Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together [Hardcover]

Mark Driscoll (Author), Grace Driscoll (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 3, 2012

Most marriage books assume the author did it right. Most marriage books barely mention friendship. Most marriage books use “intimacy” as code for “sex.” This is not one of those books.

In Real Marriage, Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace, share how they have struggled and how they have found healing through the power of the only reliable source: the Bible. They believe friendship is fundamental to marriage but not easy to maintain. So they offer practical advice on how to make your spouse your best friend – and keep it that way. And they know from experience that sex-related issues need to be addressed directly.

Five chapters are dedicated to answering questions like:

• Should I confess my pre-marital sexual sin to my spouse?
• Is it okay to have a “work spouse”?
• What does the Bible say about masturbation and oral sex?

Stunningly honest and vulnerable, Real Marriage is like a personal counseling session with a couple you cannot surprise, you cannot shock into silence, who will respond to every question with wisdom, humility, and realism.

If you want to have a long-lasting, fulfilling marriage you should read this book. Wrestle with this book. Pray over this book. Share this book. And discover how God can use it to change your life.

Endorsements:

“If you’re married or plan to be someday, do yourself a favor and read every page of this book.” —DRS. LES & LESLIE PARROTT Founders of RealRelationships.com and authors of Love Talk

“Whether engaged, newlywed, or veteran, Real Marriage will serve as an invaluable resource. I highly recommend this book.” —ANDY STANLEY author of The Grace of God and Senior Pastor, North Point Community Church

"One of my greatest concerns is that culture is going to continually define and redefine what marriage is and is not, and the church is going to simply sit on the sidelines and react rather than seeking to actually become proactive by confidently teaching what the Bible has to say about it.  That is why I am so thankful that Mark and Grace Driscoll wrote this book.  Their approach to marriage, its benefits and challenges are transparent and challenging and I honestly believe that every married couple who will work through what they lead us through in this book will not just merely have a marriage that survives in this world but rather thrives in it." — PERRY NOBLE Senior Pastor, NewSpring Church

"Our thanks to Mark and Grace Driscoll who have served this generation well by tastefully but boldly addressing the real issues facing real marriages. Taking the unchanging truth of God’s word and sprinkling in is the story of God’s mercy in their own marriage they have filled every chapter with real helpfulness. This book is powerful, biblical, practical and healing for marriages that hurt. My wife and our adult children read it to great profit." — DR. JAMES MACDONALD Senior Pastor, Harvest Bible Chapel and Bible teacher for Walk in the Word

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Pastor Mark Driscoll is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington and is one of the world's most-downloaded and quoted pastors. His audience--fans and critics alike--spans the theological and cultural left and right. He was also named one of the "25 Most Influential Pastors of the Past 25 Years" by Preaching magazine, and his sermons are consistently #1 on iTunes each week for Religion & Spirituality with over 10 million of downloads each year.

Pastor Mark received a B.A. in Speech Communication from the Edward R. Murrow School of Communication at Washington State University, and he holds a masters degree in Exegetical Theology from Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon. He is the author of fifteen books.

In 1996, at the age of twenty-five, Pastor Mark and his wife, Grace, with the vision to make disciples of Jesus and plant churches, started a small Bible study at their home in Seattle, which at the time was the least churched city in America. Since that time, by God's grace, the church has exploded with upwards of nineteen thousand people meeting across thirteen locations in four states (Washington, Oregon, California, and New Mexico). Mars Hill has been recognized as the 54th largest, 30th fastest-growing, and 2nd most-innovative church in America by Outreach magazine.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Thomas Nelson (January 3, 2012)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 140020383X
• ISBN-13: 978-1400203833
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.3 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (443 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #25,529 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Pastor Mark Driscoll is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington and is one of the world's most-downloaded and quoted pastors. His audience--fans and critics alike--spans the theological and cultural left and right. He was also named one of the "25 Most Influential Pastors of the Past 25 Years" by Preaching magazine, and his sermons are consistently #1 on iTunes each week for Religion & Spirituality with over 10 million of downloads each year.

