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Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together

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Like many other readers, I'm concerned by the Driscolls' treatment of sexuality. I'm writing a review not to pile on, but because I think my concerns differ somewhat from those expressed in most other reviews.

Much of the book tells the story of Grace growing spiritually and as a result, being better able to meet Mark's felt need for frequent sex and for adventure in the bedroom. Grace's story will undoubtedly be an encouragement to many women. I agree with the idea that as a wife, I should give of myself to my husband in the bedroom.

What concerns me about the book is that there is no apparent mutuality in the Real Marriage bedroom. The book doesn't discuss how a wife's felt sexual needs differ from those of her husband. Nor is there much in the way of admonishment to husbands to meet their wives' needs. There is very little discussion of common female concerns and preferences. (As an aside, kudos to Tim and Kathy Keller for being willing to share the typical wife's sometime assessment of adventure in the bedroom - "it hurt".)

The book's lack of mutuality concerns me because I think tenderness in the bedroom is one of the primary ways that God grows a husband's empathy for his wife. (As a second aside, I also think that this is one of the many, many reasons why wives should be responsive to their husbands.)

In focusing almost exclusively on what a husband wants in the bedroom, the Driscolls follow a growing evangelical trend of equating sexuality with male sexuality. I'm not so much bothered by what they say as I am very disappointed by what they don't say.

So, for better or worse, I guess I'm one of the few readers who wishes the Driscolls had said more about sex.

At the outset, there is no doubt about it; this book is going to be controversial. However, before I spend the rest of this review focused on the controversy that will ensue, I think that there is a ton of good advice, encouragement, and -- take it from a pastor that's been married for twenty years with five kids myself (ironically like Mark) - they make marriage as real as it gets, the ups and downs, the agonies and ecstasies, and the thrills of victory with the help of Jesus at the center of it all.

Whenever you have a large following (Mark influences literally hundreds of thousands of people through pastoring, church planting, speaking, writing, blogging, and vlogging) you are an easy target for the enemy and enemies. I can already predict that the legalists are going to come out of the woodworks on this one - for two reasons - one will simply be out of jealousy over the Driscoll's success, and another reason will be for the candidness with which the Driscoll's discuss matters related to sex.

The reality is that we live in a culture where we are bombarded with sexual images, discussions, and details that sometimes feel like a barrage from which we can never get away from - and I don't think we will encounter less, but an increasingly greater exposure to all things related to sex. Many pastors and theologians will attack this book in particular for the issues the Driscoll's discuss. They are very open and honestly discuss and tackle a lot of the questions that never get asked "in church." However, in my experience as a pastor and life coach I am grateful that the Driscoll's address the reality of the times in which we are living. No sexual rock is left unturned - but dealt with thoughtfully, theologically, and forthrightly.

I think one of the reasons for so much open talk about sex is the fact that the Driscoll's minister to literally thousands of men and women in their early twenties - and it happens to be a very hot topic in their context.

Perhaps the best contribution of this book is how the Driscoll's turned a marriage on the rocks into a marriage on the Rock - built on the solid foundation that is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ through repentance and faith. Too many partners have the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. The Driscoll's demonstrate that all things are possible with God's guidance and wisdom and especially with Christ at the center of a marriage. Mark states this very important truth, "There are no loving marriages apart from repentance and forgiveness. Marriage either gets bitter or better." They show how a difficult and broken marriage can be repaired, restored, resurrected, renewed, and rejuvenated by the amazing grace of God through the Lord Jesus Christ. The good news is that it's never to late to repent and change with God's help.

I would hesitate to recommend this book to just anyone. Mark and Grace's style may be too open, vulnerable, and transparent for some people. Also, some of their advise is definitely in the extra/non-biblical category. You will encounter the "reality" of marriage from "real" people who are seeking to do things God's way for the long haul. If you are "old school" and squeamish about frank talk on sex - I would encourage you to just skip chapter 10. I am grateful that they are willing to be authentic and transparent in addressing issues in such a sexualized culture as ours - especially in a church (Mars Hill) with so many young people asking the questions they are addressing. Whether you agree with what they say in chapter 10 or not - it's important that you read this in context of the whole book.

If you are a pastor, counselor, or life coach and reading this review I would ask that you read the book first and prayerfully decide whether you would recommend it or not. I will use some its contents in my own marriage and in helping others - again there is a lot of good stuff in this book - a lot of practical applications. There are some things that I agree wholeheartedly with, and others that I do not. I would encourage you also to read Tim Challies' review on his blog, and Albert Mohler's review on his blog to see some specific warnings and examples of why this book needs to be taken with a grain of salt - as they say.

