Degree and at age 47, am far past High School, but I am grateful to have found Ms. Seales' excellent book.
Read it and enjoy !

This book has a great premise. People jump into sex way too quickly and it makes tough to establish good relationships. Laurie suggest that people wait at least 6 months or until you've asked most of the questions (originally 500) before sharing sex.

It is a solid, rational approach to relationships that hasn't gotten the press it deserves. Unfortunately, the message may be lost through the messenger. Our beloved Laurie Seale had a bit of a melt down on the pseudo-reality show "She's Got the Look." Still, I think the book and the concepts are worth sharing and discussing so that's why I keep buying copies and giving them to my single friends as well as sharing it with my psychology classes (including human sexuality).

If Laurie is such an expert, why can't she maintain a relationship? I'd rather learn from people who can practice what they preach.

The most important dicision made in life, who we mate with, has beeen left to chance and whim - until now. The psychology of finding who we are so we can find who we want. The book is a great read, and if the right questions are asked, can save one years of pain. Enjoy, I did. Jimmy Ochs, LCSW, LCDC

Ms. Seale has put before the single population a challenge that must be disquieting to them who says they want a long term relationship. Laurie is saying that if you want a true long-term relationship you can't keep doing the same old things and expect a different result. Also I am say that if you have not had your share of failed relationships you will not attempt Laurie's solution to your failed relationships. If however you have failed enough your pain may be enough that you will risk one more time and risk discovering a full time partner. To really do what Laurie suggests you must have failed enough, you must understand the Spiritual complexities of successful relationships, and be willing to step out in faith in Spiritural awareness, be confident in Laurie's investignation techniques, and complete all the questions in depth before you jump into bed with anyone. Be careful, be open, be emotionally naked with the one who is willing to be naked with you. Good luck --- it is worth it. I can say this after forty-six years of marriage with a lady with whom it has been a joy to have been emotionally naked with for all that time. Dr. Bill - PhD in Psychology, a MDiv. in theology and a Priest in God's church.