Pastor Mark received a B.A. in Speech Communication from the Edward R. Murrow School of Communication at Washington State University, and he holds a masters degree in Exegetical Theology from Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon. He is the author of fifteen books.

In 1996, at the age of twenty-five, Pastor Mark and his wife, Grace, with the vision to make disciples of Jesus and plant churches, started a small Bible study at their home in Seattle, which at the time was the least churched city in America. Since that time, by God's grace, the church has exploded with upwards of nineteen thousand people meeting across thirteen locations in four states (Washington, Oregon, California, and New Mexico). Mars Hill has been recognized as the 54th largest, 30th fastest-growing, and 2nd most-innovative church in America by Outreach magazine.

Pastor Mark is the co-founder of the Acts 29 Network, which has planted over 400 churches in the US, in addition to thirteen other nations. He founded the Resurgence, which receives close to six million visits annually and services Christian leaders through books, blogs, conferences, and classes. And he is co-founder of Churches Helping Churches with Pastor James MacDonald, which raised over $2.7 million to help rebuild churches in Haiti and empower them minister and provide aide to the Haitian community, and helped deliver $1.7 million in medical supplies to the devastated country.

With a skillful mix of bold presentation, clear biblical teaching, and compassion for those who are hurting the most--in particular, women who are victims of sexual and physical abuse and assault--Driscoll has taken biblical Christianity into cultural corners previously unexplored by evangelicals. In the same year that he spoke at a Gospel Coalition conference with notable contemporary theologians like John Piper and Tim Keller, he also discussed biblical sexuality as a guest on Loveline with Dr. Drew, was featured on Nightline, and preached for Rick Warren at Saddleback Community Church.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

166 of 186 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars Underwhelmed January 14, 2012

By Leigh

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

This is the first book I've read by Mark Driscoll. I'll admit it: I was drawn in by a desire to see what all the fuss is about. After reading it, my conclusion is that there's more smoke than fire. Sure, some of the content is going to be shocking to some folks, but other books on Christian marriage also cover the same topics--better.

The first part of the book is about marriage. Mark and Grace share bluntly about their marriage and sexual history, including Grace's history of sexual assault. Mark also talks quite bluntly about a period in their marriage when Grace was what he describes as "frigid." On one hand I appreciate their transparency. Their story shows the difficulties our sexual pasts can put on a marriage, and the hope of finding wholeness despite our pasts. On the other hand--well, we'll get that in a minute. They also emphasize the importance of friendship in marriage. Mark writes a chapter to men and Grace writes a chapter to women, both from the complementarian or male headship perspective. Chapter 5 talks about sin and how it affects our marriage relationships.

Part two is about sex. Chapter Six is a theology of sex. Chapter 7 is written by Grace and talks about healing from sexual abuse. Chapter 8 is a great explanation of the dangers and exploitation associated with pornography. Chapter 9 talks about the attitude we should have toward marital sex--servant as opposed to selfish. Chapter 10 is the infamous "Can we___" chapter--less shocking than some reviewers have made it out to be, though I disagree with some of his conclusions. And his approach. And his exegesis. We'll get to that in a minute, too....

The last chapter is a sort of "reverse engineering"--imagining what you want your marriage to be like in the future, and planning backwards so you live in a way that will get you there.

There were some things about the book I liked. I appreciated the candor with which Mark and Grace shared their story. I liked the emphasis on friendship within marriage. As I said above, I thought the chapter on pornography was well researched and well written. I also liked the reverse engineering concept as applied to marriage.

But there were a whole bunch of things I didn't like.

