Customer Reviews

Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends: When Your Relationship Ends (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond)

5 star:		(98)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

A friend lent me this book when my husband left me and I was in the depths of dispair. I was reading anything I could find to try and help me understand, but this is the one book that really helped. I latched onto it like a life-preserver to a drowning person. I have read each chapter several times now, and keep getting more out of it as I progress in my healing. I returned my friend's copy and bought my own (which I have now in turn lent to a friend in need.)

One of the revelations I found comforting was simply to know what the physical symptoms of grief are - that my sore throat, my aching chest and my dry mouth were all manifestations of my emotional trauma.

This book felt like I was talking to a friend who had been there and back, and could take me by the hand through the healing process and help me find my way back to joy. Please read it if you are hurting from the loss of a relationship - it will comfort you a great deal and help you move forward constructively. Then lend it to someone you know who could be helped by it.

In its third printing, this book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. The first thing I noticed about Rebuilding is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. When we are really suffering, it is hard sometimes, to analyze what we are feeling. Is it pain? Depression? Self-hate? All of the above? It is comforting to read that you learn we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. For example, Chapter 7 looks at the two, " . . . very strong feelings which accompany the trauma of divorce--guilt and rejection. Advice given is to do a self-examination. Do we need to learn new ways of relating to people? Do we realize that feeling rejected is a part of ending any relationship? It's normal. It's natural. There is nothing wrong with us. Whew! If you are the one leaving the relationship, you are probably feeling guilt. You don't want to hurt someone you do or did love. However, say Fisher and Alberti, "To end a love relationship may be appropriate because it has been destructive for both people." Leaving can be a good thing for both people in the relationship. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self- worth and self-love. Build up these two areas and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. And how do we go about building our self-worth. Chapter 11 tells us how to go about that. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope. Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., (1931-1998) was the founder and director of the Family Relations Learning Center in Boulder, Colorado. He was a divorce therapist, author, teacher and a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D., is a psychologist marriage & family therapist, Fellow of the American Psychological Association, clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and author/coauthor of several books. A 287-page volume that demands us to do some work, but it is well worth the effort.

This book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. "Rebuilding" is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. It is comforting to read that we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self-worth and self-love. Build up these two areas, and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope.

The book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" was one of the things that really helped me get thru my own divorce process and create a whole new wonderful life. It truly showed me that my feelings and reactions were normal and that they could be worked thru. After all Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti worked with people who were rebuilding their lives after divorce for over 25 years and they ought to know. The book has a style that is very very readable. You can begin at the beginning and read it straight thru or open it to just the chapter that is appropriate for you at that moment, like "Loneliness", "Anger". "Self-Worth", or "Sex". The book is built around the metaphor of climbing a mountain, and you are shown just how achievable it is to successfully rebuild your life one doable step at a time. Once you reach the top of the mountain you experience a wonderful sight of a new you and a new life. As Alberti says, "So prepare yourself for a journey. Pack up your optimism, your hopes for the future. Discard your excess baggage. ---- And the Rebuilding mountain lies ahead for you." If you are only going to buy one book to get yourself thru the divorce process this is the one. I can't recommend this book more highly. Other books I would recommend are "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Colgrove, Bloomfield, and McWilliams, "Spiritual Divorce" by Debbie Ford, "Life after Divorce" by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, and "Finding Love (Again!)" by Connie Merritt.

This book guides the reader through the process and stages that one inevitably faces when going through a divorce. Even if you read it 10 times, each time you will get a different message/insight as important as the first time. It shows the reader at what stage he/she is in the process of healing which is very comforting, knowing that the time of divorce everything is so unsure. It is not a heavy book and can easily be grasped by anyone who puts a little time each day to see where he/she is in this hard yet fulfilling journey. Personally, I found it to be SO VERY TRUE in every step of the way!! I think the best thing that this book can give to every reader is HOPE and the tools not to become cynical in such a trying time. I would suggest it to every one even those people who are not undergoing a divorce because it is rich every page you turn! Can't say enough good things about it!.... A true life saver!

I thought that this book had some very good content. It reviews the "19 building blocks" of divorce, going over each of the significant emotions/stages a recently divorced person experiences. As far as my experience goes, the emotions identified were all correct. According to the book, if you work through all the stages you arrive at "freedom." It does include information for parents, but it was separated in the chapters, so a divorcee without children could easily skip those sections.

