Customer Reviews

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

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While I think men and the parents of daughters would also benefit from reading this book, I want to emphasize that as a woman and the parent of sons this book has become an invaluable resource for me. The authors made many important points about the male experience that were new to me, or vague, and also gave practical ideas and examples for achieving goals or avoiding conceptual traps.

Kindlon and Thompson begin with the story of Cain, which is immediately disorienting. In a good way. I've always been puzzled about why God was so mad? I believe the fruit Cain offered was beautiful, so why was it of lesser value? I never thought God was fair to Cain, though admittedly Cain did react badly. So immediately you're in the state of mind to question perceptions about males as well as male perception (and reaction).

I didn't find any intellectual oneupsmanship over which gender's got it worse. Instead, I saw: Boys are different, and here's what some of the differences are and why that's so, and how you can deal with that. I feel much better prepared for the many talks I hope I'll have with my children over the years. Important talks that I want to be transformative rather than reactionary or alienating.

This isn't just a book for the parents of adolescent boys, either. The authors make the point many times that giving boys an emotional education is imperative -- teaching them to recognize various emotions as physical cues and with emotional consequences. More importantly, the authors then cite cases from their clinical backgrounds and make down-to-earth suggestions about what to do to catch these problems and help our children. Young boys will benefit from your early introduction of these principles, including: giving a boy an emotional education and letting him have an inner life; recognizing that boys have a higher activity level (amen!) -- and accepting it; communicating with boys in a direct and respectful way, and enlisting them as problem solvers; using discipline that is instructive and fair rather than harsh and crushing; teaching a boy that there are many ways to be a man.

This is a plausible theory informed by clinical experience, but most of all it is a catalog of simple actions that may make a huge difference in your sons' lives. Andrew Vachss' Another Chance to Get It Right, says these things so eloquently. Every day the collective experience of the world is the sum of the choices each of us makes individually. We decide whether to be lazy parents and raise mediocre adults, or do we try to make a golden age, populated by mature, happy adults who have the knowledge and the will to make the world a better place in their turn? Every day you decide whether to spank or to reason, to pressure or to embrace, to train or to teach, to saddle them with our baggage or let them be. Let Vachss' book motivate you and this book instruct you. You and your children will be the better for it.

Well-written, insightful, transformative.

A few months ago, I read Reviving Ophelia on the recommendation of my wife (a psychologist) and a friend (a social worker). I was frankly stunned at the insight I gained in reading it. I immediately ordered a copy of my own, and in the process discovered Raising Cain. And just like Reviving Ophelia, I read it completely through. As a man, with strong memories of my adolescence, the book resonates with me. The stories it presents of the adolescent indoctrination into male culture (the "Big Impossible" as it's referred to throughout the book) ring true in a personal way. I "knew" many of the boys that they're referring to and who tell their stories. These were my associates, my classmates, my friends. And the more I read, the more I recalled of that period. Kindlon and Thompson present their story in the same basic structure as Pipher in Reviving Ophelia; as a series of topics that can greatly influence a young man, using vignettes of particular children and their stories to develop understanding and insight. And again, these are powerful vehicles for communication; presenting stories of strength and power in the face of unbelievable adversity. Just as powerful, is the understanding it brings as to how and why a child who's been continually disenfranchised can lash out against others (I find I'm in particular agreement with the authors after having been on the minority end of discussions about school killings such as Colombine). The most important contribution of this book; however, is to those who don't (and can't) understand what male culture can do to shape a child. I'm continually at the receiving end (and mostly the participating end) of jokes about the inability of a man to express a real emotion or feeling. While most of it is joking, it's clear that for two close female friends (one an only child and one with the closest siblings 15 years their senior) and my spouse (with three brothers, the youngest 16 years older than she) there really isn't any understanding of what it's like growing up to be indoctrinated as a man. Hopefully this book can provide some measure of understanding to those who haven't experienced this first-hand. And what of those of us who have experienced it? Hopefully this book provides both some reminder of what it was like growing up in that environment as well as providing some hope that it's possible to grow beyond the expectations of that environment. For while strength is important, it must be tempered with compassion. And it's up to us to make sure it happens.