There are simply too many other good books on marriage that I can recommend without a single caveat or reservation that are out there: Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage," R.C. Sproul's "The Intimate Marriage", "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs, and also "What Did You Expect?" by Paul Tripp, "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas, "Marriage Matters" by Winston T. Smith, and "When Sinners Say 'I Do'" by Dave Harvey would all be books that I would recommend wholeheartedly as books that are biblically and theologically right on - without all the controversy.

However, don't let some of the "chaff" of this book (and the negative reviews that are sure to come) keep you from enjoying and benefiting from the multitude of wheat (that which is beneficial and practical) contained in the pages of this book. I think chapter 11 with its plethora of ideas, questions, and principles for discussion are more than worth the price of the book. I am grateful for Mark and Grace's ministry in their home, for the sake of Christ's Church, and their commitment to tackle all things related to the gospel through the lenses of Scripture, their own experiences, and with a passion for Jesus Christ.

This is the first book I've read by Mark Driscoll. I'll admit it: I was drawn in by a desire to see what all the fuss is about. After reading it, my conclusion is that there's more smoke than fire. Sure, some of the content is going to be shocking to some folks, but other books on Christian marriage also cover the same topics--better.

The first part of the book is about marriage. Mark and Grace share bluntly about their marriage and sexual history, including Grace's history of sexual assault. Mark also talks quite bluntly about a period in their marriage when Grace was what he describes as "frigid." On one hand I appreciate their transparency. Their story shows the difficulties our sexual pasts can put on a marriage, and the hope of finding wholeness despite our pasts. On the other hand--well, we'll get that in a minute. They also emphasize the importance of friendship in marriage. Mark writes a chapter to men and Grace writes a chapter to women, both from the complementarian or male headship perspective. Chapter 5 talks about sin and how it affects our marriage relationships.

Part two is about sex. Chapter Six is a theology of sex. Chapter 7 is written by Grace and talks about healing from sexual abuse. Chapter 8 is a great explanation of the dangers and exploitation associated with pornography. Chapter 9 talks about the attitude we should have toward marital sex--servant as opposed to selfish. Chapter 10 is the infamous "Can we___" chapter--less shocking than some reviewers have made it out to be, though I disagree with some of his conclusions. And his approach. And his exegesis. We'll get to that in a minute, too.

The last chapter is a sort of "reverse engineering"--imagining what you want your marriage to be like in the future, and planning backwards so you live in a way that will get you there.

There were some things about the book I liked. I appreciated the candor with which Mark and Grace shared their story. I liked the emphasis on friendship within marriage. As I said above, I thought the chapter on pornography was well researched and well written. I also liked the reverse engineering concept as applied to marriage.

But there were a whole bunch of things I didn't like.

I really felt sorry for Grace in the first part of the book as I read Mark's treatment of her and emotional reponse to learning she had cheated on him--when they were in high school. Granted, he admits that he was sinful and has repented and been forgiven. Fine. And as a pastor's wife I know that no pastor's marriage is immune from conflict. One of the things that bugs me though, is that during this period of pretty intense marital and sexual conflict, he was apparently teaching on sexual freedom in marriage through the Song of Solomon--one of the series that really started garnering him serious attention, as well as counseling other couples on sex in their marriages. I'm not saying that pastors shouldn't preach on issues they don't have total victory in, but preaching on an area you're experiencing strong crisis in is not wise. I'm also not over the paragraph where he talked about a pregnant Grace cutting her hair as putting her needs as a mom over her role as a wife. Really?

I'm also not over the part where he tells men that they need to be providers so their wives will respect them and that a man whose wife works outside the home is worse than an unbeliever. Really?

I also disliked that in the chapter on selfish sex, every example of selfishness Driscoll gives is about *witholding* sex. Is it not also possible to be selfish in the way you *demand* sex? Or selfish in seeking your own pleasure without taking into consideration your spouse's needs? I felt this chapter was very much written from a male point of view.

Chapter 10--"Can we ____?" Heh. I had a couple thoughts here. Again, Driscoll does a great job in chapter 7 talking about the dangers of pornography. I wish that he had made the connnection that the reason folks are asking questions about the practices he discusses is because of the influence of pornography, whether directly or indirectly. I also think his grid: is it lawful? is it helpful? is it enslaving? is incomplete. Amongh other things, I'd add: is it holy? Driscoll also follow the evangelical trend of finding specific sexual acts described in the Song of Songs. It's poetry, people. Get a grip. There is one specific practice I can't name directly or I won't get past the filters that Driscoll winds up saying may be okay if both husband and wife are in agreement. On that issue I think he should really have stressed more the physical risk to the wife. I much prefer the discussion on the same topic in Kevin Leman's Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.

