Customer Reviews

To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First

5 star:		(14)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I liked this book because it answers a question that's always on my mind as future mother: How can I raise well-functioning, healthy kids and nurture my marriage at the same time--without losing my own sense of self in the process?

This book helped me to realize how anxiety about perfect parenting can actually have detrimental effects on the children. So many of my friends tell me they're mystified why the more they kill themselves for their children, the more behavioral issues the children seem to have. This book clearly explains why making one's child the center of one's life is not helping the child in the way we had hoped.

The bottom line is simply this: Kids need the freedom to be kids, and when a parent becomes overly emotionally invested in creating a "perfect" environment for the child, the parent unconsciously makes the child their source of emotional fulfillment. The result is a distancing from one's spouse that can then exacerbate the situation. The parent's needs are not being met by the spouse, and the child is not capable of meeting the emotional needs of the parent--everyone suffers, especially the child.

By recognizing our propensity to this behavior, on account of the best of intentions, the downward spiral can be avoided. The result is freeing. I highly recommend this book to any "type-A" personality with children or considering having children.

I'm an Asian woman in my thirties, have a 20-month-old child, have been married more than 4 years, and am working full-time. I rarely read self-help book but I happened to read David Code's article on the web and was fascinated by his insight-- the article explained very well why I have been so emotional lately. Then, I googled his website and found out about his new book. That's how I ended up reading this book.

Based on the book title and cover illustration, I first thought that this book is about marriage counseling. However, that is just a small part of it. (There is no doubt that the book explains very well about the linkage between marriage and parenting.) The book provides a very insightful view for why we blame each other, why we avoid each other, why we are so obsessed with our children, and why we create so many dramas in our life. Once we 'notice' the right cause of all these symptoms (you can find it in the book!) and then, we can 'control' the situation to become better even though our solution is very slow and requires patience.

A few days before I read the book, I had a huge argument with my husband- the largest one ever. I was also very stressed with my parent's long-term visit in this area. This book gave me the right advice when I needed it. I also started to have a lot of peace of mind by merely realizing the root of my emotions. I may need to read this book again, whenever I get short-sighted with parenting my child or get impatient with my husband or my mom.

I highly recommend this book to any person who wants to have better relationships with others / wants to have an inner peace/ wants to raise happy kids /or want to grow up. I am not American, but the book really applies well to Asian culture too.

I don't recommend this book to anyone who does not want to confront (or admit) who they are/ or who cares about symptoms but not the cause of them / or who wants a quick-fix parenting solution.

From more than two decades of counseling families in crisis --- We'd like to heartily affirm Rev. David Code's new book.

Code is right-on: Both stress and tension in a marriage are very quickly transferred to children --- who may act out, quit functioning normally, and become highly anxious. Kids are smarter than we realize.

The advice in this book matches what we normally prescribe for couples who remarry: While you're working on blending a new family, make your own relationship as a couple a primary priority. It is. It should be.

Code's book is readable, entertaining, truth-filled and highly useful. Excellent reading for all married couples, including those facing the extra challenges of remarriage or blending a family.

Five stars for a readable, insightful book!

Dr. David & Lisa Frisbie
THE CENTER FOR MARRIAGE & FAMILY STUDIES
Del Mar, California
Authors of 12 books including "Happily Remarried"

If you are below the age of forty, you may wonder why anyone needs David Code's book. After all, your marriage is new, and if you have children, they are quite young. You have yet to face the 'mid-life crisis' that commonly ruins a marriage, or the rebellious teenager. These problems that disrupt about 60% of American families today, can be avoided! My wife and I are convinced that every couple can learn to enrich their marriage, and avoid the 'troubled child', or 'rebellious teenager', by reading this book. Don't wait for the problems to happen and then go looking for solutions. To prevent problems, read this book early in your relationship. To find solutions to existing marital strife or child rearing, pick up this book now. Either way, this book will help you to continue to love your spouse and enjoy your children as they become adults.
James W. Serene, MD, Mary Bruce Serene, MD

For me this book answered two major questions: 1) how can I lower my level of stress and frustration in my relationships and 2) how do I as a parent address the anxiety my child is experiencing.

The beauty of this book is it explains the "stress" we experience in our lives is actually our own inner anxiety. Throughout the book, anxiety is described on a continuum verses as a psychological disorder. David Code explains brilliantly how everyone has a unique baseline level of anxiety and details for the reader why, based on our family dynamics as children, the stress response of some individuals are wired to overreact unconsciously due to our innate flight or fight response. The author clearly explains how children are influenced by high levels of familiar anxiety and how anxiety can permeates from generation to generation. The entire last section of the book highlights several solutions to help break this cycle of anxiety.

I found the book very thought provoking, solution-oriented, and applicable to daily relationships. I highly recommend it to readers who wish to learn why they feel the way they do and to those who want to work towards reducing their own anxiety or the anxiety in their children.

Dr. Bridget Perry,
Ph.D. Clinical Psychology

This book will open your eyes to ways that children are influenced by parents' attitudes, feelings and beliefs. This is powerful introduction to making change that will be lasting and productive to producing children who can think for themselves and make wise decisions. Having witnessed the effect of parental anxiety on an infant, I can testify to the difference a calm, confident parent can make in even an infant's behavior! David helps us understand the importance of environment. He also recommends ways to overcome unhealthy traditions of the past. I highly recommend this book for parents and grandparents.

This book is excellent and full of practical, no nonsense advice about how to improve your marriage by making the much needed distinction between your adult couple life and your relationship with your kids. My husband and I have read many relationship advice books and find David Code's has a perfect balance of tough love advice and concrete examples that resonate. Also makes a good gift for your friends whose four year olds are still sleeping in their bed! What is that all about??? This book gets to the heart of the matter.

This book is right on. I was trying to find something to get through to my husband that the marriage is more important than the children that only seem to contact you when they need or want something. I've preached and preached that someday they will all grow up and leave him, and he'll be left with me, but he didn't seem to want to listen. And then I found this book that re-inforced all of my thoughts and ideas about these situations and more. I'm so glad I found this book and I recommend it to anyone that wants to know what a marriage SHOULD be like, whether they are married, single, divorced, with or without children. Everyone can learn something from this book!

Code offers a wise insight into the health of happy families: the health of the man and woman who brought the children into the world. When couples care for their relationship in emotionally healthy ways, their children will thrive and grow as will the family. Too often, in busy families, husbands and wives lay aside their love life, their nurturing life-together and over invest themselves in trying to make their kids happy. I love Code's emphasis upon such basic family times as mealtime (found in the final chapter). He also quotes from Daniel Goleman's excellent book "Emotional Intelligence", as well are referring to a wide variety of medical professionals who work in marriage and family issues. Code, an Episcopal minister, offers a bright, intelligent and wise faith perspective on growing together as a family in the 21st century. For another family spirituality book from Crossroad Publishing Company published in 2009, look at The Busy Family's Guide to Spirituality: Practical Lessons for Modern Living From the Monastic Tradition

This book provides an in-depth perspective on marriage and its effects on children. It is an easy read and offers invaluable information to raise happy kids by making your marriage a priority.