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. and Michael Thompson, Ph.D., is a book that captures the emotional struggles of adolescent boys in this day and age. It was fascinating in many regards to learn of the issues that boys deal with throughout the second decade of their lives, and how they deal with them. Raising Cain describes how boys desperately need a "clan" throughout their adolescence to help them grow and mature into emotionally healthy men. The book greatly emphasizes the importance of both a boy's father and mother, why these relationships are so extremely significant, and how parents can and should go about maintaining the strongest possible relationships with their sons. The book also explains boys' tendencies to keep things bottled up inside instead of talking about them, this being due to a lack of emotional vocabulary and the inability to express feelings. Boys, therefore, tend to suffer in silence or release negative feelings through anger or violence. Raising Cain does a great job of explaining how and why such behaviors exist in adolescent boys and how parents, educators, and mentors can help them through these challenging times in their lives. Although the book is very insightful, Raising Cain tends to over-emphasize the differences between the struggles and obstacles of adolescent boys and girls, and at many times, seems to pit them against one another in terms of which gender has it harder. This implicit competition makes the book frustrating to read at times. Overall, though, Raising Cain is a tremendously educational book, both from a professional perspective and a personal perspective.

As the mother of a twelve, soon to be thirteen- year-old boy, I've been pleased that publishers have finally taken an interest in boys. Figuring I need all the help I can get as my son enters adolescence, I read every new book as soon as it comes out. I've found merit in recent books by Michael Gurrian and William Pollack, but Raising Cain, is, hands down, the best of the bunch. It has touched me and changed the way I understand my son.

Pollack, an expert on men, bases Real Boys on a small study he did of boys--or so we gather from his introduction. His approach is psychoanalytical, and can be interesting. But frankly, Real Boys did not sustain my interest; I put it down about half way through and didn't pick it up. Many of Pollack's ideas don't quite ring true for me. Raising Cain, on the other hand, hits the bulls eye, again and again. The revelatory chapter on social cruelty, written long before events in Littleton, is alone worth the price of the book. I scarcely knew a "culture of cruelty" among boys existed, let alone how horrific it can be--until my son changed schools and experienced it first hand.

Finally, Raising Cain confirmed for me what I believe as a mother--that the loving, caring, sensitive, affectionate part of boys is something to preserve. When my son was born, I knew I could never try to "toughen him up". I would show him plenty of affection, allow him to cry, encourage him to express his feelings. So many men I knew became fathers and couldn't give their sons the love they never got from their own fathers. For me, showing love and affection is like putting money in the bank--it will be there to draw on when he needs it. Raising Cain shows me that this is the right thing to do.

Compare what Kindlon and Thompson say about mothers and sons to the psychobabble in Real Boys. Pollack seems so old school when he says that all a boy's problems begin at the "separation stage", when his mother "pushes him away" to start him on the path to manhood. This wasn't true for me--nor is it true for any other mother of my generation I know. Push our sons away!?! No way! We love and care about our sons, and want to stay connected to them. Raising Cain has an emotional truthfulness the other books just don't have. The world would be a better place if all parents and educators read it. It's transformative.

In this day and age, I would recommend reading any book that helped parents and educators in the way they taught boys. But I have to say that this book felt like a rehash of the old philosophy that if we just made boys more in-touch with their emotions, then they would grow up healthier (which is better argued in Pollack's book Real Boys). The book seems to say that a boy's biology plays little to no effect on their life, which is just a bizarre argument. Any parent who has boys and girls knows that boys and girls have different biological elements. It's easy to see, and instead of saying that biological differences that result in behavioral differences is a misogynistic argument, I think we need to see that it is both a matter of emotional and biological components that are going to help us help our boys (which is very well covered in The Wonder of Boys and A Fine Young Man by Gurian). I recommend we all read all of these books so that we can get as educated as possible, but this one just wasn't that compelling compared to the work of Gurian and Pollack.