My problem with the book was the writing style. I felt like the author spoke in a slightly condescending tone and kept reminding the reader how well he knows us and how wonderful and correct his program is. So while I appreciated what the book had to say, I got tired of hearing it tell me how fabulous it is!

I discovered this book when I signed up for a divorce support group. The group leader, a brilliant and wonderful woman, said that it was her "bible." She carried it around with her so that she could open to any page at any time and find help and comfort. I immediately bought a copy at Amazon.com and found that I too carried it with me in my handbag, kept it by my bed at night, etc. Every time the pain came, and it was often then, I opened to any page and found comfort and help. I am also a support group leader and have recommended it to others since then. This book is written with a rare combination of intellect and soul and warmth. The complex is presented in a caring way that's accessible to all readers. If I could recommend only one book for a broken hearted person, it would be this one! Should I ever need need this help and support again, it's a comfort to know the book is in my library.

Going through divorce is difficult, alienating, and painful. I found this book to be a great source of material on the stages of pain that you go through with a divorce. This book takes you through the building blocks of what it will take for you to go through, and ultimately rebuilt from. Some of the topics covered are denial, fear, adaptation, friendship, loneliness, self-worth, transition,love, trust, and future relationships.

I found myself clearly identifying with many of the stages that others go through in a divorce. It was refreshing to hear what you feel is normal and others feel that way too. Fisher and Alberti definately speak with insight, and understanding on this topic. This book was part of the reading along with the a divorce recovery class I took, this book was an important reasource in the class. It is definately worth picking up or checking out at your local library.

This is by far the best book I've found about dealing with the pain and trauma of a relationship that has ended. It lays out nineteen stages that you're likely to go through, from denial and fear, through loneliness and rejection/guilt (including a discussion of the differences between being dumped and dumping), grief, anger, and then to the more positive stages of letting go, refinding one's self-worth, becoming more open, loving, trusting and finally finding purpose freedom.

The book is based on years of experience in seminars for divorcees, and there are lots of examples that are well explained and discussed. There are also specific "assignments" for each stage. For instance, there are specific strategies for dealing with fear and anger, and these are very concrete and helpful.

The book also suggests that "growing relationships" can be helpful while working through the aftermath of a serious relationship. Growing relationships can be friendships or sexual relationships, but the point is that they are open, honest, and that a main goal in the relationship is that the partners learn about themselves and each other here and now rather than building a long-term committed and stable relationship. I found it interesting to read about the differences between such a relationship and a conventional, committed, long-term stable relationship. It also freed me from thinking that I should immediately see any new relationship as a committed long-term relationship. There are other kinds too, and many of the authors' insights about growing relationships would also be useful in a long-term, committed relationship.

Each chapter has a section about children's responses to their parents breaking up, in the stage the parents are in, and finally there's an appendix about how to have a healing separation, which is like a trial separation except both parties commit to working constructively towards their personal growth and their coming together again as a couple.

I found Rebuilding at the local Library when I went looking for a different Amazon bestseller, and I am SO glad I picked up Fisher & Alberti's book first. I was lucky enough to get this book just a couple weeks after my wife asked for a divorce, and so I was starting right into the phases of Denial, Anger, and so forth just as I read about them in the book. I read it over the course of 3 weeks, then checked it out again and started over -- and the second time, I took my time and actually focused on the exercises at the end of each chapter. By the time I was done, I was pretty much done with hoping for a reconciliation, and the anger is pretty much all gone.

I do recommend having someone to talk to about the exercises in the book -- a sort of accountability partner, a friend to whom you can REALLY open up. (Guys, take note of that: You need someone who is willing to listen to your pain, not someone to slug back a couple of cold ones while throwing darts at her picture.) It's important to have someone to talk to about the various topics in each chapter -- not just to vent but to discuss the ideas, to focus on your situation and find ways to move on with rebuilding your life.

During my second read, I also took the time to write a long letter of goodbyes, as recommended in the book. (My soon-to-be-ex has never seen that letter, and she doesn't need to.) I was surprised at some of what I wrote, but it really helped to dig up those hidden resentments and now-dashed hopes. By the end of my second read, I was ready to focus on other things besides HER.

Only time will tell how effective Rebuilding will be for me, but in these first 4 months, it has been invaluable. The library finally has their copy back and now I've bought my own. If you're starting into the divorce process, get this book to go along with one about the legal stuff. AVOID a book that tries to cover both the legal and the emotional problems in one volume, as it will invariably give both topics insufficient coverage.