7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Powerful tools for a drug-free and emotionally healthy life, November 2, 2006
This review is from: Raising Drug-Free Kids: 100 Tips for Parents (Paperback)
Aletha Solter's fourth and latest book is another excellent resource for your parenting tool belt! Packed with a wealth of invaluable tips, "Raising Drug-Free Kids" differs from most parenting advice on the subject. Many parenting books suggest children need more discipline, meaning punishment, for breaking rules or for misbehavior. But strict authoritarian control and punishment, Solter stresses throughout the book, can cause children to harbor anger and resentment and often "teaches" them to hide their feelings from their parents and rebel.
A Swiss American developmental psychologist and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute, Solter contends the root cause of most behavioral problems, including substance abuse, is not a lack of "discipline" but rather a lack of connection. She emphasizes that it doesn't matter how much punishment you dole out to them, children who don't have a relationship with at least one loving parent where they feel heard and understood are at risk for substance abuse.
Throughout this book the message is consistent: listening, really listening to your children's problems and upsets nonjudgmentally, spending time with them, using a non-punitive approach to discipline and accepting your children's emotions will foster a meaningful connection with them that will both prevent and heal behavioral and emotional problems. She calls this approach Aware Parenting.
My husband and I can attest to the benefits of this philosophy. We have a 10-year old son who is about to turn 11. We first came across Solter's work when he was 2 years old. In so many ways, it validated for us what we knew in our hearts was the way to treat children. Her first three books: "Aware Baby;" "Tears and Tantrums: what to do when babies and children cry;" and "Helping Young Children Flourish," lay the groundwork for creating this kind of mutual respect between children and adults. And we have experienced first-hand how effective this approach is in doing that. The close connection we have formed with our son throughout his young life has helped us give him the support he has needed during difficult times. We don't always do it right but we always try to make it right by listening to him and valuing his feelings and needs. He has always amazed us by his awareness and expression of what is really going on with him. We are so grateful as we head into his teen years that we have such a strong connection with him!
For us, Solter's latest book couldn't have come at a better time. It's armed with tips on how to give drug-related information to children at different ages and on how to continue to build a strong relationship with your child, one that will help your child resist the onslaught of peer and media pressure to do drugs. From information on addiction and the brain to the signs of depression to teaching your child stress-management skills to learning to communicate your own feelings and needs, this book is a must read for any parent wanting to improve their relationship with their child.
In the book, Solter, who spent two years studying with Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget, shows how parents can teach their children from birth on emotional literacy, meaning the ability to accept and release painful feelings. One of the major causes of substance abuse in adolescents and adults is the desire to not feel painful emotions. So it makes perfect sense that children who are free to express their emotions will have less of a need to use alcohol, drugs, sex, food or any of the other addictions out there, to escape their pain as they get older. Instead, they will have the skill to process negative emotions from a childhood of practice!
Solter suggests you can help your child identify feelings and needs by reflecting back verbally what you think your child needs or feels. This invaluable tool can remove some of the mystery and confusion around emotions and help your child feel understood. One of the keys to emotional literacy is allowing your child to cry and express fear and anger. Solter explains that just like sadness, bottled-up fear and anger can lead to problems later on, including the tendency to control painful feelings with alcohol or drugs. Expressing feelings freely during childhood helps reduce the amount of emotional baggage your child will carry with him as he grows older. In fact, Solter stresses that contrary to what many parents fear, the more you allow your child to express angry emotions with you, the less likely your child will be to use hurtful words or actions with others. The message they will learn is that painful feelings are nothing to be afraid of and that it is okay to express them safely. When they are older, they won't need to numb painful feelings with mind-altering drugs to keep them at bay. Instead, they will have learned that painful feelings have a beginning and an end and the pain will eventually go away if they can express their discomfort freely. This is an important lesson, Solter says, that many alcoholics and drug addicts never learned as children.
Solter so aptly illustrates how important it is to value the need to address children's painful feelings while they are young by describing what it takes to heal from drug addictions. The one thing former addicts must learn in substance abuse recovery programs is to accept their painful emotions without trying to suppress them with drugs. Most people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs or any other type of addiction struggle with pent-up feelings of grief, fear, or anger and don't know how to cope with them other than to mask them with the drug of their preference. During the process of withdrawal, the person must experience the reservoir of painful emotions, which are no longer blocked by the drug. In successful recovery programs, former addicts must learn how to identify and express these long-suppressed feelings. The recovery programs do this by creating a supportive and safe environment for the participants to talk and cry without being judged. Therefore, it makes perfect sense from a preventive standpoint that anything a parent can do to help their children identify and express painful emotions through talking, raging or crying in an emotionally safe environment will strengthen their resistance to drugs.
Solter also gives tips on what not to do and what to do if your child has already tried drugs, as well as outlines the symptoms that indicate your child is addicted to them. You also will find tips for specific steps you can take to strengthen your child's bond to you, your family and a community of other caring families. This network of emotional connections is at the root of drug-resistant parenting. If your relationship with your child is strained, Solter says to realize that it is never too late to repair it. She offers suggestions on how to do that and much more, including role play scenarios to go over with your child on how to refuse drugs if pressured by peers to do them No matter what stage of development your child is at, this book will be a valuable asset that you will not regret having on your book shelf for quick reference at any time!
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Outstanding from many perspectives, November 2, 2006
This review is from: Raising Drug-Free Kids: 100 Tips for Parents (Paperback)
As a mental health professional, I was impressed by how well grounded in research and developmental theory Dr. Solter's approach was. As the parent of three former teen-agers, I wished I had read her book twenty-five years ago. Dr. Solter provides clear, simple, practical suggestions for innoculating your child against the need for drugs in adolescence, beginning at birth. Her advice is divided into developmentally age-appropriate categories and is specific enough to leave no doubt about how you can handle almost any situation. It is also an easy read, with concise, short (less than two-page) "Tips" arranged in a sequence that builds upon itself logically. She offers the kind of hope and encouragement that all parents need, even demonstrating that "It's never too late," with ideas for relating to your young adult children after they've turned to drugs in their teen years. I have not seen a more user-friendly, hopeful, practical guide to navigating the territory of raising drug-free children. I recommend the book most highly.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Highly recommended reading, January 26, 2008
I highly recommend this book to anyone who is a parent, or cares for children of any age. It is easy to read, well laid out, and gives separate chapters which discuss children at different ages, for quick reference.
The book highlights what you can do for children to help them avoid the world of drugs and alcohol and the peer pressure they might experience as they become teenagers and young adults.
Emphasis is put on what you can do no matter what age your children are, and that it is never too late to begin making changes that will help your children to resist drugs. It also offers advice to parents where children or young adults have already become dependent on drugs.
Aside form helping children to avoid drugs and alcohol, this non-punitive approach to parenting helps children to develop into emotionally healthy, co-operative and autonomous adults.
Dr Solter is an expert in her field of developmental psychology. She is also the author of three other books; The Aware Baby, Tears and Tantrums, and Helping Young Children Flourish. All of these books are well written, well researched and offer invaluable information and advice to parents and carers, and anyone involved with children and young adults.
I have found Dr Solter's approach to parenting both liberating and highly beneficial for my children and myself. Highly recommended reading.
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