As a colleague of Michael Thompson, co-author with Dan Kindlon of the forthcoming book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, I had the chance to read a pre-publication copy of the manuscript, and I recommend it highly. The book is well-written, engaging, informative, and thought-provoking. It is unusual for two pyschologists to write so well for the general public, without talking down to them and without being too academic. Raising Cain reviews the latest research about boys, gives rich and poignant anecdotes, offers a profound understanding of the depth of situation for boys in our society, and makes helpful suggestions for parents and teachers. Raising Cain covers a wide range of topics, from boys' emotional lives (the way they are untrained in reading and expressing emotions) to their early school years (which the authors refer to as "thorns among roses," referring to the way boys often fail to fit in or thrive in early elementary school) to the role of mothers (who try hard to stay connected to their sons in the face of overwhelming pressures on boys to separate) and the role of fathers (too often absent, at least emotionally, from the lives of sons). Another chapter discusses the fact that boys are more likely to be subjected to harsh discipline, and offers a variety of alternatives. There are also chapters on boys and romance, alcohol and drug use, depression and withdrawal. My favorite chapter, and the one that distinguishes this book from other recent books about boys, is on 'the culture of cruelty,' about what boys do to each other, espcially in early adolescence. Despite many efforts by paretns and educators, boys attack each other physically and emotionally, enforcing narrow definitions of masculinity and sexuality, leaving many boys scarred guarded, and lonely. The unique perspective of Raising Cain is that boys, for many reasons, impose these conditions on each other--it doesn't all come from the media or the broader culture. Several recent books have covered roughly similar territory, with a shared concern for the welfare of boys. Unlike Michael Gurian's book, Raising Cain rejects the idea that the 'boy-brain' is somehow ill-equipped to handle emotions. Though boys' biology does play a role, its contribution to boys clipped, withdrawn style is small compared to the role of socialization--boys are systematically pressured to shut down and shut others out. Unlike William Pollack's book, Raising Cain does not argue that mothers abandon their sons prematurely--rather, Kindlon and Thompson argue that the culture drives them apart, while most mothers strive mightily to stay connected, and keep trying even when they are confused and bewildered. Meanwhile, they describe boys having a 'hole in their soul' from their lack of a close emotional connection with men, starting with their fathers. I understand that Raising Cain will be available in early April--it is worth the wait.

After reading this book, I came to the conclusion that every hospital in the country ought to have a supply on hand to give out to new parents/caregivers upon the birth of a son, much like car dealers give you an owner's manual when you buy a car.

Continuing on with the metaphor, after reading this book, I came to the conclusion that we know more about cars than we do about children! This book should be read by...

*Anyone who has a son, regardless of whether your relationship with him is good or bad. This book will help you understand the dynamics of father/son, and mother/son relationships; insight that will be vital during the turbulent adolescent years.

*Teachers, and administrators. Our educational system is so female dominated, that many of the well-intentioned ladies who come in contact with boys on a daily basis, have no clue what they are all about, and consequently, you see a disproportionate number of boys who are identified as having learning disabilities, get suspended, and/or otherwise in trouble at school.

*Every father, since fathers typically and traditionally, yet tragically, leave all "emotional issues" for mom to address. No more slacking dads! It is time to start pulling your weight!!

My heart ached after reading this book. It ached because with a little understanding, we would not see so many boys messed up. The authors of this book have made a wonderful contribution to the literature on child development and child rearing. Kindlon and Thompson make a compelling case that if we do not start doing better as parents, teachers, coaches, etc. etc. in helping our boys attain emotional literacy, the price in human terms will be incalculable.

I can honestly say that after reading this book, I will never be able to look at boys the same way again. A truly outstanding book.

I am a father of two boys and I came across this book by searching on Amazon for books that could help me improve my parenting skills. I love my boys and I consider my parenting as a full time job. I read other readers comments and I did some research before I purchased a couple of books, Raising Cain being one of them. My main motivation in buying these books is derived from the frustration that I experience when I know I fail to understand my son on some issues and also from my worry that I do not understand what is going on in a life of a young man in today's world.

Raising Cain opened my eyes in many aspects. It is written well and it makes no assumptions about the level of knowledge of the reader. It talks about the relationship between the boy and the father and between the boy and the mather, then it talks about general attitude of society on boys with short comparisons with the girls world. The books continues in discussing boys' psychology explaining how their inner world is built, what factors influence it most and consequences of their influence. It talks about drinking, drugs, sex and violence.

There are some very good positive points that I took with me and there are some points that are missing from the book despite the fact that they are quite important.

I can summarise the book by saying that it does a very good job explaining the need of talking to our sons and helping them to see their feelings as a way of diffusing tension, but it fails (in my view) in providing the tools that parent can use in implementing this concept.

