Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World: Seven Building Blocks for Developing Capable Young People [Paperback]

H. Stephen Glenn (Author), Jane Nelsen Ed.D. (Author)

Book Description

Release date: June 15, 2000

No Parent or Educator Can Afford to Ignore This Groundbreaking Work!
Bestselling authors H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen have helped hundreds of thousands of parents raise capable, independent children with Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World. On its tenth anniversary, this parenting classic returns with fresh, up-to-date information to offer you inspiring and workable ideas for developing a trusting relationship with children, as well as the skills to implement the necessary discipline to help your child become a responsible adult.
Those who think in terms of leniency versus strictness will be surprised. This book goes beyond these issues to teach children to be responsible and self-reliant—not through outer-directed concerns, such as fear and intimidation, but through inner-directed behavior, such as feeling accountable for one's commitments. Inside, you'll discover how to instill character-building values and traits in your child that last a lifetime.
"During these turbulent days when families are in disarray and children are getting the short end of the stick, this book can be very helpful to parents who are struggling to bring up self-reliant children. Even after raising five of my own and becoming a grandfather for the seventh time, I got some new ideas out of it!"—Art Linkletter
"An inspiring, workable formula for developing closeness, trust, dignity, and respect . . . a real gem."—Becky Ridgeway, School Social Worker

Editorial Reviews

Review

No Parent or Educator Can Afford to Ignore This Groundbreaking Work!

From the Inside Flap

Authors H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen are real people with real answers. Each of them is a parent with many children. They know that parenting in today's self-indulgent society is not easy. As renowned educators whose seminars are attended by over 250,000 annually, they offer a fresh and common-sense approach that has struck a special chord in the hearts of parents and teachers everywhere.Those who think in terms of leniency versus strictness will be disappointed. This book goes beyond these issues to teach children to be responsible and self-reliant -- not through fear and intimidation, which are outer-directed concerns (what happens when the disciplinarian is on vacation, or asleep?) but through the maturity of feeling accountable to one's commitments (inner-directed behavior).About the Author
/Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., is the bestselling author of Positive Discipline (Ballantine) and co-author of Prima's Positive Discipline series. She lives in Sacramento, California.
/H. Stephen Glenn is the primary force behind the Developing Capable People movement and is the co-author of several books in the Positive Discipline series. He lives in Sacramento, California. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Three Rivers Press; 2 edition (June 15, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0761511288
• ISBN-13: 978-0761511281
• Product Dimensions: 7.5 x 0.6 x 9.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (28 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #78,028 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

147 of 156 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Time-tested, workable ideas! November 24, 2001

By Kate McMurry TOP 500 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I first discovered this book by Dr. Stephen Glenn and Dr. Jane Nelsen just before my son was born in 1988, when my daughter was three. I was very impressed with their ideas and have consistently used them ever since, with excellent results.

Glenn & Nelsen state that self-reliance and self-responsibility will never stop being crucial, in any society, at any time in history. But, unfortunately for parents today, we receive very little help from the society at large (especially the public schools) in teaching these values to our children. This means that modern parenting is far more complicated than simply enjoying and loving our children. There are essential attitudes and skills they need to know in order to grow into decent, self-reliant adults which no one is likely to teach them if we don't. But in order to do this, we first need to know what these attitudes and skills are and what techniques work for teaching them, and then apply those techniques regularly by spending frequent one-on-one time with our children.

I believe that though many parents will find the ideas in this book inspiring, a big barrier stands in the way of them actually following its advice--they are already strongly established in the convenient, no-thinking-required, typical tradition of parenting in the U.S.: (1) eating dinner together as a family group as many nights a week as possible; (2) nagging the kids daily to clean their rooms, do their homework and chores; (3) going on family outings, such as a fast food place or a movie, several times a month; (4) telling the kids if they complain about bullying from siblings or schoolmates to "stop tattling and work it out yourselves;" (5) ignoring each other the rest of the time as much as possible.

