Customer Reviews

Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

5 star:		(48)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I read maybe 15 pages of this book before bursting into tears of relief. At 16 months old, my son has never been easygoing or mellow, but as he entered toddlerhood, I felt like I was failing as a mom because I couldn't control him. I didn't understand why other kids napped for hours, slept through the night at 6 months old, and adjusted quickly to new experiences, while my son still wakes up several times a night, rarely naps for more than an hour a day, and shrieked in rage when he had to start wearing shoes or when he didn't like how his socks felt. Other books recommended a stern, inflexible parenting approach that just resulted in MORE meltdowns, MORE stress, and MORE frustration. Did I mention that "cry it out" was an unmitigated disaster in our house?

Finally, this book validated him, and my husband and me. He's not "bad", we're not failing as parents. He's just more intense, more perceptive, and more sensitive. It takes different strategies for us to be successful and calm than for parents of more relaxed children, but the book really focuses on how to do that, how to help our child be successful with daily life. There are many different levels to any given "spirited child", so this book's scope is not limited to a high-energy kid. Introverts vs. extroverts, energy levels, sensitivity, and so much more are covered in depth. This is not a book about excusing poor behavior, though. The parent is absolutely still the one in charge and still has to work with the child to ensure that they can be spirited and still be productive, safe, and enjoyable members of their family.

If you feel like you're constantly battling it out with your child, that you've lost control, and/or that your child is running you ragged, I highly recommend this book. Oh, you'll probably learn a few things about yourself, as well.

Like many of the parent-reviewers here, finding this book filled me with joy. Finally, a parenting book that addresses the unique nature of my intense child! Since the day my son was born, I've been battling criticisms, from my family and even from myself, that I "made" him "high-maintenance" by simply not being firm enough. But reality is a lot more complicated than that; the discipline techniques that other parents use just seem to go right over my son's head, and we both end up tearful and overwhelmed.

So in some ways, this book has been a revelation. There are children out there like mine, and there are effective ways to parent them! Huzzah! That feeling alone makes the book more than worth the purchase price.

However, I think "Understanding Your Spirited Child" would be a far better title for this volume than "Raising Your Spirited Child." Because Kurcinka does write a great deal about how your child feels and why he acts as he does - she gives you a great understanding of his perspective and his emotional needs - but she doesn't give you many specific steps to take. And much of the advice she does give is cloaked in anecdote. Which is fun to read, but hard to use in order to take action. When you can't apply the anecdote exactly to your child (which is often the case, especially if the child in the anecdote is much older or younger than your child is) then you're kind of left empty-handed. I can't tell you how many times I thought, while reading this book, "Okay, I know now that my child is intense and that he is responding this way because he is overloaded. But what do I actually DO about it?"

And speaking of age, I think parents would be greatly served by either dividing the contents of this book up by age level, or having an entirely separate books for toddlers and teenagers. Kurcinka's many anecdotes literally run the gamut from infancy to young adulthood and they are blended together without hesitation. I think the book really suffers from the curse of trying to please everyone at once.

Like I said, "Raising Your Spirited Child" is a joy in many ways, especially if it feels like your child is somehow out of sync with everyone else's kids and you haven't found much sympathy out there in the world. Kurcinka knows how you feel and she is a wonderful voice of empathy and understanding. But, don't expect a step-by-step guide to handling your daily parenting woes.

This was a total eye opener when I originally purchased this book 10 years ago! (My son was 2 and my daughter was a newborn!)I've since recommended it and loaned it out so many times that my copy didn't come back the last time! (And I can't remember who has it now!) I both laughed & cried while reading it and I finished it in 1 night (newborn-remember?)It really helped both my husband and me see what WE were doing differently--not necessarily "wrong", just not RIGHT for our son--and WE made changes. (Note to the person who wrote "this book had no tips we could use": read it again & remember you're the parent who needs to guide the child.) We realized simple things--we shouldn't have taken him on numerous errands at the end of his day or WE paid for it (our son doesn't handle ANY change well and he still doesn't--he's 12 now!) We've had to teach HIM how to handle difficult situations. I'm now going to read it again to help with the preteen years for both of my children!

Exasperation with our son's behavior led to the purchase of this book. He's now 3 1/2. He is high energy in most everything he does. He's more energetic, more intense, more inquisitive, more dramatic. The older he gets, the "more" he has become. This book helped us understand that there are many other kids just like ours, that "more" is not bad (like his PreK teacher had us thinking) and that parenting a spirited child requires a different set of skills. The author doesn't give any one sure-fire way to help with the daily struggles you face with a spirited child, but she does direct you and help you to understand. Without this book, we may have never understood what spirit is in a child.

For years I've tried to make the glares, comments, and criticism from strangers, friends, and family about my child's behaviour roll off my back. Separation anxiety, sleeplessness, fear of pooping, public meltdowns, violent tantrums (ever been clocked by a three-year-old girl? Ouch.), needing to be held and carried constantly, seemingly excessive nursing, preferring to be naked, forgetting to eat, refusing to sit still. I've stood my ground about not crying it out, about not pushing to toilet train her (FYI: one day she just decided to wear panties and that was it), not forcing her to eat at the dinner table, and insisting on the family bed.

Sound familiar to you? It's been a lonely haul, it's tried my relationships -- but, finally, after reading this book I've realized that I'm not alone, my daughter is not all that unusual (falls well within the range of normal, is the term used in the book), and trusting my instincts about what my kiddo needed is the best thing for her. Raising Your Spirited Child celebrates our challenging kids and offers parents affirmation and hope.