The books showed clearly that the lack of fathers' positive involvment in sons education causes a lot of damage in the long term. The boys have an anger that is internalised over the years and it vents, for some, through violent and aggressive behavior. That is why most of the violent crimes are committed by males. I liked the chapter that talks about relationship between fathers and sons (I am a father and I was interested in that). However, the books stops there, by limitting this part to a description that is most of the time negative, without much practical outcome. Although the book observes the fact that the studies show how critical this interaction is, and that the education system lacks male teachers and that all this compounded with the huge impact of high rate of divorce that leaves sons without male models, puts the boys at an enormous disadvantage at the start of their adult life, the book offers only 20 pages dedicated to this subject (father-son relationship). Mothers get 37 pages and the rest is dedicated to drinking, drugs, violence and sex. The authors talk almost as much about masturbation as they talk about father-son relationship.

It is good that the authors talk about the big problems the boys have; I felt however they insist too much on the negatives by using stories, their personal recount of sessions they conducted as school psychologists (consultants). I was looking for some advice that I could use as a tool for parenting, but I haven't found much support from that point of view. For instance, the book has a chapter called Anger and Violence that dedicates 21 pages to describe various experiences and discuss some general observations on this topic. At the end, it concludes with Strategies and Circuit Breakers: Teaching Boys do Defuse Anger. That section spreads across one page (!) and it has no strategy. The last sentence says it all, and I have the impression that it is representative for the entire book in showing how advice is provided by the authors: "If you can get a boy to figure out what it is he's mad about, then he's in a position to begin to change the destructive pattern of responses in his life". It sounds logical, I agree with that, but I feel it would have been helpful to get more concrete advise about how you do it.

Overall, the book is very good, I recommend it to anyone who wants to understand their sons. It does a very good job in showing that their education is more than instilling discipline and it is very important to handle their pride with care. I followed this book with reading "The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men" by Michael Gurian. I found this book extremely useful and complementing Rasing Cain very well. I gave me what I was missing from the first book: more practical parenting advice and uptodate information from research in neurology and psychology. I would strongly recommend the purchase of both books. For me it was a very good investment.

I am the mother of 3 boys - when my six year old began Kindergarten this year, he started to act different. I didn't understand what he was feeling. Afterall, arts and crafts in Kindergarten sounded great to me. Why couldn't he sit still for the activity? I desperately searched for some reading material that would help me to understand what he was going through. And I found it in this book. An easy read. A lot of great information for understanding boys and their behaviors and feelings. My son doesn't act different anymore - instead I act differently toward him and it's helped all of us.

As I read this book about boys, much of it became more about the boy who becomes the man that he is today. This IS an amazing book, well written, and better yet, written by the very professional people who deal with boys and their troubles as counsellors, and in their practices. Each man can read about his own childhood in any one of the case studies.

My favourites are:
The Culture of Cruelty or as another book said it, our Toxic Culture; We live in a modern culture where our heroes and role models are vague and fleeting. Our sports figures commit drug abuse, or adultery. The Media confronts us with disturbing images of war, sex, and banality. The Media drives us to consume all material goods. Against this backdrop, we must raise our sons. This is where a parents guidance throughout a boys life is necessary.

Seeking the Big Impossible; Boys are groomed early to seek the perfect car, the perfect job, the perfect family, the Big Impossible. And when they fall short, the result is often withdrawal or depression. Boys are trained to seek and accumulate the impossible dream.

Fathers and Sons, A Legacy of Distance and Desire; this chapter alone is worth it. Sons are always seeking an emotional connection with their fathers. Unfortunately, most fathers were and still are raised by fathers whom themselves are emotionally illiterate. Thus the great gulf of distance between fathers and sons.

Romancing the Stone, from heartfelt to heartless relations with girls; This chapter so clearly explains why some boys can't love, you know anyone like that? As the author suggests, it's because boys who are raised emotionally illiterate, have trouble learning to love when they become men, thus moving from a heartfelt boy to heartless relationships with women. Give your son a break, teach him to be emotional literate, so when he grows up, he can have heartfelt relationships with other people.

Read this book and you gain a better understanding about boys ... better yet, read this book and you'll gain a better understanding of the boy who became a man.