The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy [Hardcover]

Toby Thompkins (Author), Victoria Rowell (Foreword)

Book Description

Publication Date: October 22, 2004

In this warm, sensitive and straightforward self-help guide for African American women, Toby Thompkins explores the triumphs, struggles and lessons necessary to transcend the stereotypes and overcome the consequences of being a "strong black woman." Culled from interviews with both black women and black men from all walks of life, the personal stories Thompkins uses to illustrate his ideas and communicate his healing message illustrate the costs involved in measuring up to this archetypal image, one of the most powerful and enduring in American society.

In reality, as Thompkins demonstrates, despite the almost universal respect and deference afforded the strong black women ideal, it can be more limiting than it is empowering. Too often, women of color feel compelled to become "chronic caregivers," sacrificing their ability to become truly free and fulfilled individuals-at great emotional and physical cost. Thompkins makes the case for the need to supplant the myth of the strong black woman, particularly so that women can better understand and respond to their urgent need to care for themselves. He offers effective strategies by which women of any color can reclaim themselves and create lives characterized by new dimensions of fulfillment, love and joy.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Near the beginning of this thoughtful, sensitive self-help book, Thompkins tells the story of how his mother, a "Strong Black Woman" and hardworking nurse, eventually found happiness after suffering a mild heart attack. "She discovered true inner peace for the first time," he writes. "Watching Mom reach this level of self-acceptance, self-caretaking, self-love and self-forgiveness was the greatest gift she could have given me." Now the life coach and professional speaker aims to help other Strong Black Women find that sort of peace. His approach is refreshingly nuanced: rather than lay out seven golden rules for Strong Black Women to follow, he offers probing questions, practical suggestions and dozens of first hand accounts from the women themselves and from the men whose lives they’ve influenced (sons, husbands, lovers, friends). Thus, his book functions as a starting point for deeper dialog and understanding. Chapters on mother-daughter relationships, dating, keeping the faith, creating a meaningful livelihood, healing from loss and reclaiming joy are arranged to cover all the permutations of self, platonic and romantic love. And Thompkins clearly has gone out of his way to include a variety of viewpoints, including those of people involved in interracial or gay or lesbian relationships. "By the sole virtues of my race and gender I was supposed to be the consummate professional, handle my life crisis, be the dependable rock for every soul who needed me, and, yes—the classic—require less from my lovers than they did from me," one woman explains. Thompkins shows women how to find a way out of that bind without losing their independence or themselves.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

Thompkins weighs in on the pros and cons of the myth of the strong black woman. Conceding the doubts that will be provoked by a black man writing about a black woman's issues, Thompkins is nonetheless quite sensitive and offers the perspective of black men in the historic perpetuation of the myth, which he notes has created costly emotional baggage for black women. Basing his work on interviews with black women (and men) from a range of ages, backgrounds, and classes, Thompkins relates the individual experiences of women being "chronic caregivers," overly sacrificial, and neglectful of what they need to nurture themselves and others. He examines romantic, platonic, and self-love and offers advice on how women can balance their own interests and those of others. He admonishes women not to become trapped in the image of strength and lose sight of their own personal needs. Although the focus is culturally specific to black women, he broadens his advice to include women of all races. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 190 pages
• Publisher: Agate Publishing; 1st edition (October 22, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1932841008
• ISBN-13: 978-1932841008
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,950,163 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Toby Thompkins is the Essence magazine bestselling author of The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy (Agate, September 2004) and numerous articles about personal growth, relationships, and cultural and social healing. He is also a leading Speaker, Executive Coach and Diversity Consultant working with Fortune 500 companies on issues of work life balance, managing success, leadership, and personal and organizational change. He draws upon 20 years of experience as a corporate executive and management consultant in organizational change and effectiveness, cultural diversity, work/life quality and leadership development. He has an undergraduate degree in psychology and political science and a master's degree in public administration. As an expert, Toby has been sought for comment by publications including the New York Times, The Harvard Business Review, The Chicago Tribune, and The Miami Herald/El Nuevo Herald.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Strong Black Women, December 27, 2004

By 

soulonice (Arlington, TX) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy (Hardcover)

The best thing about this book to me is from top to bottom, from the first to the last page, you read the material, and you find yourself knowing some of the people's stories very well, maybe even your own. For me, I saw some of my mother, a little of my ex, some of my co-workers, some from other black women I've come across in my life, and so forth. At the beginning of the book he talks about three types of love: platonic, romantic, and self-love. There's a simple way of evaluating how much of each you have in your lives, and I found myself asking that question as I read the book. The book is sort of in the mold of works by bell hooks and other writers, speakers, and such who are advocates of self-love. There are stories about the mother/daughter relationship, stories about dating, and some about what men want from Strong Black Women today. That section really caught my attention, because I was eager to see what some men had to say about sisters and so forth. This section, as well as the others, gets very in-depth, so you should be able to take a piece from every section and apply it to your life and situation. The author interviewed people in the ages from as early as their 20s to as late as their 80s and 90s, so there is a diverse collection of stories, comments and such in the book. There are many lessons which can be taken from this book, so that in itself makes it worth checking out.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Real Women....Real Joy!!, March 30, 2005

By 

Phyllis Rhodes (Orlando, FL USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy (Hardcover)

Toby Thompkin's release The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy opens with a foreword, from Victoria Rowell, calling black women of the world to lean upon their courage to accept love and joy into their lives. Thompkins goes on to explain that preexisting myths of "the strong black woman" have possibly done more harm than good by creating generations of problem-solvers, self-sacrificing nurturers, and steel magnolias. These are women who often forfeit true love, peace, and happiness while caring for, working for, and/or bearing the burdens of others. The author encourages self-examination, self-love, and self-preservation by dissecting the psyche and offering candid views into the essence of self-described strong black women.

After interviewing hundreds of women and a few men, Thompkins organizes his findings and observations across key areas such as: mother-daughter relationships, dating, straight and lesbian relationships, emotional abandonment, and even a male perspective commenting on what men want from and for strong black women. He also defines the myth of the "strong black woman" and references legacies of the slave trade, racism, and classism that helped fuel the myth of the black `Wonder Woman.' He comments on how the fallacy is often and easily repeated in every generation. Each chapter includes soul-baring life experiences, lessons learned, and words of wisdom from women of all ages and socio-economic backgrounds. The chapters close with heartfelt, positive affirmations which promote spiritual healing and behavior awareness. This is a worthwhile and educational body of work that can be read in its entirety or selectively as it addresses a specific life situation.

Reviewed by Phyllis

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Getting to the root of it all, February 5, 2005

By 

cielle (St. Louis, MO) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy (Hardcover)

There are so many definitions of what a strong black woman is or is not and whether it's a positive or negative attribute. I enjoyed reading Thompkins perspective on the evolution of strong black women and how they can be strong, yet also live a satisfying life for themselves. He provides a source of reflection that I believe all black women would find helpful in revitalizing their lives and strengthening the bonds of sisterhood.