Customer Reviews

Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood

5 star:		(54)
4 star:		(37)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(10)
1 star:		(14)

 

 

There have been a number of complaints about this book ranging from thoughtful to narrow-minded and ridiculuous. Among the top three criticisms are: (1) it is based on vague "research" by the author (2) it is repetitive, and (my favorite) (3) it suggests that parents raise boys as effeminate or as "girls".

First of all, many of the people who reviewed this book complained that it was written in a clinical jargon, that at times, made it unavailable to the casual reader. In the same breath, these readers demand that scientific citations be presented every time Pollack begins a sentence with "My research shows". In essence, they are demanding scientific text devoid of scientific terminology. It's in the back, look it up. Furthermore, Pollack is a Ph.d in Psychology, and as such, probably does his research empirically. It is unlikely that he would publish phony results for all of his scientific peers to see and criticize if such results had no grounding in reality or even a kernel of truth to them.
I also feel that Pollack's seemigly repetitive writing style was a necessary ingredient in this book. He is not merely cudgeling us with case study after case study to make us cry, or to fill 400 pages. Rather, he is emphasizing the fact that the problems discussed in the text are problems for a great many boys and not just a few isolated incidences. A few depressed individuals is not news; an epidemic is. He is suggesting an epidemic.
Some individuals also stated that this book is based on common sense, such as don't call your son a "sissy" etc. If it is common sense, why is it still a problem? People need to be made aware of this growing epidemic and that many boys still recieve this treatment, despite it being common sense that they should not be raised that way.
Finally, there is the claim that Pollack is preaching that parents raise their boys as "girls" or to be "effeminate". This criticism is so ridiculous that it is almost unworthy of a rebuttle. These individuals are unable to imagine a nominal area between extremes; they are only able to see in black and white. Pollack is hardly suggesting that boys should cry every time they get a paper-cut in order to be in touch with their feelings. Rather, he confronts the fact that boys have been conditioned to hold in their deepest fears and anxieties; things that really damage a boy's sense of well-being if he is unable to express or work through them in any way. This is a completely different concept from teaching a boy to be a girl; it is encouraging the boy to be a human being.
It is true that this is not an "end-all-be-all" book about boys in the context of modern society. However, it is an important step forward in acknowledging the existence of a developing problem worthy of our consideration.

Having been blessed with all sons (ages 8 to 32), I've been able to see some of the external conflicts and internal workings as my babies grew into young men. This book supports what I've always suspected - boys are just as needy of nurturing (from both parents) as girls - perhaps more so, since to be emotionally needy and male in America is too often interpreted as a weakness.

During the 70's, I sometimes found it difficult to listen to the angry cries of my feminist sisters (and yes, I think women's minds are of equal value to men's) who too often seem to be accusing men of just being born 'bad,' rather than being formed and influenced by the actions and reactions of people, culture, environment.

We women expect our men (sons, husbands, friends and lovers) to be strong, yet sensitive. Their peers often expect them to be 'a man' - strong, not 'a wuss.' Trapped in a double-bind, most men respond to the heavy peer pressure, and turn off most of their emotions.

When a son hits adolescence, with the body and voice of a grown man, we often think that means he is a man, and should act like one. Without defining clearly what that is (for there are often contradictions), just when they need us most, we set them free in a world that is confusing, demanding, and frightening. (And if you find your self thinking there's nothing wrong with that, since that's what being a man means, I beg you to read this book!)

Little boys are expected to move away from their mother by five or six (to not do so means they'll have 'problems' later in life). When a young boy smacks a friend, we might just throw up our hands and say "boys will be boys." Worse, when an elementary school boy kisses a girl he likes, he may be accused of sexual harrassment.

What is a parent to do? Pollack encourages parents to recognize and support the value in the different styles of parenting found in fathers and mothers - complementary, instead of competitive, styles gives more to the children.

Instead of pushing young boys out early to 'be a man,' Pollack supports parents who allow their children to stay connected - to them, and to their own emotions. He encourages parents to find out what is going on behind those 'it doesn't hurt' looks on faces.

Although written before the Columbine horror, one of the most important parts of this book is the last third, dealing with issues of violence and young men. Suicide, homicide, bullying are rampant (stats are in the book.) Anger is one of the few emotions boys are allowed to express openly - fear and hurt are no-no's for a boy who wants to be a "real man."

This book has been extremely helpful to me, supporting things I've seen my former mother-in-law do - nurture her sons. Too often the idea of a mother nurturing her sons is thought to be emasculating - evidently, the opposite is true. Many fathers, too, will find encouragement in this book - and I suspect since they know more than I ever will about growing up male in America, much of this will ring true to them.

