Lewis Burke Frumkes, one of America's very best satirists, sharpens his pen on the fads, fears, and fashions of the urban landscape. Here are 49 hilarious ways to cope with them. Explore the benefits of aerobic typing. Wile a friend with "Exotic Gifts from Harry and Larry" including "Road Imperial ValiumAmerica's Favorite TranquilizerOnly Better." Take charge of your next meeting with Frumkes's "New Rules of Order," which include Blurting, Interrupting, and Bullwhipping. Jump in the saddle and rope a roachapartment style. And, of course, raise your I.Q. with a delicious "Gifted Child Fricassee."
How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
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About the Author
Lewis Burkes Frumkes is a writer/humorist/teacher/broadcaster. In addition to the many books he's written his writing has appeared in many venues, including Harper's, Punch and the New York Times. He has taught Humanities at Marymount Manhattan College and Harvard University. He lives in New York City.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
83 of 86 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I recently applied for a job at a prestigious software company, but I was rejected because they told me my I.Q. was about 3 points too low for the position I wanted. Crushed and humiliated, I desperately sought a "do-it-yourself" method for artificially raising my I.Q. so that I could acquire my dream job. My quest took months and miles of travel. I looked into expensive surgery, African herbal remedies, and even Haitian voodoo in order to increase my I.Q., all to no avail. Frustrated, I was ready to give up all hope and force myself to work the rest of my life as a repo man, when a friend recommended me this book. He said that he had purchased it a few years ago, and that it had raised his I.Q. by 50 points! Overjoyed, yet hesitant, I asked him what the title of the book was. He replied that the title was "How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children."
Initially I was skeptical, as I have read that children, especially gifted children, are very low on fiber and other vital nutrients. Plus, they don't have a whole lot of meat to roast, which can kind of make you feel wasteful. My friend assured me that the book would address all of my questions, and that the method worked extremely well. Anxious to discover if devouring intelligent children would boost my I.Q., I eagerly tore into the book and read it in one night. All I can say is: WOW! It absolutely blew me away with all of the incredible recipes and tips for cooking and eating smart kids. It is written in a very easy-to-read, easy-to-understand manner that is readily accessible to all. It even has full color diagrams that illustrate the best ways to dismember and cook the children in order to achieve the best results. Even if this book didn't have practical applications, I would have given it 5 stars just for the quality of the writing and pictures.
But this book is intended to be used practically, and it would be all for nought if it didn't work like it said it would. The book explains that eating children with special talents will also make your talents increase in that area. For example, the consumption of a math whiz would improve your higher mathematics skills, frying a kid in drumline would improve your musical abilities, etc. Naturally, this factored into my choice of which child I would spit-roast to obtain a higher I.Q. Luckily, this wasn't too hard. Leroy, the 5th grader who lives down the street, got straight A's, won the science fair every year, and had built his own computer and hacked into the DOD database. On top of that, he was extremely obese and annoying as hell, so obviously this was an easy choice. A week ago, I offered to help him with his latest science project and he gladly accepted. He came over for the evening and I wasted no time in getting started.
The book states that the best way to devour a chunky kid is to kill him with a single gunshot wound, and to spit roast him for maximum results. Everything was all ready to go the second he walked in the door, so I delivered an instant headshot and secured him upon the spit roast I had set up in my living room. Since I wanted a savory meal, the slow roasting with all of my favorite exotic spices took about 10 hours. Once that was done, I put the most tender portions on my plate and poured myself a glass of wine. At first, nothing happened. For the next few hours, I felt that I had been ripped off. Frustrated at not feeling any different, I grabbed my Rubik's Cube. To my shock and amazement, I completed it in less than a minute! That's when I knew my I.Q. had increased. The next day I reapplied for the position and got hired.
In short, this is a fantastic book. I would recommend it to anyone looking to boost their I.Q. Granted, securing a child and successfully consuming him or her without arousing suspicion is a bit of a challenge, but the results are well worth it. I'm glad that someone has finally written a practical book that will allow many people to realize their dreams.
Initially I was skeptical, as I have read that children, especially gifted children, are very low on fiber and other vital nutrients. Plus, they don't have a whole lot of meat to roast, which can kind of make you feel wasteful. My friend assured me that the book would address all of my questions, and that the method worked extremely well. Anxious to discover if devouring intelligent children would boost my I.Q., I eagerly tore into the book and read it in one night. All I can say is: WOW! It absolutely blew me away with all of the incredible recipes and tips for cooking and eating smart kids. It is written in a very easy-to-read, easy-to-understand manner that is readily accessible to all. It even has full color diagrams that illustrate the best ways to dismember and cook the children in order to achieve the best results. Even if this book didn't have practical applications, I would have given it 5 stars just for the quality of the writing and pictures.
