Customer Reviews

Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Real Parents, Real Children has been one of the most helpful books I have read on adoption, and as an adoption social worker - I have read quite a few! What I enjoyed most about this book was the in-depth look Holly Van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb took at each developmental stage in a child's life. After learning what all children go through at a particular stage, Van Gulden and Bartels-Rabb then discuss issues that may arise in each stage as related to adotpion. This book is a great resource for adoptive parents to determine if their child's behavior is due to their developmental stage or and adoption issue that needs to be resolved. Van Gulden and Bartels-Rabb do not end there! They go on to give practical advice on how to help your child through a tough issue. I appreciate this books honest and professional flavor. I recommend this book to all adoptive parents as a resource that can be used for many years. The earlier adoption related issues can be dicovered and worked through, the better for the child and the family. Two other books I highly recommend are "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and "Making Sense of Adoption"

This book helped with my understanding of adopted children. As an adopted child I was able to understand the feelings I have been feeling all my life. it opened up communication with me and my parents. I would truly recommend this book to all people.

I almost did not buy this book after reading a review that it was "too clinical." Thank heaven I went for it anyway. It was SO interesting and SO helpful, it has inspired me to write my first book review here on Amazon. I have read every book I can get my hands on since I adopted a 4-year-old from another country and this was by far the most useful to me. While it also covers adoption of infants and domestic adoption, Van Gulden delves deeply into adoption of older (more than a year old), international/interracial children and the issues they face. I especially like how - after each chapter - she gives a list of other resources/books to consult for more information. There are great suggestions of children's books that will help you approach most any difficult topic that can - and will - come up with your new child. I am back here shopping for more copies tonight - get a copy for grandma/grandpa and anyone else close to you who may need a little education on the unique intricacies of adopting an older child from another culture or race. I am so grateful to have found this book and highly recommend it. Adoption is one of life's richest blessings - and most worthy challenges. This book will help you appreciate and cope and know that you are not alone.

Gulden and Bartels-Rabb cover a large number of issues that adoptive parents would greatly benefit knowing about, even if some don't apply to their personal situation, such as adoption of an older child and the consequent issue of bonding and attachment and re-naming the child. Also, the book offers a great bibliography. I could identify with several points brought up. Preplacement and postplacement stress (and joy!) is one issue I can still vividly remember. Also the fact that parenting adopted children is, in fact, different from parenting birth children. In our case, I found this to be especially true during the first year of our daughter's life when nature had not prepared me for the arrival of a child. Our daughter was four days old and loved around the clock. However, I found that the difference between her and our two birth children lasted only as long as the milk flowed. After that, I saw three unique individuals, and as the years went by, the issue of adoption was no more a household word than the issue of biological birth. We spoke lovingly of her birthmother and brought her up at special events, yet our daughter, very easy-going in temperament, never seemed to suffer an identity crisis or later, an interest in searching. When her birthmother appeared 29 years later, she began a cordial relationship with her but claims that the reunion has not made her whole while before she was fragmented. She had merely made a new friend. Perhaps our daughter was like the little eleven-year old boy quoted by Gulden and Bartels-Rabb: "You know all those things you've been saying about my birth parents? Well, I've come to the conclusion that those poor suckers lost a good thing." It would be nice if all adopted kids felt as confident, but that's sadly not true.
Gisela Gasper Fitzgerald, author of ADOPTION: An Open, Semi-Open or Closed Practice?

Not only is this a fantastic resource for adoptive parents, but an incredible review of normal childhood development and the grieving process. The authors address all scenerios for adoption (foreign, domestic, cross-cultural, from infancy and beyond, from foster care, etc.) in a clear and informative way. The research into this book must have been phenomenal. Recommended reading for parents well into the process as well as prospective parents. It's both honest and hopeful. Bravo!

As an adoptive parent and an adoption and foster care professional, it is hard for me to believe that I didn't find out about this wonderful book years ago! The information on the child development, and how it is impacted by adoption is excellent. The information on how adoption impacts family dynamics is invaluable in helping adoptive parents and professionals understand the changes that are occurring for adoptive parents as the journey of adoption proceeds. I wish that I had known some of this information as I was struggling with the changes that adoption was making in me. The book normalized my experience and I would recommend it to anyone who is adopting or thinking about adopting. It reads a bit like a text book, and so might seem bookish for anyone who has not parented, but anyone engaged in parenting, biological, adopted or foster children would benefit from reading this book! (PS I was so impressed with this book that I am taking the time to write these comments... a first for me after at least 10 years of buying books from Amazon.com.)

This is a good resource to have on your shelf especially in regards to child development.

I recommend this book to ANYONE who is looking into adoption. This book gives great information what what it truly is like to adopt. Happy reading!

A little clinical but very helpful for learning what to expect during each developmental stage.

This book is not a good resource. Like so many other books on the subject, it begins from the premise that 'every adopted child is wounded' and carries around 'unresolved grief' because of the 'rejection' of the birth parents. While these feelings may be true for *some* adopted children especially older adopted children coming out of the foster care system (which seems to be the authors' primary data set), that can't be the case for all. Adoption can be a positive thing and we know many adopted adults who are well adjusted and doing well in life, and have positive feelings about their adoption experience.

One of the more insidious suggestions in this book is the "pebble" technique. It suggests that every few weeks, adoptive parents drop "pebbles" - little comments about the child's adoption, circumstances, birth parents, etc., that you "drop" into your child's soul and let the "ripples" take hold. Indeed, one example given is to say to your adopted child, "look at you play with your sister so well. Your birth parents sure are missing out on seeing that." REALLY?!?! That kind of irresponsible, in-your-face approach to the subject of adoption is sure to wound your child.

The only positive takeaway I had from this book is to always be open about the subject with your child and always tell them the truth about their circumstance, to never treat adoption as a forbidden subject or dirty word. Beyond that I found very little worthy of implementation here.

Perhaps author Van Gulden's counseling background is what leads to this 'worst of the worst' approach to and description of the subject of adoption - after all, well-adjusted adoptees are probably not seeking therapy from the authors or their colleagues.

For once, I would love someone to write a book from the perspective of the well-adjusted adoptee and why they adjusted so well to the circumstance of adoption - what their parents did and said that led to being well-adjusted. But I guess like the nightly news already knows, good news doesn't sell so well.