There's some good stuff here, but it's so interwoven with problematic material that I'd have a hard time recommending this book to anyone, really. There's better books on marriage out there, folks. If you want to read something by Driscoll, great. If you really want a book about marriage or sex from a Christian perspective, go elsewhere.

As a single guy who lives in a fraternity at the University of Washington I can easily say sex or "hooking up" is one of the most sought out things during a party night. It has been so easy to have this concept of sex as a purely physical pleasure that is meant for me. What you get out of that is a selfish endeavor to use other girls for your own pleasure. This book is definitely refreshing and shows that sex is much more than just an orgasm. It shows the significance of being a servant lover rather than a selfish lover. For the first time I am finally seeing a deeper purpose for sex than just a physical high. Sex is meant for knowing someone, a truly deep intimacy that can only be achieved with sex. As I start to realize this I start to see why would I never want to have sex with someone I don't know, why I wouldn't give away such a deep intimacy to someone I am not going to spend the rest of my life with, why I wouldn't try to fill this intimacy with a 2D image. I start to see why it would actually be worth waiting to let someone into the deepest part of my soul, because when sex is used in the right context one achieves this intimacy. This is God's intention with sex and it is so much more beautiful than the type of sex that is advertised today. God is a good God who truly knows best. I am excited for other single men to read this book and realize God's true intentions with his gifts of sex, marriage, and friendship.

This book disturbed me, so much so that my immediate and visceral reaction was "I want to protect my daughter from men like Mark Driscoll."

The first half of the book is an intermingling of personal narrative and pastoral counsel. The personal narrative is primarily a specific and detailed litany of Grace's sins against Mark (i.e., cutting her hair, being late, lying during premarital counseling, withholding sex, and not being adventurous enough in the bedroom). There is no corresponding litany of Mark's sins. The only sins Mark admits to are: a) purity code violations prior to marriage; and b) sinful responses to Grace's sins against him.

Mark does tell how he has changed his behavior, replacing sinful responses with godly responses. But, he never takes the next step of rewriting his story in a way that acknowledges his full complicity in the Driscoll family sin drama. Grace remains the lead sinner, while Mark plays only a supporting role.

This is very important because it is the personal narrative in the first half of the book - not the pastoral counsel in the first half of the book - that becomes the implicit framework for the practical counsel on sex in the second half of the book. Mark did/men do struggle with purity, so there's a great discussion of porn. But apart from that, sin in the bedroom is assigned to Grace/the wife. Chapter 9 is ostensibly a general discussion of selfish versus servant love in the bedroom. In principle, that could have been the jumping off point for a balanced discussion of the variety of ways in which husbands and wives sin against each other in the bedroom. In practice, however, the chapter is little more than a list of the ways in which wives withhold sex (just as Grace withheld sex). Similarly, Chapter 10 is about adventure in the bedroom, with the conclusion being that almost everything on the list of possible adventures that husbands desire is consistent with Scripture (in contrast to Grace's earlier attitudes, which led to behavior that was not sufficiently responsive to Mark's Scripture-consistent preferences).

So, there you have it. In the absence of his porn usage, it's all her fault.

I don't disagree with the Driscolls' characterization of the typical wife's sin patterns. But, I also don't think the typical husband is as blameless as Chapters 9 and 10 imply.

After reading Tim Challies review of Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together by Mark and Grace Driscoll, I wanted to see what others were saying. I went on over to Amazon and there were many mixed reviews but I couldn't find any from women. I may have simply missed it. After some thought and prayer (since Challies did not think it was appropriate for women, namely his wife) I spoke with my husband and read most of the book. I write most because I skipped the chapter devoted to men (Men and Marriage) and skimmed through chapters Disgrace and Grace and The Porn Path. I believe I read enough to give you an honest take on the book from a woman's perspective.

The Good

The Driscoll's opened up their life and marriage and gave a very clear view from the inside. There is no doubt that they are speaking from their personal experience, ministry and heart. It was vulnerable and raw and there is also no doubt it was honest. The speech wasn't calculated and religious but completely relatable. Grace confessed very humbling sin and Mark shared about his misplaced priorities and idolatry.