The book isn't perfectly honed - there are portions that have logic that isn't fully explained - but this is a thick, enjoyable read that only hits the tip of the iceberg (he doesn't spend a lot of time on growing up male in different cultures within America - that would be another book in and of itself).

A must read for teachers, social workers, youth leaders, therapists, this book is also a good source of information and consulation for young men and those who love them.

As the mother of a new baby boy and an elementary school teacher I found this book to be fascinating. Worrying about how to encourage our young boys to express their emotions without being ostracized by their peers is a delicate balancing act. While most of the book deals with school age boys/teenagers I found it most helpful as a teacher. It is the kind of book that made me think, "Yes, I've done that", or "That must have been what Joey was thinking when he did that." Pollack explains nicely the way we, as adults (and especially women) expect men to be sensitive and emotionally in touch but we discourage this behavior in young boys by shaming them for tears or encouraging them to "tough it out". The book provides real case studies from Pollack's work to illustrate how his ideas play out in real life. As a mother I don't have to worry about much of this for a while, but as a teacher I have already begun to rethink things I do and say to my fourth graders every day. A great read!

Pollack's treatise of a very important issue is not only a timely one but is on the mark in many ways. Much of this very cogent book carries the basic theme of boys who are very sad, lonely, at risk and out of touch with others. Dr. Pollack wisely points out that when something happens to a girl that is unfair or even traumatic she is socialized to talk to a friend or another girl about it. Boys do not talk to each other about such things except in a competitive way which has to do both with their socialization process as well as their biology. As a family therapist in private practice, an assistant professor at MCP-Hahnemann University 's Department of Mental Health Sciences, I am aware of the many myths surrounding gender - what defines manhood and womanhood. I, too, believe that we are a world in danger of abandoning our important task of raising, caring responsible children. What I notice and wish to be able to address with the author is the way I as a woman and a mother felt that my son was "wretched from me", by a society that does not value close mother-son relationships. My thought is this; the more fathers can be in their sons life nurturing up close as well as guiding them from a distance, the less need there will be to rescue. Unfortunately we live in a society that has a tendency to devalue even denigrate nurturing behaviors. What's more, the two behaviors, fostering independence and nurturing have been seen as two different and separate sorts of things. Nurturing has been equated with molly-coddling. What's up with that? Let's start not just with mothers who seem always to be the persons we blame. Let's consult the media shapers in advertising and industry and do a real campaign. Through this book, "Real Boys", which did so much to open my eyes to the width, depth and breadth of this problem, we have a start. I agree that we have to do something to revise the myths. Bravo, Dr. Pollack.

I'm a guy who works with teenagers and I found this book extremely interesting and useful. I found much of what I've learned about boys through my own experience to be closely reflected in Pollack's book. Over and over the boys the author talks about reminded me of boys I've worked with, and I feel that Pollack's insights have really helped me gain a better understanding of the reasons behind some of the behaviors I have observed in boys.

I especially liked the "mix" of sound research and practical advice. The book has the depth that a foremost clinical psychologist can provide, but at the same time it's not overly theoretical. There are lots of practical suggestions that I know will help me do a better job working with boys.

I can't quite give the book five stars for two main reasons: First, the book is sometimes a little verbose and repetitive; second, while the first several chapters are a very easy and fascinating read, I found the later chapters a little "flatter" (again, more repetition than new insights). Nonetheless, I really think that many teachers, coaches, and mentors (besides parents, of course) could benefit greatly from reading this book. Strongly recommended.

This is a book about the pervase, institutionalized child abuse that turns innocent boys with open hearts into shut-down, terrorized creatures of constant shame. It explains beautifully how it is possible that sweet-hearted children, who happen to be male, can grow up into numb dehumanized men, out of touch with affection. It provides one very plausible explanation why so many of our young men are depressed, violent, or substance-addicted. Even if a boy is never raped, hit, or otherwise physically abused, it is possible for him to suffer corrosive abuse that threatens his mental health. Indeed, it is happening right now in millions of homes and schools in North America.

The abuse Pollack describes is something we are all tacitly agreeing to impose on our boys and men. It is something we can change, one boy at a time. But doing so requires a new critical view of mainstream norms of masculinity, and the development of awareness of extremely subtle symptoms of emotionally troubled boys. Pollack provides all of this and much more.

If you are raising or helping to raise boys, and if you have a clue what it means to have an open heart, and to embrace the full gamut of emotional experience and expression, you need to read this book. You will need the framework it provides for raising boys into open-hearted, strong-hearted men with as much familiarity with love, joy, sorrow, and fear as they have with rage and dirty jokes.

You will also need courage, dedication, and willingness to be seen as the local lunatic who allows his son to cry.