When parents are used to an uncomplicated pattern like this, implementing Glenn & Nelsen's time-consuming and thought-involving ideas will require a huge lifestyle change, which may be very uncomfortable. Here are some examples of these ideas, which I have found extremely helpful, but are anything but simple or easy to apply: (1) Stay calm. When you get upset at the kids, Glenn & Nelsen suggest getting out your anger and frustration by yelling, privately, at the mirror in the bathroom, and after the worst is over and you are not so upset, only then go talk with your child and discuss what went wrong and what can be done differently next time. (2) Treating children with dignity and respect. Philosophically, many people these days believe it's a good idea to treat all human beings with dignity and respect, but in practice, even people to whom these beliefs are sacred frequently instinctively speak disrespectfully to family members, especially their children. When people hold no such belief, then the odds are it is only an accident of a fleeting good mood that will cause them to speak with respect to their children. (3) Planning ahead. Glenn & Nelsen suggest discussing important situations in the child's life ahead of time and coming up with an agreement that spells out meaningful consequences if the child does not live up to the agreement.

Glenn & Nelsen openly admit in this book that positive, assertive (vs. oppressive or permissive) parenting is top-heavy on the work involved when you are first starting it, because it is never easy to learn new habits. However, without this effort, early on and consistently, our children all too often drift away from us over the years, some to the point of becoming almost totally emotionally disconnected during the dangerous teen years. At that point, to start the work of positive, assertive parenting can be a nightmare of endless, painfully frustrating work, with no guaranteed outcome, no matter how hard we try. For this reason, I recommend this book most strongly to people who are expecting their first child, or to parents with small children. These ideas will still work for parents of teenagers, but it is far better to head off future bad outcomes by preventing them.

Update 8/06: I first posted this review 11/01, and my kids are now grown, my son 18 and my daughter 21. I am delighted at how they have turned out, and I am convinced that the valuable parenting skills I learned from this book, and used consistently through their whole childhood, contributed massively to them becoming productive, emotionally healthy, financially independent adults. I see both of them frequently, and we have become very close friends, in large part, in my opinion, due to the mutual respect and emotional intimacy that the parenting skills this book teaches have promoted between us. In my experience, every investment you make following the wisdom of Drs. Glenn and Nelsen pays off a thousandfold in your children's lives--and in the richly rewarding relationship you are able to enjoy with them as adults.

50 of 52 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Tough love with a tender heart: A must read! May 3, 2001

By J. Remington

Format:Paperback

The goal of all parents is ultimately to prepare their offspring to eventually step out into the world as independent and responsible adults themselves. As we all know, reaching that goal is a painful yet exhilarating process. Learning how and when to cut the apron strings is a lesson all parents must learn. This excellent parenting help book is a must read for all brave souls daring to raise children into adulthood.

Glenn and Nelson's book is an easy to read, jargon-free, practical, life affirming, and strengthening guide on how to raise children in a world that is drastically shifting from Production based to Consumer driven. It is becoming far too easy to raise children to be passive souls who fail to gain spiritual and ethical maturity who can make eductated decisions and accept the consequences of their actions.

Glenn (a hyperactive child and adult himself!) lays out simple strategies and philosophies that do meld tough love with a tender and loving heart. Of all the parenting books we (my wife and I) have read, this has proven the most important and helpful to date as we have constantly returned to re-read many passages to gain reflective insight and know we are not alone in our convictions. A definate 5 out of 5 in a market flooded with too many pale and weak products.

34 of 36 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars The best guide to raising healthy happy people. July 1, 1998

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

I can't say enough about this book. I've been recommending it to every parent and parent-to-be I meet. We began using several techniques right away with amazing results. The book was recommended to us by our daughter's Montessori teacher. I now know why Montessori children are capable cooperative young people. Don't miss this opportunity to develope a wonderful and respectful relationship with your child. I only wish we read it many years earlier.