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111 of 124 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Disappointing, January 19, 2012
This review is from: Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together (Hardcover)
Like many other readers, I'm concerned by the Driscolls' treatment of sexuality. I'm writing a review not to pile on, but because I think my concerns differ somewhat from those expressed in most other reviews. Much of the book tells the story of Grace growing spiritually and as a result, being better able to meet Mark's felt need for frequent sex and for adventure in the bedroom. Grace's story will undoubtedly be an encouragement to many women. I agree with the idea that as a wife, I should give of myself to my husband in the bedroom. What concerns me about the book is that there is no apparent mutuality in the Real Marriage bedroom. The book doesn't discuss how a wife's felt sexual needs differ from those of her husband. Nor is there much in the way of admonishment to husbands to meet their wives' needs. There is very little discussion of common female concerns and preferences. (As an aside, kudos to Tim and Kathy Keller for being willing to share the typical wife's sometime assessment of adventure in the bedroom - "it hurt".) The book's lack of mutuality concerns me because I think tenderness in the bedroom is one of the primary ways that God grows a husband's empathy for his wife. (As a second aside, I also think that this is one of the many, many reasons why wives should be responsive to their husbands.) In focusing almost exclusively on what a husband wants in the bedroom, the Driscolls follow a growing evangelical trend of equating sexuality with male sexuality. I'm not so much bothered by what they say as I am very disappointed by what they don't say. So, for better or worse, I guess I'm one of the few readers who wishes the Driscolls had said more about sex.
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155 of 182 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
As Real And Raw As It Gets, January 3, 2012
This review is from: Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together (Hardcover)
At the outset, there is no doubt about it; this book is going to be controversial. However, before I spend the rest of this review focused on the controversy that will ensue, I think that there is a ton of good advice, encouragement, and -- take it from a pastor that's been married for twenty years with five kids myself (ironically like Mark) - they make marriage as real as it gets, the ups and downs, the agonies and ecstasies, and the thrills of victory with the help of Jesus at the center of it all. Whenever you have a large following (Mark influences literally hundreds of thousands of people through pastoring, church planting, speaking, writing, blogging, and vlogging) you are an easy target for the enemy and enemies. I can already predict that the legalists are going to come out of the woodworks on this one - for two reasons - one will simply be out of jealousy over the Driscoll's success, and another reason will be for the candidness with which the Driscoll's discuss matters related to sex. The reality is that we live in a culture where we are bombarded with sexual images, discussions, and details that sometimes feel like a barrage from which we can never get away from - and I don't think we will encounter less, but an increasingly greater exposure to all things related to sex. Many pastors and theologians will attack this book in particular for the issues the Driscoll's discuss. They are very open and honestly discuss and tackle a lot of the questions that never get asked "in church." However, in my experience as a pastor and life coach I am grateful that the Driscoll's address the reality of the times in which we are living. No sexual rock is left unturned - but dealt with thoughtfully, theologically, and forthrightly. I think one of the reasons for so much open talk about sex is the fact that the Driscoll's minister to literally thousands of men and women in their early twenties - and it happens to be a very hot topic in their context. Perhaps the best contribution of this book is how the Driscoll's turned a marriage on the rocks into a marriage on the Rock - built on the solid foundation that is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ through repentance and faith. Too many partners have the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. The Driscoll's demonstrate that all things are possible with God's guidance and wisdom and especially with Christ at the center of a marriage. Mark states this very important truth, "There are no loving marriages apart from repentance and forgiveness. Marriage either gets bitter or better." They show how a difficult and broken marriage can be repaired, restored, resurrected, renewed, and rejuvenated by the amazing grace of God through the Lord Jesus Christ. The good news is that it's never to late to repent and change with God's help. I would hesitate to recommend this book to just anyone. Mark and Grace's style may be too open, vulnerable, and transparent for some people. Also, some of their advise is definitely in the extra/non-biblical category. You will encounter the "reality" of marriage from "real" people who are seeking to do things God's way for the long haul. If you are "old school" and squeamish about frank talk on sex - I would encourage you to just skip chapter 10. I am grateful that they are willing to be authentic and transparent in addressing issues in such a sexualized culture as ours - especially in a church (Mars Hill) with so many young people asking the questions they are addressing. Whether you agree with what they say in chapter 10 or not - it's important that you read this in context of the whole book. If you are a pastor, counselor, or life coach and reading this review I would ask that you read the book first and prayerfully decide whether you would recommend it or not. I will use some its contents in my own marriage and in helping others - again there is a lot of good stuff in this book - a lot of practical applications. There are some things that I agree wholeheartedly with, and others that I do not. I would encourage you also to read Tim Challies' review on his blog, and Albert Mohler's review on his blog to see some specific warnings and examples of why this book needs to be taken with a grain of salt - as they say. There are simply too many other good books on marriage that I can recommend without a single caveat or reservation that are out there: Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage," R.C. Sproul's "The Intimate Marriage", "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs, and also "What Did You Expect?" by Paul Tripp, "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas, "Marriage Matters" by Winston T. Smith, and "When Sinners Say 'I Do'" by Dave Harvey would all be books that I would recommend wholeheartedly as books that are biblically and theologically right on - without all the controversy. However, don't let some of the "chaff" of this book (and the negative reviews that are sure to come) keep you from enjoying and benefiting from the multitude of wheat (that which is beneficial and practical) contained in the pages of this book. I think chapter 11 with its plethora of ideas, questions, and principles for discussion are more than worth the price of the book. I am grateful for Mark and Grace's ministry in their home, for the sake of Christ's Church, and their commitment to tackle all things related to the gospel through the lenses of Scripture, their own experiences, and with a passion for Jesus Christ.