There were times when I felt like I was sitting across the table from them as they poured out their hearts to me. I cried, I was nervous, I was embarrassed along with them. I was also hopeful, excited and thankful that God restored their marriage. I am sure they are a gift to their church and to their friends. I am confident that God will use their story to help many struggling marriages. Their openness and honesty is what is good about the book. They are real people trying to fight the fight of faith together, and it's hard.

Grace Driscoll shared great tips and advice on how to respect husbands in Chapter 4. I specifically enjoyed her writing on encouragement. At one point she wrote, "A wife is the most powerful person in her husband's life.." I whole-heartedly agree. I am an encourager and if I'm not first and foremost encouraging my husband, my priorities and potentially my motives may be misplaced. I was specifically struck by the part about lecturing. I can fall into lecture mode if I don't see something I like. This isn't respectful to my husband and I thank Grace Driscoll for addressing these issues. It's always good to be reminded of ways to grow in respect to my husband!

The Bad

I agreed with Challies that there didn't seem to be a clear gospel message. I felt like this was more like a memoir/"how to" book rather than a theologically based book on marriage. There were plenty of biblical references, mostly from Song of Songs, but I just didn't get the sense that God was the power we'd draw from because of Jesus' work on the Cross for change. I could see men and women striving to this level of intimacy without the grace of God. It at times seemed like, "here's what you need to do if you want a good marriage; now do it." That may not be how Driscoll intended it to come out, but that is how I interpreted it.

Real Marriage also made me more concerned for pastors who are not governed by other pastors or the church, who do not have a team, or who are not a part of a formal organization. Maybe this should go under the "good" category above because it has led me to pray for pastors. Do many pastors give their lives away to their ministries at any and all costs? Are congregants life suckers, sucking the life out of pastors and preachers? Do young pastors need more checks and balances? I just felt an overwhelming concern for pastors everywhere. What horrible pressures they place on themselves, at least Driscoll did. By the grace of God, he shares how God helped him to realize this and make changes. It took a decade of giving, sacrificing his family, and being absolutely miserable.

The Ugly

The book could just as easily been named Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex . I'm concerned that much of the book may put unnecessary pressure on couples to perform acts that they just aren't comfortable with as a way to die to themselves. Driscoll notes that "the biblical pattern of for Christian marriage is free and frequent sex." The problem is his interpretation of "free". From a women's perspective, his interpretation could led to women being abused and men being tempted.

Driscoll goes into specific detail on what can and cannot not be done in the marriage bed. In Chapter 10, "Can We______?" Driscoll lists do's and don'ts and most of everything listed he argues is acceptable to some degree or another. What the Driscoll's do in their private homes is completely their business. I am not condemning them. What I didn't see were clear biblical references or guidance in these areas. Many of the questions and answers seemed worldly. He gave statistics (lots of them) about each topic, statistics for example of how many people and what age group was performing oral sex. What significance does this have for the Christian? Why do we need to know how many people were doing it? Was it merely to prove the importance of the question or shall I say the relevance of it? I kept thinking of this scripture as I read: "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world," (James 1:27 ESV).

At one point Driscoll explains that cosmetic surgery is not only permissible but can be helpful. Helpful because you have had an accident and are disfigured?; Helpful because you have a birth mark or have some circumstance that makes it uncomfortable to be the way you are? No, Driscoll shares, "There are many reasons cosmetic surgery may be beneficial. It can make us more attractive to our spouses. And if our appearance is improved, we feel more comfortable being seen naked by our spouses, which can increase our freedom in lovemaking," (Chapter 10: "Can We___?"). I respectfully disagree. Where do we see this in scripture? Scripture says: "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well," (Psalm 139:13-14 ESV). I imagine that even the women who made the Dove commercial would be confused and concerned by Driscoll's logic here.

My biggest concern is for women whose husbands may read this and may try to apply the teaching without the full consent of their wife. I'm afraid a man could read this and become: 1)discontent in their marriage: "Why won't my wife do xyz?" "My wife is selfish because she won't, fill in the blank?"; 2) place unnecessary pressures on their wife; 3) be tempted to find someone who will perform these acts. Driscoll in no way at all would want his book to have this affect but as I read it, from a woman's perspective I could very easily see a weak man succumbing to these temptations. I say weak meaning weak in faith, weak possibly because he is already in a struggling marriage or weak because he is a new Christian.

