Part I
The Psychology of Obsession Understanding the dynamics of obsession and compulsion has been a tireless pursuit of mine for many years now, not because of any great work that I wanted to do with other people, but in an attempt to understand the part of my own personality that frequently appears to get out of control. How do I know that it gets out of control? Mostly, because other people tell me it does. Left to my own means, I would stay focused (obsessed) with whatever project I am involved with for days, weeks, or even months at a time. Now, I must tell you, to me this is not a problem, but for those who love and care about me, it very definitely is a problem. They have to sit by and watch me run myself into the ground, again and again, in a continual effort to prove myself to the rest of the world.
In my pursuit of understanding this aspect of my personality, since I do not have a degree in psychology and have never been formally educated in understanding the human psyche, I did the next best thing. I went to work in the mental health and addictions field for many years, spent many years delving into my own psyche with the help of trained professionals, and surrounded myself with family and friends who had the knowledge I so desperately sought. It is the accumulated understanding and realizations gained through these processes that I share with you now.
Obsession is a byproduct of accumulated anxiety. It is the mind's way of focusing itself in order to defend itself against painful emotions connected with trauma or wounds sustained in early development. Compulsion is the action taken to release this accumulated anxiety.
In the clinical diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder, the anxiety that produces obsession is of an ongoing duration, and the compulsion that relieves the anxiety is normally short-lived and must be repeated often. This can be demonstrated in activities such as repetitive hand washing, checking and rechecking lights and locks, and so on. It is not this category of obsessive-compulsive behavior to which I am referring in this book. A disorder of this magnitude must be dealt with by a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist.
For the rest of us, however, who have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and behaviors of a nonclinical nature, there are other forms of help. In this instance, I am referring to behaviors such as codependency, alcoholism, drug abuse, workaholism, shopping, gambling, eating disorders, sexual addictions, perfectionism, idealism, and the use of manipulation and/or control. Consciously working on these issues, perhaps with the aid of a counselor or therapist, helps us gain awareness into our behaviors. This process not only offers us an opportunity to heal those wounded parts of ourselves that influence our actions and reactions, but also allows us the opportunity to redirect those energies, resulting in amazing outcomes.
These behaviors are centered around an attempt to maintain control of our emotional lives. When we unconsciously or subconsciously avoid dealing with our feelings, because of fear and anxiety, we will naturally gravitate toward whatever will offer us relief. Whatever that thought, deed, or action may be, it will provide us with some form of comfort at the time.
One of the benefits experienced during times of obsession is that we are granted a momentary escape from feeling the emotional pain connected with fear, disappointment, anger, low self-esteem, difficult memories, and so on. This escape can become addictive. It can be used like a drug or alcohol, providing us with relief at a moment's notice. It can become our means of coping with the inner stress that perhaps we can't deal with, don't want to deal with, or simply don't have the tools to deal with.
All of us have become obsessive-compulsive at some time about something in our lives. Maybe it was simply about how our hair looked, about always being on time, about cleaning the house, about being available when someone needed us, or about beating the blankety-blank computer at solitaire. These behaviors easily become a part of our normal routine. This is why it is so hard for us to recognize some of these tendencies and behaviors in ourselves. As in my case, it frequently takes an outside observer to point out that there is a problem. What we need to ask ourselves is why this particular behavior is such an important and integral part of our lives. The answer to this will always be that we are fearful or avoiding something else.
Take the situation of a woman who obsesses about how her hair looks every morning before going to work. Society would say that this is appropriate. After all, shouldn't we try to put our best foot forward whenever we go into the work world? Isn't our physical appearance part of how we are judged in that arena? Surely, this woman is only doing her best to feel confident and self-assured. While this may be true, if she is unable to be comfortable with herself simply because her hair isn't perfect, then the issue is more than what it appears to be. This behavior does not seriously challenge the structure of her life. Therefore we must ask, why does perfect hair give her a feeling of self-assurance or confidence that should really come from a healthy self-esteem? It is normal to have a "bad hair day," but when having one affects the function and feeling of how that day will go, then the hair issue is actually a cover-up for a deeper problem.
Chapter 1
The Psychological Dynamics of Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior
Life Development Factors That Influence Obsession and Compulsion
The wounds of early childhood create tears in our emotional structure. These tears create holes, and the more tears we experience, the larger the holes may become. These holes in our emotional structure impact us mentally, physically, and spiritually. We then use behaviors, actions, and attitudes in an attempt to fill the holes so that we no longer feel the pain and emptiness they contain.
Childhood wounding may be the result of abusive parents, dysfunctional families, difficulty with siblings, the death of a loved one, early difficulties in school, incessant teasing or bullying by other young children, moving away from a familiar and secure environment to a new and therefore frightening place . . . the list could go on and on. A good friend of mine once told me that the severity of a wound that is inflicted is not about the force of the instrument used to wound the individual. It is always about how sensitive the skin is that receives the wound. Therefore the issue of whether or not the wounding was intentional is of less consequence than how the wound was felt by the individual receiving it. The perception of the wound is as real as the wound itself.
For example, if we come from an early environment where we did not receive the amount or kind of nurturing that we felt we needed, it is probable that the obsession and compulsion will manifest in the form of relationship issues. When satisfactory emotional nurturing is not present during early development, it can easily become the focus of adult life. Attaining that which was lacking or absent in childhood can be a primary motivator of behavior. As an adult, even if we become involved in a nurturing relationship, it is possible that we will not recognize it as such because it does not feel familiar. Knowledge, through memory, of how being nurtured feels is not readily available. Therefore, we may not know when or if we have found it. The idea of what nurturing should feel like is very often different from the reality.
Until we take steps to go back into the often distressing reality of what we perceived was missing or painful during our early lives, we will never heal from those wounds. We will continually seek ways to "fill the hole" or bandage the wound because the anxiety surrounding the memories of those times is so uncomfortable. We will be drawn to use whatever reassures and comforts us for the moment, again and again.
If we accept the challenge of doing the work necessary to deal with those parts of our emotional selves that have been damaged, we have the opportunity to heal ourselves. This process then allows for a renewed source of energy that can then be directed and focused into positive, productive parts of our lives.
The Many Ways Obsession and Compulsion Are Demonstrated in Today's Society
In these days of expected and accepted overdoing, obsessive-compulsive tendencies are continually presented to us as the "norm." The pressure that is present in our current society to "keep up with the Jones" promotes an inner belief that if we don't have the house, car, clothes, body, and lifestyle that we are fed by the advertising world and the media, then there must be something wrong with us. We are constantly bombarded with images of affluence, romance, adventure, and success. We take these images and compare them to the reality of our lives and most often come up feeling that we are lacking in some way. What do we do with these feelings of inadequacy? We try harder, work longer, spend more, and still end up trying to hide away those parts of ourselves that don't fit within that societal image.
The most prominent obsessive-compulsive behavior in society today has to do with body image. As a nation, we focus on the physical body more than any other country in the world. Not only do we spend millions of dollars on diet products and memberships in health clubs, but whatever we can't manage to "fix" ourselves we take to a cosmetic surgeon for a tuck, reduction, lift, or augmentation. Americans have become obsessed with looking young forever and spend a fortune trying to accomplish just that. Our society has little room, or acceptance, for the natural aging process. "Young and fit" has become synonymous with intelligent and competent.
The second most prominent obsessive-compulsive behavior in our society today is workaholism. Thi...