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28 of 31 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
Underwhelmed, January 14, 2012
This is the first book I've read by Mark Driscoll. I'll admit it: I was drawn in by a desire to see what all the fuss is about. After reading it, my conclusion is that there's more smoke than fire. Sure, some of the content is going to be shocking to some folks, but other books on Christian marriage also cover the same topics--better. The first part of the book is about marriage. Mark and Grace share bluntly about their marriage and sexual history, including Grace's history of sexual assault. Mark also talks quite bluntly about a period in their marriage when Grace was what he describes as "frigid." On one hand I appreciate their transparency. Their story shows the difficulties our sexual pasts can put on a marriage, and the hope of finding wholeness despite our pasts. On the other hand--well, we'll get that in a minute. They also emphasize the importance of friendship in marriage. Mark writes a chapter to men and Grace writes a chapter to women, both from the complementarian or male headship perspective. Chapter 5 talks about sin and how it affects our marriage relationships. Part two is about sex. Chapter Six is a theology of sex. Chapter 7 is written by Grace and talks about healing from sexual abuse. Chapter 8 is a great explanation of the dangers and exploitation associated with pornography. Chapter 9 talks about the attitude we should have toward marital sex--servant as opposed to selfish. Chapter 10 is the infamous "Can we___" chapter--less shocking than some reviewers have made it out to be, though I disagree with some of his conclusions. And his approach. And his exegesis. We'll get to that in a minute, too. The last chapter is a sort of "reverse engineering"--imagining what you want your marriage to be like in the future, and planning backwards so you live in a way that will get you there. There were some things about the book I liked. I appreciated the candor with which Mark and Grace shared their story. I liked the emphasis on friendship within marriage. As I said above, I thought the chapter on pornography was well researched and well written. I also liked the reverse engineering concept as applied to marriage. But there were a whole bunch of things I didn't like. I really felt sorry for Grace in the first part of the book as I read Mark's treatment of her and emotional reponse to learning she had cheated on him--when they were in high school. Granted, he admits that he was sinful and has repented and been forgiven. Fine. And as a pastor's wife I know that no pastor's marriage is immune from conflict. One of the things that bugs me though, is that during this period of pretty intense marital and sexual conflict, he was apparently teaching on sexual freedom in marriage through the Song of Solomon--one of the series that really started garnering him serious attention, as well as counseling other couples on sex in their marriages. I'm not saying that pastors shouldn't preach on issues they don't have total victory in, but preaching on an area you're experiencing strong crisis in is not wise. I'm also not over the paragraph where he talked about a pregnant Grace cutting her hair as putting her needs as a mom over her role as a wife. Really? I'm also not over the part where he tells men that they need to be providers so their wives will respect them and that a man whose wife works outside the home is worse than an unbeliever. Really? I also disliked that in the chapter on selfish sex, every example of selfishness Driscoll gives is about *witholding* sex. Is it not also possible to be selfish in the way you *demand* sex? Or selfish in seeking your own pleasure without taking into consideration your spouse's needs? I felt this chapter was very much written from a male point of view. Chapter 10--"Can we ____?" Heh. I had a couple thoughts here. Again, Driscoll does a great job in chapter 7 talking about the dangers of pornography. I wish that he had made the connnection that the reason folks are asking questions about the practices he discusses is because of the influence of pornography, whether directly or indirectly. I also think his grid: is it lawful? is it helpful? is it enslaving? is incomplete. Amongh other things, I'd add: is it holy? Driscoll also follow the evangelical trend of finding specific sexual acts described in the Song of Songs. It's poetry, people. Get a grip. There is one specific practice I can't name directly or I won't get past the filters that Driscoll winds up saying may be okay if both husband and wife are in agreement. On that issue I think he should really have stressed more the physical risk to the wife. I much prefer the discussion on the same topic in Kevin Leman's Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. There's some good stuff here, but it's so interwoven with problematic material that I'd have a hard time recommending this book to anyone, really. There's better books on marriage out there, folks. If you want to read something by Driscoll, great. If you really want a book about marriage or sex from a Christian perspective, go elsewhere.
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