Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (Hardcover)

by William Pollack (Author) "Adam is a fourteen-year-old boy whose mother sought me out after workshop I was leading on the subject of boys and families..." (more)
Key Phrases: boy code, gender straitjacket, many adolescent boys, United States, African American, Department of Education (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review
What are little boys made of? In Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood author and psychologist William Pollack presents his findings from almost 20 years of clinical work and his recently completed study examining contemporary boyhood and the ways boys manifest their social and emotional disconnection through anger and violence. There's a code of boy behavior, Pollack says--an unspoken "boy code" that teaches boys how to act and demands that they cover up their emotions. But the author submits that boys are lonely, they are loyal, they are depressed, they struggle with self-esteem issues, they are at risk, they need to be understood, and they need to be listened to. Boys can be empathetic and sensitive, Pollack stresses, as he effectively and convincingly disabuses readers of a number of myths: that testosterone controls a boy's behavior; that boys should fit into a gender stereotype of masculinity; and that boys are toxic, "psychologically unaware, emotionally unsocialized creatures."

Real Boys presents more than the problems of modern boyhood, it also provides advice and assistance--ways for parents to talk with their sons, read their moods and emotions, and help them become confident, empowered men with genuine voices of their own. --Ericka Lutz

From Publishers Weekly
In a lucidly written primer for parents, Harvard Medical School psychiatry professor Pollack dismantles what he terms "the Boy Code"?society's image of boys as tough, cool, rambunctious and obsessed with sports, cars and sex. These stereotypes, he argues, thwart creativity and originality in boys. Linking clinical insights to practical suggestions, Pollack advises caregivers how to help boys repair their fragile self-esteem, develop empathy and explore their sensitive sides. Drawing on his clinical experience as well as an ongoing Harvard research project, he offers advice on "attention deficit disorder"? which, he maintains, is often a misdiagnosis for normal high-energy behavior? recognizing signs of depression, discouraging violence and helping boys cope with their parents' divorce. In discussing homosexuality, he notes that many of the assumptions of the psychiatric profession have been shown to be incorrect, such as that homosexuality was abnormal, a psychological disorder. Pollack's glorification of sports as an arena for self-transformation and emotional openness is counterbalanced by his recognition that athletics often encourages brutal competitiveness. His proposal that schools adopt curricula "on traditionally 'male' and 'female' topics" to spark separately the interests of boys and girls seems at odds with his own imperative to break through gender stereotypes. On balance, though, his manual is enlightening and stimulating. Author tour.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 447 pages
• Publisher: Random House; 1 edition (May 26, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0375501312
• ISBN-13: 978-0375501319
• Product Dimensions: 9.4 x 6.3 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.8 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars See all reviews (119 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #602,774 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

51 of 53 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An eye-opener for all teachers and parents!, May 17, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (Paperback)

As the mother of a new baby boy and an elementary school teacher I found this book to be fascinating. Worrying about how to encourage our young boys to express their emotions without being ostracized by their peers is a delicate balancing act. While most of the book deals with school age boys/teenagers I found it most helpful as a teacher. It is the kind of book that made me think, "Yes, I've done that", or "That must have been what Joey was thinking when he did that." Pollack explains nicely the way we, as adults (and especially women) expect men to be sensitive and emotionally in touch but we discourage this behavior in young boys by shaming them for tears or encouraging them to "tough it out". The book provides real case studies from Pollack's work to illustrate how his ideas play out in real life. As a mother I don't have to worry about much of this for a while, but as a teacher I have already begun to rethink things I do and say to my fourth graders every day. A great read!

46 of 48 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The Catch-22 of Mothering Boys: Caught in the Middle, February 2, 2000

By	Cheryl H. Litzke, MFT (USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (Paperback)

Pollack's treatise of a very important issue is not only a timely one but is on the mark in many ways. Much of this very cogent book carries the basic theme of boys who are very sad, lonely, at risk and out of touch with others. Dr. Pollack wisely points out that when something happens to a girl that is unfair or even traumatic she is socialized to talk to a friend or another girl about it. Boys do not talk to each other about such things except in a competitive way which has to do both with their socialization process as well as their biology. As a family therapist in private practice, an assistant professor at MCP-Hahnemann University 's Department of Mental Health Sciences, I am aware of the many myths surrounding gender - what defines manhood and womanhood. I, too, believe that we are a world in danger of abandoning our important task of raising, caring responsible children. What I notice and wish to be able to address with the author is the way I as a woman and a mother felt that my son was "wretched from me", by a society that does not value close mother-son relationships. My thought is this; the more fathers can be in their sons life nurturing up close as well as guiding them from a distance, the less need there will be to rescue. Unfortunately we live in a society that has a tendency to devalue even denigrate nurturing behaviors. What's more, the two behaviors, fostering independence and nurturing have been seen as two different and separate sorts of things. Nurturing has been equated with molly-coddling. What's up with that? Let's start not just with mothers who seem always to be the persons we blame. Let's consult the media shapers in advertising and industry and do a real campaign. Through this book, "Real Boys", which did so much to open my eyes to the width, depth and breadth of this problem, we have a start. I agree that we have to do something to revise the myths. Bravo, Dr. Pollack.

45 of 48 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Before you trash it, consider this..., December 27, 2001

By	"wackyz_2000" (Minneapolis, Minnesota United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (Paperback)

There have been a number of complaints about this book ranging from thoughtful to narrow-minded and ridiculuous. Among the top three criticisms are: (1) it is based on vague "research" by the author (2) it is repetitive, and (my favorite) (3) it suggests that parents raise boys as effeminate or as "girls".

First of all, many of the people who reviewed this book complained that it was written in a clinical jargon, that at times, made it unavailable to the casual reader. In the same breath, these readers demand that scientific citations be presented every time Pollack begins a sentence with "My research shows". In essence, they are demanding scientific text devoid of scientific terminology. It's in the back, look it up. Furthermore, Pollack is a Ph.d in Psychology, and as such, probably does his research empirically. It is unlikely that he would publish phony results for all of his scientific peers to see and criticize if such results had no grounding in reality or even a kernel of truth to them.
I also feel that Pollack's seemigly repetitive writing style was a necessary ingredient in this book. He is not merely cudgeling us with case study after case study to make us cry, or to fill 400 pages. Rather, he is emphasizing the fact that the problems discussed in the text are problems for a great many boys and not just a few isolated incidences. A few depressed individuals is not news; an epidemic is. He is suggesting an epidemic.
Some individuals also stated that this book is based on common sense, such as don't call your son a "sissy" etc. If it is common sense, why is it still a problem? People need to be made aware of this growing epidemic and that many boys still recieve this treatment, despite it being common sense that they should not be raised that way.
Finally, there is the claim that Pollack is preaching that parents raise their boys as "girls" or to be "effeminate". This criticism is so ridiculous that it is almost unworthy of a rebuttle. These individuals are unable to imagine a nominal area between extremes; they are only able to see in black and white. Pollack is hardly suggesting that boys should cry every time they get a paper-cut in order to be in touch with their feelings. Rather, he confronts the fact that boys have been conditioned to hold in their deepest fears and anxieties; things that really damage a boy's sense of well-being if he is unable to express or work through them in any way. This is a completely different concept from teaching a boy to be a girl; it is encouraging the boy to be a human being.
It is true that this is not an "end-all-be-all" book about boys in the context of modern society. However, it is an important step forward in acknowledging the existence of a developing problem worthy of our consideration.