Customer Reviews

The Real 13th Step : Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs

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This book is the "Missing Link."

Dr. Tessina is absolutely correct in observing that yes - the 12 steps are an incredibly valuable program - in fact, perhaps even the only way to stop drinking.

However, one does eventually "grow out" of them in some sense. That is, drinking has stopped for a long period of time, all of the steps have been successfully worked, and the concepts are grasped and implemented into daily living. Then what? To use an analogy, AA becomes somewhat of a broken record player. Some people are ready for the next step, but aren't sure what that is.

What Dr. Tessina shares with us is how to address the mental thought patterns and dependence issues which may have triggered escape through addiction in the first place. If this is not addressed, we have nothing more than a dry drunk on our hands - someone who is not actively drinking, but who still displays qualities identified in addicts.

This book helps one to put the focus squarely on themselves, and introduces us to the concept that no one is coming to "make it better." It is our responsibility to meet our own needs. That epiphany alone is what frees us.

In spite of it's title, "The Real 13th Step" is on a path whose traffic is not restricted to the addicted, but to many others who, as a result of childhood experiences, have not grown, nor grown up, in a manner which offers the best chance at contentment, or ultimate happiness. Though substance abuse might be the ultimate response to abusive childhoods, the fact is that many of the abused are not addicted to substances at all, but, rather, to behaviors which might, almost as effectively, cut them off from loving relationships, or from success in other life "tasks".

Dr. Tessina cites many examples of this type of behavior. Explaining, as an instance, that "children begin their first autonomous adventures into the world while. . .they are particularly vulnerable to the negative, critical, or fearful parental reactions." At this stage, the child has no capacity to think critically, to examine the reaction and, possibly, to see it as wrong. The result? Toxic shame: the child is unable to distinguish between "doing something wrong (making a mistake) and being something wrong (a bad child). . . Contempt for your own existence is, perhaps, the single most destructive feeling you can have about yourself, because it makes you feel unworthy to cope. . . and completely dependent on the effects and opinions of others."

Besides explaining, there is doing: a series of self-tests and exercises takes the reader through the process of re-imagining and re-constructing this childhood self.

There is a great deal of information in this work. For anyone who has grown up within a dysfunctional family, it is exceedingly valuable. And not for the substance-addicted alone.

Addiction is a word that sends shivers through us! Whether the addiction is to alcohol, drugs, an eating disorder or obsessive/compulsive behavior, addiction takes its toll on our freedom, self-confidence, and self-reliance. Until recently, the best treatment has been the A.A. 12-step program.
Psychotherapist Tina Tessina improved on that program with the publication of The Real 13th Step ten years ago. Now, her revised edition amplifies the latest research on addiction and helps people in recovery beyond what is not covered in the A.A. program. You see, while the Alcoholics Anonymous program has done a tremendous amount of good to help people free themselves from addiction, in doing so it teaches its membership that they are one drink away from total relapse. This can undermine one's self-esteem, inhibit outside activity and perhaps create an addiction to the program.
The Real 13th Step shows us the means to growth beyond recovery "...that transcends any permanent dependency on the program to keep them free from addiction." Certainly Dr. Tessina holds the A.A. program in high esteem, but at the same time, shows the reader that there is life beyond the group and beyond recovery. And that life includes growth, accomplishment and achievement. Through the step-by-step, therapy-tested exercises and guidelines in her book, Dr. Tina Tessina opens the door to autonomy and lasting recovery from patterns of dependency. In this reviewer's opinion, The Real 13th Step is a must-read for an anyone in an addiction program---or anyone seeking assertiveness; lacking self-confidence; or fearful of confrontation!

I read thru The Real 13th Step by Tina Tessina.

Overall, my impression is treat this book like a buffet...take what you like and leave the rest. Also, I think this would have been a better pamplet than book. A commitment to a book made her feel she had to fill 250 pages, even though she really only had 50 pages of material.