Another concern is that women could simply be condemned. The book asks for us to be vulnerable, open to things, respectful of our husband's wishes and active in every way. I believe wholeheartedly that sex in the confines of marriage is a wonderful, beautiful, exciting and invigorating gift from the Lord! I'm so glad God made us this way! But, I think that when we add tasks that are extra biblical it can be dangerous. And for the woman who is conservative but still satisfying her husband this book could be condemning. I imagine the questions: "Am I good enough for my husband?" and "Am I selfish because I won't do xyz though I hate the idea of it but my husband really wants to?"

Scripture commands husbands to: "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love," (Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV). It doesn't say, "Let her breasts fill you unless she has had babies and they are no longer the breasts of her youth." As a matter of fact, God doesn't speak too much of what is in the book, which is another reason why I am cautious about applying what I've read.

Conclusion

The Driscoll's story is powerful, sad at times, and a testimony of the power of the gospel and work of the Spirit. Mark's leadership in pursuing change is to be commended. But, I am not convinced that their method needs to be applied to every marriage, every situation. Challies wasn't excited about the idea of his wife reading the book, I'm not sure I want my husband or my husband's friends to. I'm afraid it could plant questions or ideas that may not have been there before. I also think, many of it, is just unnecessary for a loving, intimate, long marriage and friendship.

This book sends the message that when a young man marries, his reasonable expectation should be that his wife will give him whatever he wants in the bedroom, whenever he wants it. The one caveat is that what he expects of her should not go against her conscience.

Not surprisingly, the vast majority of young men reviewing this book are embracing that message.

But is this what the Bible says? The Bible talks about not depriving each other. Because husbands are wired differently than wives, deprivation means something different to a husband than to a wife. Wives need to understand that. But husbands need to understand that - contrary to what the Driscolls imply - this book's one-sided "never say no" counsel to wives simply isn't in the Bible. The absence of deprivation is not gluttony.

In a porn saturated culture, "never say no" may well be what many wives have been reduced to. But, as we're counseling wives to "never say no," let's be honest with husbands. This is not God's intent for marriage.

First the good, the Driscoll couple are very open, honest, and leave little out in their sharing. You can;t help but applaud them for this, and be grateful for their forthright expressions. I was pleasantly surprised with Mr. Driscoll's piece on "Tender and Tough," which didn't strike me as typical Mr. Driscoll. This was the nice nugget. These couple things climb the rating to where it is.

But then there are a lot of pages that made it a book, but didn't make it worth my time. The tone just grows real old, real fast. There is never any room for discussion with Mr. Driscoll, which i find so off putting. An example, he writes with language like, "The Bibles is very plain when it says..." and yet I find that is very plain to proving Mr. Driscoll's point but not necessarily being contextually plain. There are times in the writing where it is as if Mr. Driscoll thinks the Bible was written with white, middle class Americans as the model for marriage. If the Bible was written at the popularity height of The Leave it to Beaver TV show, then this book would climb a couple more stars in rating. But it doesn't take a Biblical scholar to know that the Bible was written a little further back than the 1950's. Again, I can appreciate the honesty of the Driscoll family, but when Mr. Driscoll self diagnoses himself with a sort of depression because of a lack of sex, that wreaks of chauvinism. My wife also read this book, and she is a licensed counselor, so this part really cheesed her off.

My wife and I are also reading to other marriage books, one by Timothy Keller and his wife and the other by Craig Groeschel, and both of them are significantly more in depth and carry more wisdom. I believe that is what we need more than anything with today's marriage, wisdom, rather than strong opinions.

Anytime you read or listen to anything from Mark Driscoll, you know he is going to be candid. Sometimes that candor is welcome--he is unafraid of naming and dealing with elephants in the room. Sometimes that candor is less than welcome--I admit to having cringed at several of the things he has said during his career as pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle.

Real Marriage, which Mark co-write with his wife Grace, has all of the candor you would expect from Driscoll. They share frankly about their own marriage history, and this vulnerability shows that they are not perfect, but have had to grow in love and friendship over the years. Five of the eleven chapters have to do with sex, and the chapter entitled "Can We _____?" deals with the Driscolls' opinion on whether certain sexual acts are permissible for married couples. In spite of the interest that chapter has created, I thought two of the other sex chapters (those on sexual abuse and pornography) were two of the strongest chapters of the book.

The Driscolls have a complementarian marriage, and this book will resonate most with those who have a similar perspective. They write that the husband is to be the "primary if not the sole breadwinner" (61). However, there is a lot of advice that even non-complementarians can agree with. Concerning responsibilities, they write that "whoever is best at something and is willing to do it assumes that responsibility" (56). The Driscolls don't talk about whether it is possible for the wife to be best at making money, or the husband at raising children.

