Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent: And Other Sensational Stories from a Tabloid Writer [Paperback]

Tom D'Antoni (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 22, 2005

CONFESSIONS OF A TABLOID WRITER WHO DOVE INTO THE CESSPOOL OF HIS OWN MIND AND CAME UP WITH INCREDIBLE TABLOID STORIES

“Some people aspire to greatness. A combination of bad parenting and coming of age in Baltimore, Maryland, at the same time as John Waters pushed me in a different direction,” writes Tom D’Antoni. After fifteen years as a journalist and broadcaster–fifteen years of going after sources and double- and triple-checking facts–D’Antoni was seduced by the dark side: a national supermarket tabloid. When he realized he could entirely make up stories and then quote people he’d just invented–and get paid (poorly) for it–he was hooked.

In Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent, D’Antoni resurrects his favorite stories and reveals the (often sick) thoughts that inspired them. From the mild “Newborn Baby Sings Like Elvis” and “Denture Bandit Steals False Teeth from the Mouths of Victims” to the truly twisted, such as “Grandma Turns Pet Dog Inside Out Looking for Lost Lottery Ticket,” “Bag Lady’s B.O. Kills Five People on Bus,” and “Cult Uses Human Heads for Bowling Balls,” they all came straight from D’Antoni’s imagination.

Editorial Reviews

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

RABID NUN INFECTS ENTIRE CONVENT

I made up all of the stories I wrote for The Sun, a national supermarket tabloid newspaper. They knew it, and I’m proud of it. This is the saga of my dive into the cesspool of my own mind. And since I made up fake bylines too, never using my own name, it had been my own private cesspool until I outed myself in front of millions of TV viewers as having done these awful deeds.

Wait, that’s too dramatic, but not by much. I mean, it isn’t the New York Times we’re talking about.

And this isn’t “Shattered Glass.”

All of the facts in the narrative parts of this book are eminently checkable. The facts in the stories came from inside my head, except for one story which was suggested by a guy who was cutting my hair at the time.

I have re-written these stories, as the folks at The Sun re-wrote my originals, which were cut (unmercifully) to fit their space and standards. Yes, “standards.” I must admit, there were some parts of these stories that were a bit much, even for them.

The narrative was first a story for The Oregonian and The Baltimore City Paper. Upon publication, in Portland, I was invited to be on a talk show in Seattle. They asked me to make up a tabloid story on the spot. But they stopped smiling when I made up a story about how there was a talk show host farm where people just like the co-hosts were mass-produced from pods.

Over the years, I used the piece to introduce myself to women. It was good if they laughed, and just as good if they were horrified. Better to know at the beginning. I have read the Oregonian piece in public several times, and the jokes always killed. One night I was sitting around with pianist/writer David Vest who suggested this book.

I am supposed to thank the people who influenced me to write this book and these stories. But if you had inspired this stuff, would you want to be thanked? Think about it. I can’t thank deities, as athletes do. I might get struck by lightening.

I suppose I can thank poverty, drugs and my colleague Garey Lambert, with whom I was making one of the Baltimore Orioles’ pre-game radio shows when I first wrote this stuff. We weren’t making any money doing that show. I had to do something, so I ended up writing these stories.

We had put all the money we were making into production gear, and although I was being well-fed in the Orioles press box, I did not have the “luxury” of being the projectionist at an art film theater, as Garey did.

These stories helped keep the lights on in the apartment we shared. People called us “the odd couple.” He was gay, I was straight, and one of my ex-wives lived upstairs.

Garey “edited” these stories, to some extent, but mostly he was my friend and laughed at the jokes. He was also the brother I never had.

Garey became one of the top AIDS journalists in the U.S. before that disease took him in 1996. There’s hardly a week that goes by that I don’t have the urge to call him about something. Thanks, Garey.

Product Details

• Paperback: 128 pages
• Publisher: Villard (November 22, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0812975189
• ISBN-13: 978-0812975185
• Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 6.1 x 0.4 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,249,224 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars What took so long for someone to write this book?, February 7, 2006

By 

James G. Davis (Baltimore, MD) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent: And Other Sensational Stories from a Tabloid Writer (Paperback)

Supermarket tabloid covers fall into two types -- (1) the ones with stories about people you see on television and in the movies, and (2) the covers that are interesting.

Be honest -- you KNOW you always suspected that Dubya, with ears like he has, was REALLY fathered by an escapee from the Roswell alien prison: probably by Jar-Jar Binks himself. But it's always good to have a "legitimate" journalist confirm your suspicion in print.

Tom D'Antoni did more than just HAVE these suspicions -- he ACTED on them. Which is to say, when he had one, he made up a story to go along with the suspicion and traded the story for money.

God bless America. I say again, GOD BLESS AMERICA! I take back some of the things I've said about it.

Isn't this the greatest country in the world; a country where your sickest fantasy can be put into print (as long as it happened overseas and can't be fact-checked), and people will pay you money for having it?

BUY THIS BOOK. HEAR? HEAR?

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars great humor writing, February 7, 2006

By 

cityfox (california) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent: And Other Sensational Stories from a Tabloid Writer (Paperback)

i enjoyed this book mostly because of the irrevrence of the author. in this country, where the religious right and the republicans are in our bedrooms, phones, emails and wombs, it is really refreshing to read something that breaks through all those barriers. i bought a lot of them for christmas gifts and all my friends i gave them to, called to thank me and tell me how much they laughed. i enjoyed the commentary before each story. i mean don't we all stand in line at the check out counter and pick these up while we're waiting? haven't you ever wondered what kind of a mind could spew out such insanity? of course you have. so i say pick up a copy and take a break from the real insanity in the world. which causes me to think about how the tabloids have to get more outrageous because reality could have been an avant garde novel 20 years ago.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars Not as Good as I had hoped., November 16, 2006

By 

Martha Colhoun "cryptocat >^..^<" (El Paso Texas) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: Rabid Nun Infects Entire Convent: And Other Sensational Stories from a Tabloid Writer (Paperback)

I recently bought Bay Boy Lives, and enjoyed every detail of this humor packed book, an oversize book, with each page laid out just like The World Weekly News, photos and inserts included. I bought Rabid Nun because it was suggested by Amazon, and the reviews seemed pretty good, and I needed a good laugh. I was very disappointed, when I read it last night. The stories seemed very mean spirited, not funny and certainly not clever. There are very few stories, and lots of blank pages to take up space. The author seems angry at his lot in life and spends more than half of the book compaining and bashing people. I don't recommend this book, buy Bat Boy instead, and buy an extra to give as a Christmas present, too.