But this book is intended to be used practically, and it would be all for nought if it didn't work like it said it would. The book explains that eating children with special talents will also make your talents increase in that area. For example, the consumption of a math whiz would improve your higher mathematics skills, frying a kid in drumline would improve your musical abilities, etc. Naturally, this factored into my choice of which child I would spit-roast to obtain a higher I.Q. Luckily, this wasn't too hard. Leroy, the 5th grader who lives down the street, got straight A's, won the science fair every year, and had built his own computer and hacked into the DOD database. On top of that, he was extremely obese and annoying as hell, so obviously this was an easy choice. A week ago, I offered to help him with his latest science project and he gladly accepted. He came over for the evening and I wasted no time in getting started.
The book states that the best way to devour a chunky kid is to kill him with a single gunshot wound, and to spit roast him for maximum results. Everything was all ready to go the second he walked in the door, so I delivered an instant headshot and secured him upon the spit roast I had set up in my living room. Since I wanted a savory meal, the slow roasting with all of my favorite exotic spices took about 10 hours. Once that was done, I put the most tender portions on my plate and poured myself a glass of wine. At first, nothing happened. For the next few hours, I felt that I had been ripped off. Frustrated at not feeling any different, I grabbed my Rubik's Cube. To my shock and amazement, I completed it in less than a minute! That's when I knew my I.Q. had increased. The next day I reapplied for the position and got hired.
In short, this is a fantastic book. I would recommend it to anyone looking to boost their I.Q. Granted, securing a child and successfully consuming him or her without arousing suspicion is a bit of a challenge, but the results are well worth it. I'm glad that someone has finally written a practical book that will allow many people to realize their dreams.
11 of 13 people found the following review helpful
By Bootsand
Format:Paperback
Truly a must have... I've already noticed results, and I believe I can continue to improve my I.Q. further.
I do wish they covered a little more in depth how to acquire more gifted children to consume. Skulking around private schools in a van can be tiresome and risky. A mail order service would be convenient, though human trafficking is somewhat frowned upon.
Despite the shortcomings, I highly recommend this book to anyone aspiring for a little more intelligence. If you have easy access to gifted children, then this is a no-brainer... buy it now!
I do wish they covered a little more in depth how to acquire more gifted children to consume. Skulking around private schools in a van can be tiresome and risky. A mail order service would be convenient, though human trafficking is somewhat frowned upon.
Despite the shortcomings, I highly recommend this book to anyone aspiring for a little more intelligence. If you have easy access to gifted children, then this is a no-brainer... buy it now!
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful
By M. Green
Format:Paperback
Just ate my first gifted child and let me tell you, I feel smarter already. It is a lot of work as gifted childern are hard to come by, but after finding the first and chowing down I'm finally ready to get that GED.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars
Meh
Not as funny as I'd hoped. Frumkes is a wit, but he wears thin; after a while, absurd and funny gives way to absurd and tedious.
Published 10 months ago by J. Jerome
1.0 out of 5 stars
I ate 10 gifted children and nothing =(
I ate 10 gifted children and the only thing i got was diarrhea.
Seriously who would buy this book with such a fail cover?
Seriously who would buy this book with such a fail cover?
Published 23 months ago by Dustin.Review
5.0 out of 5 stars
THEY don't want you to know about this book
Because it works! The man wants to keep you down, dumb, down and dumb, and dumb and down. Plus he wants his honor student to not be eaten before going to Harvard and taking over... Read more
Published on March 27, 2011 by Michael A. Duvernois
1.0 out of 5 stars
Not funny
If this were a book about any other unique population of students, it would be villified. The gifted community does have quite the sense of humor, and if it were something sillier... Read more
Published on February 21, 2011 by Mrs. M
4.0 out of 5 stars
Provacative
An excellent read whether you want to sit and read for a long period of time or to take just a few minutes to read two or three of the essays. Read more
Published on April 9, 2010 by Jerry Pogue
3.0 out of 5 stars
The Other White Meat
At last, recipes for the Mensan! The recipe chapter is an expansion of the idea set forth in A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift, but without the political bite. Read more
Published on October 11, 2004 by Leslie Ellis