Her critique of the steps was a little off base. She posited strengths and weaknesses in each step. Tessina headlined each critique with "How Step __ Impedes Autonomy'. I thought that a bit misleading. It'd be more correct to say how misinterpreting this step could impede autonomy (and the examples she gives are great....like how people think they only have to decide to 'turn it over' in Step Three and take no more action after that).

Chapter 3, From Dependency To Recovery was a very nice discussion on the process growing into recovery.

But after that the book trails off into the pop-psych mush that almost is a parody of itself. Those 'Magical Tools' sound like they were written by comedy writers at Saturday Night Live (an aside: does SNL even employ comedy writers anymore...one can't tell from watching that exhausted show). She encourages 'talking to your inner child' as if we're still back in the early 1990s. Tessina sounds like a bad John Bradshaw retread.

My take is that I have better things to blow $14 on. My recommendation: borrow it, don't buy it. Read till about page 110. Skip the rest.

If you desire real independence, help finding solutions to problems and managing failure- this is a must-read book. The author, a licensed marriage & family therapist with 25 years experience, provides evidence that some people are not born with addictive personalities and provides a model for moving beyond the dependency of a 12 step addiction program. Within these enlightening, uplifting pages are professional guidelines for anyone, struggling with addiction or not, wanting to find a true inner purpose, more self-confidence and self-reliance for rewarding, autonomous living.

No question about it, anyone who is new to 12 step groups and still has any capacity for critical thinking skills left when they get to that point, would love this book. Critical thinking, however, seems to be a missing factor in some 12 step communities and much of what Tessina says in that regard is true. This isn't a put-down of the recovery community, it is just a plain fact, that no individual can find ALL the answers to life in the 12 steps. The steps are meant to open you up to your inner resources, as is specified in the Appendix on Spiritual Experience in the AA Big Book. The 12 Step community is there for support, but it can't bring the program to you, it cannot bring emotional maturity to you. Tessina's book outlines a series of basic concepts demonstrated in exercises that you can modify to your needs to help you grow beyond dependance into autonomy, a crucial step in psychological maturity. She DOES NOT, however, advocate a wholesale abandonment from The Program or the Fellowship you are involved in. What you can find from wokring with this material is empoowered personal choice and an upward spiral of inner growth. I'd reccomend the book at twice the price.

Dear Tina,

I am a Certified Addictions Counselor, and someone recently lent me a copy of your book The Real Thirteenth Step. I found it interesting, but a bit misguided. You mention several times in the book how people are put off by 12 Step programs because the person is always "recovering" and never "recovered". There is nothing further from the truth. I can understand you thinking this way if you were relying on heresay, but I'd assume you would have done a bit of research before making this statement. In the forward of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it states that the purpose of the book is "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recoverd....." It doesn't say, precisely how we are recovering. On page 17 it states, "Nearly all have recovered". It doesn't say, nearly all are recovering. When I hear someone with longterm sobriety refer to themselves as a recovering alcoholic, I feel sorry for them. For, if he has worked the steps, etc....he has recovered. It says so in the book. He is not, however, cured. Just like we have recovered from the flu, we can still get the flu again. All we have is a reprieve until the next flu comes on.

If one reads the Big Book thoroughly, he will understand that Alcoholics Anonymous teaches balance in one's life, and does not intend to become someone's life. On page 19 of the Big Book it states, "We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs". It basically demands we get out into the real world.

However, there is a certain danger to your book. You claim that after someone has worked the steps, they should be able to leave Alcoholics Anonymous and not have to attend meetings. In most cases, this sentences a person to relapse. But even more important than that, if all the people with longterm sobriety leave...what happens to the newcomer? A person with no sobriety needs to see it works for people with one year sobriety. A person with 16 years sobriety needs to see it still works for people with 25 years sobriety. If everyone were to follow the advice given in your book...there would be a lot of people dead of alcoholism. I'm an addictions counselor. I know this to be true.

Charley Warady, CAP
Certified Addictions Counselor