To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First [Paperback]

David Code (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 1, 2009

A Win-Win Approach to Marriage and Parenting

All parents want their children to be happy. But many couples today go too far, letting everything revolve around their kids. This hurts the children and the marriage. The good news is you don't have to choose between your spouse and your kids. Drawing from the latest research in neuroscience and his study of families around the world, David Code explains why putting your marriage first actually produces happier kids.

In this book you'll learn how confronting your anxiety liberates your children to establish their own identity, learn self-reliance, and become more confident adults. You'll also discover why you already married the perfect spouse, and why it’s okay to have tough arguments. A good marriage sets a great example for your children's future relationships, and that's win-win for the whole family.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"I found David’s articles very insightful personally . . . Many thanks!"  —John Carey, senior correspondent, Business Week

"You will never look at your family's problems the same way again. David Code is a big-picture thinker with a gift for translating scientific facts into practical solutions. His new solutions to common family problems can help solidify your marriage and improve your parenting."  —Jaak Panksepp, neuroscientist and author, Affective Neuroscience

"Every parent, and every couple, should read this book to prevent them from having an affair with their child[ren]. What misery and suffering for all concerned, for generations to come, when couples put their marriage anywhere but first. A must-read."  —Harville Hendrix, PhD, author, Getting the Love You Want and Giving the Love that Heals: A Guide for Parents

"David Code offers a game-changing combination of Bowen family systems theory, brain research, and studies on animal instincts, to help us understand why humans do what we do in families."  —Peter Titelman, PhD, clinical psychologist, editor, Triangles: Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives and Emotional Cutoff

"Provides a win-win solution for the challenges facing today's families. . . . He explains why good marriages produce good kids, and provides helpful advice for building a strong marriage. "  —Glenn Firebaugh, PhD, author, Seven Rules for Social Research

"David Code, in a step-wise approach, identifies and addresses how one, in a very practical way, can improve their marriage and thus, the entire family. I recommend his book most highly."  —David D. Sherry, MD, professor of pediatrics, Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and University of Pennsylvania

"Stress has become a pervasive problem for couples struggling to balance the hectic lives of their kids with their own demanding jobs. David Code provides powerful preventive medicine that 'inoculates' spouses who are currently doing well, but can benefit from his family-strengthening advice."  —Ron Roel, former editor, Newsday

About the Author

As featured in Parents Magazine, the Wall Street Journal, NPR and the Christian Science Monitor, David Code is a family coach and Episcopal minister. After training at Yale, Princeton, the Sorbonne, and the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family (formerly at Georgetown Medical School), he founded the Center for Staying Married and Raising Great Kids. He lives in State College, Pennsylvania, with his wife and their two children.

Product Details

• Paperback: 288 pages
• Publisher: The Crossroad Publishing Company (September 1, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0824525388
• ISBN-13: 978-0824525385
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.3 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 2.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (16 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #69,932 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

David Code is an Episcopal minister and award-winning author who draws on the latest research in neuroscience and his own study of families in more than twenty countries across five continents.

David's work has been featured in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, "Parenting" Magazine, CBS News, and Fox News. He also received a Book of the Year award from ForeWord Reviews for his previous work, "To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First."

David studied at Yale, Princeton, and the Georgetown Family Center (formerly part of Georgetown Medical School). He has more than five years of supervised experience as a pastoral counselor, a hospital chaplain, and a volunteer with AIDS and cancer patients.

Born on a farm in Canada, David has lived in Tokyo, Moscow, and Paris. He now resides in State College, PA, with his wife of fifteen years and their two children.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Refreshing Perspective on Parenting, September 12, 2009

By 

bellafirenze (CA, United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First (Paperback)

I liked this book because it answers a question that's always on my mind as future mother: How can I raise well-functioning, healthy kids and nurture my marriage at the same time--without losing my own sense of self in the process?

This book helped me to realize how anxiety about perfect parenting can actually have detrimental effects on the children. So many of my friends tell me they're mystified why the more they kill themselves for their children, the more behavioral issues the children seem to have. This book clearly explains why making one's child the center of one's life is not helping the child in the way we had hoped.

The bottom line is simply this: Kids need the freedom to be kids, and when a parent becomes overly emotionally invested in creating a "perfect" environment for the child, the parent unconsciously makes the child their source of emotional fulfillment. The result is a distancing from one's spouse that can then exacerbate the situation. The parent's needs are not being met by the spouse, and the child is not capable of meeting the emotional needs of the parent--everyone suffers, especially the child.

By recognizing our propensity to this behavior, on account of the best of intentions, the downward spiral can be avoided. The result is freeing. I highly recommend this book to any "type-A" personality with children or considering having children.

12 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This Book Is About MORE Than Marriage and Parenting, September 29, 2009

By 

Jane (CA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First (Paperback)

I'm an Asian woman in my thirties, have a 20-month-old child, have been married more than 4 years, and am working full-time. I rarely read self-help book but I happened to read David Code's article on the web and was fascinated by his insight-- the article explained very well why I have been so emotional lately. Then, I googled his website and found out about his new book. That's how I ended up reading this book.

Based on the book title and cover illustration, I first thought that this book is about marriage counseling. However, that is just a small part of it. (There is no doubt that the book explains very well about the linkage between marriage and parenting.) The book provides a very insightful view for why we blame each other, why we avoid each other, why we are so obsessed with our children, and why we create so many dramas in our life. Once we 'notice' the right cause of all these symptoms (you can find it in the book!) and then, we can 'control' the situation to become better even though our solution is very slow and requires patience.

A few days before I read the book, I had a huge argument with my husband- the largest one ever. I was also very stressed with my parent's long-term visit in this area. This book gave me the right advice when I needed it. I also started to have a lot of peace of mind by merely realizing the root of my emotions. I may need to read this book again, whenever I get short-sighted with parenting my child or get impatient with my husband or my mom.

I highly recommend this book to any person who wants to have better relationships with others / wants to have an inner peace/ wants to raise happy kids /or want to grow up. I am not American, but the book really applies well to Asian culture too.

I don't recommend this book to anyone who does not want to confront (or admit) who they are/ or who cares about symptoms but not the cause of them / or who wants a quick-fix parenting solution.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Two Decades of Research Say: YES to David Code, June 14, 2010

By 

Dr. David Frisbie (Rancho Santa Fe, CA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First (Paperback)

From more than two decades of counseling families in crisis --- We'd like to heartily affirm Rev. David Code's new book.

Code is right-on: Both stress and tension in a marriage are very quickly transferred to children --- who may act out, quit functioning normally, and become highly anxious. Kids are smarter than we realize.

The advice in this book matches what we normally prescribe for couples who remarry: While you're working on blending a new family, make your own relationship as a couple a primary priority. It is. It should be.

Code's book is readable, entertaining, truth-filled and highly useful. Excellent reading for all married couples, including those facing the extra challenges of remarriage or blending a family.

Five stars for a readable, insightful book!

Dr. David & Lisa Frisbie
THE CENTER FOR MARRIAGE & FAMILY STUDIES
Del Mar, California
Authors of 12 books including "Happily Remarried"