I was a boy once. Now I'm a dad. My childhood wasn't even so bad: my father was present, never violent, washed dishes and cooked... a man ahead of his time, I suppose. But I assumed at the age of eighteen that I had no emotional life: a lacuna I thought a virtue.

Having now lived as a man for 20 years, I can attest that the "boy code" of emotional silence about which Pollack writes has hobbled my adult life; it is only because my wife is endlessly patient and forgiving that I am at all whole. She's allowed me to explore a more complex approach to emotional awareness and expression than "happy" "ok," and 'ballistic," which is what many men are stuck with.

When I read this book I found myself exclaiming out loud, "He's right! He's so right!" every other page. Pollack is the first author I've ever read to describe life as a boy accurately. It has changed how I am raising my son in many ways, the most important of which is to help him learn a full range of emotional expression.

Every man should read this book. You will be moved to tears, in recognition of the ways you have been boxed into your helplessness about emotional comprehension and expression, and you will be able to get on and grow. And if you're a father of a boy, you will change how you are raising him.

I read this book right after Columbine. I believed that what happened was definitely a "Boy" problem and being a mother of three teenage boys with a gun owner/ hunter father, I had to get all the information I could, to help my sons, their friends and the other Mothers of sons. I was scared and sad. However after I read the book I would talk to anyone within earshot about all that I had learned about the sensitivity of boys and how important MOM is in the lives of boys even into their adulthood. American moms are too eager to push our boys out into the world even into nursery school before they need or want it, because we want the respite, if even for a little bit, from our active, messy boys.

I am guilty of the big push too! However after reading Real Boys I am much more prepared and knowledgable about what I say now to the young men that live with me and will forever call me MOM.

This book is an absolutely must read for every Mom of every boy no matter what age.I never thought so hard or cried so much. Thank you Dr. Pollack

This book is presented as the male version of Reviving Ophelia. It addresses what our society needs to do to allow "real boys" to be free of "gender straight-jacketing", a term used by the author to denote those actions and feelings to be avoided by boys in our society so as not to be considered effeminate. The author also addresses the "mask" of boys. He identifies this as the denial of those actions and feelings used by boys to avoid feelings of shame brought on by others' knowledge of anything deemed less than truly masculine.

Some excellent ideas are presented. There are two chapters which, I feel, contain particularly valuable information. The first is how schools can assist boys who are "acting out" in an effort to assuage their emotional pain. The second is how others can help boys who are feeling the pain of their parents' divorce. Those chapters and others describe causes of emotional pain, symptoms, and measures that can be taken to deal with problems specific to boys. All of the text is inextricably bound up with the idea of "gender straight-jacketing". A more heavy-handed editor could have made this book much easier to read. I feel much of the information is repetitive and long-winded. Nevertheless, the important information contained in the book makes it worthwhile reading despite this unfortunate drawback.

The author writes about his research findings from his study of boys and their emotional life. He explains the "boy code" and how society imposes a "gender straightjacket" on boys. The expectation is that boys are not to be emotionally expressive, otherwise they may be viewed as less than masculine, that those that are interested in art, music, or anything other than sports are viewed as "sissies", and that the educational system is heavily biased towards girl's learning style, which is, to learn by listening and seeing, rather than the boy's style, which is generally, learn by doing. The author sites that boys are suffering from depression on an epidemic proportion. This depression is a consequence of not being able to freely experience their feelings of sadness, loneliness, etc, and the innability to express these feelings to friends or family for fear of being shamed. The author states that boy's acting out and what often is seen as disciplinary problems, often are rooted in legitimate emotional needs that are not being met. The author recommends that parents and society begin to accept boys in the full spectrum of human emotion, that they be freed from the "gender straightjacket" much as women have been progressing towards being freed of our own in the last decades. He urges parents to stay connected to their boys, always available to listen empathically, acknowledging the difficulties the boys encounter in their dayly life. We are to make our homes safe havens where boys can be themselves and safely talk about and express feelings and concerns. In this I'm remimded of one of Mother Teresas's famous sayings: "Make the home a center of compassion and forgive endlessly". We are to encourage and sponsor boy relationships with friends of both sexes, so that they may develop relationships of greater emotional intimacy and support. We are to guard against coaches and teachers who shame boys when they make mistakes or fail. Parents must stay involved in their son's activities whether in school or in sports to make sure they are in a supportive environment, helping school personnel to abandon the "gender straightjacket" mentality by sponsoring workshops in the schools, and talking to other parents and teachers about the myths of boyhood and the need to free our sons from it. I've come away from this book with the feeling that the author really cares about boys and the difficulties they are encountering, he makes a passionate plea to society to help boys by shedding our gender stereotypes and begin accepting a full range of personal expression. This book makes a lot of sense, it seems that we should be able to put into practice its common sense suggestions to the benefit of all, specially our boys.