I really felt sorry for Grace in the first part of the book as I read Mark's treatment of her and emotional reponse to learning she had cheated on him--when they were in high school. Granted, he admits that he was sinful and has repented and been forgiven. Fine. And as a pastor's wife I know that no pastor's marriage is immune from conflict. One of the things that bugs me though, is that during this period of pretty intense marital and sexual conflict, he was apparently teaching on sexual freedom in marriage through the Song of Solomon--one of the series that really started garnering him serious attention, as well as counseling other couples on sex in their marriages. I'm not saying that pastors shouldn't preach on issues they don't have total victory in, but preaching on an area you're experiencing strong crisis in is not wise. I'm also not over the paragraph where he talked about a pregnant Grace cutting her hair as putting her needs as a mom over her role as a wife. Really?

I'm also not over the part where he tells men that they need to be providers so their wives will respect them and that a man whose wife works outside the home is worse than an unbeliever. Really?

I also disliked that in the chapter on selfish sex, every example of selfishness Driscoll gives is about *witholding* sex. Is it not also possible to be selfish in the way you *demand* sex? Or selfish in seeking your own pleasure without taking into consideration your spouse's needs? I felt this chapter was very much written from a male point of view.

Chapter 10--"Can we ____?" Heh. I had a couple thoughts here. Again, Driscoll does a great job in chapter 7 talking about the dangers of pornography. I wish that he had made the connnection that the reason folks are asking questions about the practices he discusses is because of the influence of pornography, whether directly or indirectly. I also think his grid: is it lawful? is it helpful? is it enslaving? is incomplete. Amongh other things, I'd add: is it holy? Driscoll also follow the evangelical trend of finding specific sexual acts described in the Song of Songs. It's poetry, people. Get a grip. There is one specific practice I can't name directly or I won't get past the filters that Driscoll winds up saying may be okay if both husband and wife are in agreement. On that issue I think he should really have stressed more the physical risk to the wife. I much prefer the discussion on the same topic in Kevin Leman's Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.

There's some good stuff here, but it's so interwoven with problematic material that I'd have a hard time recommending this book to anyone, really. There's better books on marriage out there, folks. If you want to read something by Driscoll, great. If you really want a book about marriage or sex from a Christian perspective, go elsewhere. Read more ›

116 of 135 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars Life in the Garden of Driscoll January 24, 2012

By Help me understand

Format:Hardcover

This book disturbed me, so much so that my immediate and visceral reaction was "I want to protect my daughter from men like Mark Driscoll."

The first half of the book is an intermingling of personal narrative and pastoral counsel. The personal narrative is primarily a specific and detailed litany of Grace's sins against Mark (i.e., cutting her hair, being late, lying during premarital counseling, withholding sex, and not being adventurous enough in the bedroom). There is no corresponding litany of Mark's sins. The only sins Mark admits to are: a) purity code violations prior to marriage; and b) sinful responses to Grace's sins against him.

Mark does tell how he has changed his behavior, replacing sinful responses with godly responses. But, he never takes the next step of rewriting his story in a way that acknowledges his full complicity in the Driscoll family sin drama. Grace remains the lead sinner, while Mark plays only a supporting role.

This is very important because it is the personal narrative in the first half of the book - not the pastoral counsel in the first half of the book - that becomes the implicit framework for the practical counsel on sex in the second half of the book. Mark did/men do struggle with purity, so there's a great discussion of porn. But apart from that, sin in the bedroom is assigned to Grace/the wife. Chapter 9 is ostensibly a general discussion of selfish versus servant love in the bedroom. In principle, that could have been the jumping off point for a balanced discussion of the variety of ways in which husbands and wives sin against each other in the bedroom. In practice, however, the chapter is little more than a list of the ways in which wives withhold sex (just as Grace withheld sex).... Similarly, Chapter 10 is about adventure in the bedroom, with the conclusion being that almost everything on the list of possible adventures that husbands desire is consistent with Scripture (in contrast to Grace's earlier attitudes, which led to behavior that was not sufficiently responsive to Mark's Scripture-consistent preferences).

So, there you have it. In the absence of his porn usage, it's all her fault.