The book teaches you to view seemingly negative traits in a positive way: stubborn is determined. Annoying is persistent. Kids who dawdle are perceptive. Introverted or extroverted are not good or bad, they just "are", and it's hardwired. And if you didn't have an inkling yourself: spirited kids are often ahead of the curve. More articulate. More imaginative. More fun (along with being more of a pain in the tush ;) )

For those reviewers who found few concrete steps to take with your spirited child, I would agree: there is no specific to-do list included in the book. Instead, the suggestions are interspersed throughout the book and tend to be more touchy-feely and qualitative; listen, understand, anticipate, have patience. "Tried and true" discipline is ineffective and often makes matters worse -- be creative and flexible. Reward charts are pointless -- the kid needs to decide for herself and no external motivation will help. I would recommend the Spirited Child workbook; there's also a similar PDF available at southaustinapi dot org under Topic Handouts.

For nursing moms who wonder "When will it ever end??" -- the author doesn't go into weaning methods. Other sources I've turned to (LLL, Attachment Parenting, KellyMom) all confirm that breastfed spirited kids, if not forcibly weaned (mom goes on vacation, inlaws move in to help dad) will continue to nurse well beyond three years. It's simply the easiest way to soothe your kid, and try your best to ignore the criticism from society, family, and friends. It's exhausting, and nursing a 3yo in a bathroom stall sucks, but you aren't alone. Knowing that has been enough for me.

Also, I recommend always having some of the following in your bag: mini size playdoh, mini size blow bubbles, a small slinky, or crayons and a notepad; and to not be embarrassed about ditching your grocery cart or doing a silly dance (seriously, just do a silly dance or pull Groucho glasses out of your purse) and getting your about-to-meltdown kid out of the store asap. Being prepared and not worrying about what other people think has helped me diffuse many meltdowns. Oh, and reread the book again and again. And again.

I can only describe this book as liberating. When I found it, our son was 5. I sat and cried with relief, knowing I was not alone. 7 years later I still quote many part of the books. I don't even know how many copies I have bought and lent out. My favorite part was the real definitions of introvert vs. extrovert...wow, what perspective. This concept alone has totally helped me to better understand my family and friends. It is also a wonderful thing to teach my kids so that they can recognize the needs of themselves and their friends. Our son is now 12 years old, very intelligent with a huge heart. This book helped us to learn how to adapt his environment without enabling him. Understanding his need for more sleep, less drama, and smoother transitions help him to be stronger and more secure emotionally and let's be honest....it all benefits the family dynamics. Praise God!

If you are getting frustrated, wondering if your child is super-sensitive, has A.D.D., or is out to drive you nuts.....read this book! If a sock put on wrong can send your child into a fit of hysterics...read this book! If your child doesn't cry like a little wimper or laugh quietly, but YELLS and screams it out, this is the book for you! I finally understand my child, which gives me more patience. She just feels more, does more, IS more. In the process, I've realized I, too, am spirited. I feel more aware and have tools to help my child and myself navigate through life. I now see how her attributes & temperament can work FOR her, instead of getting frustrated with her and seeing the negative. I originally got this book at the library, but had to purchase one for myself. It's going to be our bible for raising our daughter. Highly recommended for people in our shoes!

As soon as I started reading this book, I used some of the recommened techniques and got miraculous results. It helped me deal with my stress, and I found my 3 year old really relieved too. I guess anyone would prefer this style of interaction over our previous push & pull. I think this is a must read for anyone with any kind of child...not just spirited ones. It not only gives incite into understanding and dealing with your child's temperament, it helped me understand my own better too so I could clue her into my trigger points as well as her own.

I was only on the first page before the tears started. I have not made it all the way through this book yet, but I already feel relieved to be looking in at what a day in my daughter's life is like. There are times when I laugh because I feel that Ms. Kurcinka must have been spying on our day to day lives. It took 8 years for someone to have the guts to tell me that no, my child wasn't ADHD, she wasn't crazy, she was probably strong-willed like hers, which led me to this book. I much prefer the term spirited that this book uses (I have discovered I too am spirited--big surprise) and recommend it to anyone who is searching for a little peace.

This book has been a lifeline. Rick and I thought we were great parents. We had a gorgeous little girl who was obedient and sweet. Everyone loved her and praised us for doing such a great job. Then we had our son. Everything that "worked" with Ellie caused the opposite effect in Zach. On the verge of defeat and insanity, I found this book. I cannot tell you how much help it has been; how much it has changed our household, improved our relationships and our confidence.

Raising Your Spirited Child is based on past studies of temperaments, but it's much more than that. The author includes tests to help parents identify their children's temperaments (and their own) and then offers practical, effective strategies for dealing with these strong, innate traits.

Much of the text is direct dialog or interaction from the support groups the author leads for parents of spirited children. Real situations are discussed. The book teaches parents to find the root, the triggers, rather than just addressing the behavior. If your child throws a tantrum for no apparent reason, don't just punish them; stop to find out what caused the tantrum so you can prevent it in the future. Then show your child a better way of handling the problem.

My only complaint: I wish the author had offered more suggestions for sleep issues with spirited children. This section of the book contained only two pages of common knowledge. It was not very helpful for my very spirited 3-year-old who still struggles to sleep through the night.

Final Thoughts: This is a must-read for all parents. It has been an enormous help to us in understanding our kids -- both of them! I understand better what they need, what environments help them thrive, even what drives them crazy. I understand myself better, too. All around: the information and suggestions in this book have improved our home. I cannot recommend it strongly enough.