Driscoll's great strength as a Bible teacher is bridging the gap between the world of the Bible and the modern world. He makes the Bible come alive to his contemporary hearers. Sometimes, however, this impulse toward making the Bible come alive leads him and Grace onto shaky exegetical ground. For example, in saying that a married couple is supposed to sleep in the same bed, they quote Hebrews 13:4, saying it "speaks of `the marriage bed' and not `beds'" (167). But in Hebrews 13:4, "marriage bed" is a metonymy for the marriage relationship. They also write, describing ancient interpretation of the Song of Songs, "Until around AD 100, the Jewish rabbis interpreted the Song of Songs in a literal way.... The Song of Songs was read at the Passover liturgy, and the songs were often sung in the pubs to celebrate marital love and intimacy within a covenant relationship" (117). I'm not sure it's entirely accurate to speak of ancient Israel as having pubs.

In the end, I can only halfheartedly recommend this book. There are passages that contain wonderfully good advice, but it is just too uneven. Readers of this book would do well to combine it with other marriage books (I have not yet read Tim and Kathy Keller's The Meaning of Marriage, but it looks like a promising option), and seek out a more experienced, godly married couple to learn from.

Note: Thanks to Thomas Nelson for a review copy. I was not asked to give a positive review.

Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll hit the evangelical world by storm a few days ago. Some, like the influential theologian, Wayne Grudem, are praising it and some are condemning it. In my mind, the hype is a bit overplayed on both sides.

Real Marriage is biblical in its scope, practical in its counsel, and contains a wealth of information that will serve to strengthen marriages.

The book is grounded in a transparent look at the Driscoll marriage. They share candidly about their mistakes and failures. And they humbly share their triumphs and some of the necessary ingredients that have contributed to what is now a healthy marriage.

One of the greatest strengths of Real Marriage is its bold promotion of complementarianism, the notion that men and women are created equal as image bearers in the eyes of God, yet maintain distinct roles. The husband must love his wife as Christ loves the church and the wife must respect her husband. Mark and Grace point to numerous examples from their own marriage that bolster the case for complementarianism. They should be applauded for their clear biblical teaching on a controversial theme that draws angry fire from liberal critics.

Mark rightly admonishes men: "God wants His glory to shine through men. God wants His kingdom to be made visible through them. God wants them to be His sons. God wants us to follow, by the power of the Holy Spirit, in the example of Jesus." Driscoll charges husbands to honor their wives in several significant ways: "physically, emotionally, verbally, financially, and technologically." He demonstrates the importance of understanding the covenant of marriage and includes several practical points of encouragement, especially for young husbands.

Grace further elaborates on the complementarian position that is advanced in the book: "Men and women were created with equal worth but different roles. God created and called the man to lead and love his wife, and when he doesn't do that in a holy way, he is sinning. God created the woman to help and respect her husband, and when she doesn't do that in a holy way, she is sinning." She helpfully overviews biblical respect/submission and provides numerous ways that wives can embrace the biblical model by respecting their husbands.

In a chapter entitled, "Taking Out the Trash," the Driscolls spell out what repentance looks like in marriage. Repentance is not "managing our sin, blame-shifting our sin, excusing our sin, or manipulating God or people for blessing." They rightly argue that repentance includes "confession, contrition, and change."

Additionally, forgiveness is explored: "Forgiveness is a gospel issue ... It has everything to do with God. As an act of worship, we must respond to our sinful spouses as God has responded to our sin - with forgiveness - because it is a gospel issue. We cannot accept forgiveness from God without extending it to our spouses." The Driscolls maintain that the gospel is the only answer to a healthy marriage.

Almost half of Real Marriage is about sex - a sensitive subject that been largely under-emphasized by Christians. There is much to commend in these chapters. The Driscolls include many practical principles that are rooted in Scripture. Mark exposes the sin of pornography; a sin that has ruined many a marriage and he duly warns men and women to steer clear from this grievous sin.

Chapter ten is entitled, Can We _____? and is receiving the most criticism in the online reviews. While the Driscolls seek to answer legitimate questions based on the framework of 1 Corinthians 6:12, much of the material is inappropriate and does not benefit readers. The graphic nature of the material proves more harmful than helpful. Indeed, "not all things are helpful" (1 Cor. 6:12).

Real Marriage is a difficult book to review. There is a blend of good and unnecessary. Readers should approach the book with a discerning eye and be sure to keep it out of the reach of children.

I received a complementary copy of this book from the BookSneeze program.