I don't disagree with the Driscolls' characterization of the typical wife's sin patterns. But, I also don't think the typical husband is as blameless as Chapters 9 and 10 imply. Read more ›

193 of 228 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars As Real And Raw As It Gets January 3, 2012

By David P. Craig TOP 1000 REVIEWER

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

At the outset, there is no doubt about it; this book is going to be controversial. However, before I spend the rest of this review focused on the controversy that will ensue, I think that there is a ton of good advice, encouragement, and -- take it from a pastor that's been married for twenty years with five kids myself (ironically like Mark) - they make marriage as real as it gets, the ups and downs, the agonies and ecstasies, and the thrills of victory with the help of Jesus at the center of it all.

We live in a culture where we are bombarded with sexual images, discussions, and details that sometimes feel like a barrage from which we can never get away from - and I don't think we will encounter less, but an increasingly greater exposure to all things related to sex. Many pastors and theologians will attack this book in particular for the issues the Driscoll's discuss. They are very open and honestly discuss and tackle a lot of the questions that never get asked "in church." However, in my experience as a pastor and life coach I am grateful that the Driscoll's address the reality of the times in which we are living. No sexual rock is left unturned - but dealt with thoughtfully, theologically, and forthrightly.

I think one of the reasons for so much open talk about sex is the fact that the Driscoll's minister to literally thousands of men and women in their early twenties - and it happens to be a very hot topic in their context.

Perhaps the best contribution of this book is how the Driscoll's turned a marriage on the rocks into a marriage on the Rock - built on the solid foundation that is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ through repentance and faith. Too many partners have the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality.... The Driscoll's demonstrate that all things are possible with God's guidance and wisdom and especially with Christ at the center of a marriage. Mark states this very important truth, "There are no loving marriages apart from repentance and forgiveness. Marriage either gets bitter or better." They show how a difficult and broken marriage can be repaired, restored, resurrected, renewed, and rejuvenated by the amazing grace of God through the Lord Jesus Christ. The good news is that it's never to late to repent and change with God's help.

I would hesitate to recommend this book to just anyone. Mark and Grace's style may be too open, vulnerable, and transparent for some people. Also, some of their advise is definitely in the extra/non-biblical category. You will encounter the "reality" of marriage from "real" people who are seeking to do things God's way for the long haul. If you are "old school" and squeamish about frank talk on sex - I would encourage you to just skip chapter 10. I am grateful that they are willing to be authentic and transparent in addressing issues in such a sexualized culture as ours - especially in a church (Mars Hill) with so many young people asking the questions they are addressing. Whether you agree with what they say in chapter 10 or not - it's important that you read this in context of the whole book.

If you are a pastor, counselor, or life coach and reading this review I would ask that you read the book first and prayerfully decide whether you would recommend it or not. I will use some its contents in my own marriage and in helping others - again there is a lot of good stuff in this book - a lot of practical applications. There are some things that I agree wholeheartedly with, and others that I do not. I would encourage you also to read Tim Challies' review on his blog, and Albert Mohler's review on his blog to see some specific warnings and examples of why this book needs to be taken with a grain of salt - as they say.

There are simply too many other good books on marriage that I can recommend without a single caveat or reservation that are out there: Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage," R.C. Sproul's "The Intimate Marriage", "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs, and also "What Did You Expect?" by Paul Tripp, "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas, "Marriage Matters" by Winston T. Smith, and "When Sinners Say 'I Do'" by Dave Harvey would all be books that I would recommend wholeheartedly as books that are biblically and theologically right on - without all the controversy.

However, don't let some of the "chaff" of this book (and the negative reviews that are sure to come) keep you from enjoying and benefiting from the multitude of wheat (that which is beneficial and practical) contained in the pages of this book. I think chapter 11 with its plethora of ideas, questions, and principles for discussion are more than worth the price of the book. I am grateful for Mark and Grace's ministry in their home, for the sake of Christ's Church, and their commitment to tackle all things related to the gospel through the lenses of Scripture, their own experiences, and with a passion for Jesus Christ. Read more ›